[emily5]

Hi, I am an 18 year old girl and about to go to college in the fall. I have been feeling really "out of place" for the past couple years. I am very smart and I have a lot of talent, but I am just too scared that I will fail. I am probably very capable of getting a job, but I am so scared of the interview and/or doing something wrong that I haven't and won't look into it. I have a "perfect" family. No joke, it really gets on my nerves. Everything has to be done perfectly all the time.(They say to me just try your best and we will be happy, but I know that's not true. There expectations are very high) My sister is pretty laid back, yet everything seems to work out for her (without any effort on her part). I am the hardest worker ever!! I kill myself to get great grades in school, but still it annoys me that I am only in the top 5% of my class, because I know everyone else hasn't worked as hard as I did.

I used to be the star varsity basketball player at my high school sophomore year. Colleges were already looking at me. Then, junior year my coach got in my head and I was scared to do anything! I basically turned from being an all star to a scaredy-cat bench-warmer. I tore my acl at the end of my junior year, tried to make a come back senior year and just couldn't do it so I quit. That was probably the hardest thing I have had to face in high school. My coach just didn't understand and it's not like I stopped working hard. It was just too tough for me function while I was thinking about every consequence of missing a shot or doing anything wrong.

I also only have 1 really good friend. She is my best friend and we have talked about my problem together, and she said I need to tell my parents. I just can't though. They are perfect! I have tried to casually say it to my mom. But she just laughs… I guess that shows what kind of relationship I have with my family. Anyway I don't have any friends, but honestly I like being alone and doing nothing. That is where I get confused though. I don't know anyone like me. I am never happy and always prioritizing. I am the most reliable, punctual and I hate to say it but close to perfect individual. I never procrastinate because I know of the consequences in the future. This annoys me about myself.

I am just really worried about myself. I sit in my room all day. If I start playing a video game or reading a book for leisure, I stop myself and start preparing for college by looking over old chemistry notes and killing myself trying to memorize/practice things. (I know that's really strange…) I am sooooo up-tight, and I don't want to be this way anymore. But at the same time I do not want to waste my hard work that I have worked at for my entire life?


- Am I depressed? Or I was thinking anxiety disorder? Please help… I am very desperate at this point.

[KBC]

How are you today Emily?

Have things settled down since you wrote in?