[Ineedyourviews]

I have know this guy for over 10 years and when we first worked together approach me asking me to 'be with him'. Not knowing his circumstances then, meaning, 2 kids under the age of 8 at that time and unaware of his wife's condition, and the fact that had not had sex since his last child was conceived, which is now over 17 years) we stayed in constant touch via e-mail for the last 9 years. 3 years after I divorced , and never stopped being attracted to him, late last year I approach him with the following: Listen, I have decided I want to give it a try with you. So please fill me in what is going on in your life. His marriage situation has gotten worst, his wife very abusive, putting him down, destroying his ego, but still having one daughter under the age of 18, she still having cancer, etc. He told me he would want to make a life with me because he cares about me a great deal. Over the last 9 months we have been falling in love with each other. Since I moved far away from where I used to live, we talk on the phone lots and have set ground rules what to expect from each other once I move back home. I know I can deal with what our relationship will be like. I don't have beyond that any expectations. He makes me happy and I make him happy. I will making a trip home this November to physical connect. I hate to sound "gullible" knowing I am not, but actually this kind of arrangement is appealing to me. He will be living with me part-time and I am aware that he will be still taking care of what he must (maintenance of his house, garden, and being involved with his wife's cancer treatment plan) and mainly attending to finish raising his daughter, involved with her education, to form her into a productive adult. I respect his dedication and sense of responsibilities towards the family he created a long time ago with his partner. For 18 years its been a sexless marriage and until 11 years ago he had affairs that been all sexually only. But now he wants more and enjoys being in love with me and finally happy, taking a lot of stress out of his life and credits me for it. I love him too, and I am attracted to the fact, that I will be a part-time "second life" for him. The happy second life. His other life is all about taking care of what he is responsible for. He is loyal, I am loyal. He is independent and works a lot, and I am independent as well, but I do admit I sincerely consider him my "late in life" soulmate.

So basically my question is: what do some of you think? Am I crazy for wanting what I just wrote about? Do you know of anyone who got into the situation as I am about to enter? Your feed back is appreciated. Just please don't call me names over what I feel, I know that my situation is rather unique. I would love to hear success stories (or failure) from any of you. Thanks for much in advance for your time. Take care

[tickle]

I know for sure I would never want to be the 'other woman', although I probably have been unwittingly a couple of times and thank god that those relationships didn't last. I hate to think of the damage I caused.

Yes, I think you are misdirected, not crazy for wanting to be only someone who sees a lover part time. So he has a second home and will be going back to 'assist in raising his daughter' with his wife 'who has cancer' 'going back to maintain his home'.

My thoughts are that I would run away from this arrangement as fast as my legs could carry me. How could you possibly live like this in the long term. I see so many red flags, so many opportunities for heart ache, lost years, lost time.

Is this the best you can do with your life?

Tick

[jmjoseph]

He is married to a terminally ill woman, yet is carrying on with you. Yea, that sure sounds "loyal" to me. Whatever he does, or doesn't have, or do, in his marriage, is none of your business. Sure he's going to make his wife sound bad, just to lure you in. Stop being weak minded.

Until he gets a divorce, he's off limits. You KNOW that this is wrong in the eyes of God and normal society.

Can't you find man who's not married?

How would YOU feel if he was YOUR husband, and YOU had cancer? And how do you know that he won't trade YOU in for a "newer model"?

People that will cheat WITH you, will cheat ON you.

You "need our views"?

Behave, and stop being a mistress to a sick woman's HUSBAND.

Because that's all you are.

You asked for it, and there it is.

This is not intended to hurt you, it's to open your cheating eyes.

[Jake2008]

When he first approached you, asking you to 'be with him', were you? Is that when the affair started?

That you have kept in touch with him all these years, despite the fact that he cheated several times on his wife as you said, says that he is, at best, a friend.

I don't know how you can describe him as loyal. Do you mean to his wife?

Did I read you right that his wife is going through cancer treatment, and at the same time, the two of you are planning a life together at the same time? I guess you being with her husband will somehow help her through this rough time.

You fault 'her' or their marriage for a lack of intimacy, yet he has had several affairs- why is the fault his wife's.

I know you don't want to hear from people like me. I don't screw around, never have, never will. Let alone with a married man, who's wife is going through cancer treatments. I would never put myself in a position of being a part time anything with a man, and if I ever did, the last person I would blame for it happening, is his wife! For God's sake, she's going through cancer treatments, and you are finding fault with her??

This seems so low, sneaky, underhanded, and immoral to me. You cannot present the facts you have, with all the sugar coating, and expect some sort of encouragement, or have a confirmation that this is somehow OK to do. It isn't. It is about as wrong as it gets, emotionally, physically, morally, and any other which way.

You are involved with a married man, who's wife is going through cancer treatment. He has cheated on her multiple times, even though as you say, it was 'only' for sex, so somehow that makes it sort of okay in your book. You attempt to make her seem somehow responsible for him doing what he did, and justify his need to 'life with you part time', and plan a life together. Are you waiting for her to die? What if she doesn't. Do you still want to be involved with a man with the morals of a gutter snake? But then, you do, and that is certainly not my call.

I think the two of you deserve each other.

I just hope that his wife survives this infidelity, that it doesn't affect her prognosis, and she is strong enough to weather the lies, deceipt, and backstabbing that you and her husband are putting her through.

There is NO justification for an affair, under any circumstances. But this, is just abhorrent in my opinion. Morally repugnant in other words, the worst of the worst of human behaviour- in both of you.

You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking of doing this to another woman.

[jmjoseph]

"Ineed", these two ladies, Tickle and Jake2008, have given all that you need. They are both women with honor and conscience. You should reconsider your plans.

I'll spare you the religious consequences of your actions. How God cherishes the sactity of marriage, and how there is a special place in hell for people who would do such a thing to a woman struggling for her life.

Have you no heart?

What did you expect? For some professional mistresses to come on here and validate your actions?

And neither of you are "loyal". So give us a break.

[martinizing2]

Your feed back is appreciated. Just please don't call me names over what I feel, I know that my situation is rather unique. I would love to hear success stories (or failure) from any of you. Thanks for much in advance for your time.




Your situation is not unique. You try to tell it like it is , but sneaking around having sex with married people is not unique or new.

And that is all you are doing. So his wife has cancer.. I was not aware that a dying spouse is a golden ticket that wipes away morals, compassion, good sense, and all perception of decency.

Are you two discreet enough not to jump into her death bed and see if she's up for a threesome?

I did as you asked and did not call you any names.

And I sure as hell don't have any success stories of a similar nature.

I wish you well... but do not hold much hope for it to happen.

I'm sorry

[JudyKayTee]

There's nothing unique about your situation. You are going to be a part-time wife (translation: sex partner) to a man whose full-time wife is undergoing cancer treatment, a man who has had numerous "sexual" affairs over the years.

If I had a nickel for every man who approached me because he was in sexless marriage since {fill in the blank here} I would have a whole bunch of nickels.

First, I don't know how you could do "this" to another woman, particularly a woman facing a life-threatening disease.

Second, I have some experience from the other side of this. You respect his dedication, loyalty and sense of responsibility, none of which traits I am seeing here.

Here is how loyalty and responsibility work - my late husband died over the course of five years. He was in the hospital more than he was home. At the end he was in a coma.

Know what responsibility, loyalty and dedication are? I visited every day, often for 12 hours; I held his hand when he no longer recognized me and no longer knew I was there; I fought with his Doctors over his treatment; I talked to him when I knew he could no longer hear my voice; I changed his bandages and I changed his diapers - yes, I changed his diapers; I walked behind his casket.

Why? Because I loved him, because I married for better or worse/in sickness and in health AND because I'm an adult and he was my husband. I didn't take up with someone else in a "unique" situation and, believe me, I had offers because a lot of people thought they "knew what I needed."

I grieved and I mourned but I can look in the mirror and not be ashamed of myself. And you know the best part (if there is a best part) of all of this - if our positions had been reversed, my husband would have done the same for me.

I wonder if you and your "boyfriend" will be able to look in a mirror and feel good about yourselves - ?

[Ineedyourviews]

Thanks for all you feedback. Thinking about what you all wrote makes total sense, except from the person who called me "cheap". I am far from cheap, just new to the approach of a married man's proposal. I was married for 25 year to a man who had a stroke at age 39 a stroke. I nursed him back to health for 7 years and when he was "functioning" again, the reward I got was him running around town with every woman he could find. That's where I ended it. Your feed back is much appreciated, and tomorrow will be the day where it all ends. I won't lie, it be hard, but I make it.

Thanks again

[DoulaLC]

Thanks for all you feedback. Thinking about what you all wrote makes total sense, except from the person who called me "cheap". I am far from cheap, just new to the approach of a married man's proposal. I was married for 25 year to a man who had a stroke at age 39 a stroke. I nursed him back to health for 7 years and when he was "functioning" again, the reward I got was him running around town with every woman he could find. That's where I ended it. Your feed back is much appreciated, and tomorrow will be the day where it all ends. I won't lie, it be hard, but i make it.

thanks again

I hope you are able to make it, regain some respect, and no longer think so selfishly. It really won't be that hard if you put yourself back several years and recall the pain, heartbreak, and betrayal you felt.

I can't imagine you would want to inflict that on another woman, and on children no less.

Remember, this man is no different than your ex-husband, who you also once loved. Same lies to his wife and family, same disloyal actions... just a different story.

I wish you well...

[Ineedyourviews]

Thank you DoLa. I have broken it off. I been crying a lot. The pain will pass.

[Jake2008]

You're doing the right thing.

Take good care of yourself.

[DoulaLC]

Thank you DoLa. I have broken it off. I been crying a lot. The pain will pass.

Yes, it will... but you will be wiser, and will feel better about yourself as well. Spend time with family and friends... time will make it easier.

[talaniman]

It's a sign of hope that you have made a great decision to follow a path of dignity, and self respect, and an even better sign was you sought out advise, before you completely fell in a deeper hole. I think you were caught up, but had a feeling something was off in this unique experience.

It will get a lot better for you, I can guarantee it.

[JudyKayTee]

Let's all hold hands and chant, "These are the States where you can be sued for alienation of affection - Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah."

I HAVE seen lawsuits in other States but don't know if they have been successful.

[glossygirl121]

Everyone is so quick to judge, because of course, they've been in your EXACT situation. Please...that's a joke and not even a good one. Every situation is unique with unique circumstances. It just blows my mind that you were asking for advice or examples and what you got was a lot of judgement passed on you. Right, wrong, or indifferent, NO ONE, Christian or otherwise, has the right to judge you. I have learned from experience that everything is not always black and white. There is usually a lot of gray area out there and that's where opinions start flying. I say follow your heart, your mind, and your gut. No one knows this man or the situation like you do, so it would be unfair to tell you how it will play out. I would expect that you and he both are in for a rough ride at times. If this is what you feel that you want, just realize that it surely won't come without some snags and bumps....as are to be expected in ANY relationship. Just be prepared for an extra bumpy ride...

I wish you nothing but happiness and the best, no matter your decision. Why would anyone want anything less for you when they don't even know you?

Best of luck!

[JudyKayTee]

Interesting sermon but the OP left AMHD in 2010 and hasn't been back.

Do you post under another user name? Strange that this is the ONLY post you've seen fit to answer.