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helz89 · Aug 14, 2010, 05:52 AM

I was with my boyfriend for 21 months. He decided to end things a few weeks ago. We still live together with some other students. He says he still loves me but he can't put up with the arguments and just wants to be friends, I know that we have had quite a few arguments and its mainly due to me. Im getting some help for a counselling service now, the break up made me realise just how bad I was. I want him back and miss him so much. I think we can make it work now that I'm getting some help but he doesn't trust that the arguments will be reduced and less heated. Is there anything I can do?

talaniman · Aug 14, 2010, 08:54 AM

Solve your personal problems first, and see if you improve yourself before you even think about any relationship.

Proof is in the pudding, not high hopes.

Maybe he has had enough, but for sure if he doesn't want any more chances with you, your efforts can help you in the NEXT relationship.

Cat1864 · Aug 14, 2010, 09:35 AM

I am glad you are getting help. However, I want to interject some caution into your thinking.

You are in the beginning stages of making changes in your life. It is very easy at this stage to see hope and think that everything has been fixed. Unfortunately, it is also the stage where, if you are not careful, you can fall back into bad habits. Give yourself time to make certain that the changes you are making will last.

I am sure he isn't the only one who has been hurt by your actions/reactions especially if you live with other people. Show all of them that you are changing by doing things the way you know you should and living your life. Let the relationships evolve naturally as you learn better ways of handling life.

Don't hold onto the past. The past has a way of holding us back when we try to move forward. Live in the present and work on building a better you for the future.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 14, 2010, 11:50 AM

The thing you can do is continue on with your counseling. Get yourself to a healthy place and part of getting there is having to face the fact that sometime when you do wrong to people, they don't want to go there again with you. That is their choice. The lesson in that for you is to allow them their choice.

lickemlolly · Aug 14, 2010, 12:13 PM

I would agree here and concentrate on working on yourself... allow him to "see" that you are making progress.. this is probably all too new to him and probably doesn't trust the fact that things will be different and in all reality who's to say that they will.. YOU should be your number one focus.. others will fall into place after that...

Cat1864 · Aug 14, 2010, 12:46 PM

I just read a post you made in another thread where you said that you have only had three sessions so far. Work on healing for right now and changing for yourself.

helz89 · Aug 14, 2010, 01:07 PM

Thanks guys. I think I know that I need to sort myself out first really, hearing others saying the same helps :)

martinizing2 · Aug 14, 2010, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by helz89

Thanks guys. I think I know that I need to sort myself out first really, hearing others saying the same helps :)

Since the previous posts have about said it all on this matter, I'll add this,

These people who answered you are some of the most caring intelligent and experienced people in these matters you could hope to find.

So what you have heard is probably the soundest and most sage advice you could find.

I am sure it will help if you take it to heart and I wish you well.

Devorameira · Aug 14, 2010, 02:33 PM

Remember that actions speak much louder than words.

Don't try to talk him into a reconciliation, but instead let your actions show that your counseling is helping.

j3211 · Aug 14, 2010, 05:11 PM

I'm afraid at this point he is over you and the past is the past. Move on to new people because this guy will never be able to see the change in you. Most people can never recognize when you change. You say to yourself, "I will never do that again", and you don't do it again but people never see that you've stopped they only remember you did.

helz89 · Aug 19, 2010, 06:34 AM

My boyfriend broke up with me after 21 months together 3 weeks ago. We live in a shared house but he moved out of my room. He says he still loves me but that he doesn't think it would work if we gave it another try and he's unwilling to give us a second chance. However, he keeps hugging me and snuggling up to me in my bed. He has also slept in my bed (nothing happened) on three occasions. I know I shouldn't let him but its so temping when I'm so heartbroken and miss him, the closeness is nice. Its confussing for me as he's saying one thing but his actions are suggesting another. I asked him to move out if there really is no chance for us to be together. Did I do the right thing? I really want him back and miss him so much!

Sillygal · Aug 19, 2010, 06:42 AM

It sounds like you are going through a pretty confusing and emotionally draining time.

Did this come out of the blue? Or was it coming for a while.

Do you know what is behind his actions?

I don't know about you, but I want a partner who respects me and doesn't want to be "with me" but not commit to me.

I think we all deserve respect and should respect ourselves by setting boundaries about what is and is not acceptable behaviour. This will be hard as when you are hurting all you want to do is be with him. But being with him, if he doesn't want what you do, will only prolong and exacerbate the pain - as there will be a time when he doesn't want to be close and you will.

Take care

Devorameira · Aug 19, 2010, 08:36 AM

You definitely did the right thing in asking him to move if he feels there was no chance for you as a couple.

Until he does move out, you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and not allow him anywhere near your bed.

Leave him sitting at the house and go out with your friends and don't even bother telling him where you're going - you own him no explanations! Remember, HE broke up with you.

helz89 · Aug 20, 2010, 02:07 AM

I have now moved out temporarily and am staying with a friend on an airbed... I'm so miserable :(

Sillygal · Aug 20, 2010, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by helz89

I have now moved out temporarily and am staying with a friend on an airbed.... im so miserable :(

Don't be miserable, be proud of yourself for having the strength and courage to do the right thing by you. You would be miserable if he was using you, or you allowed something to continue that was not making you happy!

Whilst I don't think he should make you uncomfortable in your own home, I think you have shown tremendous courage by removing yourself from the situation.

Take time for yourself. Focus on you, what makes you happy, spend time with your friends and look after you.

talaniman · Aug 20, 2010, 07:05 AM

Originally Posted by helz89
I have now moved out temporarily and am staying with a friend on an airbed... I'm so miserable

I can only applaud you for doing the right thing by yourself despite some heavy feelings over this break up.

BRAVO!!

Cat1864 · Aug 20, 2010, 07:48 AM

Good job taking that step. This may be the best thing for you in giving you a fresh start.

Talk to your therapist and let him/her know what is going on so that you get the support you need and don't back-slide into the old habits.

I know it hurts, but keep yourself busy mentally and physically. Try to look for the positive instead of dwelling on the negatives.

Good luck. :)

helz89 · Aug 21, 2010, 01:47 AM

Couldn't stay with my friend last night so ended up going back hom for the night... instead of sleeping in his bed, my ex climbed in with me! I was stupid to think this meant he wanted me back and I tried it on with him... he rejected me but then was snuggling into me :S. I asked him when he stopped loving me and he said that he never had he only told himself he had. He also said he was happy whilst we were snuggling up and that he would miss me when I move in with my nan (today). Im so confussed!! What does he want? I miss him like mad and want him back. :S

talaniman · Aug 21, 2010, 05:13 AM

Its not so confusing at all, move with your Nan(today), and let him miss you, while you heal and get over this. You know what he wants, you. But he doesn't want any kind of commitment. Just free milk when he wants it. I have no doubt you know that. He expects you to cave to his wishes, so don't.

You did it once, you can do it again, but better this time.

helz89 · Aug 21, 2010, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its not so confusing at all, move with your Nan(today), and let him miss you, while you heal and get over this. You know what he wants, you. But he doesn't want any kind of commitment. Just free milk when he wants it. I have no doubt you know that. He expects you to cave to his wishes, so don't.

You did it once, you can do it again, but better this time.

Not sure that it is just 'free milk' he wants though as he rejected my advances and wouldn't even kiss me...

I am defo going to move to my nans today for at least two weeks to see how things go, either he will want me bk or I will get over him.

Im planning on leaving this note:

"name,

I just wanted to write a quick note to say that im sorry about the way i treated you in the past and for everything that has happened. Im sorry that our relationship didnt work out

I hope that we can be friends in the future as we had a lot of good times together and we were a big part of each others lives, it would be a shame to loose that connection.

Good luck, take care and be happy

helz"

Good idea or bad?