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tucsondoc · Jul 28, 2010, 09:53 AM

My wife said she doesn't love me anymore because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore. Her years of pent-up resentment finally came out after I called her a for complaining so much. Arguments and shortcomings that I had long forgotten have now been thrown in my face. She won't let me touch her anymore and wants me to go away. She refuses to go to counselling and now spends her days watching baseball. Her mom died 6 years ago and she didn't go to conselling then either. I've started going to a therpaist on my own. I want to make the marriage work and move forward, but she does not seem willing to even try.

redrumx3 · Jul 28, 2010, 09:57 AM

If she is not willing to try, and you have shown every attempt to fix things, then you cannot live your life in someone else's depression. You can help her, but I wouldn't stay with her at least for now.

Cat1864 · Jul 28, 2010, 10:20 AM

From her standpoint, why should she try to make the marriage work now? How many times in the past did she attempt to make it work or say something about it not working only to be called a name that the censor program took out of your post for 'complaining' so much?

When did you start therapy? Are you willing to give her a chance to see that you are willing to change? If she has years of resentment/frustration/anger built up, it may take a long time before she is willing to trust that things can get better.

tucsondoc · Jul 28, 2010, 12:07 PM

I had never used that word before and have apologized profusely since then. I guess I had my own pent-up resentment as I have tried to make a very comfortable life for her, and yet, she says she has been for unhappy years.

I started therapy recently and understand that healing will take time. I was advised to stopping giving reasons for staying together and letting go of the past as she is not listening to reason. I tend to give preference to logic over emotions, which is making this situation that much more difficult.

redhed35 · Jul 28, 2010, 12:26 PM

Most women work on their emotions,if your working from logic there's no communication,your not hearing each other.

Try and work through YOUR feelings.

Write her a letter,pour your heart and soul into it,do not use logic,use heart.

Give it to her,and give her time to process it.

Try and see her point of view without imposing your thoughts into the letter.

Don't say what you think she should do,that's logic.

You may need to stop and start a few times before you get it just right.

Have a heart to heart not a head to heart.

tucsondoc · Jul 28, 2010, 01:09 PM

I now realize I cannot control her, I can only control myself. A friend of mine, who divorced but later got back together with his ex-wife, advised me to let my wife do what she will and to take care of myself. I suppose a letter written as an expression of my feelings, rather than my thoughts, would be helpful for me, and hopefully insightful for my wife.

talaniman · Jul 30, 2010, 06:49 AM

I don't know the time line that all this has happened, but I would back away a bit, and just rebuild the communications more. From what I gather, she is upset at a lot of things you do/did, and it came to a head when you called her a name.

If you look at your part of it, and can see that maybe you could have done things differently, then maybe you see a better pathway to talk, and listen. No telling what is at the root of her frustration.

If not, a time to let the emotional dust settle would be what I would do, and then right the letter, once you get your head right.

tucsondoc · Jul 30, 2010, 08:31 AM

Part of the reason I want to move forward now is that she is becoming more emotionally distant, not letting me even hug her or give her goodbye kiss. It is hurting me more every day. Fortunately, we are still talking. I try not to get defensive about shortcomings she brings up from years ago. The big one was not being with her when her mom died 6 years ago, since I could not take extended time off work to go out of state to be with her. I was there for the funeral.

talaniman · Jul 30, 2010, 09:09 AM

Stop trying to hug, and kiss her, and talk more. My point is when looking for solutions, be very careful of trying to push for your own motives. I know its frustrating not being able to hug or kiss without being met with rejection, but being a listener may be the better course of action.

Plus what you may be missing is not acknowledging her mothers death, even after 6 years, as the anniversary date rolls around. Could that have a bearing on this? You may not understand her feelings, because you see them through your own feelings, and that may stop empathy, or understanding.

That's been my experience, as sometimes we are to hurt, or distracted by other things, and neglect to pay attention to what out partner is actually saying to us, or what we should do about it. We hear the words, but miss the meaning, or assume and presume the solution, but miss by a mile.

Sometimes it's a mistake to move things of such a delicate nature as the interaction between husband, and wife at JUST your pace, out of YOUR hurt, and YOUR frustration.

You may be wrongly assuming her true frustration, and giving in to YOUR own.

tucsondoc · Jul 30, 2010, 09:16 AM

I was not that close to my wife's mother, so I could not mourn her death the way my wife did. I worry that she has unresolved issues with her, and maybe that is why she does not want to go to counseling. We do talk, and she crys a lot when we discuss the past hurts. She has internalized so much, and I tell her the only way to heal is to let it go. I don't understand why she can't/won't.

talaniman · Jul 30, 2010, 09:31 AM

Stop telling her to just let go. Let her do it her way, and in her own time, NOT yours, since you obviously cannot feel her pain, because you have none.

Your job is to just be there while she goes through it without advice, as well intentioned as it may be.

Dismissing some ones suffering because you are NOT, is disgusting, and a blow to a bond that requires UNCONDITIONAL support.

tucsondoc · Jul 30, 2010, 10:37 AM

I guess I'll just let her work on her issues at her pace and take care of myself. She doesn't know what she wants to do, but I understand she has to come up with her own solution. We are still amicable and the kids are cared for. I would rather wait it out than give up.

talaniman · Jul 30, 2010, 11:25 AM

As a guy who knows, that's a great idea. There is no shame in having patience with a partner who needs some time to figure things out.

tucsondoc · Aug 2, 2010, 06:30 AM

It's so frustrating seeing her just pout and brood over injuries from years ago. She still cries when we talk about them. It's such a waste of time. We could be moving our relationship forward; instead, we are stuck in the past. At least she has noticed some changes in me (more empathetic), but she thinks they aren't sincere or sustainable.

Cat1864 · Aug 2, 2010, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by tucsondoc

It's so frustrating seeing her just pout and brood over injuries from years ago. She still cries when we talk about them. It's such a waste of time. We could be moving our relationship forward; instead, we are stuck in the past. At least she has noticed some changes in me (more empathetic), but she thinks they aren't sincere or sustainable.

As long as you have the attitude that dealing with the past is a waste of time, she may be correct that the changes aren't sincere or sustainable.

Tears are a sign of very deep emotions in this case hurt and frustration. Her feelings are something she has to work through and deal with just as you have to learn to be more empathetic to her feelings. It is hard work that takes time.

If you want a strong relationship, you are going to have to mend the foundation. Just putting a patch over the cracks isn't going to hold up for long. What she may see is you putting a band-aid on a crack and calling it 'fixed'. Filling in the crack properly and finishing it off the correct way will stand up to a lot more strain than covering the foundation with a carpet can.

If she won't go to marriage counseling, perhaps she would consider seeing someone on her own. Someone she feels she can talk to and get her frustrations out. Perhaps learning new ways to deal with her emotions and memories.

talaniman · Aug 2, 2010, 06:51 AM

Once you realize its about her, and what she needs emotionally, and not about you, and what you want, then maybe you can wrap your head around how your unsympathetic, non support, stops the relationship from moving forward in a positive way.

Once you get that, then you will focus on her needs emotionally, so you CAN move forward.

The time you give NOW, is focusing on the health of the relationship. She is not the robot you are. And she is hurting. We are not talking about your ideas of solutions here at all, so keep your mouth shut, and an arm around her, as she vents the poison from her system. Holding her, will go farther than schooling her. Ears open, mouth closed for you.

Strong silent support is what she needs, and you being there for her emotional needs.

tucsondoc · Aug 2, 2010, 12:28 PM

Perhaps she wouldn't cry so much if she initiated our long talks, but she doesn't. If I didn't start the conversations then I wouldn't know about all these past issues. She would still be quiet and resentful. It seems I have to bring up these painful issues, much like having to bring up finances with her (an area where she insists I treat her like s**t).

Cat1864 · Aug 2, 2010, 02:36 PM

You're all over the place. One post you seem to understand that she has to deal with things at her own pace while in another you say that you have to initiate the long conversations because she isn't. Opposite ends of the spectrum. You need to find the middle where you are OPEN to her talking and sharing how she feels and has felt.

How is counseling going?

I will let you know this: I have been with my husband for over 25 years. There are things that happened before we met that I am just now understanding how I feel about them and how to deal with those feelings. Those things trigger extremely strong emotions that can cause me to cry at the drop of a hat. Add into it daily stress and the changes that growing older bring and I can be an emotional wreck at times. He isn't nearly as emotional as I am. However, he holds me and lets me cry for as long as I need to. He doesn't make me feel like I am bothering him or making him wish he were anywhere other than holding me in his arms. He helps me feel safe and not vulnerable.

Kitkat22 · Aug 2, 2010, 02:42 PM

I have noticed a lot of I's and Me's in your post. You're upset because she doesn't pay attention to you. Maybe she's tired.

tucsondoc · Aug 2, 2010, 03:36 PM

She says she wants to run away and that she was at such peace when the kids and I were on vacation. That is not a long-term solution while the kids are still kids. She says she wants to end the marriage. Since I am Catholic, so I won't give up that easily. She used to go to Mass but has stopped. So, there is probably a spiritual component to all of this, which she will have to resolve in her own unique way.