[chromesocks]

First of all, I say the "girl I'm dating" because she's always had an issue with the term girlfriend, saying she didn't want to feel owned. Her past relationships have been polar opposites, one was controlling, the other not caring and not showing affection what so ever. She was with the last one for seven years. A year went by and she met me. I'm 27 and she's 29. I don't get jealous or controlling, I'm a hopeless romantic that wears my heart on my sleeve. She said she's not used to that and before me she didn't think she could love the way she loves me. She likes to have control of her feelings, but when she's with me, she can't. She was even the first one to say that she's fallen in love with me.

We've been dating for four months now. Before she went on vacation we decided that when she got back we'd get a place together. She and her three sisters went to visit her family over in a communist third world country in asia, she hasn't been back since she and her family escaped there to come to America when she was three. I'm sure it was a tough time for her going back there. We kept in contact through these weeks, I told her a number of times how much I missed her and that I loved her. She told me twice and never said it first. Her sisters boyfriend and I picked them all up from the airport a little over a week ago. There, her sisters boyfriend proposed to her and she said yes.

During this past week that she's been back I've felt distant from her, a wall that has been put up and I didn't know why. I reach for her hand, and she doesn't want to hold it. I put my hand on her leg, and she moves her leg, she doesn't want to be as close to me as she used to. I asked a number of times what was going on, and she kept denying anything saying that it was the trip that threw her off. Yesterday, she finally told me what had been going on. Over there something happened to her, she doesn't know what. And then at the airport, the proposal made something click in her. She immediately put up a wall, wanting to slow things down with us. She says that she missed me incredibly over there and even on the plane back couldn't wait to be in my arms, but then when it happened, she just knew we had to slow down.

I'm incredibly weary of slowing things down, namely because it's such a drastic change. She used to sleep over 6 days a week, lives 30 min away, and made that trip every day. We'd spend all the time we had together. And if she wanted to go out with her friends, I'd completely support it. But if it's what needs to be done I'm all for it. Whatever I have to do to keep her in my life I'll do. But I want this wall taken down. I want the girl I fell in love with back. I want her affection back.

So really, I suppose I have a few questions. How do I slow things down, and how do I take this wall of hers down?

[jmjoseph]

Unfortunately, these are questions that you two are going to have to work out between yourselves.

You've only been together for four months, and that's not very long is it?

Don't force her into explaining what's going on in her head, give her space and time.

If it's meant to be, then it will.

Good luck.

[Cat1864]

I am a bit fuzzy on the time-line. You were dating for four months and then she went on this trip or does the four months include her trip?

How long was she gone?

It seems to me that things were going extremely quickly if you planned before she left to move in together when she got back.

Slow down by not moving in together. See each other slightly less and you go out with your friends like she does hers.

Be open to talking but do not push. She may be dealing with some culture shock and self-awareness. Let her re-learn who she is and build up her own concept of who she is as an individual. It has only been a week. Give it time.

Another point, do not expect things to go back to how they were. They can't. With patience, caring, and TIME, you can work together to make it better than it was. However, if you try to push too hard too fast, you will cause her to walk away.

[chromesocks]

I'm sorry, I thought I had said that in the post. We've been together for three months, she then left for three weeks, she's been back for a week. So we've been together for four months total.

We've already established that we won't be moving in together anytime soon. Also, I go out with my friends all the time, and same with her. She also hangs out with me and my friends and vice versa. I was just stating that I've never stopped her or prevented her from doing so.

Thank you for your input, I thought about culture shock before. But the way you put it seemed to strike a new view for me.

[chromesocks]

Okay, scratch that. Look below lol

[talaniman]

She is slowing things down, and either you adjust by paying attention, or lose her. I would follow her lead, and get something else to do those nights she doesn't sleep over.

Insecure, or inexperienced guys are the only ones in a hurry, and expect things to go backward.

[ISneezeFunny]

Hmm.. this happened to my ex a few years back... we were together for 3 years, and then when she went back to visit her country and came back entirely distant from me.

I made the fatal mistake of pushing her to the point where she distanced herself further from me.

Heed the advice from the previous posters. Give her the space. Check in every now and then to see what's going on, how she's doing, and eventually, if her feelings are the same for you, she'll come back. If you keep pushing her, calling/texting her, then she will be more and more distant.

[13sldr]

Granit this is a tad bit different.
But in a breifing I had last week. They said that when you come back from a deployment. The affection isn't going to be like what it was before you left. You had been separated from you significant other for "x" amount of months, in a set rutine(sp) of getting up, getting dressed, and woking. Nothing else. So it will take time for you affection be where it was. Almost like you are trying to re-get use to your significant other.

Like I said. The situation is a tad bit different. She went to a third world country. She probably saw some things. So just take it slow from here. It will get better.