[Outoftime44]

Hi, I Have a mess of a situation. Sorry for the long post. I wanted to try and articulate some of the depth, and my shortcomings as well as hers.

I met my ex at my last job before I left for school. After a few months of working together, we hit it off before I left for school. We got together, and when I left we kept talking non stop everyday, more and more.
We became so close, and fell in complete love, and travelled back and forth across the country to see each other, becoming closer to each other than anyone in each others' lives before.

We both became very needy for the first six months (new experience for me), and she kept upping the relationship professing her forever love for me, etc, etc. We travelled together, spent tons of time, but she wasn't adjusting to her new life well (and I wasn't at school) but we kept things up with our love and connection to each other.

One night (december) while I was at school she had an incident where a minor celebrity kissed her and the wound for me somehow did not heel and I became very insecure. Being long distance after this was hard and I was thinking about breaking up with her for 2 months (jan - feb)

I was very hard on her and it caused some tension. I semi-begrudged her, but we still shared everything together and visited each other frequently. But I kept being slighted at everything she was doing.

At the end of the school year, we would be together for the summer and in the same place for the next year as well (she was moving to be with me where I would study the next academic year). So we tried to make it that far because we loved each other so much. But I had become insecureand looked for things wrong with her (especially after she was talking marrying me and kids with me).

Then we started having breakups that lasted a day/or a couple days. Mainly her breaking up with me after a certain point. I was in intense school and sick, and well...

Then one day I snapped and said mean things to her via text message and she stopped speaking to me for 4 days and I couldn't get a hold of her. We had some tension building between us.

But she said strong things about never being with me but started to talk to me more and more and gradually over 2 weeks things restored to normal and we saw each other again. Just as good as always, However, I felt like I
Was walking on eggshells at that point, but things started going really great again. However, she became extremely sensitive as well to anything I would do and I was already super sensitive to each her. It was very stressful on both of us.

But we kept having great times together/ talks together / visits etc... until one night she got super drunk and I got nervous about our relationship I was also sick at the time and had been fighting off some fungus in my body for almost 2 years. I started to picture her as having a different identity with her friends than with me, almost as if I was on the backburner. My emotions were going out of control but I was desperately holding on to her.

She also had great stress in her life and did not handle it well. Then when she cancelled on some things to do with me, I got in a bad mood, (I would snap into a bad mood and like shut down) and we started to not be able
To sleep well without each other or really fully function without the other person giving re-assurances.

It would cause us both to be stressed around the other person at the drop of a hat and even semi have panic attacks. Then she started to paint me as the crazy one, as if something was wrong with me, and of course this makes things worse.

So she broke up with me again, and I get my head on straight immediately like (*** was all that BS! That's not what life is about.) and we vowed to make changes to do things right and like a normal relationship. Basically I get painted as the crazy one, who needs to changce, but low and beold So 3-4 weeks go on great, and she starts to get super intense into things again (not slow as we planned) and I go to meet her family, as her future husband in her head. In the car ride up I sense she is trying to bring me down a bit, because in her mind "i broke her heart" with the other major fights I caused. Anyway, we respond to stress in the same way. I think I felt as if, one slip up and I am done, and her that I would lose my cool on her at anytime. I also felt it was inevitable she would get drunk and mess up again. She is a bit insecure and over-emotional under a hard exterior, and only I know about it, and it made me insecure...

Well the night at her parents out we go out with her friends and I get too drunk (heightened by my intestinal illness) and I get into a bad mood- like I see her sloppy and drunk and someone brings up the celebrity she had kissed. I was
Near blacked out and asked a friend who was there for that event if it was a kiss or a makeout and the friend would not answer. My ex girlfriend had told me he kissed her and she pushed him away, but I had reasons to suggest otherwise. The way that thing went down was horrible.I also remember just becoming overcome with a feeling of "if this is how she acts when I am not around I can't take it anymore" and basically my body responded by alcohol to the feeling of when she kissed the guy, and thinking she lied, I sent more mean texts saying she was a "slut" and "i couldnt marry her"
And for future bf's don't be a reality star groupie. We both don't talk the rest of the night and she ended it with me via text message when together.

The next morning I am at a loss for words, and she sends me home 4 hours by train. But before I am sent home I beg to stay and it is a big whole embarrassing commotion getting kicked out of her house, and she goes nuts,
And so do I. We hug and say goodbye and I leave to talk about it later.

Then 2 days after it happened, she said she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and can't communicate with me anymore. I beg to fix this, make it right, and she says she can't talk to me anymore, that our relationship broke a part of her So anyway I send a few
Emails but basically leave her alone for a week except for a heartful letter. Then she sends me an email saying "ill always love you, i love everything you are, but can't live with it" I play it cool email back. It was a very vague goodbye email, like designed to push by buttons.

Next day I try to hang out via text, and she says she can't. Then ignores my reply text. I leave it for a week then send a text agreeing the breakup is for the best, then an email offering an apology. She accepts the apology, acts cold in her reply, and says she can't see us being in other lives. Then I call to leave an apology on her voicemail and she
Chats me online that does not want me in her life anymore. I say OK, it's a mistake, but I respect it, I understand I made mistakes didn't act like a man, going to turn around and not look back.

And haven't communicated with her and have not heard from her since. Been trying hard to move on with the great help of family and friends.

The entire time our relationship was going on we were obsessively involved with each other, and now I am left with nothing, and struggling to make it day to day. During our relationship we both lost our sense of identity
And our own self worth/individuality and even confidence so we needed to break up.

But losing her in my life for good has been tough because I feel I have an undying love for her I never felt for anyone before. OUr intense love caused these things. We both respond to things in the same way.

I have done a lot of growth/reconnecting with friends/spiritual self improvement/feeling better about myself over the past month since the last big event, and want to share things with her. It has been near 2 weeks of no contact.

In fact, I had some trust/vulnerable issues completely giving myself over to another person and planning on them being the last person I would be with forever.

Wow typing this out it looks like this relationship was one disaster and I should thank my blessings it is over. My family and friends think so and so do hers I'm sure. But I miss her and everything about her, I'm
Addicted to her. I want her to contact me at some point because she was in love with me as of before that drunken night, we just could not get past our emotional baggage. But I'm seeing clearer now and I want to share it with her, but she is painting me
As the psycho nut/loser/crazy one when in fact she was crazier if not more so!

At this point I am in a love-hate situation, but deep down I feel guilt for what I did wrong and want a do-over. I've learnd so much, but I didn't want to learn at her expense.

I think deep down inside she knows its equally her fault, but she is in a position of power and put the screws in me a bit. Haven't had one conversation since and she is fronting that her life is great and she is happier than ever...

Sounds doomed? I just don't like losing the best friend I've ever had, and the girl who I had the greatest times with in my life. At this point it sounds like either 1) she wants to move on and can't if she talking to me 2) simultaneously wants to hurt me for how I've hurt her 3) has no respect for me anymore 4) realizes it was a destructive relationship and this is how it has to go.

I feel though as if she manipulated me into her little world in which I completely lost myself, and without my trust for her, we just both weren't happy.

[lifeistough75]

Wow! This is very similar to my situation a few months back, except we did not do much drinking. I tell you that it does not matter what her reasons are (1 or 2 or 3, or 4, or combination of them), the great insight of your post is what you have already provided in the post. Writing this has given you a fresh perspective on this relationship, it was a disaster. This was a toxic relationship, and normally, those relationships that start with the intensity you describe end up very similar to yours. Time to let it go regardless of the reason, and move on. Even if there is going to be relationship in the future, there must not be a restoration, meaning enough time must pass for this relationship to be completely over, and when both of you are healed, may be a new relationship based on new, and clean slate can begin. This one is over, I know how hard it is to get rid of the guilty feelings, and the urge to do things over. We all go through that, and over analyze our mistakes, but remember, do you really want a woman that kisses or makes out with celebrities? Leave her alone, and good luck my friend.

[Outoftime44]

It's so hard to accept the obvious because I love her so much and she loved everything about me... So hard that we never had one more conversation, my best friend refusing to talk to me and thinking I am messed up. I bear the burden of the guilt and am painted as a psycho. Despite everything I feel like I sabatoged something special with my insecurities.

But I honestly stopped trusting her a bit when it happened. The way it went down was Terrible.

It's been two weeks since I have last tried to contact her and am going strong now.

[talaniman]

Leave her alone, two drunks will never make sense to each other. You think alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior? Its NOT, for any one!

[Outoftime44]

Leave her alone, two drunks will never make sense to each other. You think alcohol is an excuse for bad behavior? Its NOT, for any one!

I don't think it was an excuse, it was obviously a sign of problems with my own insecurities and the way I was dealing with the relationship trauma. Unfortunately, I couldn't properly communicate my feelings and it came out this way. I've done a lot of learning and growing on how I became a straight up bad person in this relationship, and I still feel guilt for having done something to hurt someone I love (or anyone for that matter).

[vanheart]

Get with yourself first, then others.

Take some time doing that.

[Outoftime44]

Get with yourself first, then others.

Take some time doing that.

By that do you mean working on my issues? You're right, I've somehow lost myself in this mess. Completely went from a happy in control person to an emotional mess in the past six months, addicted to a girl for anything good in my life.

[vanheart]

"addicted to a girl for anything good in my life."

Bingo. That's a start.

Now. Who you are.
From before till now, I mean way back. What's good about you, what's bad. What you want, what you don't.

What do others see. How do want to be seen?
And live? How to make yourself a more aware person?

Becoming one, or closer. Then relationships. With anyone.

[Outoftime44]

"addicted to a girl for anything good in my life."

Bingo. Thats a start.

Now. who you are.
From before till now, I mean way back. Whats good about you, whats bad. What you want, what you dont.

What do others see. How do want to be seen?
And live? How to make yourself a more aware person?

Becoming one, or closer. Then relationships. With anyone.

I certainly don't want to be seen as how I am now, or how I became at the end of this relationship, or how she is portraying me to people. I don't want to be addicted to her.

I'm honestly scared I won't find anyone I'll love like her again, but things are clearly no good between us. Typing this out really made it clear how ridiculous.

[vanheart]

So don't.

No more reason to.

The only thing to worry about is yourself now.

"Typing this out really made it clear how ridiculous."

Do more typing. Let that crap out.
Think, write, play, read, learn, soul search, laugh, cry, whatever.

If you dig deep now, you will save yourself some denial later.

There will always be ones out there. Just make sure who you are. When your gut dictates.

[vanheart]

I forgot to mention to go NC.

Delete her. No FB, emails, calls, texts, friends of friends, her family.

Remove all the previous stuff too. Pix, emails, love-notes, any stuff that reminds you.

Make a fresh start.

[Outoftime44]

Thanks.

I haven't contacted her for 15 days now, since she told me she does not want me in her life anymore. So I am going strong in that regard and won't contact her again and have her blocked on Facebook...

But the bad memories are fading and I am stuck with only the good ones. Isn't that in reverse? For some sick and twisted reason I want her to contact me again, even though my family and friends say never talk to her again when she does.

[vanheart]

Nothing wrong with good feelings.

Be glad now.

"sick and twisted reason I want her to contact me again''

We all want that. Part of the process.

"my family and friends say never talk to her again when she does."

They are right on, buddy. Glad to hear that you have an aware support group.

You'll be fine. Use this one as a major life lesson. Not your last one.

[Outoftime44]

Thanks a lot... I'll keep working on it... even though I'm delusional now.

I don't know why I care what she thinks of me, but it is eating me up that I am taking the fall for being a psycho and being the rejected one (even though it wasn't working out for either of us). One minute she thinks she is marrying me, the next I am sent from her house on a 4 hour train ride.

[vanheart]

Its normal those things. We all feel crappy when someone doesn't want us & look for answers.

The only answers lie within you.

"One minute she thinks she is marrying me, the next I am sent from her house on a 4 hour train ride."

Dude. I know the feeling.

Take that train. Make sure to ride it, look out the windows, meet people along the way.

"she thinks she is marrying me"

That was all in your head, not hers.

No matter what her words were. His her actions that matter.

And yours from now on. Do the right thing.
Stay NC, rebuild & have some fun.

[Outoftime44]

Thanks a lot man, I appreciate it... never been hit so hard before, never invested so much, never changed as person so negatively, never had such drama, and never loved someone so much. Been tough but I'm strong with the NC now, don't even consider contacting her or checking her FB or anything.

[vanheart]

Good, you have the right attitude.
Make sure you stick to it.

Heartache sucks. But denial is worse.

Don't let her suck you back in with sneaky messages.

Sometimes with pain, comes enlightenment.

You will get through this. Pulling for you.

Takes time. Don't deny yourself that.

[Outoftime44]

Everyone in the world says don't get sucked back in. She is moving to London to follow me (or was to follow me), we are from California, how much you want to be in 3 months she hits me up when she realizes I am not the cause of all her problems?

Thanks a lot man, you have some positive advice.

[vanheart]

"Everyone in the world says don't get sucked back in"

Who else are you waiting to tell you, her?

All you need to be concerned with is NC.
Doesn't sound like you you are if you are worrying about her "hitting you up"

She can hit up whoever. Its all about who's there on the other end to take her BS.

But vent away, my man. Were listening.

[Outoftime44]

Well she hasn't had a conversation with me since July 4th when I got sent home... so not looking likely. She's convinced herself it's all my fault and something is wrong with me and her life is so great and wonderful now.

We had each other's email passwords and she didn't change hers, so I was able to see what she was saying for a couple weeks after it happened. I stopped looking at her **** and changed my password and blocked Facebook... No contact was hard at first, I panicked, but I felt the need to apologize for what I did wrong and she was still so cold to me.

Still hard not to be in denail