[rubisingh]

Hi,

I am 26 years old housewife. I have been married since last 1.5 year. I am unhappy my husband because of may reason.. like.. He is bald, his height is only 5.3'' and he is not very smart in looking and talking. But apart from that he is good and generous in nature.

I feel guilt in my mind that how can I choose a person like him for marriage. My marriage is arranged marriage. When I see all other couple around me, I feel very bad because I feel that only our pair is worst pair on the earth. I don't like him because his looks.

But I have some deceases like Hypothyroid, PCOS and Hirsutism. But he supports me to recover from all these problems. I am dependent on him as I am not earning. He is happy with me but I am not.

My concern is.. Should I save my marriage or should I take divorce? How can I change my feeling... and what is best option for me?

Thank!

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Rubi, I read your post from last year. My only knowledge of arranged marriages in India is through people I have worked with during my life here in the United States. Although the marriages were arranged, they were allowed to interview prospective mates and their parents allowed them to reject people they didn't find to be compatible. The people that did this found some wonderful matches and are very happy. I don't know if your parents gave you the same option or told you that you had to marry this man. Were you able to say no when this man was presented to you?

I guess the questions that come to my mind are, do you feel any love for this man? If you choose to divorce him, how do you plan to support yourself? Will your family take you back into their home? Can you get a job? As a divorced woman in India, will there be any opportunity to remarry or are you destined to live life as a single woman?

You need to consider all the problems that will arise in your life if you choose to divorce your husband. Can you survive without having him to provide for you?

[Kitkat22]

How do you look?

[rubisingh]

How do you look?

I am a good looking woman.

[Kitkat22]

I am a good looking woman.

Are you staying with your husband because he takes care of you?

[Just_Another_Lemming]

I am 25 years old woman. i get married before 7 month back. I am a average looking girl and my husband is not as smart and handsome as i wanted. he is shorter in height and bald and continuous falling his hair. He belongs from a small town and i m from big city. he is very nice in nature. But now i feel that he is not my type. Now i feel ashame to go with him. actually i did marriage with him because of force of my parents. but now what can i do?? I am very depressed and he is happy with me but i am not. I am monetary dependent on him.

This was the original post you made last year.

Is it possible for you to answer my questions? The answers will help me with my response to your new questions.

[rubisingh]

rubi, I read your post from last year. My only knowledge of arranged marriages in India is through people I have worked with during my life here in the United States. Although the marriages were arranged, they were allowed to interview prospective mates and their parents allowed them to reject people they didn't find to be compatible. The people that did this found some wonderful matches and are very happy. I don't know if your parents gave you the same option or told you that you had to marry this man. Were you able to say no when this man was presented to you?

I guess the questions that come to my mind are, do you feel any love for this man? If you choose to divorce him, how do you plan to support yourself? Will your family take you back into their home? Can you get a job? As a divorced woman in India, will there be any opportunity to remarry or are you destined to live life as a single woman?

You need to consider all the problems that will arise in your life if you choose to divorce your husband. Can you survive without having him to provide for you?

I haven't had a chance to say NO... because my family was searching a mate for me from past two year... so they were getting irritated... that's why I say Yes... Infect if I would say No... No one there to listen me... I have had a indirect pressure on me. And that time I met only one time for this interview type of round... how can you judge anyone in one meeting.

I am not sure that I love this man but I respect him very much.. because he gives me support to handle my all health related problem. My family will not support me.. but I can do job for survival. I know in India there are many problem for a divorced woman... But I am not happy from my heart. But I don't want to ditch this man because he trust on me very much... I am in dilemma.. Please help..

[rubisingh]

Are you staying with your husband because he takes care of you?

Yes, I am with him because I am dependent as I am not earning.

[rubisingh]

This was the original post you made last year.

Is it possible for you to answer my questions? The answers will help me with my response to your new questions.

Yes, This was my last Post.

[Kitkat22]

Look.. I'm no marriage expert, but I will say this. Looks don't make a man. A good heart and a good soul do.

There are good looking guys who probably aren't the man your husband is.

If you want to save your marriage look at the inside of the man you're married too.

He loves you. If you can't bear to stay in the marriage.. I don't know what your options are, so I cannot in all honesty tell you to leave him. It's up to you.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Rubi, although this popped into my mind, I guess at this point, it doesn't matter if you rejected too many suitors so your family became irritated.

Yes, you are in a difficult position. If you have never lived on your own and you must earn a living for the first time in your life, I can guarantee that it will be a very difficult and hard life. I think divorce would be a serious mistake, you need to find a way to make this marriage work and, if you can't find any love for your husband, you need to find some affection for him.

With arranged marriages, they don't usually start with love for the spouse because as you stated, you only get to meet them once. If you are lucky you can meet a few times prior to the ceremony. So, love is something that develops over the years. Being able to find a common ground and friendship at this point in your marriage will help you to move forward. Respecting a spouse, which you say you do already, is actually one of the things that help a marriage survive over time. You appear to like this man, but you are having trouble getting past his looks. So, you need to find a way to accept him for who he is.

During my life, I have found some very handsome people become less good looking as I get to know their personalities better. On the flip side, I have met people who I found physically unappealing but they have such great personalities, a kind heart, and/or a great sense of humor that, over time, their looks become appealing to me.

So, isn't there anything about his looks (or his personality in addition to his kindness) that you find very appealing? Think hard. Does he have nice eyes? Does he have a nice smile? Does he make you laugh? Does he treat you well, doesn't hit you, doesn't yell at you, respects your opinion?

You need to stop focusing so much on the physical attributes that you don't like and start focusing on the things about him that you do like, so you can help yourself move past these "flaws" you find so unappealing. The poor man cannot do anything about his looks. You need to understand and accept this fact: as people grow older, no matter how good looking they may be when young, their looks always fade as they age. Then, all you are left with is the personality. It sounds as if your husband already has a head start in that area. Embrace his wonderful personality. Please start focusing on that instead of his looks.

[rubisingh]

Rubi, although this popped into my mind, I guess at this point, it doesn't matter if you rejected too many suitors so your family became irritated.

Yes, you are in a difficult position. If you have never lived on your own and you must earn a living for the first time in your life, I can guarantee that it will be a very difficult and hard life. I think divorce would be a serious mistake, you need to find a way to make this marriage work and, if you can't find any love for your husband, you need to find some affection for him.

With arranged marriages, they don't usually start out with love for the spouse because as you stated, you only get to meet them once. If you are lucky you can meet a few times prior to the ceremony. So, love is something that develops over the years. Being able to find a common
ground and friendship at this point in your marriage will help you to move forward. Respecting a spouse, which you say you do already, is actually one of the things that help a marriage survive over time. You appear to like this man, but you are having trouble getting past his looks. So, you need to find a way to accept him for who he is.

During my life, I have found some very handsome people become less good looking as I get to know their personalities better. On the flip side, I have met people who I found physically unappealing but they have such great personalities, a kind heart, and/or a great sense of humor that, over time, their looks become appealing to me.

So, isn't there anything about his looks (or his personality in addition to his kindness) that you find very appealing? Think hard. Does he have nice eyes? Does he have a nice smile? Does he make you laugh? Does he treat you well, doesn't hit you, doesn't yell at you, respects your opinion?

You need to stop focusing so much on the physical attributes that you don't like and start focusing on the things about him that you do like, so you can help yourself move past these "flaws" you find so unappealing. The poor man cannot do anything about his looks. You need to understand and accept this fact: as people grow older, no matter how good looking they may be when young, their looks always fade as they age. Then, all you are left with is the personality. It sounds as if your husband already has a head start in that area. Embrace his wonderful personality. Please start focusing on that instead of his looks.

Thanks for your advise and support... I will try my Best...