[Skell]

Hi everyone,

After being here for a while and reading and offering advice mainly on relationships I often hear the word closure used.

I know in essence what it means, but what I want to know is what does it really mean, and does one ever really achieve it?

For example when someone comes here seeking advice on a broken relationship, often people will advise them to go and ask the ex why so they can get closure.

Does this really achieve closure? In my book it doesn't. When breaking up with someone after a serious relationship I don't see how you can get closure. Sure you can move on but how are all you questions answered.

How does going to your ex and asking her to tell you why she felt the need to sleep with your brother give you closure?

You are always going to have questions like what if I did this, how did it get to that etc etc.

If closure is getting answers to all your questions then I think finding it will be a difficult task for anyone!

Much like a parent with a murdered son. You hear people saying I hope they catch the murderer so the parents can get closure. How on earth will they eve have closure on such a thing?

So, I agree that we are all capable of moving on and getting over ex's. That happens everyday, but as far as getting closure goes I just hate the use of the word.

Perhaps once you have moved on completely and know truly in your heart that you have, then that is closure, but as far a seeking closure goes then I just don't understand it!

Sorry for my rant, but I have just read it a few times lately and can't quite get it.

Someone fill this 'stupid' person in please!

[BlazingCold]

You're not stupid! You have a good question.

I think closure isn't needed. Some people use closure as a way to get to talk to the ex, thinking that the ex owes them an explanation. But, in the end, it only adds more pain to be told again that you aren't wanted. The fact that your ex left you should be closure enough. Grieve, then move on.

[Skell]

Thanks Blaze. I know I'm not stupid. Please see link below as to why I used that word! LOL!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/member...ple-49444.html

[Skell]

Yeah I agree Blaze about people saying they want closure often don't want it at all. What they want is another excuse to talk to the ex again.

I mean how does being told one more time that it is 'officially' over give you closure?

I think it does anything but. It just opens up more questions that don't have answers!

[BlazingCold]

Would have given you rep, but I had to spread it around.

I wanted closure once. But now I realized it would spoil my view of the situation if I learned anymore. The fact that I'm single is closure enough for me.

However, the closure angle is a good way to guilt the ex into talking to you, if they had any doubt in the break up.

[imation]

Well ill use an example for what I think closure is..
Currently my mate has been dumped by his girlfriend of say.. 10 months or something like that.
He won't leave her alone because her reason for doing it was "she can't deal with his emotional stress that he puts on her right now because she has a lot to deal with on her own", she had tried to kill herself.
Almost any guy would say OK I understand and back off.
He wouldn't.
And still won't.
He would ring her come over to her house and try to kiss her and touch her, he tried everything. Being romantic, being funny, making her pity him when he broke down in tears in front of her, and he's now only just getting over his latest phase of texting every hour to tell her he loves her so much she's so beautiful and he's praying for her.
Now come on, who else is gagging while reading about his actions?
What I think he needs, is closure.
Closure that no matter what he does, its over.
They aren't getting back together.
That's what he needs to hear, but the girlfriend is not saying it the way she should.. but that's a different story.
That's what I think closure is. Knowing that its over, its passed, and that its time to move on.

[Skell]

What more closure does this guy need? She told him its over!

So your saying if he goes to her one more time and she says, "im finished with you once and for all because I can't deal with your emotional stress right now because i have to deal with my own" your friend is going to get closure?

How is this any more closure than what he already has?

What more does he want?
I just don't get the whole thing!

On a side note your friend needs some serious help. Serious help. That isn't normal. He is obsessed!

[Geoffersonairplane]

I see your point Skell, and agree that in most cases, wanting closure is just wanting the exact opposite.

However, when someone is left in limbo, like they are not really sure if it is over or if it is not, and the one who has done the breaking up has not really made it clear enough, then meeting them to get the answer of "is it really over?" "or is this a temporary thing?" may be of benefit.

I think in some situations, some dumpees are left without a clear understanding of what is happening. I know with my situation it was quite clear, she (my ex) said clearly "I don't want to be with you anymore" then I said to her in a state of shock "I won't take you back this time, not after you broke up with me the first two times" then she said to me "I won't be coming back this time Geoff" which to me was quite clear and I had no real need for further closure as this was the closure. She said it to me in plain English.

Whether she will regret it later on has no bearing on the closure that she gave me by saying this.

Albeit, 5 days later when I eventually got her to tell me to my face (initially, she did it over the phone) she did give me mixed messages like "I just think we should leave it for a while" e.t.c. which obviously had my mind ticking over thinking is it really over??

But really, in essence, I had my closure, I know it is over and I do not need to meet my ex to get any confirmation of that at all. I know where I stand.

So what I mean is, if one is left in a situation of limbo where he or she have not really been clearly informed as to what is happening i.e. break-up (usually permanent) or separation (temporary-mostly) then getting closure may help the dumpee to begin the process of healing and moving on without questioning whether it is really over or not. This is the only time I would agree with trying to get closure.

Otherwise, I agree with the previous posts that you are just trying to hold on and don't really want closure at all. If you want closure, then it must mean that you want it to be made clear that there is no chance of getting back together and it is permanent. If you need this and this works for you, then there is nothing wrong with this but be careful and make sure you know your motives for doing it.

The flipside to this closure coin is this.

I don't think that any kind of closure is going to achieve getting any answers about why it happened or what if you did something different, would it have made a difference. If it is the 'Why's?' and 'What if's?' you are seeking in getting closure, then I say you need to go back to the drawing board and rethink what your true motives are.

:eek: :eek: :eek: Did I just write all that!!

[Skell]

I couldn't agree more Geoff. No one should be or deserves to be left in limbo.

And I agree that if someone feels they are being left in limbo then they have a right to know, and in my opinion should meet the person in order for clarification / confirmation or whatever you may call it!

But for someone to think this brings closure, I just struggle to agree.

But I definitely agree with you Geoff in respect to people needing definitive answers.

I suppose I think there is a difference between answers and closure.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I just thought...

I am grateful that my ex at least left me for the most part knowing where I stood. At least it has helped me progress with my healing and although I had my doubts, I would have had more doubts if she had left me dangling there like a rotting carrot :D

She is quite a stubborn woman though so I guess this was her style but I still have respect for it.. :rolleyes:

Perhaps this is just me starting to understand that she does not deserve to be blamed for all of this. My pain is not all her fault..

[Skell]

I don't think that any kind of closure is going to achieve getting any answers about why it happened or what if you did something different, would it have made a difference. If it is the 'Why's?' and 'What if's?' you are seeking in getting closure, then I say you need to go back to the drawing board and rethink what your true motives are.

:eek: :eek: :eek: Did I just write all that!!!

I particularly like this statement and couldn't agree more!

[NJCUTIE77]

Well in my situation, I was left in limbo... ALL MIXED SIGNALS.. "Wait for me", "I hope you can be a part of my new place", "that's not true" (to now ever seeing him again), "I need a month", "I will call you", "hold on to my stuff"... now.. what is one to think with all that said... I think in my case, Closure would be for me to have my belongings back and to give back his and leave the relationship DONE... instead of this nonsense.

[Skell]

I think you may miss the point. You need confirmation that it is over, but will that give you closure?

Won't you be asking yourself more questions as to why, what you could have done etc?

You don't deserve to be treated like that and yes you need an answer, but does that give you closure is what I am asking?

[NJCUTIE77]

Yes.. I think that would give me closure.. I don't ask myself the "what ifs" and "whys" because I pretty much know those already lol... but there is still that time that I have to exchange things and talk again.. so right now it's hard to just move on.. there was no "I don't want you anymore" said to me.. which would make me move on faster and hence give the closure.

[Skell]

Why do you need it to be said to you?

Surely his actions speak louder than his words in this instance?
He doesn't want you anymore. Its quite clear isn't it? Does him saying it make a difference?

So your saying you need to hear it from the horses mouth to get 'closure' as you put it?

Interesting. Im not arguing either, juts discussing it!

[NJCUTIE77]

Yeah but from all those comments, does it sound like he doesn't want me anymore... umm... I would say no to that one.. lol... but who knows... I think it really depends on the person as to what "closure" is for them... everyone has a different meaning for it!

[Skell]

To be frank, yes it does sound like he doesn't want you anymore. If he wanted you, you wouldn't be waiting, you would be with him. Anyway, that's a different thread. Sorry!

[BlazingCold]

If he wanted you, you wouldnt be waiting, you would be with him.

That's how I know it's over. That's why even though my ex told me she was waiting for me to tell her what to do and never told me it was 100% over, I knew she wasn't coming back. Her not picking up that phone tells me she's done. I could call her and probably drag out some stuff I already know about why the relationship ended, but I don't want to go through that again. I have all the closure I need, and I've pretty much moved on.

Granted, not everyone feels or does the same things I do. I guess the people looking for closure are those who have been recently dumped. As they move on, closure loses its significance and ultimately becomes meaningless.

[Skell]

That's it Blaze. I think your right. All the closure you need and all the closure you'll get is knowing its over.
You don't really get any more answers do you?

That is up to oneself to think about and mull over!

That is when the most valuable lessons are learnt I reckon!

[BlazingCold]

You can get more answers. But you reach a point where the answer they might give don't matter anymore. They are gone, you realize that, and you move on. Early on, everyone wants answers, but it's like a stage you eventually grow out of (NC helps a lot here!)

When you think about your relationship after its over, you see what you might have done wrong (as well as what your ex has done wrong!). You learn from that. If anything, my break up has been a wonderful learning experience, not only about myself, but about people and living life.

This is a really great question, Skell!