[Ponderer]

So I don't know what's going on with me. I have a huge lack of appetite, lack of interest. When I approach a meal or any food I get nauseous. And all of this started when I saw a talk show where a lesbian was saying that she enjoyed hitting on straight women, and that every woman has had the desire of being with another woman once in their lives. This really didn't affect me much. What did was when I was watching the show buffy and the character willow had just experience a break up with her boyfriend. She was distraught and I could sympathize with her because I currently have a boyfriend who I love so much and if a scenario like that would happen to me, I would be torn, my world would fall apart. (we envision a life together, marriage and kids in the future, that's why) the thing is the way she reacted to the break up was a similar reaction to me when my boyfriend and I almost broke up, and I couldn't breathe, it felt like I was having a heart attack.(this was months ago) so anyway, a few episodes later (I'm watching (or was) all the reruns at the same time) she becomes a lesbian. And that kind of left me in shock. ( I knew that she later becomes a lesbian but it didn't bother me until I saw it) so anyway since then, I feel sick, I have an intrusive voice in my head saying your going to become a lesbian. Naturally, you see beautiful people and you think they are attractive, both men and women, I mean I am not blind but I never had the desire to kiss a girl, be with a girl or anything like that. I don't know what to do. I say to myself I am not, and I know am not but my head is torturing me. Is this normal, do people have similar reactions or am I going insane?

[redhed35]

You had a bad experience which you then saw played out on a TV programme,you were able to relate to the character,it mirrored your intense feelings of what happened to you.

Later,the same character becomes a lesbian,you related to the character when she was in distress,so you put yourself in her shoes,now as you are seeing yourself in her shoes,your mind is confused,if that happened to her,it could happen to me.

Because the feelings were so intense,it hit the neural pathway that was formed when you broke up,now your feeding that pathway by seeing how the characters life played out,and again putting yourself in her shoes.

Now to stop that.

First of all,you know that it's a TV programme,you know that a group of script writers sit together and write the story,most story lines or at least the feelings as based on real feelings past or present.you know all this.

Imagine yourself and the character standing together,you have a job/school, boyfriend and family,you get up in the morning eat breakfast and get on with your day.

Now take a look a the characters day.

She helps to fight vampires,everyday.

She is a witch, and at one time she was a ghost and her boyfriend was a warewolf.

You are not the character,you are real.

The only thing in common was the actress was able to mirror your intense feelings,so you felt a connection.

If these thoughts are invading your life or are taking over your life perhaps you might consider some therapy.

As an aside,imagine a dial in your mind,when you hear the voice repeating you're the same,imagine yourself turning down the dial,until you can't hear it.

[Ponderer]

But is this normal? I'm freaking out. I keep telling myself I am not, and I know am not so why does it scare me so much? This been happening since last Wednesday. It feels as if I'm losing my mind. The only way it goes away is if I sleep. :-(

[KBC]

but is this normal? I'm freaking out. i keep telling myself i am not, and i know am not so why does it scare me so much? this been happening since last Wednesday. It feels as if I'm losing my mind. the only way it goes away is if i sleep. :-(

I agree with red 100% on this,mirroring yourself into a fictional situation.

I really don't like to sound like a scratched record(old school talk, scratched CD):) but counseling by a professional might help you come to terms with this before it becomes a full fledged obsession.

When I had thoughts like these,I had to learn how to cope with the emotions/feelings.

Coping skills are taught,understood,practiced,and eventually implemented in peoples lives.. most times in just that order.

I learned to replace the thoughts with something else(a simple denial and replacement),it was a struggle for a little while,as I was totally obsessed with the though I had at that time(I can't seem to remember it now, maybe it wasn't all that life changing after all? )

You are not unique in feeling this way,You can get help for this thinking pattern.You can go on and have a fruitful life with your s/o as planned.

When you want this to stop,when the pain is too great,you will make the efforts necessary to get the help you need.

[Jake2008]

There is more going on here that you are not disclosing.

Your question, "intrusive mental voice"- what does that mean, do you hear voices? If you do, is this something that is triggered under situations such as stress? How often are these voices being heard, and what do they say.

The drastic change in appetite, followed by the symptoms you have described, sound like you may have maybe stopped taking medication? I am only guessing, but, your behaviour before you posted, and your behaviour after, must have started somewhere. And this didn't start overnight.

The TV mixed up thinking thing, the questioning your sexuality, and being heavily influenced by what you see in a make believe show, along with everything else, indicates that you are experiencing some serious problems here. In my opinion, this has little to do with the TV show, other than how you are internalizing meaning, based on being confused. It is a symptom.

I don't know how old you are, but if you have a boyfriend, as you say, how is he responding, and how and what is he doing to try to help you.

[Ponderer]

No I am not under any medication. Before feeling this way, I was sort of depressed. I'm currently unemployed, so the majority of my days are spent at home. My boyfriend works full-time and lives rather far so I used to get very sad because I only see him once a week. Soon I'm going to vacation with my mom (I'm 21 years old) and when I come back Sept will be around the corner and seeing my boyfriend is going to be even harder being that he'll be a full time student and full time employee. I used the term "intrusive voice" because that's what I read online, but it's more like a conscience voice saying "you're going to like this girl" anytime I see a female. And here and there I remember the talk show. I feel this is pathetic, because I know who I am, but I don't know why is it making feel like I'm sick. I never been homophobic. My boyfriend is actually a strict christian, he's against homosexuals, and I'm all about their rights. But I don't know what's going on. What I'm feeling in a nutshell is a panic attack, my heart races, I feel a bit shaky, and again eating is becoming a struggle.

[Jake2008]

Thank you for adding this information, it really helps.

That there is no history of any serious mental health issues, the 'intrusive mental voice', is more like a self-talk, which can be a very helpful therapeutic tool, if directed properly.

When you have thoughts that start to affect your day to day life, thoughts that repeat themselves, cause stress and physical symptoms, and otherwise intrude on your everyday life, these are thoughts that you can control, they do not have to control you.

You have already determined that this thought merry go round you are on right now, is causing (naturally) depression, decreased appetite, etc. The symptoms you think may be leading to or causing actual panic attacts, could very well be accurate to some degree as well.

The plus side is you recognize what is going on, and that is is not rational thinking, not reflecting your own values and personality, and you connect the external problems (lack of eating etc.) as part of the whole picture, which, I agree with you, it is.

What may be happening here is that fleeting, and/or disturbing thoughts, are very contrary to your life, and your relationship with your strict Christrian boyfriends' values. Could the conflict be because of your differences in this area- that you may feel you cannot explore and deal with thoughts that might cause your boyfriend to question your personality, and/or be angry or upset with the degree that this is affecting you.

It could even be regarded as a catalyst (the TV show and related thoughts) that has caused you (or triggered you) to define or re-define issues related to sexuality.

My advice to you, is to get yourself a diary or notebook, and when you are feeling these unwanted thoughts, write the thought out, how you feel about it, and what you think it may mean. Let the thoughts flow, they belong to you and you do not need to share this with anybody.

Consider doing that as dealing with the issue, when it arises. When you close your notebook, begin a countdown, backwards from 10. Slowly. As you reach closer to zero, the issue that you have dealt with on paper, will begin to feel far less intimidating. There is a beginning, a middle (or work part) and an end. You can control this. And not only control it, but gain some insight from what you have written.

I do this all the time, and find that when I'm really upset about one thing, when I write it out, I realize that it is never just about one thing. I realize that it started with an argument I had yesterday with my son, that carried on into bouncing a cheque, that had me worried about money, etc.etc.etc. It is always related, even if it doesn't seem to be, or it doesn't make sense.

We have far more power over how we think and feel than we realize. The only key that matters is honesty. That is not an easy thing to face, especially about yourself. But, it changes the thinking to something concrete and with meaning, when you face truths. While it may be hard to get to that point, when you face thoughts such as you've described, it is so liberating. Like running bare nekkid on a beach! ;)

Try not to attach meaning to these thoughts, without working on yourself first. It is dangerous to think that there is something 'wrong' with you, because of the way you think, and what you are thinking.