[bleeding_123heart]

Hey everyone, I am going to ask a really serious question so please don't be crual I really do care about him this feeling is not a crush I can tell the difference between love and a crush I understand that he is a legal adult and I am a minor. Him and I are not sexually active, we won't even kiss till I'm 18,I know that the bst thing to do is to tell him I have to let him go till then but I can't do it I cry thinking about it,it's a horrible feeling,my love for him burns me like 3rd degree burn its crucial. I don't want him to go to jail if my mom finds out that will literally kill me,the thought of that makes me puke please help me I'm begging I don't want to hear it if it involves to leave him,but if that's what it takes to know I'm wrong then go for it. Please and thank you

[Xenophanes]

Simple and yet potentially heart breaking

You have to find out if he'll wait for you. Chances realistically speaking is that he won't be able to wait for you.

However, I that is the case then I suggest no matter how hard it is, to call it off. Because bring your family into the situation is not a good scenario and they will find out. Parents know. Chances are you mom knows there's someone. However the age will kill any innocent notions she might have about it and bring her motherly worries on full force.

So, you will have to woman up and call it off. Hoping that he is able to wait for you. If he is not, the he's not a keeper anyway.

Hope this helps.

[ScottGem]

There are several factors here. First, the legal, its not against the law for both of you to date as long as your parents approve. However, if you become sexually active, he could find himself in jail. If your parents don't approve and he continues to see you, they could take legal action against him for interference with their parental rights.

Second, is emotional. You claim, at 14, that you know the difference between love and a crush. I don't want to be cruel, but I don't believe that. You are too young and too inexperienced to be able to make that determination. You don't say how long you have been involved with him, but it can't be that long.

Third, there is the wierdness factor (for want of a better term). I have to wonder about a 19 year old who is involved with a 14 yr old and doesn't even want to kiss. There is something very strange about that which sets off alarms in my mind.

So my advice to you is to break it off until you become 18. Build your social experience and skills over the next 4 years. When you turn 18, if you both are still interested in each other you will have a free hand to pursue a relationship.

[Cat1864]

Some people at 50 years of age still don't know the difference between love and an infatuation (crush). At 14 years of age, it is even easier to blur the line between the two. I am not saying you don't have 'real' feelings for him. Only, that time may show they aren't as strong as you think they are right now.

How do you know this man? How long have you known him? How did you become involved with him?

Depending on your relationship with him besides the boyfriend/girlfriend one, your mother could very well be correct about bringing in the court system. It is something you may not want to hear, but if he is/was in any position of authority (teacher of ANY type, youth group leader, coach, assistant coach, babysitter, etc.), then he has overstepped a huge boundary line. There is as Scott said a very big weirdness factor and I am worried that maybe he isn't what he seems to be.

You do need to break it off with him. You have four years of growing before you. You aren't the person you are going to become. You are just starting to learn who she is and what she wants. Don't limit her by trying to grow into the person he wants her to be.

[Kitkat22]

There are people who will take advantage of you. Doesn't have to be a teacher, although that is happening a lot. Apparently this guy has given you the wrong idea or he is trying to lure you into thinking he cares about you.

There are predators in every walk of life. If you don't leave this guy alone and stay away from him.. he will be in trouble.

Has he told you he loves you? Please get away from him.

[bleeding_123heart]

There are several factors here. First, the legal, its not against the law for both of you to date as long as your parents approve. However, if you become sexually active, he could find himself in jail. If your parents don't approve and he continues to see you, they could take legal action against him for interference with their parental rights.

Second, is emotional. You claim, at 14, that you know the difference between love and a crush. I don't want to be cruel, but I don't believe that. You are too young and too inexperienced to be able to make that determination. You don't say how long you have been involved with him, but it can't be that long.

Third, there is the wierdness factor (for want of a better term). I have to wonder about a 19 year old who is involved with a 14 yr old and doesn't even want to kiss. There is something very strange about that which sets off alarms in my mind.

So my advice to you is to break it off until you become 18. Build your social experience and skills over the next 4 years. When you turn 18, if you both are still interested in each other you will have a free hand to pursue a relationship.

We are not sexually active, I choose not for us to kiss I've been with him since I was 12,clearly he was still a teen,but now that he turned 19 its pretty different, I didn't have to break it off cause him and I did it together we knew we had to. Though we still talk that's it and this happened today later after I posted this

[Kitkat22]

You know the dangers of this relationship. If I found that my daughter were involved with a nineteen year old and she was fourteen, I would hit the ceiling and he would be in big trouble.

You are being unfair to your parents and also risking a relationship that could easily turn into something which could bring terrible consequences.

If he loves you , he will leave you alone until you are old enough to date.

[ScottGem]

I'm glad to hear you've broken it off. I think you will look back at this in the future as a wise decision. Your additional info doesn't enhance the story. A 12 yr old shouldn't be dating, especially not a 17 yr old. And a 17 yr old romantically involved with a 12 yr old raises all sorts of alarms.

[Jake2008]

You have been with him since you were 12, which would have made him 17, which indicates a very big imbalance in power.

By that I mean a 17 year old doesn't normally date 12 year olds. An 18 year old doesn't normally date 13 year olds, and a 19 year old man, does not date a 14 year old child.

Whether you like it or not, there are laws, because of, the situation you find yourself in right now. It is inappropriate and predatory in nature for a man, to pursue a relationship with a child. The imbalance in this relationship IS the fact that you are a child, and are obviously hook line and sinker into being 'in love', which is also something you are not mature enough to understand. That you think you understand, is another matter, because at your age, you presume to know the difference.

Newspapers are full of stories with disastrous consequences, when men pursue children. You are a child, legally and otherwise, and no matter how you describe him, or regard him, he is, by normal societal standards, subject to laws that protect children- and that includes you.

Try to think outside the box here, and pretend that your best friend of 14, is dating a man. Would you believe that his intent is not sexual? Would you advise her to keep it all a secret because she tells you she is in love? Would you consider that it is a normal stage of development to worry that her boyfriend could end up in jail because of their 'love'?

Would you think it were okay for a kid in your class, age 14, to date a high school senior?

There are so many differences, and reasons not to be involved, I'm sure you can list some of your own. Don't kid yourself into thinking that sex has nothing to do with the relationship. I don't happen to believe that he hasn't already groomed you, and I don't believe you that you have never kissed, fondled each other, or come very close to having full blown intercourse. Just my opinion.

You do after all, call him your boyfriend.

My advice to you is get out, confide in your mother, and let the chips fall where they may. You need to be a child, and he needs to be an adult, and act like one.

[Homegirl 50]

This relationship is wrong on a whole lot of levels.
First off, if this were a decent guy, he would not be talking to you anyway. 19 year old guys do not mess with 14 year old girls.
17 year old guys do not mess with 12 year old girls. That is just kinky and wrong.
Talk to your parents about this. They need to take care of this situation. This should no longer be in your hands.
You are on shaky ground young lady and you don't even know it.
This guy is a predator. I think you are looking for a way out of this mess, maybe you are even a bit afraid of him. So I'm giving you a way out. Leave him alone. Tell your parents about him. For all you know, you may not be the only young girl he messes with.

[bleeding_123heart]

This relationship is wrong on a whole lot of levels.
First off, if this were a decent guy, he would not be talking to you anyway. 19 year old guys do not mess with 14 year old girls.
17 year old guys do not mess with 12 year old girls. That is just kinky and wrong.
Talk to your parents about this. They need to take care of this situation. This should no longer be in your hands.
You are on shaky ground young lady and you don't even know it.
This guy is a predator. I think you are looking for a way out of this mess, maybe you are even a bit afraid of him. So I'm giving you a way out. Leave him alone. Tell your parents about him. For all you know, you may not be the only young girl he messes with.

Again, if you have not read, me and him are not together it was a thing him and I both wanted to do cause its wrong clearly he got all of us on that one cause I thought I was going to have to break it off alone instead we both did and that all that matters to me, we still talk so its fine. No we don't kiss I don't want to I know the things that can happen I've done the rsearch for long hours of time.

[ScottGem]

This is my opinion, but I think it needs saying. I don't believe that every situation where you have an older person involved with an underage person is one where the older person is looking to take advantage of the younger one. There may be instances where the older person has some other issue. There may be an issue where the younger person is the aggressor. We don't always know the full details and I'm hesitant to brand the older person without those details.

This situation is a case in point. According to OP there was no physical aspect to this relationship. As the relationship progressed the age gap made things more uncomfortable to where the decision was made to break it off. So I'm very hesitant to believe the older person here was taking advantage. This relationship was wrong from the beginning, that's clear. But not necessarily from the point that I would brand the older person.

[Cat1864]

This is my opinion, but I think it needs saying. I don't beleive that every situation where you have an older person involved with an underage person is one where the older person is looking to take advantage of the younger one.

Scott, I agree that was why I said depending on how she became involved with him her mother could be correct in reacting as strongly as she thinks Mom would. While there are some relationships such as mentor/student types that are a big 'NO', there are others that are innocent of ulterior motives.

However, I am not comfortable with the thought of a 12 year old 'dating' behind his/her mother's back especially if the other person is 17. I am even less comfortable with that 'relationship' lasting for two years in secret ('if my mom finds out' implies that it has been hidden to keep mom from knowing).

I will admit that the op's sharing the length of the relationship after getting advice makes me wonder what else has been left out in an attempt to make the relationship more acceptable.

I am glad that the relationship is at very least on hold (Break ups have a tendency to be temporary especially if the individuals are keeping in touch.) so that an escalation of emotions and actions is less likely to occur.

[Homegirl 50]

again,, if you have not read,, me and him are not together it was a thing him and i both wanted to do cause its wrong clearly he got all of us on that one cause i thought i was going to have to break it off alone instead we both did and that all that matters to me, we still talk so its fine. no we don't kiss i dont want to i know the things that can happen ive done the search for long hours of time.

You are not together as of yesterday. When you posted this you still were and had been for 2 years.
I hope you stay away from this guy. This relationship is not healthy and the fact that you have hid this from your parents for 2 years (you should not have been seeing anyone at that age, let a lone a 17 year old) only magnifies the point of it being inappropriate.

When my daughter was young I and her father used to tell her, "any time someone ask you to engage in something and says don't tell your parents, that is a sure sign you should not be doing it, and you should tell your parents"
It's good you have stopped this. I hope it stays that way.

[Homegirl 50]

[QUOTE=ScottGem;2439222]This is my opinion, but I think it needs saying. I don't believe that every situation where you have an older person involved with an underage person is one where the older person is looking to take advantage of the younger one. There may be instances where the older person has some other issue. There may be an issue where the younger person is the aggressor. We don't always know the full details and I'm hesitant to brand the older person without those details.
QUOTE]
I understand what you are saying, but this is a two year relationship. It started when she was 12 and was kept "secret" that in itself says he knew this was not appropriate.
He should have been the one to tell that little girl 2 years ago that she needs to be playing with her friends and not talking to him.
I'm not understanding why a boy that age carries on a two year secret relationship with a girl her age.

[Kitkat22]

[QUOTE=Homegirl 50;2439375]

This is my opinion, but I think it needs saying. I don't believe that every situation where you have an older person involved with an underage person is one where the older person is looking to take advantage of the younger one. There may be instances where the older person has some other issue. There may be an issue where the younger person is the aggressor. We don't always know the full details and I'm hesitant to brand the older person without those details.
QUOTE]
I understand what you are saying, but this is a two year relationship. It started when she was 12 and was kept "secret" that in itself says he knew this was not appropriate.
He should have been the one to tell that little girl 2 years ago that she needs to be playing with her friends and not talking to him.
I'm not understanding why a boy that age carries on a two year secret relationship with a girl her age.

I agree with HG... there is something about this that makes me wonder why a secret romance for two years? That puzzles me.:confused:

[ScottGem]

I'm not understanding why a boy that age carries on a two year secret relationship with a girl her age.

I don't understand that either. That's part of the wierdness factor I spoke of initially. But I'm still not ready to label him as a predator or assume he was taking advantage. I'm willing to take the OP's statement that nothing remotely sexual happened at face value. And given that, I don't think its fair to apply such labels.

Don't get me wrong, this relationship was wrong from the get go and this should have been and was made clear to the OP. But maybe there is something there. And in 4 years they may decide to get together again. Without more evidence, I wouldn't want to discourage that. At least that's my opinion.

[EmoPrincess]

Has anyone considered that maybe the term boyfriend is being used loosely here? Or that maybe this 19 year old may have the mentality of a younger child?

Just suggestions...

I am not arguing or saying any of you are wrong, I swear it. But those may be some points to consider

[Homegirl 50]

I don't understand that either. That's part of the wierdness factor I spoke of initially. But I'm still not ready to label him as a predator or assume he was taking advantage. I'm willing to take the OP's statement that nothing remotely sexual happened at face value. And given that, I don't think its fair to apply such labels.

Don't get me wrong, this relationship was wrong from the get go and this should have been and was made clear to the OP. But maybe there is something there. And in 4 years they may decide to get together again. Without more evidence, I wouldn't want to discourage that. At least that's my opinion.

What you say is noted. He could be innocent but still it's strange and this relationship should stop until she gets older.

[unicornhappy]

Get out... simple... NO MAN WILL WAIT 4 ENTIRE YEARS FOR YOU!! he will break your heart.find some one around your age

I am sorry,