[Kitkat22]

She says she wants to run away and that she was at such peace when the kids and I were on vacation. That is not a long-term solution while the kids are still kids. She says she wants to end the marriage. Since I am Catholic, so I won't give up that easily. She used to go to Mass but has stopped. So, there is probably a spiritual component to all of this, which she will have to resolve in her own unique way.

You may not have a choice if she wants a divorce. She's unhappy. You say you won't give up that easily? You say there may be a spiritual component? I think she lost her her mother, she's never fully accepted and a husband in her face constantly questioning and critiquing her actions, she hasn't had time to grieve.

She needs to be away from you awhile, to get her thoughts together and find out if there is anything to save. Losing a parent takes a person a long time to heal.

[talaniman]

Maybe you need to take the kids more often, so she can find her own peace, even only for a few hours every week. That worked for me back in the day. We all need a break sometimes, especially when we get overwhelmed by events in our life. Have some empathy, dude!

[tucsondoc]

I've taken the kids the movies/zoo/arcade/science centers/skiing for years to give my wife a break. I also did not pick up golf or other time consuming hobbies to be at home to help out. I've done plenty of laundry and taken the kids out to eat when she did not feel well. I feel that all that was a waste, that my efforts weren't appreciated (yes, I know how ironic this sounds).

Counseling is helping me to express my feelings. So, instead of saying "you should" I say "I would like if" and "what do you think". My therapist said that logic won't work with my wife right now. Trouble is, if I express feeling, all that comes out is pain. I told my wife that all the times I've hurt her was because I was hurt and scared, scared of losing her to one of her new "friends" I did ask her if she loved one of them (I had gone to Mass right before and was very peaceful during the discussion). She said no, but she has no idea what an emotional affair is. She says she just likes spending time with these guys. She lights up so when she talks about them. She doesn't smile with me.

[Kitkat22]

I think she just wants out. No amount of talking or begging is going to change her mind.

Does she take any kind of medication for depression?

[tucsondoc]

She absolutely refuses to take any meds and she refuses to seek counseling. I suspect she is afraid of being told that she is wrong, or that something is wrong with her. Right now she is watching a baseball game. I don't think she is thinking about her future, just trying to forget her problems.

[Kitkat22]

She absolutely refuses to take any meds and she refuses to seek counseling. I suspect she is afraid of being told that she is wrong, or that something is wrong with her. Right now she is watching a baseball game. I don't think she is thinking about her future, just trying to forget her problems.

Try to get her to see a doctor.

[Cat1864]

I told my wife that all the times I've hurt her was because I was hurt and scared, scared of losing her to one of her new "friends" I did ask her if she loved one of them (I had gone to Mass right before and was very peaceful during the discussion). She said no, but she has no idea what an emotional affair is. She says she just likes spending time with these guys. She lights up so when she talks about them. She doesn't smile with me.

Unless I missed something this is the first time you mention 'new friends'. Are you now accusing her of being unfaithful?

Does she have any interests outside of the house and child-related (school and such)? Do you?

How old are your children and how many of them are there?

[Kitkat22]

Unless I missed something this is the first time you mention 'new friends'. Are you now accusing her of being unfaithful?

Does she have any interests outside of the house and child-related (school and such)? Do you?

How old are your children and how many of them are there?

I thought you were referring to female friends. Does she go out with these friends.

[tucsondoc]

She has new male friends at these baseball games she went to while the kids were in school. She talks about their insight about the game and lights up. I may have over-reacted, but it would make sense that she doesn't want me touching her if she has feelings for one of these guys.

My son is 13 and my daughter is 11. She feels that mom has been ignoring her this summer. My son likes to go to games with her, so it's good he can keep an eye on her.

Most of her friends are moms at the kids schools. Her good friend for the past 25 years has been very helpful to me, helping me understand some of my wife's issues.

[Kitkat22]

She has new male friends at these baseball games she went to while the kids were in school. She talks about their insight about the game and lights up. I may have over-reacted, but it would make sense that she doesn't want me touching her if she has feelings for one of these guys.

My son is 13 and my daughter is 11. She feels that mom has been ignoring her this summer. My son likes to go to games with her, so it's good he can keep an eye on her.

Most of her friends are moms at the kids schools. Her good friend for the past 25 years has been very helpful to me, helping me understand some of my wife's issues.

So you can be friends with her pals, but you feel there is something wrong with her talking to male friends?

[Cat1864]

First the daughter, does your wife know how the daughter feels? Has the daughter been available to spend time with her mother? It is not to say the daughter doesn't have valid feelings. Only that sometimes things aren't exactly as they appear.

Your son should not be 'keeping an eye' on his mother or feel the need to. He is not her parent or her spouse or your spy. He is a child who should feel like he is sharing something with his mother that they both enjoy.

Is she lighting up because of the people or because she can share her interests with them? Does she light up just talking about baseball? Can you talk about baseball with her with the same level of enjoyment?

Is baseball her only interest outside the house (not counting school related)? Do you have any interests outside the house and work?

Do you have any interests in common?

[tucsondoc]

Baseball has become more of an obsession for my wife over the past few years, starting shortly after her mom's death. I shared her interest until this season, when she started going to games with her "friends". I don't engage in activities with her female friends if she is not with us. She has helped around the kids' schools but has not said if she would this year. In fact, she told me and the kids that she did not plan to decorate the house for Christmas this year. She seems to have transferred her affection from me to her new "friends". Her sister and her good friend met one of them, and they thought she paid a little too much attention to him. I guess I didn't want to consider the option, but everything would make sense if she is having an emotional affair.

I never picked up any time consuming hobbies so that I could spend more time with my family. I do have a telescope and I have a library of courses from the Teaching Company in the fields of history, philosophy and religion.

Perhaps my daughter feels ignored because of my wife's baseball focus, whereas my son enjoys it.

[talaniman]

Thanks for the added details, they help paint a picture of glitches in the marriage, that I think we all go through, and it takes a while to deal with. Nothing is ever accomplished overnight, or in one conversation, as most adjustments take time.

Kids growing up changes circumstances, and situations, and sometimes parents don't agree as what to do in some circumstances, so I am unsure if the info from your in-laws, or her friends have anything to do with your thinking, whether insecurity is involved, or frustration over not being able to readily fix things has influenced feelings, and thinking.

No matter the obstacles, keep working toward the common goal of a happy home, and don't let isolated incidences totally cloud your judgment, or impulsive thoughts dictate your actions, as the journey through life with a partner is seldom a smooth one.

After 35 years with my wife, its hardly been a cakewalk, but as long as you don't get carried away, and can communicate, sooner or later, you will overcome any obstacle, and solve your problems over time.

Patience and empathy, would serve you well.

[tucsondoc]

Maybe I'm feeling too much and not thinking enough. Maybe she's really is just friends with these guys. But when I asked her if she loved one of them, why didn't she say "of course not, I love you, how could you think that?" Yes, I'm very insecure about our relationship right now. I like to plan things well in advanced, but I did tell my wife that I hadn't plan for any of what's going on now.

My therapist advised not talking about the relationship with my wife for now, especially since she continue to cry about past events. I guess we're housemates for the time being.

[talaniman]

Yeah I have done the house mates thing a few times, separate vacations, gone fishing, and a few other things to let the dust settle, and clear the mind. Not a bad idea as sometimes doing nothing but what you should do for yourself is a good idea, and the best course of actions.

Just be a friendly happy house mate.

[tucsondoc]

Today the issue of money came up. This has been constantly below the surface but flares up when the credit card statement comes. I suspect some of the times I have treated her "like s**t" was when the new charges were more than 1/3 of my take home pay. I gently asked for suggestions from her, but she just feels we should spend the money if we have it. I told her we need somebody to help us come up with a solution (can this be done in marriage counseling) but, again, she is not interested in talking to anybody about our problems.

[talaniman]

Don't gently ask for solutions, gently present a way to live within your means, by doing your own homework in researching what you need. No reason for you to be following her lead down the path to dept and ruin. The same goes for any other problem you have, don't wait for her to have a solution. Be willing to find them on your own. Its called a budget, and learning how to manage the money you do have. A simple enough idea, have more coming in, than going out.

Wow, this started with you not being empathetic, and we have grown to many other areas of this marriage. She seems very emotional, with strong feelings, and you a lot less, but at the core of this whole mess is the inability to work together through honest communications. Maybe its time to stop the arguments, and work on a solid plan of action you both can deal with.

Next time she says "we have the money" say "SHOW ME!" My friend you have a lot to work on, and patience to sort it out, and find out where to start, is what's important, and talking and LISTENING is the first step.

[Allie602]

I read the post and I really feel uneasy about the friends. She us sharing a recreational interest with (is it one man in particular) a man. You said you liked baseball until recently, do you two have any recreational interest in common at this point? If not, I would find something new to do together, even if it's a walk in the fresh air in the evening. You can talk and walk.
You said you are still talking, try to use every opportunity to do things with her just the two of you. You don't have to talk about the relationship but just talk and be with each other. I would rekindle an interest in baseball and go with her. If she is bonding with the guy you have to stop it.
The charge cards. I think for the sake of the mortgage you should take the charge cards away since is being irresponsable. Does she work? Could she get a part time job to pay down the debt? I think you have to get a hold of this spending stuff - I shop and spend when I am depressed she may be spending money for emotional reason. Kick that crutch away - if she does not have the charge card to salve her depression may she will solve her depression in more appropriate ways.

[tucsondoc]

She really doesn't want to spend time alone with me. I've asked her to go out on dates, but she's refused. She also feels we can afford what she spend since we are still putting away money for the kids college and retirement (although I don't think it's enough). The mortgage was recently paid off by the sale of a business asset. I would like to save this additional money, but she wants to remodel the kitchen and fix the house. Honestly, I don't want to put too much money into the house if we are going to sell it in the next year or two. She could not afford to stay here if we divorced, even if she gets half of my salary in alimony, as the household bills would compromise maintaining her lifestyle.

[tucsondoc]

So we are going at her pace. Any time we talk about the relationship is because she brings it up. I don't kiss her goodbye when I go to work or goodnight when we retire to our now respective bedrooms. I'm worried she will get used to this dysfunctional arrangement and not want to make any changes. All the bills are paid and I help with the kids when I can. Why should she want to change anything? The last time we talked about our relationship she blamed me for her not sleeping well.