[ifidie]

I've been married for 9 years. Before marriage sex was not abundant, but it was at a steady flow. We have sex now on avrage of once per week. She never initates and has strict limitations about everything. Before we start she states what she is not doing (positions). Sometimes when I wish to have sex and she rejects me I find out that she masturbates instead of having sex with me. Ninety percent of the time she has orgasims. Once she has one the sex is over. Half of the time I don't get the opportunity to have one because she is so fast. The strangest thing about this is most of the time her vigina is so thight it that it is difficult to enter. This is after at least twenty minutes of forplay. When it is like that she usually has one really fast. I have notice that if we watch porn the vigina is loose enough for me to entere comfortbly. She says that the majority of the positions are uncomfortable. I ask if it is painful she quickly says no just uncomfortable. If she has one before me and I'm right at the point behind her she just stops moving. When I address this she swares that she didn't stop moving. The only positions that she say is comfortable is missionary and her one top. I have been turned down so many times that I don't feel comfortable initiating sex anymore. This is killing me. I don't know if I can live like this. She refuse to speak to a therapist or even her Dr. about the situation.

[Stringer]

Sex begins before the bedroom Ifidie. Try treating her very special during the day on a regular basis not just when you desire sex. Touching, smiling, innuendos, hugging, hand holding, helping out around the house etc.

Hopefully as you continue paying attention to her with the small things she will respond in a warm way.

Stringer

[Enigma1999]

Hello,

Did you ever ask her why she masturbates instead of having sex with you?

[slashedxdelight]

Try mutual masturbation to have her open up and spice things up a bit.. after a few times maybe intiate sex. The best thing you can do it talk it over about how you feel and hope for the best.

[ifidie]

She refuses to do the mutal masturbation say it is a personal private thing to masterbate. When I asked Y she masterbates instead of making love she says she won't do that anymore. She won't masterbate but she asks to watch me masterbate?

[Cat1864]

How old are both of you?
Was it like this when you were dating?
When do you try talking to her about your frustrations?
Does she have any religious or cultural beliefs that go into how she views sex?
How often do you attempt to initiate sex? What happens if you don't initiate sex?
Did she have a bad experience in her past that causes a mental block in fully enjoying sex?
Do you have children?
Are you trying to fit sex into an irregular schedule?
What is the rest of your relationship like?

Can you talk about fantasies and what turns you both on?

Communication and compromise seem to be at the base of your problem. I think you need to take some time to have a non-confrontational discussion about the issues in your marriage. Both of you need to be open and honest and listens to what the other person has to say. From there see where compromises and changes can be made to make things more mutually satisfying.

In the mean time, pay attention to how she gets aroused and the affect it has on her body. During foreplay, do you concentrate on any part other than between her legs or her breasts? When watching porn her brain is getting stimulated and her body is following along instead of her body being overstimulated and her shutting down.

[sylvan_1998]

Okay, I feel the need to answer this one from the female perspective of having been where your wife is. And, Let me preface this by saying I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWER, but maybe some insight. I am married to a wonderful man. After dating many and having many long term relationships, I found someone who is right for me, everywhere but in the bed.

Before we were married, I did not notice a problem, he is very attentive and forplay is extremely wonderful. I would always orgasm before intercourse so I never noticed intercourse was quick and not fulfilling.

Something happened when I said I do, I just did not want to anymore and I was almost over sexed before. I have no idea why.

So for the first 4 years I did what she does to you. Then the last 11 I have been trying to reverse the deed. For me, I just had to push through some of the initial angst. My body would tense up and I would have to make up my mind, that is not where I needed to be. I concluded, my partner was too accommodating to my moods and needed to say "shhhhh, it is going to be allright"

Again, this is just my story I offer to you for insight which may or may not work. We did however go for some sex therapy which allowed us to really talk about some things. More so than what we were.

[excon]

She won't masterbate but she asks to watch me masterbate?

Hello I:

Then give her a show she won't forget. Do the whole nine yards. PRETEND that you're going to make love to her, because in a strange way, you ARE. Make sure she does the same so that she understands that you're going to make love to her - even if you ONLY masturbate because that's what SHE asked you to do...

Don't just walk into the room, drop your pants and start whacking... Have a nice candlelight dinner. Dress up. Go SLOW. Build up the sexual tension. Keep the lights down low. Help her to relax. Caress her while you're caressing yourself. Have fun. Let HER have fun. She'll be the one in the spotlight next...

God, I'm making myself horny..

excon

[Allie602]

Hi I
Just something about women initiating it's really difficult for some women to be as direct as men. She may be singling that she wants sex but it may be subtle. Can you accept that she may be initiating but not they way you would. I know it is frustrating, probably seems like you are trying to read her mind. But for the time being try to pick up her subtle signs and act very pleased. She may come around and be more direct if you allow her to do it her way.
She is turning you down does she really know and understand how devastated this makes you feel? Many women do not understand this. What is she like when you tell her about how you feel is she towards you.
What she is doing during sex is simply unexceptable, of course if you tell her how enraged such treatment makes you feel she may shut down. Again you must tell her how you feel not angry but firm it cannot go on.
I'm a women and I can tell you cannot give a women too much leeway to mistreat you. She looses repect for you never let her get away with disrespect by word or action. She may resist at first but be firm and consistent. . You have to strike a balance between sternness and aggressive, you're a man she is a women and you just don't accept this treatment it's ridiculous.
How does that sound? You have to change the way you approach her, back off act like a bad boy a little cold but assured and not willing to take any s@@t like she has been giving out. Don't beg her it's undignified approach her gradually and have the attitude that you will not take no for an answer. Not in a mean or to aggressive way but in a tender but persistent.
If you feel this approach will not work try settling upon days that you will both definitely have sex you don't need to ask if you have made the arrangement. She can initiate in her way any other day. Again be firm don't let her go back on her word don't ask so she does not have a chance to make an excuse.
Now you have to work on getting ger out of her selfishness. Again you must act like a confident no nonsense man. In this you are in a very strong position you simply will not take this. You take the lead and direct the action let her know what you are doing and why beforehand. The person who orgasms easily and losses interest should go last meaning she goes after you are satisfied.
Don't get angry just be firm and assured. It may not work at first because she may think you are not serious but no matter what don't drop the strong act soon it will become you.
What you are doing now is not working don't let her run you it actually makes a women anxious when a man let's them get away with behaving badly. It you act strong she will be relieved that her man is taking over. Now this will only work if you are not mistreating her, no criticism anger (although you have a right to be but counterproductive) Does this sound like something you can do?

[QLP]

Allie, you spent the best part of another thread telling us how men use women to safisfy their own needs:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ml#post2464115

Now you are basically advsing the OP to treat her mean to keep her keen, and you say, 'have the attitude that you will not take no for an answer' and 'don't let her go back on her word don't ask so she does not have a chance to make an excuse. ' You do realise that the word for refusing to let another person say no to sex is rape? Goodness me, I find your advice confusing if not downright alarming.

To the OP. Firstly, as Stringer suggested, do you try and make your lady feel special outside of the bedroom? Things from taking out the trash without being asked to a little hug or a kiss throughout the day can work wonders for keeping a woman's sex drive ticking over. If your'e not sure if she feels she is getting what she needs outside the bedroom it might be worth asking, if the focus is away from sex maybe she will feel more able to answer.

Secondly, have you tried telling her just how you feel without accusations or anger? Remember to use sentences that start with, 'I feel... ' rather than ' you do/ don't do... '

Thirdly if she refused counselling maybe you could consider going yourself to talk this through in detail with someone. Just maybe if she sees you doing this she will feel safe enough to join you after a while. If that fails at least you will know you have tried all you can before ending the marriage.

[Allie602]

Your message to me in this mans post is inappropriate. Take issue with what I posted on another thread with me. It is confusing to the OP because has nothing to do with his question. If you feel my advice to the OP is off base then say so and give your reasons that will give him food for thought and is far less confusing.
OP I am not advising you to be mean to your wife just firm, there is a difference. If you are sure that you aware of her her needs and you are making a good faith effort to meet them then I think you need to put your foot down if you are not being treated poorly. She may have a ligitimate beef with you, only you know that but if she does then she has to tell you. I would say the same thing to a women if she were being treated like your wife is treating you.
It is not mean to be firm and set limits in the relationship. I mentioned that I feel safer with a man who is caring but firm and will not alow me to walk over him. For me and from my observations, the dynamic that is set up in a relationship where the man does not set firm limits brings misery for both. Both people need to set limits and keep their encounters respectful.
I think if you come off with more conviction and self assurance and control emotional reactivity to her behavior you may see a change in her.
You must do what is consistent with your feelings and reality. I think you will find an approach that suits you situation from among the different suggestion on the thread. Every one is offering you a different frame to look at what is going on, a framework that you may not have seen. So pick and please don't mistake what I said as an invitation to be mean to her, no one deserves that in a loving relationship. Both you and you wife should expect basic mutual sexual satisfaction especially since she seems to get satisfaction and you don't. It's gender neutral neither person should be short changed, it causes anger and resentment.

[QLP]

You advised the OP to refuse to take no for an answer regarding sex from his wife. That needed addressing. It is fair to make the OP aware of other advice given to enable him to judge the quality of advice from a poster, particlularly when that advice is dangerous. Please remember we have no control over who reads this forum, their age, intelligence and personality are not known to us. With that in mind:

It is never all right for anyone male or female to not listen when another person says no to sex.

[Alty]

Allie602 disagrees : If you primary purpose was to warn this man of dangeruos advice then you should have stated so explicity in you answer. Further if you are concerned that I am giving dangerous advice then get me bared from posting. I will defer to your superior judge

Allie, please read the rules of the site. Disagrees are for factually incorrect info only. QLP's post was opinion based, therefore it did not warrant a disagree.

[Enigma1999]

Hi i
Just something about women initiating it's really difficult for some women to be as direct as men. She may be singling that she wants sex but it may be subtle. Can you accept that she may be initiating but not they way you would. I know it is frustrating, probably seems like you are trying to read her mind. But for the time being try to pick up her subtle signs and act very pleased. She may come around and be more direct if you allow her to do it her way.
She is turning you down does she really know and understand how devestated this makes you feel? Many women do not understand this. What is she like when you tell her about how you feel is she towards you.
What she is doing during sex is simply unexceptable, of course if you tell her how enraged such treatment makes you feel she may shut down. Again you must tell her how you feel not angry but firm it cannot go on.
I'm a women and I can tell you cannot give a women too much leeway to mistreat you. She looses repect for you never let her get away with disrespect by word or action. She may resist at first but be firm and consistent. .You have to strike a balance between sternness and aggressive, your a man she is a women and you just don't accept this treatment it's ridiculous.
How does that sound? You have to change the way you approach her, back off act like a bad boy a little cold but assured and not willing to take any s@@t like she has been giving out. Don't beg her it's undignified approach her gradually and have the attitude that you will not take no for an answer. Not in a mean or to aggressive way but in a tender but persistent.
If you feel this approach will not work try settling upon days that you will both definitely have sex you don't need to ask if you have made the arrangement. She can initiate in her way any other day. Again be firm don't let her go back on her word don't ask so she does not have a chance to make an excuse.
Now you have to work on getting ger out of her selfishness. Again you must act like a confident no nonsense man. In this you are in a very strong position you simply will not take this. You take the lead and direct the action let her know what you are doing and why beforehand. The person who orgasms easily and losses interest should go last meaning she goes after you are satisfied.
Don't get angry just be firm and assured. It may not work at first because she may think you are not serious but no matter what don't drop the strong act soon it will become you.
What you are doing now is not working don't let her run you it actually makes a women anxious when a man let's them get away with behaving badly. It you act strong she will be relieved that her man is taking over. Now this will only work if you are not mistreating her, no criticism anger (although you have a right to be but counterproductive) Does this sound like something you can do?

Allie,

This is a human being you are talking about... Not a dog! Even then I wouldn't treat my dog so badly!

It's obvious that she is going through something, but to demand from her ISN"T going to make matters better! It will only make them worse.

You say to "Act like a confident and nonsense man" You are basically telling him to act cold and calus to her needs and feelings.

Sorry honey, I agree with every one else's advice, except for yours.

With all do respect!

[positiveparent]

Its never a good idea for anyone in a relationship to demand something from the other, its always best to be caring considerate and thoughtful, and also to make demands in the sex dept is going to do one thing and one thing only, turn the other person off completely and a build up of resentment will obviously follow, hence how to wreck your marriage in a hurry.

So allie 602 you are way off base with your suggestions.

Ive been a tantrik for years (Tantra Sacred Sex) and the one thing Ive learned is you first start love making in the mind, by being suggestive and following it up, with love notes, horny texts, telling your partner or s/o subtley what you would like to do to them or have them do to you, this then plants the seed of arousal, to get the person on the edge but not tipping over, by keeping them guessing wondering thinking, and that then leads to the rest, but making demands asserting yourself, in the bedroom NO WAY NEVER, its not a challenge its an act of love.

OP someone suggested you go to counselling on your own, I agree with that its always a good place to start, your partner may decide to join you out of curiosity if nothing else. I think perhaps your partner has a view that sex is dirty, i.e. her masturbating, and not wanting to do so with you mutually, in this case she needs to retrain her thoughts, and be coaxed into accepting that sex is not dirty or anything of the kind, you may not be able to achieve this but a sex therapist or counsellor could.

I hope this helps . Good Luck.

[Enigma1999]

Its never a good idea for anyone in a relationship to demand something from the other, its always best to be caring considerate and thoughtful, and also to make demands in the sex dept is going to do one thing and one thing only, turn the other person off completely and a build up of resentment will obviously follow, hence how to wreck your marriage in a hurry.

So allie 602 you are way off base with your suggestions.

Ive been a tantrik for years and the one thing Ive learned is you first start love making in the mind, by being suggestive and following it up, with love notes, horny texts, telling your partner or s/o subtley what you would like to do to them or have them do to you, this then plants the seed of arousal, to get the person on the edge but not tipping over, by keeping them guessing wondering thinking, and that then leads to the rest, but making demands asserting yourself, in the bedroom NO WAY NEVER, its not a challenge its an act of love.

OP someone suggested you go to counselling on your own, I agree with that its always a good place to start, your partner may decide to join you out of curiosity if nothing else. I think perhaps your partner has a view that sex is dirty, i.e. her masturbating, and not wanting to do so with you mutually, in this case she needs to retrain her thoughts, and be coaxed into accepting that sex is not dirty or anything of the kind, you may not be able to achieve this but a sex therapist or counsellor could.

I hope this helps . Good Luck.

I would give you a green, but have to spread the love. I agree 100% with you.

[kryostar]

Allie you may be a bit over the top, if someone took verbatim they would probably end up divorced or in jail. That being said, advise must be delivered in different degrees to different personalities. ifidie may need that extra kick,I can relate to the original post and I can relate to some of your advise,especially the "give her to much leeway,and she will lose respect for you" part.

[ifidie]

Well I guess we kind of deviated from the original question. I have to say that It may be more along the lines of what Allie was saying. I'm a non-violent person by nature. I have always been taught to treat women with respect. I spoil my wife. I treat her like a queen. On average she gets full body massages weekly. She seems to enjoy oral sex so I give that least twice per week. Foreplay is no shorter than 20 min. I don't ask her for repayment because I don't think it is something that should be asked. What really bothers me is that she will say something like you have been so good to me that I'm going to make love to you on tomorrow. Each time she says this when tomorrow comes it doesn't happen. I can bet my life on how often this happens. I ask her to refrain from making statements like that. I honesltly believes that if a person makes a promise to you saying that tomorrow I sware I'm going to do this and when tomorrow comes they say oh I'm tired more than ten times consecutively that means the peorson has lost respect for you. No person would do this to someoen they respect. Every single time she says that it does not happen. We travel a lot, and she never wants to have sex on vacations. It has been a long life dream of mine to make love on every continent. We visited England for 7 days and each night there was a different reason why sex was not possible. The same thing happened when we visited Cancun. No sex she was too tired. I asked her if she was attracted to me sexually and she answered yes. But I'm really wondering if she is. I used to be an athlete, but recently retired. I remained faithful my entire career. I wish to remain faithful now but I'm growing weary of masturbating. Two weeks ago she promissed me that she would take care of me before I go back to work. This is after a five day vacation in Dubia in which no sex occurred (only oral sex for her). Afther she said this I thought for a moment she would hold her word. Went back to work then nothing. She didn't even mention it. Then my job sent me to Las Vegas for three days. I tried to initiate from the moment she opened her eyes she was treated roayally. Breakfast in bead, a bath with rose petals and a body massage. I went to work for about five hours thinking I had laid out a plan then the moment I kissed and caressed her she said I diont feel like making love. I reminded her about her promise two weeks ago and she said I don't really member tell you that. I didn't argue. She had then said OK as soon as we get home I will take care of you. I said never mind I don't accept your word any more. She responded all right keep on and you will never get any of this again. I just held my peace then went to sleep. The next morning she said if you want to make love give me oral sex. At this point I didn't feel like making love. I actually resented her I felt sick to my stomach. I now believe she has lost respect for me because I tried to be the most kind gentel man I could be.

[Catsmine]

I am going to advise you differently than several others here. You say you treat her like a queen. Stop. You say you give her oral sex twice a week. Again, stop. You say she makes promises then fails to live up to them. Call her on them when she makes the promise by simply saying "No, you won't."

This is going to lead to a huge fight. Brace yourself for it. You will have to insist on being treated equally.

After tempers cool down, you can have that discussion the other folks here have advised. You cannot have it now, you're too emotionally tied up.

Marriage must be a partnership, not a sailing ship with her as the Captain.

[Allie602]

I don't think it would be unkind or bad for you to withdraw some of what you give. We humans don't always appreciate what we have if we get a contant supply. Your kind gesturers may be like background noise to your wife. If you stopped maybe she would notice and appreciate you.

Give her room to feel the difference and you take that caring energy and lavish it on yourself for a change. I know you will not do it out of spite or tit-for-tat but you have to completely change your approach for your good and that of your wife.

It would not hurt to take a break, in fact tell her that you intend to contemplate where you stand in the relationship for a few weeks and at the end of the 2 week period sit and talk. During the two weeks, do more to care for yourself think of what would make you happy with your wife, how you would like the relationship to be. Walk every day or go to the gym to clear your head. Write things down and be prepared for the discussion. Work out the what ifs, I think you have a reasonable chance of success ifedie, but it's up to you. It can't get any worse can it? I find your name a little worrisome, what does it mean?