[ltecr09]

When I was 23 (I am now 41) I was dating a guy who I fell madly in love with. At the time, he was 39. I stupidly broke up with him because I thought he was too old for me (even though I knew I loved him!). I was convinced that I just had to "bite the bullet" and get through it and I would eventually fall in love again but I wanted to spend my life with someone closer to my age. I just couldn't get past our age difference no matter how I tried. Well, to make a long story short ::) here I am, 18 years later, and there has not been one day where I did not think of this man at least once. I tried finding him 4 years ago by showing up at his favorite hang-out. Each time, I had just missed him. So I called and left 2 phone messages there for him but he never called. But I have no way of knowing if he even got the messages (it was a bar which his friend owned but the bartenders probably answered the phone). So now I am married to someone else for the past 2 years. Note how long after I broke up with this man that it took me to find a husband. My biggest fear now is that he (the ex) will never know that I've never forgotten and that I really never stopped loving him. A couple of times right after we broke up I was actually a bit rude to him which was just my way of handling the pain. He thought I was being foolish and didn't want the relationship to end. I need advice as to what to do and how to somehow let him know I will always be thinking of him, while doing it tactfully being that I am now married. And also to apologize. I know this all sounds crazy to worry like this after 18 years but I can't get around it. Thanks!
PS--what is even weirder is that I haven't seen or spoken to him at all in all these years so I also worry about the shock factor here!

[1finediva]

Hi, personally I think the best and easiest way to do it would be to call up a television show... I say that because people are doing that all the time. That way it won't seem to your new husband that you don't care about him because so many other people on the show will be doing the same thing it'll seem NORMAL. And when you get on the show tell your ex that you brought him all this way on national television to say you were sorry for how you acted and just to let him know that you never forgot about him, OK? And if you do decide to go on TV let me know when so I can see how it all turned out,OK? GOOD LUCK ;)

[olka]

It's no point for you to find him now that you are married. Meeting each other again after 18 years would only bring back the unhappy memories.
Everybody makes mistakes. You don't have to feel too bad about the fact that you made a wrong decision. You shouldn't dwell on the past. The present is much more important!
Even if you had married him, there's no guarantee that you & he would be happy together. Who knows?

[elina]

ltecr09, hi, both 1finediva and olka have really good points. 1finediva suggests to heck.. in today's liberal and wacky atmosphere of Jerry Springer, Montel Williams, Ricky Lake, and Dr. Phil, asking for the talk shows' help is not a bad idea. On the other hand, to avoid exposing yourself to any further fears and embarrassment, olka is right, too.

But, of course, all this is up to you. You can either find him yourself the very hard way and risk your ex-boyfriend not accepting your apology even after all these years, OR ask others for help to lessen that risk in a fun and very bold way.

Personally, I like 1finediva's idea. Being up on television and surprising your long lost ex-boyfriend is a super wonderful idea. That is because he would be more comfortable to show up and meet you at a place which he knows he's willing to go to, but which he has no idea beforehand what the surprise is all about.

So, I suggests why not give Dr. Phil a call? He would be perfect to help you out. And Dr. Phil's show seems to be the most "normal" out there, anyway  ;D,  thereby exposing you to less or no embarrasement when the show is over. And yes, do please let us know when you are going to be on the show.  We would love to see how everything turns out, and see what you two look like.  Please hurry, Dr. Phil is waiting... ;D 8)

[ltecr09]

To all who replied to my post,
Thank you for all your advice. I have to confess about what I did. Just shows that I am still a bit of a coward and immature. I decided to call his phone number which I found on the internet. I called when I knew he'd be at work (I actually remember his work hours from back then!). I got his machine and just listened to his outgoing message and hung up. I really expected to get all kinds of pangs and butterflies but I did not. I thought his voice sounded kind of sloppy and slurry. I called his number 3 times in 2 days and hung up each time--coward! It's so weird because it really didn't sound very different from what I remember but at the same time it DID sound different. Does that make sense? It kind of put me off him for a while but I still think of him and would still love to "run into him" somehow. I don't think I could handle the TV show thing. I would be way too embarrassed. I did picture it at times though. Ironically, the anniversary of the day we broke up just passed (10/16/85) so maybe that was why the memories got stronger then. Also, we just had that hurricane here (Isabel) and there was a hurricane when I was dating him (Gloria), so maybe that didn't help either. Weird. If anything transpires, I'll post it here.
Thanks again!

[elina]

ltecr09,OK...

But if you still would like to call him again, but... before you do that, you got to practice what you are going to say to him, or say when you leave a message.

Maybe, writing it down first to organize your thoughts and practicing it that way would relieve some of that stomach butterflies you had (and still have) each time you call him earlier.

Actually, the very act of writing down what you want to say will ease you down quite a bit. But you got to focus on what you would like to say, instead of seeing and conjuring up the worst in your mind just like when you call him.

[sierra1]

Hello,

Wow... That's a long time!! However I have to give my opion from the type of person that I am. Your married now, why don't you put all this energy into your marrige and move on, the time frame that has taken place, I really don't see a point in trying to contact this person. (I'm sure he is over it) I would spend my time and energy on my marrige, besides how would your husband feel if he found out about this... Good luck

[ltecr09]

Hey Sierra1,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I am sure he is over it too. In fact if he knew that every so often I go through this funk over the past, he would probably laugh himself silly. I dated him from August of '85 to October-November '85, so every time I go through this I notice that it is around that time of year. Also, the year I dated him we had a hurricane on September 27 and this year we had another hurricane in September. Note the date of my first post here--September 25! So I guess the funk was really at its prime. I know I will always think of this guy on an almost daily basis but I don't think I have the courage to try to find him. It would be too weird. But I have seen this kind of thing on shows like Oprah where people find their ex'es after more time than 18 years and they ended up back together, so go figure! Thanks again!

[bobabi]

Oh boy Don't be afraid anything is possible with love ANYTHING believe me. You have nothing to lose so what look it up call at least you know find out if he's married first if you can if not go ahead! Maybe you could email him through a classmate search or something. I am a sincere believer that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE in life don't have regrets we only get older. Don't worry just expect the worst and it only could be what you expected or better.

[bobabi]

Oh boy Don't be afraid anything is possible with love ANYTHING believe me. You have nothing to lose so what look it up call at least you know find out if he's married first if you can if not go ahead! Maybe you could email him through a classmate search or something. I am a sincere believer that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE in life don't have regrets we only get older. Don't worry just expect the worst and it only could be what you expected or better.

[bobabi]

Oops didn't see that your married. I don't know you need some soul searchin like myself I see... well good luck.

[Krystal]

She has nothing to lose? Nice.. . why not think of just ourselves? How much worse can we make the world?