[lovingkindness]

I have a mother who for ten years has berated me about being overweight. I didn't sleep much last night because I left her house in tears and with a splitting headache which lasted until two in the morning no matter how much tablets I took. She again went on about people who have passed remarks about me being overweight. Of course these people are all nameless! She says they have commented that they can't believe I haven't managed to lose the weight after my marriage ended. I put on six stone while married to my emotionally abusive husband. But haven't lost all this weight. I suffered from depression while married and took SSRI type anti-depressants which completely bloated me up. I don't need to take them anymore and am so much happier with my current partner who doesn't see me as ugly because I am overweight. She makes comments about what I wear when I am out at a dance which she also attended. Most of the people around me at this thing may be thin but are not all that much to look at. I am quite good-looking and of course my mother thinks I would "shine" if I wasn't overweight. She said last night that she wants pictures taken for her wedding anniversary and she wants to see me with a stone lost. It is because she constantly goes on about it that I turn to chocolate as comfort food, never believing I am good enough. I have a degree, four diplomas and a full time job, a house I am paying for, a car. I have never taken drugs, been an alcoholic, smoked or been known to the police. I don't cause trouble to anyone, but it's still not good enough. My partner thinks it it because my mother is very unhappy in herself because she didn't get exactly what she wanted in her life and the one thing in me she hones in on to deflect attention away from herself. She has never once stood up for me and told those old cronies (who probably aren't much to look at anyway) to get a life.

I am just wondering if there is anyone out there that this story strikes a chord and how did they deal with such a mother?

[JudyKayTee]

Have you ever told her what you've told us, pretty much in these same words? She probably thinks she's motivating you and doesn't realize she's hurting you - although I don't know how she would be misunderstanding the result of her "speeches."

As far as standing up for you, you're an adult and presumably can stand up for yourself.

I am a little concerned that you appear somewhat judgmental, referring to people who criticize you as "old cronies - who probably aren't much to look at anyway" and "Most of the people around me at this thing may be thin but are not all that much to look at." Are you comparing yourself to other people, saying that you are more attractive than they are (although heavier)? Why?

At any rate - I have never disrespected my mother but I have told her that I don't want to hear "it" and if every time we see each other it turns into a discussion which upsets one or the other of us, perhaps we shouldn't see each other for a while.

[KBC]

Yourself image is far more important to you.Stay focused on you instead of how you are to please your mother.You have to live in your skin,not her.

My father used to bother me about smoking.I am the only one of four kids who took it up.The more he commented,the more I wanted to smoke.Sound similar?

Yes,if everyone knew the finer details of your mothers personality and past history perhaps we could make assumptions but we only have you to work with,so I suggest we concentrate on your side of the street,your reactions to her judgments.

I am one who totally believes in setting boundaries,it is a learned coping skill.

If you like,read this site: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

See how opening up communications concerning the way YOU act when threatened by someone else's comments about you and your life,then let them know how you feel,tell them it isn't acceptable to you and why then let it go.It is up to them to take that information and do with it what they will.

This is for your health.It is not to make things 'go your way' or manipulate someone else to think/see things your way,just to accept you for you,not for what they think you should be in their eyes.

If your mother is ashamed of your appearance and doesn't want you in her wedding photo's,you needn't be in them,right?:)

[Kitkat22]

I think you are mad at the world, referring to people as "old crones' So you got a divorce, so you're overweight. We all have our crosses to bear. We've all been depressed and had bad times in our life.

Being kind to others and being kind to yourself is as important as losing weight. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start a diet and an exercise program.

You may be the most beautiful person in the world, but your attitude about other people leaves a lot to be desired.

[DoulaLC]

Are you happy being overweight? Could there be a part of you that is just frustrated having it pointed out to you? You mentioned putting on weight during your first marriage and not being able to lose it all. That leads me to believe you have tried to lose weight.

It could be your mother is worried about your health and happiness, even though it may not come out that way. Maybe your husband is correct in that she is unhappy herself.

Decide if you are happy as you are. If you are, then tell her that. Let her know that her comments are hurtful.

If you aren't happy, then still tell her that her comments are hurtful and then work out a plan to make changes for yourself.

[lovingkindness]

You are all correct. Thank you for the advice. And yes everyone has their crosses to bear. I am completely grateful that I am not dealing with a much worse situation. My mother does think in her own way she is helping me, but the constant criticism of everything is sometimes too much. I have decided to just let what she says in one ear and out the other, avoid her as much as possible while I try to lose weight and try to be as happy as I can with the way I am.

[Kitkat22]

You are all correct. Thank you for the advice. And yes everyone has their crosses to bear. I am completely grateful that I am not dealing with a much worse situation. My mother does think in her own way she is helping me, but the constant criticism of everything is sometimes too much. I have decided to just let what she says in one ear and out the other, avoid her as much as possible while I try to lose weight and try to be as happy as I can with the way I am.

You can do it. Be happy, enjoy life and know you have so much to be thankful for. Let us know how you are doing. We've all been there, it's hard sometimes , but what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Bless You:)

[Jake2008]

Is your entire relationship based on how much you weigh?

If she were to demand the details of how often you made love to your boyfriend, would you still react the same way?

If she were highly critical of your personality, and continuously, without missing a beat, put you down in all aspects of your life, would you still go back for more?

You are an adult. If you choose to weigh 500 lbs or 100 lbs, that is one thing you have total control over. That she disagrees with what you weigh and picks on you about it, does not change the fact that you allow the conversations to happen.

That you gained so much weight after your marriage broke down, and have that as a cause of the weight gain, along with a side effect of a prescription medication, then I can see why your mother would be concerned. A sudden profound change in any persons habits that are dealt with by self destructive behaviour (food, cake, etc.), I too would be worried about your health if I were your mother.

In other words, it is not just about the weight gain. It is about how you got to this place, where it is now a problem, where it wasn't a problem before. How you manage stress, personal loss, anxiety, etc. by over eating and gaining a lot of weight, is no less a worry for a mother than had you decided to take up drinking a bottle of vodka a day, day in and day out.

It happens to be that you gained six stone, or 80 lbs, and not because you needed to from what I read.

But, the bottom line is, this is your weight, and it is only up to you if you are happy with yourself in the way you feel and look. It matters not one iota what anybody else thinks. Perhaps it is a convenient excuse to blame mom for continuing to badger you. But she too has no business knowing what your bathroom scale says.

If you ARE happy with the way you are, I doubt that your mothers words would hurt you so much. But, of course you could be happy, and but for the words about your weight from your mother, you'd have a wonderful relationship with her.

So, tell her to stop it, do not comment on your weight, and butt out of your business, and have a backup plan if she brings it up. Leave the room/building, no email, no phone calls, no going back for more until she agrees to not bring up the subject. Let her know that YOU are not going to accept this nagging for another second.