[south68]

My 15 year old now wants to live with her father. We divorced a year ago after a marriage of ten years because he was abusive. She was, unfortunately, witness to some of it. He is a third stage alcoholic, slipping very quickly into fourth. Since the divorce he has attacked me verbally, saying that I had had multiple affairs which could not be further from the truth.
Over this past year, I have not interfered with contact between her and her father. The situation has been quite rocky and she would normally go over for an afternoon to see her step sisters and come back in tears because he had made her feel badly about the amount of child support he was paying, accusing me of not spending it on her. This is quite laughable as I've always provided quite nicely for her on my own. He made bad choices through the divorce process (buying a new car, keeping the house and buying me out of my half when he could have sold it etc) and now his precarious finances are, of course, my fault. This got to be so heartbreaking for her that she stopped contact with him for several months. As I understand it, it was his declaration that he didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore (after being unable to get her to join in his vicious attacks of me) also. And yes, I did try to speak with him about it and tell him how destructive it was but to no avail.

In any case, what has also paralleled this is that she has gotten mixed up with this really horrible boyfriend who's 2 years older than she and has the whole blaming everyone else for his problems thing going on as well. Although I do not approve of him, I saw forbidding her to see him as pushing her right into his arms (tried and tested this one). My rule was that she had to see him in our home when I was present or in public places. Still, he has managed to get right into her head and they now consider themselves 'engaged'. Shudder.

Recently, I made the decision to move to an apt closer to work. I thought this would be very good for her and put some space between her and the boyfriend. I asked her to give it a chance and that the school system was much better than the one we had been in--much more to do, bigger town, more school activities etc. She would be driving soon, there's email, cell phone, any way I could sell it and make it more appealing to her. She pitched a fit and has refused to move. She grabbed her things and informed me she is moving in with Dad. This was two weeks ago. Since then, things have deteriorated enormously. I emailed the ex, trying to get him to see her best interests and discuss the situation but he starts ranting about how I 'screwed around on him' instead (which is bizarre because if anyone knows what a load of junk that is, wouldn't that be me?? Aside from the fact that it's completely unproductive.)

Meanwhile, my daughter has apparently traveled to another planet. The accusations and poison coming from her are unbelievable. There are times I question whether it's actually her sending the texts, they are so awful and vicious. For example, she has told me that if I try to 'force' her to live with me, that she will accuse my older son, who has recently moved back from college, of molesting her. My gosh, I could barely type that, the situation is such a nightmare.

I don't know what to do here. I am caught between doing what is in her best interests (getting her the heck out of there) and protecting the rest of my family and myself from this onslaught. I had scheduled an appt with a counselor but she is refusing to go. Boot camp would be great but I can't afford it. What do I do?

[ScottGem]

First, its unclear whether she is living with you or not. If she is not, then you tell the father that, if he does not send her back, you will report him to the court since you have primary custody. If he wants to change the custody arrangement he has to do it through the court. Your daughter cannot decide where she wants to live until she is 18.

Second, did you involve your daughter in the decision to move? Did you really think uprooting her from her school, friends, etc was going to sit well with her? You should have tried to sell it by involving her in the decision, not presenting it as a fait accompli.

You are going to be a bad guy for awhile because of YOUR bad decisions.

[this8384]

My 15 year old now wants to live with her father. We divorced a year ago after a marriage of ten years because he was abusive. She was, unfortunately, witness to some of it. He is a third stage alcoholic, slipping very quickly into fourth. Since the divorce he has attacked me verbally, saying that I had had multiple affairs which could not be further from the truth.
Over this past year, I have not interfered with contact between her and her father. The situation has been quite rocky and she would normally go over for an afternoon to see her step sisters and come back in tears because he had made her feel badly about the amount of child support he was paying, accusing me of not spending it on her. This is quite laughable as I've always provided quite nicely for her on my own. He made bad choices through the divorce process (buying a new car, keeping the house and buying me out of my half when he could have sold it etc) and now his precarious finances are, of course, my fault. This got to be so heartbreaking for her that she stopped contact with him for several months. As I understand it, it was his declaration that he didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore (after being unable to get her to join in his vicious attacks of me) also. And yes, I did try to speak with him about it and tell him how destructive it was but to no avail.

In any case, what has also paralleled this is that she has gotten mixed up with this really horrible bf who's 2 years older than she and has the whole blaming everyone else for his problems thing going on as well. Although I do not approve of him, I saw forbidding her to see him as pushing her right into his arms (tried and tested this one). My rule was that she had to see him in our home when I was present or in public places. Still, he has managed to get right into her head and they now consider themselves 'engaged'. Shudder.

Recently, I made the decision to move to an apt closer to work. I thought this would be very good for her and put some space between her and the bf. I asked her to give it a chance and that the school system was much better than the one we had been in--much more to do, bigger town, more school activities etc. She would be driving soon, there's email, cell phone, any way I could sell it and make it more appealing to her. She pitched a fit and has refused to move. She grabbed her things and informed me she is moving in with Dad. This was two weeks ago. Since then, things have deteriorated enormously. I emailed the ex, trying to get him to see her best interests and discuss the situation but he starts ranting about how I 'screwed around on him' instead (which is bizarre because if anyone knows what a load of junk that is, wouldn't that be me??? Aside from the fact that it's completely unproductive.)

Meanwhile, my daughter has apparently traveled to another planet. The accusations and poison coming from her are unbelievable. There are times I question whether it's actually her sending the texts, they are so awful and vicious. For example, she has told me that if I try to 'force' her to live with me, that she will accuse my older son, who has recently moved back from college, of molesting her. My gosh, I could barely type that, the situation is such a nightmare.

I don't know what to do here. I am caught between doing what is in her best interests (getting her the heck out of there) and protecting the rest of my family and myself from this onslaught. I had scheduled an appt with a counselor but she is refusing to go. Boot camp would be great but I can't afford it. What do I do?

The easy answer is to go back to court - if the court order states that you are the primary custodial parent, then you need to make sure that order is enforced. If he really wants her around, he can file for placement change.

I'm going to step outside of the legal aspect of this for just a moment - my opinion is that you need to get your daughter to a therapist. NOW. She has witnessed physical abuse, been through a divorce, been a victim of emotional abuse on numerous counts, and been provided absolutely no stability for the past decade.

And I don't buy this baloney of "She won't go to therapy." Who's the parent in this situation?? You are - start acting like it.