[luvsmiling]

I have been married for 4 years and my husband is 14 years older than me, while dating it didn't seem to be a big deal. Now I am concerned because he has been financially unstable since we have been married, right now I make ends meet and have been for the past 3 years while attending grad school full-time and raising a 13 yr old and 2 yr old. He doesn't seemed concerned that at this point in his life he should be stable, have health insurance, savings, a home, etc. I am establishing security for us slowly but I am becoming quite resentful in the process. I complete my phd in less than a year and have things lined up but I'm not sure I am willing to "take care" of him any longer. He works in construction so some weeks he has a job and other weeks he doesn't. I am truly frustrated, in other areas he is wonderful for the most part but I feel myself shutting down I have approached him with this issue several times but he puts it back on me usually stating that I should be more supportive or that the economy is bad and then shuts down. Please help any advice would be appreciated, by the way I am 36 and he is 50.

[Fr_Chuck]

This has nothing to do with age,? Not sure why you even considered it an issue. The issue is his maturity level, his desire to pay bills and secure a future.

Those are issue that one discuss while dating. So has he completely changed from the time you were dating? Or was he the same way when dating

[Enigma1999]

Hello,

I too have to agree that age is irrelevant.

Has he tried to contribute in other ways? Is he actively trying to find work? In other words, is he lazy?

[Kitkat22]

Was he in the same line of work when you met him? Did he provide well when you met?

[luvsmiling]

I do agree that maturity level seems to be an issue.
A little more background, we met online and were friends for years before actually dating. We actually dated 6 months before he asked me to marry him and we married a year later, he worked all this time. He had his own construction company in the state where he is from and also worked as an x-ray technician. He was a hard worker and then he moved where I was after we married and he had to re-establish himself. I totally understand that it takes time to re-establish ones self, especially after having lived your entire life clear across the country (from Al to Ca) but he doesn't seem to be trying much. He'll spend time looking on craigslist for 10 minutes or so and ponder going back to school. He was unable to pass his re-licensing for x ray tech so I told him I'd support him going back to school to remediate what he has forgotten in order to pass. He looks into things but never follows through. Maybe he is depressed... I asked and he said he does get down at times but is feeling better... I told him I was unhappy and he said I was selfish. We, (well I) talk with him about how we might move forward and he does a little and then goes right back to taking jobs here and there. He won't be able to continue doing these labor intensive jobs for ever. I asked him the other night if he worries about how we would manage if anything ever happened to him and he said you'll get social security if I get sick or die... I love him but I am not sure I can stop this feeling of resentment from creeping in. We can't afford counseling, maybe after I am done with school but by then it may be too late. Looking back I am clearly aware of what I should have done, questions I should have asked, etc. but now I feel like such a failure

[positiveparent]

It seems he is shirking his responsibility to provide for you, and instead is allowing or expecting you to do the providing, for you both. This isn't a balanced relationship like it is. I know about equality and all that but it is still usually the man who is the provider.

[nadia.baseer.durrani]

It's the attitude. His calling you selfish is a very laid back attitude. Its laziness. Fine equality and all that but normally, the husband is the provider in the long run and he should understand and act like that.

[Allie602]

It's quite a bit different in CA compared to GA. Did he sell his business? CA is difficult place to make a start from nothing. Did he move with no propect for work or did he work for a while.
I understand his position if I were a hard working man and I got to a state where my wife had to support me, I would feel very depressed. The ability to suport his family is usually a core need for a man. I cannot imagine how he feels.
He may be too dispondant to try. What do you do? I think you have been patient, and it is natiral feel resentment is he does not seem to trying.
The only way out of his depression is to find work and contribute to the family income. He is trying to deflect his bad feeling by calling you selfish.
You spoke to him that didn't work now may be the time to make an ultimatu, he finds work or you separate. Drastic but you are at an impass, someone has to make a move. Are you willing to take this step? If you lose him will it be better than having him even if he is not working?
Think about all your options, I think you must let him know the effect his lack of work has on you emotionally. Don't get side tracked by the selfish garbage or any other thing that he brings up to make you the heavy.

[Jake2008]

This is an interesting conundrum.

You married him, and he moved across the country, giving up essentially his entire life- his home, friends, probably family, his business- everything.

He has had trouble finding employment, and he's in good company, millions upon millions are in the same boat.

"In good times and bad" Remember that from your vows?

You have two children to raise, and a full plate, but what if the situation were reversed, and it was you who moved across the country, and you were unable to re-establish yourself to the former way of life you had.

There is NO guarantee that he will ever be in the same financial position, as he was, before he moved, ever again. He may very well be depressed about it- I sure would be. Especially if my spouse was on my back.

I think the long haul will prove that your disappointment in him was unfounded. If he was a hard worker, he still has the same qualities and characteristics he did, before he moved. He's not a different person. He is an unemployed person. There is a huge difference.

While you are working hard, and have a promising future ahead of you, that you supply the cash for the most part (he must have had something to show for his years of hard work- investments, profits from the sale of his home, business, personal items he couldn't take, etc.), is only one part of the relationship.

Marriages change. One or the other party will eventually face a difficult time in their lives, where they need the support of their partner more than their party needs their support. Further down the road, you may find yourself with a prolonged illness, and unable to work yourself- you would expect him to step up wouldn't you?

Give and take, sharing the load, being supportive instead of critical, all of that will play a part in him changing his life. My guess is that if he was used to being self supporting and has that level of pride and independence, your 'helpfulness', if probably not helping him at all.

When this goes on too long, and no prospects, job opportunities, and interviews come along, then try to address more deeper meanings than a temporary blip in an otherwise productive man's life.

There are many things he can do, that, with the passing of time may seem to be becoming impossible. I was very active in a job, but suffered an assault that left me unemployed for some time. Others seemed to think, well... just get back on that horse and ride baby! But, it is not that easy.

My advice to you is to be as supportive as you can be. Ask about his day, without specifically asking about his day, finding a job. Ask how he's feeling, without assuming he's depressed because he can't find a job. Offer in non judgmental ways to be supportive, and encourage him to do what he needs to do, without pressure.

A little creativity will go a long way in helping him.

[Fr_Chuck]

So he needs a "job" does not matter at one point if it is in his field, or if it is paying min wage, often a min wage job makes you look a lot harder for a better paying job.

I have worked, at least part time as a janitor, feed pigs and more. Almost anyone with a clean record and get a security guard job. At least somewhere to start. Get his application into walmart, a lot of people trying but each store is hiring almost every week someone.

If he wants to go back to school, then do it, apply and start going, not doing anything is the issue,

[Kitkat22]

He needs to start getting concerned about holding up his end of the marriage. It takes two.

As Fr_Chuck said he may have to work for minimum wage but at least he'll be working.

I hope you both find the answers.

[ShelbyLane90]

You should pull him to the side and talk about your issues with him. If he understands he should get his act together, but age has nothing to do with it.

[Kitkat22]

You should pull him to the side and talk about your issues with him. If he understands he should get his act together, but age has nothing to do with it.

Gosh no age doesn't make a difference at all. I am married to an older man and he is my dream come true.:)

[talaniman]

I think you better be a lot more patient and supportive of a guy who has already lived most of his life and has a lot of adjustments to make in a completely different environment than he is used to. Give him credit for even trying and back off with the pushing him in a direction you think will help, but may be entirely out of his league.

I know, you expect him to get with the program, but You have to let him change at his own time and pace since essentially he has to change everything he has freaking known.

Age may not be such a factor but understanding where he is in life is. Geez you think competing with people half his age is a piece of cake?? Think again, as this is probably the biggest challenge of his whole life, like landing on another planet, and leaving friends and family, and familiar routines behind.

He left is comfort zone behind to be with you in your world, so I think you work hard to give him what he needs, love, support, and patience.

Turn things around, and put the shoe on the other foot, and what would you expect from him?? And how far along would your PHD be in Alabama, or Georgia, and your prospects to line things up.

Don't be resentful, help him, because you are in a familiar comfortable place with options and opportunities and he has moved to the wilderness.

It may take years for him to get re established and ready for the good times you expect, so deal with your resentments better bu making expectations for him a lot more reasonable and remember its his pace, not yours.

I personally think your timetable is unfair, and it would mean a lot if you cared enough to tell him "to take all the time you need" and not just judge by YOUR standards.

Many guys our age are faced with this difficult challenge of changing everything we thought was familiar, and dear ALL our lives, NO LONGER EXISTS, and we have to adjust to this new uncertain world.

You want resentments, frustration? Believe me, he probably has a few he hasn't told you about.

[Homegirl 50]

While I understand and can respect his frustrations, trying to start over at his age is hard, but this guy asked you to marry him within 6 months of dating you and you were married a year later, that tells me he just did not think things through and maybe that is part of his problem now. The move did not just creep up on him.
But he has made that bed now he needs to stop wallowing in it and make it up and do something. Even if it is counseling to help him get motivated and started.