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ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 03:42 PM

Sneezy here.

Oh boy, it's been a while since I've asked a question, but perhaps you wiser folks could give me some sort of wisdom.

So, I have a girlfriend. Things have been, for a lack of a better word, fantastic. Can't really complain much about the relationship.

I'm back here for the summer break, and we agreed on some bullet points for the summer... how often we should talk, how often we'll see one another, etc. And in all honesty, it went well.

I'm going back to school in a month, so I decided that I would take a month off from work to vacation and such... and what better place to go than to see my girlfriend?

So I "moved"... for a month. Rented a place, etc. The reasons I came here are not exactly solely for her. You see, my girlfriend (through her connections) offered me a position to work in a hospital part time. So the reasons I'm here is due to:

1. the hospital
2. to see her
3. vacation

Well, the day before I came here, her parents snooped around and found our chat conversations that weren't... well, kosher. I agree, any parent would be upset to find these things, so I'm not really disagreeing with them. What I am disagreeing with them on is that they have put her on intensive lockdown: no phone, no car, no computer. Nothing.

Might I remind my readers that I am 24, and she is 22... we are both in medical school.

So, I get that they're upset... I get that, but to place a grown woman in lockdown seems a little... overkill. Regardless, what's done is done, and I am now stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. No job, no transportation (the girlfriend was to handle this portion), no way of seeing the girlfriend, and certainly no vacation.

I'm getting by OK... I'm a big boy, and I'll be just fine. However, I need some of the parents' opinion on this. If you found out about the boyfriend, and you knew that your daughter were to leave for school in a month, wouldn't you rather invite the guy over to have a talk with him? Get to know him a little? Try to figure out if he's an axe murderer?

Now, I'm not saying that they shouldn't be upset. I completely understand that they are. I'm assuming that their method of placing her on lockdown is to... prevent her from reaching me, in hopes that... we'll break up? I'm not entirely sure.

Oh, to add... she wants to move out, however, in a brilliant scheme by her parents, they took her money before they let her know that they found out about all this. And no, she is not going to take them to court for it... nor is it advised to.

I am able to stay in touch with her via email every now and then... and last week, she took her lunch break from work to see me and we got her a prepaid cell phone so that I can AT LEAST know what's going on.

positiveparent · Jul 7, 2010, 03:51 PM

Hi Isneezefunny

How did your g/f parents find the contets of the chats you had with your girlfriend, and what they contained?

I agree with you it does seem strange them taking the lock down approach, have you not met them officially ?

Maybe you could go to visit them and explain your intentions are honourable with their Daughter, and that you've "moved" to where she is and that its ony for a short period.

Maybe they need to know more about you, and if you were to approach them in this way they would then feel differently about it and you and their daughter would be able to take up your original plans.

If it were my daughter, I would be more inclined to be accommodating if you were to pay myself and her father a visit in this way...

Hope this helps...

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 03:55 PM

Well, the "how" they snooped is a long story that involves several members of the family. Long story short: her computer was turned off, on her bed, and someone VERY nosy decided to turn it on, turn on the chat program, and look for our specific chat.

I have not yet met the parents formally... the meeting was scheduled for when I came down here. The parents DO know about me, hence the suspicion and thus the actions that followed those suspicions.

The conversation was a regular conversation, with a few sweet things inserted (I refuse to quote in an effort to hide my softiness) as well as a few... intimate details. We discussed about birth control options as well as a funny incident that occurred the last time we were intimate with one another.

I talked to the girlfriend about me talking to the parents (it would most likely be a call, as I have no transportation... but if push came to shove, I could get a cab), but her response was, "No. They don't want to see you, they don't want to talk to you, they don't even want to hear your name right now."

Granted, her mother is seemingly... flip-floppy. The other day, she mentioned to the girlfriend that in a few years, if we are still together, marriage may be an option.. . then yesterday, it went back to, "No you may not call him."

positiveparent · Jul 7, 2010, 04:07 PM

I assume you're in the USA, and as such things are very different there to the UK where I am, however everyone in the USA is considered an adult at age 21?

In which case if this is correct then she can basically do as she likes, unless Im wrong on the age 21 part.

If she's considered an adult then she does not have to abide by her parents rule although as she still lives at home then that could mean she's to abide by the rules in that aspect.

Have you tried to phone them yourself?
This does appear to be way over the top actions for a 22yr old having a personal chat with her b/f, its not like they caught you having sex or similar, and in real terms her private chats with you are her business.

Tricky one this, there are parents who are owed respect for being just that, there's your g/f boundaries and privacy which have been abused or ignored.

Your g/f is the one really who needs to take a stand over this with her parents.

Can she maybe talk this through with them and tell them that she wants to see you.

Im trying to think of other angles you could possibly use. Ill get back to you...

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 04:11 PM

In the states, 18 is the legal age to be considered an "adult."

You're absolutely right, I think this whole situation is entirely in the hands of my girlfriend now.

I wish · Jul 7, 2010, 04:35 PM

Unfortunately, she has strict parents. You can't change her parents' parental style. The first step is to accept her parents' wishes. As long as she's living in her home, she has to follow certain rules, regardless of how old she is.

Moving out is a definite option, but she will have to figure out how to accomplish that. The best thing you can do is support whatever decision that she makes.

Finally, be more cautious about the conversations that you have, in which there is a written record. You never know when something like this will happen.

She obviously has to leave her house sometimes. So when she's out, try your best to spend time with her. You're going to have to work around her parents temporarily, until her parents regain her trust.

The key is to be patient. If you really care about each other, you can wait it out together.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 04:43 PM

I agree with everything you say I Wish.

Her parents told her that they don't care if she moves out, but then drained her bank acct so that she can't... so I feel that moving out isn't the best option to take in the long run.

She goes to work in the morning, and stops by to drop off breakfast, we chat during her lunch break on the prepaid phone I got her, and then she stops by in the evening to drop off dinner. So far, I can't complain.

We're "working around" the parents as much as we can without disrespecting her parents too much. We'll catch each other for 10 - 15 minute increments.

I am being patient, honestly, it doesn't really bother me all TOO much, as I am on vacation, technically. I sleep in, I eat, I read, write, watch TV all day... so I can't complain. She feels guilty and she says that if it's too much for me to handle, she'd understand... logically speaking, that won't change a thing for me. I told her that if breaking up will make her life better, I'd understand, and she said that it wouldn't. So we'll be sticking this out. It's only been a week since I've been here, and granted, I've had some boring moments, but I guess I need it sometimes, to take a break. :)

I wish · Jul 7, 2010, 04:48 PM

Once you get back to school, you will have more than enough to keep you busy, so enjoy your time off.

As for seeing her, sounds like you're both making the best out of a bad situation. That's a sign of a strong couple. Now quit doubting each other and make the most of the time that you have together.

Spend some time trying to plan something extra special for those 10-15 minutes increments.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 04:50 PM

Good call on the "something special"... watcha have in mind? Remember that my resources are limited. The closest ANYTHING near me is a 2 mile walk to a local convenience store...

aimee_tt · Jul 7, 2010, 04:54 PM

The Girlfriend Needs to tell her parents to give her money back. She needs to change her bank details so they can not take money from her. Then If she pays her phone bill she needs to tell them to give her phone back.

She is 22 not 15. If her parents have these rules while she lives under their roof fine. But they cannot take her money from her. The only money they can touch of hers would be board money.

She can Threaten to take them to court if they don't give it back... Doesn't mean she has to but a threat doesn't hurt.

Also she needs to tell them to stop or she will move out. They can't stop her from leaving she is an adult.

I wish · Jul 7, 2010, 04:55 PM

You don't have to buy something. You can invent a fun, short game that you can play together, even a verbal game. Don't need to always think of something so grand.

Mix it up. You know her best. What kind of surprises does she like? Does she like pranks? Take her on a walk in a romantic setting. Take fun pictures together?

Wondergirl · Jul 7, 2010, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

Good call on the "something special"...watcha have in mind? Remember that my resources are limited. The closest ANYTHING near me is a 2 mile walk to a local convenience store...

Where ARE you? Is she Asian or from a fundamentalist Christian family? I don't understand the parents' "rules" and punishments. She's been away at college and can do anything she wants there. Even MY ultra-conservative parents loosened up their rules once I had been away at college.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 05:27 PM

Haha, I'm in the middle of nowhere currently.

She is Asian... and because of her strict upbringing, she went wild in college, then calmed down when she went to medical school. I think the parents are more upset because they think that she kept me a secret, but in her defense, she wanted to see where the relationship was going before she told her parents, and I was supposed to meet her parents sometime this week. Odd how things work out, huh?

hunnypooh97 · Jul 7, 2010, 07:23 PM

Hmm... this is a bit tricky.. its quite normal with a lot of asian parents.. and threatening usually doesn't work.. I am glad you both are trying to work with this situation though.. be patience.. hopefully things will improve soon.. hang in there.. :)

Cat1864 · Jul 7, 2010, 07:53 PM

Are they concerned that she will run off and quit medical school?

Unfortunately, it is between her and them. Not only because she lives under their roof, but because she has to show them that she has matured from the wild child.

I am wondering what else they found on her computer and if she has shared the full story with you or if she even has all the details. They may latched on to you as a convient excuse to put their foot down. You may not be the only reason.

Cloud watching can be a very romantic thing to do.

Shadowburn · Jul 7, 2010, 08:03 PM

Hi Sneezy, don't really have much of an advice, just wanted to say hi and that I remember your epic battle with NC, which turned out to be a very inspirational story. Good luck and hope things will work out between you and your girlfriend. It's out of your hands pretty much though. Can you rent a car so at least you can get around? Or maybe a bike? How do you get to the hospital now?

ISneezeFunny · Jul 7, 2010, 08:32 PM

Cat: I doubt that... granted, I'm sure that parents are worried that distractions will lead to academic failure. Funny thing is, because we push each other constantly, we actually do better academically when we are together.

You're right about the missing details. At times, I wonder if I'm getting the complete picture...

Shadow: Thanks buddy. I did rent a car the first few days here to get some stuff for my new place, but it cost me quite a bit. I'll be staying for a month, so I don't really have the budget to rent a car for a month (roughly 2k). I'm not working at the hospital currently... because you see... both her parents are doctors... in high places.

Shadowburn · Jul 7, 2010, 08:45 PM

Shadow: Thanks buddy. I did rent a car the first few days here to get some stuff for my new place, but it cost me quite a bit. I'll be staying for a month, so I don't really have the budget to rent a car for a month (roughly 2k). I'm not working at the hospital currently... because you see... both her parents are doctors... in high places.

Oh I got the "lockdown" part now, lol. Then maybe you could salvage whatever is left of summer break and go back to your home town to spend time with friends and family. Otherwise, sitting there without job or car and barely seeing the girl you came over to spend break with, seems like a waste of time - your plans fell through, so Plan B is needed. You'll make it up to each other when back in school:)

Stringer · Jul 7, 2010, 10:49 PM

Hey sneeze! Welcome back bud.

It is hard to really understand the control her parents have over her at 22. Although I can understand that love comes in many different packages.

I agree with what has been said, time should cure some of the problems but that doesn't help the present situation.

Hang in there if you love her and she loves you, it will find its own way...

Good to see you and good luck.

Stringer

Alty · Jul 7, 2010, 11:04 PM

Sneezy, you know how I feel about all of this, so I won't type out a 5 page post reiterating everything I've already told you. ;)

I think you've gotten great advice here, a mixture, so you have a few things to think over and hopefully everything that's been said can help you decide where to go from here.

In other words. Good luck. :)