[fortysumthing]

New here and thanks for 'listening'. Hubby and I 11 years difference. I'm 40, he's 51. We have 1 child age 6. Dated 6 years, he previously married and 1 child. Broke it off after 4 1/2 years said I deserved someone to marry me, give me family he did not want any of that. Well, year later we were engaged. I told him marriage was just piece of paper, we did not have to change. My meaning was we grow together, remain best friends. That now haunts me as he and his friends throw it in my face now. Married 13 yrs now. Together in total 20. After 4 yrs, got pregnant, lost child still born at 40 weeks. Year later he still did not want child. I felt alone, felt deserved child, so... careless in birthcontrol. Pregnant, had child. Seemed fine, she's apple of his eye, daddies girl. Says wouldn't change a thing. Bought new home. Year ago I joing Facebook. He hates it. Only friendship connections. Actual miss old friends from school. Never kept in touch. All friends now are through husbands connections.. all older. I feel lost. I love him tremendously. Not sure if midlife crises but lost sex drive, not happy with self. Very low self esteem. Going to counseling but seem to not help for husbands sake. He wants physical. Says I don't put him on pedestal anymore like before. Says he gave up things for me. Fact he didn't want to get married, did. Didn't want children, did. Gave up his home(he grew up in) for new one. I feel horrible. Like he has given up things for me and now I cannot satisfy him. Not sure if age is now issue over time. I miss connections with people. Miss doing girly things. I love him, hate he is hurting. I just have no desire for sex. Im very emtionally connected person. Sometimes feel he'd be better off with someone who does worship him. He hates I feel so comfortable that I've said he would never stray. He said he's done too much for me. Went out one time he was talking a lady. I didn't react. He asked why? I said I knew he wouldn't do anything. I know who he loves, who he comes home too. He wants me to be jealous, to watch his every move. To worship him, never wanting to be apart from him. I was, and we were like that for longest time. Just last 2 or 3 years it's dwindled away for me. Not sure if because I've grown with daughter, finding other things responsibilities for her, shifting my 'worshiping to her? I'm clueless. Since I don't want to be like that with him, does that mean our marriage is lost? Over? Some days I'm very sexually attracted. Others, more than not. Lately I feel better off to only have myself and daughter to worry about. Tired of all the guilt. I don't want guilt of ruining his life, which is a very strong feeling for me right now. Any one else go through this? Thanks for time here.

[lifeisgoodtoo]

You have to decide: do I stay or do I go, make a list of pros and cons. I would say, since you still care (otherwise you wouldn't have asked for our help) and still feel attracted to him off and on, stay. See a good marriage therapist and open communication and set new boundaries. Marriage is like a business contract, every 10 years re-negociate. Work on more efficient communication. PS: Go out together and hang out with other people-you with the girls and he with the guys, same place, different areas of the bar/restaurant.

[nadia.baseer.durrani]

Where did so much guilt come from?? Marriage is give and take right? So if he gave you soooo much, in return, you also gave him so much! You gave him a dughter, a home to come, your love and loyalty. You Don't have to feel guilty about anything. And he shouldn't make you feel guilty either. What he gave up for you is nothing TOO special. Trust me. So kick the guilt out first and then focus on other things in you marriage.
And you also mentioned that he and his "friends" throws what you said before at your face! Now what in the world are the friends doing in all this!
If you are already going to counseling, good. Is he going with you? Because he seems to need counceling more than you do.
Throw the guilt out first and get your thinking straight. You are not doing and never did anything wrong to deserve this. This is mental abuse.

[talaniman]

Let him go through his mid life thing alone, and don't make his problem yours. You will get plenty of payback, when he has to put up with you going through yours.

[fortysumthing]

Thank you for thoughts. Counseling didn't work. He quit, so I quit. He feels he's changed plenty it's up to me know. Wants me to get test done things my issues may be all hormonal, emotional etc. something drugs will fix. If that's fixed then maybe marriage fixes too. Told him felt age difference issue now. All he does is work, I feel I have no identity. Realize after all these years no true friendships. Miss all that. Miss people my age and that makes me feel so very guilty and like a terrible person. I told him I feel horrible saying these things hurting him. He said if I made a mistake it is what it is. It's reality and we need to figure something out. I don't view him and us as a mistake. He says that's what it is. We had a good run some great times but if it's not happily ever after it's a mistake. Then tells me his regret if we don't make it is our daughter. He's very thankful I brought her in our life, but if we don't make it, since he's 50 he will pack up start over somewhere else. Can't stay around us at his age with economy. That will kill him and if I move on to someone younger, I will never be loved like he loves me. More guilt! The guilt is eating me alive and I feel I'm headed for emotional breakdown. But cannot. I know what it's like with no dad at age 40, so how do I deal with that for my daughter who's 7! She will hate me. They are so very close and I will be the cause and reason of him leaving her. I told him maybe we could be like some couples who are best of friends after the fact. He said no. Once it's over it's over. I'm so torn. I feel I'm at a cross road of do I stay suck it up put me being unhappy aside for two lives now (him ahnd daughter) or become selfish? Does any of this make sense? How can 20 yrs together be a mistake? If I didn't love him I could have walked six years ago, 5, 2, what ever. I hate he has no family close. I hate he 'gave up his house' for our house now. I hate he may lose his job.. he may be 'homeless' blah blah blah. Why do I carry the burden of guilt on the outcome. I'm told it's my decision. I need to decide to make marriage work or 'admit my mistake' and move on. How do you do that? If I didn't have my daughter... I would pack today just because of the things said. Which again, was comment made to me... this is why I didn't want kids because of this... not staying married and now a child is involved. Where did I go wrong and I sooooo wish my dad was here. Thanks for time I'm sorry to sound like woe is me. Just never experienced anyting like this.

[Wondergirl]

What happened with the counseling? Why did he quit?

[fortysumthing]

Wondergirl: He felt wasn't need for him anymore. Said learned a few things of self, but said counselor told him he was pretty straight forward and that I was more emotional. We had same counselor but individual sessions. Counselor told me didn't think I was ready for joint sessions yet. Husband felt there was no need for himself to continue. His theory in counseling is you pay them to tell you bunch of BS or what you need or think you want to hear. He told me he knows he cannot make me happy and that bothers him. He feels he should be all I need, he doesn't need friends, we were best of friends and that's all we should need is the 3 of us. I do believe husband and wife should be best of friends. I feel something got lost last few years and I do not blame him for that. Due to our age, due to fact he didn't want to marry me earlier on, he didn't want kids, etc... I now feel guilty that I ruined his life. He says he doesn't regret but in same breath says if we don't make it, it was a mistake and people make mistakes. That hurts. Counselor as me what friend impacted my life growing up. I had no one to name. Was cheerleader all through school, never hung out with them. Always had serious boyfriend. Always. Even said to counselor maybe now 40 a little more wiser, marriage, children loss of child, dad, etc. maybe I realize now at this age how important friends should have been and I'm regreating my past. Wish I developed a female best friends or group per say. On Facebook I see a lot of girls knew in school live all over US still get together once year. Know eachothers ins and outs. I believe I messed that part up by always being serious relationships. Is that my issue? I want to enjoy life, have fun. I feel a lot older than I am. He's content just family doing things as family and working. Likes to be nonstop working and busy. We do things as family, sometimes with groups of friends but they are actually his circle of friends. All older. They are fun we do have good times. I sound horrible I know and do not mean to. It's so difficult to explain. He blames Facebook. He is right. That has become my replacement of social life. I have cancelled my account however. Thinking it may help. Sorry to be so winded here. My biggest fear in all this is wasting more of his time, life, and not ever getting back what he wants and needs. That's putting him on pedestal, making him feel first, making him feel nothing else matters. I did that in beginning and now according to him, I don't. And... he is right. Seeing old classmates and how they all still interact etc. has clicked something in me that I sooo wish I had and wish I would have developed, that is has made me distant from my husband when it is not his fault. Soooo... now that have daughter, being made to feel my choice is... my happiness and fun... or hurting two important people my daughter and him (yes he still is important and no matter what will care what happens to his life).

[Fr_Chuck]

Sometimes you have to try different couselors, they have various styles and methods, Toni and I went though 3 before we found a 4th that seemed ( well did) work for us.

Next if he will not go, you go, that way you learn to deal with the >>>>> he is trying to dump on you.

Has little to do with age, has to do with the issues in your life. And the anger about things you both most likely have.
( house, child, past marriages, other kids and more) and I bet money is a issue but you did not say it.

But he is not to be "worshiped" that is not a good and healthy relationship, he is to be a equal in a relationship with good communication

[worthit38]

Hi, you have a very similar life as myself, I am a 52yr old male and my wife is 40yrs old. First of all your husband needs to grow up. I see so many couples where one or both will give up there friends because there in love and only want to be with there lovers. Why's he got friends and you don't and if all of sudden you want some you should have some. He's afraid of you getting friends and then possibly leading into a affair and possible divorce. I understand he works a lot, most likely to support his family and have nice things in life and putting away for retirement, its tough these days. You probably did put him on a pedalstall because he felt proud to have a chick 11yrs younger but he doesn't need to be a jerk to make you feel bad when he's probably nervous as hell to lose you. Its fine for both of you to have friends to go out with, he should invite you out with him and his friends and you should do the same but its also okay to have a boys night out and also a girls night out. The boys & girls night out should only accure once a month, its not easy to start a relationship with someone new if only going out once a month, now you have 3 weeks left for either going out with each other or you with his buddies or him with your buddies, OR sit home and enjoy each other with or without your daughter. I feel there's still very much Love between both of you, the problem is communicating the right way, he doesn't want to sound like a wimp (thats why I said he needs to grow up)and I can see your getting kind of bored always being by yourself. I honestly feel like your husband with the counslers, I feel they only help with what each of you are trying to say but it comes out wrong when you talk to each other. You two have been together for 20 years now, me and my wife are a total of 12 years. Having trust in each other is the number one key factor, I myself very rarely go out unless its with my wife. She goes out with sister or friends approx. once a month, I trust her fully. She will usually tell me the next day about her night out, who she danced with (she won't dance slow unless its with me or her father) or who might of bought her a drink. I have had times where she would be out with her sister and men would by her drinks and try to get a little friendly (but in no means she didn't do anything wrong, us men just know how men can get)and she would call me to come down to have a drink so these men can see that the girls are taken. Now lets talk about the sex issue, I believe it's the wife from what I read that's having the problem feeling horny, well that's most likely do to stress not hormones. You two need to first find some time for yourselves, find a babysitter and you two go out to dinner & then go to a bar, sit where you can talk privately and first pour out all your feelings for each other out on the table, (not faults) but your love for each other and how you feel towards each other and go from there. Tell him thank you for all of his hard work and support he puts into your family and he should also be thanking you for taking care of the home,daughter and support you put in also. I know both of you will always be there for your daughter, but you two also need the time for you two to still go out and have fun together, if he doesn't want time with you and wants to hang with his friends then you should have the same proviledges as him just so you can keep your sanity intact. You both need to agree to forgive & forget and start tomorrow as it was the day you got married and tell your feelings and "LISTEN" to one another and have Trust also. Its funny I came in here to this site to ask a queation to fix my car, but seen this was so much like my marriage but without the problems, I tell everyone I have a perfect marriage because I do and you two can too, hope you both the best, mainly for your daughter but also for both of you to reliaze who really is the best friend to each other, if you would like me to babble on anymore you can contact me at >Removed<, Good luck to you both, Glenn