[rol]

<<'Like to meet an outgoing bloke who wants to have fun and party and must
Be mad like me and have a wicked sense of humor
>>

U are welcome Geoff!
When I was in my 20's "party phase" I met many of these kind of guys that she thinks she wants! And believe me they are all JERKS!!

[talaniman]

After a break up it takes a while to accept its over, and all kinds of excuses come up as what went wrong, and what you would have, should have... done to make it better, but most relationship come to a cross road after a few years as people grow, and change, and see things differently. One partner doesn't have to be bad to end a relationship, as a matter of fact, unless there is abuse or cheating neither partner is evil, or wrong for wanting something different. Its just so easy to brand them as so bad to break up with us so we can then blame them, and overlook any shortcomings we have. The truth is its over, and it needs to be put behind you, and just be glad for the time you spent. The reason I wrote this because I think it really unfair to paint those that choose to leave a relationship , with a negative light because the separation had hurt us. That's the easy way out.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I agree with you tal, I can't place too much blame on her, she was young and naïve but at the same time, she is growing and changing. I think she certainly has a long way to go and no doubt a few experiences to go through as rol suggests before she can be at the same maturity level as I feel I am at. The only thing that really upset me was that she would not tell me to my face and I had to almost beg her to do that. After 3 years together and her wanting to get engaged to me, it was the least she could expect me to ask for. Never mind though, there is no point in resenting someone for wanting to live a different life, especially while being young. I do try to look at it and say to myself, well I did have a lot of good experiences with her and enjoyed most of the 3 years we spent together.

[rol]

<<The only thing that really upset me was that she would not tell me to my face and I had to almost beg her to do that>>

It must have been very hard for her to do Geoff... I know my ex could not tell me either, and had a really hard time talking about it.. as he did not know what he was doing and was very confused and thought it was just a phase he was going through.

Sometimes I try and think imagine if I was the one who wanted to break up with him for the same reason, it would be a horrible thing to do , to hurt the other person so much.

Try to think of it that way Geoff. It kind of helps...

[Geoffersonairplane]

<<The only thing that really upset me was that she would not tell me to my face and I had to almost beg her to do that>>

It must have been very hard for her to do Geoff...i know my ex could not tell me either, and had a really hard time talking about it..as he did not know what he was doing and was very confused and thought it was just a phase he was going through.

Sometimes i try and think imagine if i was the one who wanted to break up with him for the same reason, it would be a horrible thing to do , to hurt the other person so much.

try to think of it that way Geoff. It kind of helps...

That's a good point rol. It must have been hard for her, when she was telling me to my face, she was trying to be quite hard about it without showing emotion but her eyes were sort of watering because she could see what it was doing to me. That must have been hard, to know that you are hurting someone you have spent a relatively long chapter of your life with. I don't think she is a really bad person or anything, I just think she is young and needs to do what is right for her.

Thanks for highlighting this... Its a more positive way of reflecting on things.. :)

[Bluerose]

Geoffersonairplane,

"Her brother told me a month after the break-up when I bumped into him in the city, "she needs to meet a real *****d who treats her bad to realize what she has done by giving you up Geoff"...I guess this confirms what everyone said here because he knew me very well."

Her own brother said that? Sorry, but now I'm pissed off. Come on you guys this is a young girl of twenty, who just wants to have some fun. How can you hope for her to meet a right B*****?!

"I guess this confirms what everyone said here because he knew me very well."

This does not confirm what everyone said. I didn't say anything like that.

Geoffersonairplane, you are swinging from understanding her to not understanding her. And from understanding what I said to not understanding what I said.

You do sound like a sweet caring guy, but you do need to do some more thinking - and a lot more focusing.

And my last piece of advice - stop listening to other people (including me) use your head and listen to your heart.

[wap]

Hi Geoff,

I had sent you another pm last night but I don't think it went.

I wonder these things about re-bounds too. As you know it has been roughly 5 or 6 months for me. It worries me that my ex has met someone else. Yuck. Some people said before though, it might take exes to date other people to find out what they lost.

I still don't feel ready to date someone else, I think there would be too much comparing there. Maybe they will be comparing us to people they go out with in future? Who knows.

[Skell]

This whole conversation is swinging back to being about her, which I wish it wouldn't.

Truth is Geoff, no one, not you, not her brother, not Bluerose, not me, no one knows why she did things. We can discuss it, come up with theories, argue, wonder etc all we like why. BUt her reasons are her reasons and it doesn't change a thing for you unfortunately.

I have not much of a clue either as to the whole truth behind my ex breaking up with me, and like you for a long time I wanted to know why. Was it another guy, was it something I did, was it just wanting to be young, was it her traumatic personal life catching up with her??

For some reason we try and make sense of things that sometimes just don't make sense. I fully understand where you are coming from. It is hard just to say to yourself "oh well, time to stop looking for answers and just play the hand ive been dealt with".

I think we think by finding answers we wll be able to get to the root of the problem and solve everything. Doesn't work that way either.

So lets get off the topic of her again Geoff and go back to you. I agree with Bluerose, I could never wish a real ar$e hole onto my ex so she gets treated poorly. I just can't bring myself to have ill feelings and be angry at her. Ive never been hurt worse by a person and I hope in hell I never am again, but I don't blame her and have no resentment at all either. I know you don't as well. It is just in the search for answers we concoct all sorts of things in our head. Because the fact of the matter is, her meeting some jerk and dating him might make her realise what she lost in you, but it won't necessarily mean it will bring her back to you, nor would you necessarily have her back.

So lets get off the topic of her and on to the persons emotions that we can have a say in, and that's your own.

Keep being positive and try not to analyse things too much. Been there done that and you will send yourself insane looking for answers that just aren't there right now. They may be one day but they will appear on their own. You won't find them!

[Skell]

Same goes for you too Wap. I know how hard you are doing it but constantly wondering about him won't help you either.

Who knows what your ex is doing. Just as much as you think he might be living ti up with some new girl he has met, he might be lonely and miserable and looking for answers in his life. You just don't know. You don't have control over him and what he thinks. But you do have control over what you do and think.

I know it is hard and there still isn't a day goes by that my ex isn't in my head. Probably isn't a minute that goes by, so I'm not telling you to forget them all together. But just try not to presume and think the worst.

Just continue to do what you have been doing and that's keep your mind as active as possible with other things.

Take control of your mind and try and get working in a positive manner moving forward, not a negative mind set looking at the past.

Easier said than done I know, but the least we owe ourselves is to give it a go!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Geoffersonairplane,

"Her brother told me a month after the break-up when I bumped into him in the city, "she needs to meet a real *****d who treats her bad to realize what she has done by giving you up Geoff"...I guess this confirms what everyone said here because he knew me very well."

Her own brother said that?! Sorry, but now I'm pissed off. Come on you guys this is a young girl of twenty, who just wants to have some fun. How can you hope for her to meet a right B*****?!!

"I guess this confirms what everyone said here because he knew me very well."

Hi there...

I just wanted to say that I agree with what you have said bluerose and I do not want anyone to think that I would wish for her to meet anyone bad...It is the exact opposite actually.. Her brother and parents actually said the same thing because truth is, they did not want it to end between me and her but they nor I have any control over what she wants... I understand that but I really don't want to come across as if I resent her so much that I wish anything bad for her, I actually wish that it all turns out for the best deep down, even though the best will probably never include me..

You are right bluerose, I should start to listen to my head and heart but I also value other peoples opinions too. I am not dictated in any way by the advice that I am given by other since I tend to filter advice through my own reasoning process before deciding if it is valid or not.

Keep being positive and try not to analyse things too much. Been there done that and you will send your self insane looking for answers that just aren't there right now. They may be one day but they will appear on their own. You wont find them!

I completely agree with you here Skell, I need to stop analysing her motives and what she is doing so much. I have made good progress but there are times when I slip back into this way of thinking.. I know what you mean about the searching for answers, like the other week when I posted a thread about her having set up a myspace account.. By actually checking this, it took me back a few steps and made me start searching again.. Bad news but one of the downs you described I would likely go through..

Thanks Again.. Geoff..

[Geoffersonairplane]

You do sound like a sweet caring guy, but you do need to do some more thinking - and a lot more focusing.

Thanks bluerose..

I agree that there is still some element of focus required more towards myself rather than seeking answers that are not there..

[Skell]

Ups and downs Geoff.

Your doing better than you realise!

[Bluerose]

Geofferson,

Skell is right we should forget about her and get back to you. I just don't like to see negative things said about someone who can't defend themselves.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Geofferson,

Skell is right we should forget about her and get back to you. I just don't like to see negative things said about someone who can't defend themselves.

I know what you are saying bluerose and please, please understand that it was not me who actually said that but her family and I don't think I have actually said I wanted this to happen anywhere in this forum... I LOVE THE WOMAN!

I only reiterated what the family said to me and I in know way agreed with them, I just listened to what they said. Maybe they said what they said to make it easier on me, I don't know.

It would be the last thing I would want, it really would, this is why I said earlier that I worry about what will happen to her but also I have been put straight on this that her experiences and lessons are not my concern.. My concern is with ME ONLY.

I guess I really should not have wrote that this was said about her because as you say, it is negative and not about me which is where the focus should be so I agree, off her and more about focusing on me and my healing.

I feel like I have offended you now bluerose for you not being comfortable with what was in one of the previous responses... Hope I have not..

Geoff.

:)

[Bluerose]

"I feel like I have offended you now bluerose for you not being comfortable with what was in one of the previous responses....Hope I have not.."

Not at all. I haven't yet met anyone who doesn't enjoy a good healthy debate. Lol

Rose xx

[simpl2me]

Well one you have already answered your question. Blurose came the closet on the feelings pends on the bagage. But if you look at it this way no matter how long it is after a breakup will always be considered a rebound. Its just how people put it when you go from one relationship to another they now if it is 1 yr down the road then they will most likely say it not too much but it is up to you and when you feel your ready for that relationship again. So who cares what others think on the rebound a lot of relationships go well off the rebound as they say but it's a learning thing. I know cause Im one of the ones that jumped into one that was after me being left after a month and we have been together for 3 yrs and we are great you just got to find the right one that wants what you want out of a relationship and wanting to go party is not an exscuse it is fear of comitment. Stay away from Young girls they know nothing in a relationship.

[wap]

Just wanted to say thanks Skell, I couldn't rate your answer, I wasn't allowed.

Thanks for your support. You are very strong. I hope you are well yourself.

You are right, I will try to stay positive
X

[april75]

My logic tells me that it depends on whether you are the one that leaves or the one that is left behind and how much the break-up hurt you. I expect there is really no time scale since it probably depends on the emotional baggage he or she is carrying.

Like I say, I think the dumper can move into a relationship relatively early and for it not to be considered a rebound since the dumper usually cuts themselves off emotionally well before the ending of the relationship.

What do you think guys and gals??

First of all, I have been in this situation before and I actually got married so... I would say to anyone PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE!! :eek: Give yourself time to get over someone before moving on to a new relationship. Some people simply can't cope if they are not in relationships... something that I am coming to grips with... it's a dangerous way to live.

I can't tell you the pain and anguish that I have suffered as well as my children... I didn't take the time to get to know the new man. I was hurting due to the break up of a 4 year relationship that I thought was going to lead to marriage and it didn't so... as soon as we broke up within a month I was in another relationship and one year later pregnant with twins and married... talk about rebounding... wew... :eek:

So, I say... WAIT! :) until you feel comfortable with being single and the ex is no longer the object of your affection. If I had to go for numbers I'd say after a year it's time to start dating. Of course, the length of time you were in the prior relationship and whether you were falling in love or were in love will also determine how long it takes for one to move on. Some people believe that when one really loves someone it never dies just becomes suppressed in the heart... I hope this helps and God Bless!;)

[Geoffersonairplane]

If I had to go for numbers I'd say after a year it's time to start dating. Of course, the length of time you were in the prior relationship and whether or not you were falling in love or were in love will also determine how long it takes for one to move on. Some people believe that when one really loves someone it never dies just becomes suppressed in the heart... I hope this helps and God Bless!;)

I'm starting to believe that a year is a good figure to use to actually get yourself back on track, sort your life out by making improvements, riding through the pain and letting go in preparation for dating again. I still don't feel emotionally ready enough for anything along the lines of dating. I don't believe true love dies, you carry it inside but I also believe that you can truly love more than once.

[daisydew]

My ex told me he loved me, and thought he would never find someone he was more compatible with. 2 weeks later he's in a relationship with a coworker and they've got their pet names plastered all over myspace. Everyone is telling me it's a rebound... but they seem so happy together. It hurts.

Personally, I don't feel like I'm going to be ready for another relationship for a longggg time!

What happens to people that keep rebounding to the next relationship? Do they eventually realize their pattern... or do they finally find their special someone? Hmmmm