[rickjames1011]

I am such an idiot! I don't want to waste your time everyone but this is difficult! Obviously, it didn't last long and I am using again... my wife has stopped almost completely and I worked it so that I have 20mg pills which I am going to do orally and hopefully they will be easier to stop that way. I am very discouraged and I feel like I let myself down and all of you that took time out of your day to help us. I do however have a plan now and I have every intension on following through this time. God I hate this! I hate being controlled by this drug and I can't believe this is running my life! I have always been in control! Any thoughts anyone? Besides I'm a idiot?

[KISS]

With idiots, you can always find a better one. You can't fix stupid.

We said it was going to be hard. I say you need counseling with a psychologist/psychitrist to get rid of addicting type behaviors.

It should be an encouragement that your wife stopped. The male ego, that if my wife can do so can I should have kicked in by now big time.

I want you to say to yourself "No negative waves" and repeat many times throughout the day.

I have a thought that might help. You need a way to record something and continually play it back repetatatively before/during sleep. Possibly a pillow speaker. You could possible use your PC with a microphone and Recording software. I thing Realplayer Pro will work and it's cheap.

If you want to try, I need a list of behaviors that impact your life in a negative way and you would like to change. Then come up with a statement like

"I will constantly make moderation my goal". I will do everything in moderation. Every day, I will evaluate what I did in excess. I will work to change this behavior. My goal in life is to do everything in moderation. I must not do anything excessively. I will constantly make moderation my goal.

What I would do is record this with a pause of silence that would allow you to say it back to yourself. The goal is to memorize it and repeat it back to yourself.

I'd record about an hour of this.

Put a pillow speaker under your bed. It will work on your subconcious. Bedtime is best.

I had to memorize 100 words, how to spell them, their definitions and use them in a sentence for a test. We were given the words a few days prior to the exam and only the words on the exam.

I can't memorize, but I got a 100% of what I previously wrote down. I got a couple wrong because of some odd reason.

Are you ready?

Come up with some other behaviors. Note: I did not specifically identify the behavior you wanted to stop. The underlying cause is moderation. If you did things in moderation, you would not have this problem, right?

I'll bet there are other behavours you do in excess?

[jmjoseph]

Rick, you're not stupid. A little weak maybe, but not stupid.

Have you had withdrawals? I know that you're going through the normal cravings, but have you done without long enough as to go in full withdrawal?
And 20mg oxycodone pills, at who knows how many a day, is not doing anything for the "tapering off plan". You should be breaking those in quarters by now.

I understand the need for "total secrecy" due to work and family/friends.(they probably know something's going on already)

I even understand how we can convince ourselves how we "can do it by ourselves". But you really need professional help. You should be successfully detoxed, rehab'ed, and then do the 12 steps. Anything short of AT LEAST detox, is doomed to fail. I know the struggle that you're going through. I know the draw. Drugs are the most important thing in your life right now. Oxycodone is your master. It's all about getting them, and doing them. How much money are you spending for these Oxycontins? I had prescriptions for mine, but when I ran out early, I went to the street. I know how high they can be. Up to a dollar per mg. That adds up quick, HUH?

Go to a clinic or hospital. Check in and get the drugs out of your system. No one has to know. Go to a nearby town.( I know the best place on Earth.) Then, and only then, will you be able to TRY to stay clean.

Let us know what's up.

God bless the still suffering alcoholic/addict.

[J_9]

I'm going to chime in here and say something I probably should keep to myself... but oh well, none of you know me personally.

At one time I was addicted to something MUCH stronger than Oxy, and no it was not a prescription medication.

For me I just laid it down and quit. Much like your wife. Some of us have the willpower, some of us don't. If you don't, it doesn't make you weaker, or stupid, it's just that the drug has a stronger hold on you than it does some of us.

I know the male mentality (not to be sexist), but many men feel weak if they can't do things themselves. This is far from the truth. It actually takes a very strong person to know that they need help and actually ask for it.

[J_9]

jmjoseph agrees : I agree. It took help for me. It whipped my butt, over and over again.

You can only be as strong as you are. You are not weak if you need help.

When I was in nursing school, yes after my addiction, and I actually consider myself cured, not in recovery, my mantra was...

"I am only as smart as I am...I cannot be any smarter than what the Good Lord gave me. Let me accept my grades as they are, let me accept myself for who I am."

There is no shame in asking for help when help is needed.

Can you re-shingle a roof? Do you call a roofer?

Can you set a broken leg or do you go to the hospital?

There is no shame in asking for help from someone who is a professional in that particular field.

[jmjoseph]

You can only be as strong as you are. You are not weak if you need help.

When I was in nursing school, yes after my addiction, and I actually consider myself cured, not in recovery, my mantra was...

"I am only as smart as I am...I cannot be any smarter than what the Good Lord gave me. Let me accept my grades as they are, let me accept myself for who I am."

There is no shame in asking for help when help is needed.

Can you re-shingle a roof? Do you call a roofer?

Can you set a broken leg or do you go to the hospital?

There is no shame in asking for help from someone who is a professional in that particular field.

I agree. It takes help and support to really make it work.

[DrBill100]

I understand the need for "total secrecy" due to work and family/friends.(they probably know something's going on already)

I even understand how we can convince ourselves how we "can do it by ourselves". But you really need professional help. You should be successfully detoxed, rehab'ed, and then do the 12 steps....Up to a dollar per mg. That adds up quick, HUH?

Go to a clinic or hospital. Check in and get the drugs out of your system. No one has to know.

Medically supervised detox in a hospital setting has many advantages:
1) No access to drugs. This removes the temptation and results in an immediate resignation to the process.
2) Your withdrawal symptoms are closely monitored and you are provided medication to alleviate.
3) You are given a complete examination to determine what, if any, organic damage has resulted.

While many, if not most, such programs are 30 days you can generally find shorter programs. If not, then

The next best step is an outpatient program (private practice or clinic). Such programs usually utilize gradual reduction and counteractive meds, i.e.. Suboxone. Also effective, but obviously you receive a little less palliative care.

Compared to what you are currently spending on the drug either alternative is economically advantageous.

Post-withdrawal care is another subject entirely and those considerations should and can only be made with a clear head. You will meld into that. At the present time the only question is "how do I stop this cycle of drug taking?"

When you resolve to take an action and are unable to accomplish it, it always results in self-doubt and as a result militates against future attempts. Your feelings are perfectly normal, a big let down, but your choice of words unduly self-critical.

I have read every diagnostic classification ever written in the addiction field and please be assured that "stupid" or "weak" has never appeared in a single one. Attempts to stop and relapse, on the other hand, are symptomatic of addiction. It's all part of the psychophysiologic condition. To be expected. The very nature of the classification.

Medically supervised withdrawal is the best and easiest solution. Eventually, you will probably make it on your own. But in attempting to do so you must also add to the economic cost above, the physical pain, suffering and mental anguish that will occur over that indefinite period.

Given your motivation, I have every confidence that you will find the best vehicle available to you and eventually be successful. Best of luck.

[rickjames1011]

OK so I am off oxy contin now and it has been two days... I have had ups and downs and have taken 4mg dilaudids a few times... they seem to be helping but I am struggling. I am so ready this time and it seems like the withdrawals were worse the last time so I feel good about it. I know that doing the dilaudid is cheating and its not sober but hey, I think it will be much easier to put those down as opposed to the other... I am not getting high off these, they just take the edge off. How is everyone else doing? I haven't wrote in a couple of days due to the wds anyone out there today?

[jmjoseph]

Yes, you are cheating with the other narcotics, but, whatever works for you to get off the oxys. Hang in there and be tough.

As far as MY sobriety, I'm still clean and sober, 17 months and counting. My life is so much simpler now. An honest, more wholesome life. Life is good now. It's "good morning God", instead of "good God, it's morning!"

[rickjames1011]

OK, I am off the oxy and off the dilaudid... I just took ib profen and benadryl.nlets see how the rest of the night goes. Three days off oxy and I don't have the crutch of dilaudid anymore. I'm scared! I know that I have made it through the worst by getting off the oxy but I have had something in my system for the last year and a half and I don't know how to feel anymore! I have to work tomorrow and um I'm screwed! Anybody out there tonight? Any suggestions for tomorrow? I have dilaudid at my disposal but I am not trying to do anymore because I will never get better

[KISS]

Yep. Concentrate on work. Do a good job.

[rickjames1011]

I cheated again today... I took three of those ds... I couldn't get out of bed and I didn't know what to do. Yesterday I stopped taking those ds at around three and wds kicked in at around 8 and I took two benadryl(generic brand) and it didn't seem like it helped. Sorry to keep posting but that's what this place is for right? Support and advice? This can be done right

[KISS]

You can't give into the withdrawal symptoms. You HAVE to fight them without aid. Suffer.

If they are not LIFE THREATENING, they are not a problem.

[rickjames1011]

OK, I will try again...

[J_9]

Withdrawals suck. Plain and simple. BUT you can't beat an addiction without them. By taking the dilaudid you are substituting one addiction for another. And yes, you can get addicted to these as well.

Unfortunately you are going to HAVE to go through the withdrawals. There's no way to beat them completely. Sure benadryl might take some of the edge off, but it's not going to make them vanish.

Yes, this place is for advice and support. But sometimes you need just a little more. Have you looked into Narcotics Anonymous? Home

[rickjames1011]

I will be attending my first NA meeting tomorrow evening... my wife will not go with me because she thinks that they will press religion on people in a vulnerable state. The only reason they hold them there is because their free right?

[KISS]

That's a good start. A neighbor attends AA meetings and essentially wants to attend them all.

[J_9]

i will be attending my first NA meeting tomorrow evening... my wife will not go with me because she thinks that they will press religion on people in a vulnerable state. the only reason they hold them there is because their free right?

No, they don't push religion per se. They believe in a higher power, but if your personal higher power is the moon, well that's okay by them. Yes, they are held many times at churches because the churches donate the use of the room for that purpose.

They are not affiliated with any particular religion.

[jmjoseph]

Go to a meeting and see what happens there. It's not about religion. Like J_9 mentioned, it's about your "higher power" helping you through the addictive behavior. Just go.

No excuses, no substitutes.

Yes, withdrawals suck, but you have to go through them. Be tougher than them, and carry on with your life. Yes, it can be done. Many of us here have done it through harder circumstances than usual.

Throw those pills away!

And come back as often as you feel the need. We'll help you if you listen to our advice.

[rickjames1011]

OK so I just got back from the meeting and it was OK... you guys are right and it is about your personal higher power. I did good today! I only did two dilaudids today. Considering yesterday I did five and usually I needed two to just get out of bed.. I am going to beat this, I want it so bad I am willing to try anything. I have a three day weekend coming up here and I will continue to ween down until Friday and I hope that's it. See guys the plot thickens... I get the dilaudids from my roommate who turned me on to oxy initially. We lost everything and we ended up renting out their basement so even if I threw those out, I can get more!! Ahhh I'm stuck in a deadly cycle and we are trying to move by the end of this month but we are so far behind, we are going to have to see how it goes. I am determined though and I have a good job... lets hope imcan hang on to it during these trying times