[roogirl]

Wow isn't the word. You want a plan I got one.
1. Get off the pity pot
2. Get a job
3. Support yourself
4. divorce the bum
5.move on and get a life
If you spent as much emotion on motivating yourself, as you did being defensive, I have no doubt you will succeed.

Yeah and I've got a plan for you:

1. Unconvince yourself that I'm on the pity pot. I have issues that I need to address, I know what they are, and am seeking to address them. That does not constitute self-pity.
2. Please don't forget that I mentioned an income, which insinuates employment. I have a steady job.
3. My emotion has been reasonably well spent - I gained two qualifications this year, in order to assist me with getting a higher paid job. I'm now a qualified vocational education lecturer :). I'm looking for a job to suit my newly acquired qualifications. At the risk of sounding like I'm blowing my own trupmet, I think I've expended my negative emotion reasonably well.

That aside, it is a very good plan, and I will dig deep to try and execute it.

[talaniman]

Feels good to get it out doesn't it, and for the record you sounded to intelligent for a man to abuse you in this manner and not do something about it. I am harsh sometimes but I am so glad to know you have a fire in your belly. You will need it.

[SINGLE4]

Hi roogirl!

I send you hugs also!!

I went through a divorce myself where my parents "loved my (at the time) husband". That very much upset me that they sided with him and not myself. They knew he cheated but I guess they thought I should forgive. I could forgive but never forget especially if he continued in his ways! (Once a cheater... always a cheater)!

Their disapproval included "cornering me" at my home and literally pushing me around. This anger with them and not understanding why they were doing this to me, fueled my drive. This made me want to leave all the more because I told myself that this is my choice. When I initially told my parents that I was leaving my husband they said... "no your not"! I told them that I wasn't "asking permission"... I was "telling them".

Bottom line is that I did divorce my husband and my parents wrote me out of their lives for 2 1/2 years. I've been divorce for 6 years now and my relationship with my parents is even better now than when I was married. It was all worth it!

No man is going to determine my self-worth and it shouldn't yours either!

Good luck and PLEASE keep us posted!

[roogirl]

Hi Roogirl,

First, I hope you don't mind...but here is a well meaning hug {.........}

You sound like an incredibly sweet and considerate girl. And I think what everyone is trying to convey, is it is time for you to apply the same consideration for yourself.

If you can not come to terms with the thoughts of leaving him, which sounds permanent to you, then tell yourself it's a seperation. A seperation from this awful situtation you are in.

As far as worrying about everyone else, you need to think of your own health and state of mind. I know you still love him and are concerned that he is now in Iraq, and in your shoes, heaven only knows what I would do.

The empty condoms laying around is more than I can even digest. I am so sorry you had to endure that.

Gather yourself and your things and find a safe place. By safe I mean not living in an environment that is so unhealthy.

Val hit the nail on the head, you need to really think about all he had done to you, put that love aside and find that internal energy that will give you strenght to stand up and say ENOUGH! NO.

There has to be local places where you can find aid of some sort, to assist you and get on your feet.

You are drowning in all the difficulties which is preventing you from making a healthy start.
Seperate yourself from this situation. You owe the family no explanation and I am sure they will be there to offer support regardless of the fact of how they feel for him. You do not need your familes approval or anyones approval in striving for a healthier you.

As far as your husband (and it is hard for me to even refer to him as that, I am sorry), he will be okay, perhaps you do not tell him until he is home. It can wait, you telling him, but it can not wait for you to stay immersed in such a negative, unhealthy and more importantly undeserved environment.

Roo, of all the post I have ever read, yours has had the most effect on me. As Val said as well, I can feel the energy building up inside of me, so please take my energy as well.

I wish you the best and Roo you will be okay. You can do this. If you find and if or a but, or how can I, you just erase those thoughts out of your mind and get yourself going.

Will be sending you lots of good thoughts Roo.

My very best.

Allheart

(p.s. when you feel weak or undecided, just remember those condoms on the floor, sorry to bring that up, but that is just awful.) Oh boy!

Thanks for your hug, here's one back.

Yep I think you're right about worrying about everybody else. I never saw that until now. Perhaps that's what's making me feel trapped. Most things about this fiasco are obvious to me, but a lot of things still aren't. I've been slowly chipping away at this on my own, but every now and again I hit a brick wall and can't see past my nose.

Yep I agree with drowning in it, didn't see that either, maybe that's what's clouding my judgment and impairing my decision-making abilities. At the moment I don't know whether I'm Arthur or Martha.

As far as my health is concerned I've had all the relevant tests and it's all okay. I haven't allowed any intimacy to occur for a while - I wouldn't like him to cheat on his girlfriend now, would I. :)

Hi roogirl!

I send you hugs also!!!

I went through a divorce myself where my parents "loved my (at the time) husband". That very much upset me that they sided with him and not myself. They knew he cheated but I guess they thought I should forgive. I could forgive but never forget especially if he continued in his ways! (Once a cheater... always a cheater)!

Their disapproval included "cornering me" at my home and literally pushing me around. This anger with them and not understanding why they were doing this to me, fueled my drive. This made me want to leave all the more because I told myself that this is my choice. When I initially told my parents that I was leaving my husband they said... "no your not"! I told them that I wasn't "asking permission"... I was "telling them".

Bottom line is that I did divorce my husband and my parents wrote me out of their lives for 2 1/2 years. I've been divorce for 6 years now and my relationship with my parents is even better now than when I was married. It was all worth it!

No man is going to determine my self-worth and it shouldn't yours either!

Good luck and PLEASE keep us posted!

I am greatly relieved to hear that I'm not Robinson Crusoe as far as the family is concerned. At the same time, I am sorry that you had to endure that. With your parents writing you out of their lives - that was very extreme. But I am very happy that it is resolved and your relationship with them is even better than before.

[valinors_sorrow]

Sends you another big blast of energy along with a hug.
How's your exit strategy plan coming along Roo?

[roogirl]

roogirl,

So you are still with him, married and emotionally... obviously you have discussed his affairs...is he trying to keep you? Has he talked about stopping? Are you only staying with him cause he is in Iraq and you can't afford to live alone? Does he want to stay together or get divorced?

I spent 5+ years in the Army, and I am now in Afghanistan...So I am well aware of what Soldiers go through and the lows that they can steep to when they are away from their spouses. It makes me so angry when I see them taking advantage of their 'deployed' state and having affairs.... then their wives are either blind, knowing and pretend not to, or they know and move on.

How do you want to live your life? Do you really think that when he gets back that you will have a happy home? It has got to be hard to think of being on your own financially, and to feel like an outcast with the family. Can you go to the family members are express how confused you are?...that he has confessed his cheating and you just dont know what to do..?

I feel for you in this situation. I know you may feel like you don't want to cause any more stress on him while he is deployed to a war zone, but hun if he cheated on you confessed it, continued to cheat, and knows you are planning on leaving him....well he has brought all of this stress onto himself. If he is trying to keep you and stressing over you leaving him, well depending on if you feel you can wait until he gets back, then tell him you are separated from him until he gets back and then you guys can work on things...if you think you can do that...

If he doesnt seem to care either way...well then it doesnt matter to him, and its not causing him more stress...so if you can move on you really should...stop hurting yourself, you can find someone else who will truly care for you and not cheat.

As for the family...I really dont know what to say to that. it seems as though he talks to them more than you...that really sucks. but family should come first, so talk to those family members and just let them hear your side of things too, I hope that they will be there for you and listen.

Keep your head up, and dont do anything irrational. You can get through this emotionally and financially just take it day by day and make a plan for yourself. set some goals for moving out and moving on, figure out what you need to accomplish and get it done.

I personally would not take a man cheating on me continuously...that is just downright disrespectful, you deserve better than that!! But do what you need to do, be strong be confident.

Let us know what happens

First and foremost, thank you for putting yourself on the line to defend our countries. I hope the rest of your deployment in Afghanistan is uneventful and you return home safely and securely. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your comrades.

Is he trying to keep me? That is a very good question. He is giving me mixed signals, I can't decipher one way or the other. He gave no indication that he would stop his affairs. As far as I am able to ascertain, the Australian defence forces adopt a code of silence as far as that type of conduct is concerned. One person is quoted to have said 'as soon as you are a different postcode, married soldiers are not married anymore' Is that the same with the American defence forces? I'm curious to know.

Sends you another big blast of energy along with a hug.
How's your exit strategy plan coming along Roo?

Hi there.

I've taken physical steps, i.e. getting qualifications to improve my financial situation, but now I'm working on my head, trying to wade through the confusion/guilt side of things. Once I get that part out of the way, I'm sure things will become easier and clearer.

[valinors_sorrow]

Hi there.

I've taken physical steps, ie getting qualifications to improve my financial situation, but now I'm working on my head, trying to wade through the confusion/guilt side of things. Once I get that part out of the way, I'm sure things will become easier and clearer.

If I may... while it will be important to sift through the wreckage and look at your part in it, I would like to assure you that is a natural part of the grieving process and will naturally occur in it... later, after the relationship has ended. Yes its ended by us while we are feeling sad, really sad. But try not to sidetrack into the sorting stuff emotionally just yet because it can really take away your focus on solution and your momentum to solve? Time instead to reinvent you, the one who believes that love also means honor...

[talaniman]

He did this to you, and in no way are you responsible for his bad actions. It takes time to overcome these feelings. As Val pointed out focusing on accomplishing your plan will push those feeligs aside. Much Luck.

[lil_mandy]

A person that is married as long as have been , and have forgiven your husband , shows that you are a very loving consdierate person , however theses trates can be a bad omen as well as it makes you weakier emotionally ( i.e. mentally) because you depend on having everything perfect (marriage and all ) .I am not saying that you are weak certainly not , to still be with a man that has cheated on you shows some strength and patience on your part very good .

However you really need to move on your , husband is a cheat and if he loved and respected you in the first place he wouldn't have did such things behind your back ( as harsh as that sounds).you need to contact your husband i.e. write a letter , or when is on leave get him sat down and told in no lamine terms you want a divorce or serperation which ever you chose .

Find a job ( if you don't have one ) , start looking for a place even with the dogs :) so that you can feel free and idependent .Your family should know / be told something about it like it if you move in with them a while again up to... the suggestions are there , but please see the reality you need your life back in order and away from a (cheating , disrespectful husband)
Your family if they don't like the idea of you divorcing or that should love , respect you no matter what you do .

Good luck with your future which every path you chose please keep up to date with which way you go .

[roogirl]

A person that is married as long as have been , and have forgiven your husband , shows that you are a very loving consdierate person , however theses trates can be a bad omen as well as it makes you weakier emotionally ( ie mentally) because you depend on having everything perfect (marriage and all ) .i am not sayin that you are weak certainly not , to still be with a man that has cheated on you shows some strength and patience on your part very good .

However you really need to move on your , husband is a cheat and if he loved and respected you in the first place he wouldnt have did such things behind your back ( as harsh as that sounds).you need to contact your husband ie write a letter , or when is on leave get him sat down and told in no lamine terms you want a divorce or serperation which ever you chose .

Find a job ( if you dont have one ) , start looking for a place even with the dogs :) so that you can feel free and idependent .Your family should know / be told something about it like it if you move in with them a while again up to ... the suggestions are there , but please see the reality you need your life back in order and away from a (cheating , disrespectful husband)
Your family if they dont like the idea of you divorcing or that should love , respect you no matter what you do .

Good luck with your future which every path you chose please keep up to date with which way you go .

Hi Mandy

Funny how your post should appear out of the blue - just as I was thinking about this whole mess. He is back home at present, and will go back overseas next week. I've got the affidavits ready, the divorce papers ready and guess what? I just can't do it! It's ridiculous, isn't it? Even I can see the absurdity of the whole thing, but I just can't beat it. I have a job but rent is very expensive in this country at the moment and more often than not surpasses my income. I'm trying to get a better paid job. Any rate, I am definitely emotionally weak - I figured that out by myself today. I am very dependent on him emotionally, I'm the one that feels like I have to apologise to him - for not making him happy enough at home, therefore he has to seek what he is missing elsewhere.
A couple of days ago, I even saw that he had subscribed to some swinger's website. One would think that that would have been enough to tip me over the edge and make me pack up and go - but guess what? It hasn't! I now feel even more guilty because I'm obviously a very crappy lover. I know it's ridiculous - but I just can't crack this one.

I'm thinking maybe I've somehow brainwashed myself into thinking this way, or maybe it's symptomatic of some sort of mental abuse? I don't know, the only thing I know is that I can't fight my way out of a wet paper bag and I've got no bloody clue how to fix it. Counselling does not work - tried it. You are basically paying somebody to tell you what you already know, they won't tell you how to fix it. Stuff it, bugger it, to hell with it.

[talaniman]

Hi Roo, We all get those feelings of being helpless when there is something we need to do and the obstacles are so big in front of us. Just a thought though, am I right that you may not have close friends or family that can lend support and advice, of a personal nature, someone you really trust? Some times we try to make big changes and can become overwhelmed by the enormity of it all but when we break it down to smaller more manageable steps it's a lot easier and our confidence grows. You have your paper work, so now all you need is the means to take care of yourself which could involve classes or vocational training to be qualified for getting paid someday. The best jobs are those you like, so start there and make a list of the things you would like to do and get paid for, and then see what it takes to be qualified. Just check it out and see what you come up with. There is no hurry for anything so remember, small steps.

[Kiddybaby]

It must be very tough for you. If you have found evidence then he does not even have the decency not to expose you to that. Is this how you wish to live another 17 years of your life? You don't have the heart to leave him while serving but he has the heart to cheat on you. That is such a disrespect. We are not talking about 1 affair... how many times would be enough for you. Would he have to cheat on you 50 times... by then would he be coming home to you with aids... who knows. Is your life worth that? Nothing is wrong with loving your husband but obviously you are not happy with the situation or you wouldn't be sharing this with us. In your heart you know what is right and what is wrong. Money is not an excuse to stay... it is not going to be easy but you can do it. When I was 19 I had an abusive boyfriend and a 2 year old daughter. After a year of living with him and the abuse I packed up our things and went to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks and eventually moved out into my own place and now my daughter is 16 years old and she is fine. My point is I did it with a baby you can do it too.

[chasesmommy]

Forget if he's over in Iraq. Bottom line, he cheated on you & didn't care about what it would do to you. And if it's your family that's basically taking his side, well you're better off without them too. No offense, I know it's family. But I can honestly say if my husband cheated on me, my Dad would not only support my decision, he'd be saying - you'll come live with us & get on your feet. -

My true advice is: Leave him, he's not worth it. And so he's over fighting a war, that doesn't mean he can treat you like garbage. While you don't want to cause him more stress, he brought it on himself. All you have to do is say - I hope you have a safe return but I won't be here when you get home!

If you do stay with him, please use protection. Just because you found a condom wrapper doesn't mean he always uses them & you don't need to contract anything. Good luck!

[roogirl]

Yeah I get your point; since you mentioned you left and you had a baby as well, you are basically telling me that there are other people worse off than me, is that right? And that since there are other people worse off than me, it should be comparatively easier for me, correct? Wrong!

Hi Roo, We all get those feelings of being helpless when there is something we need to do and the obstacles are so big in front of us. Just a thought though, am I right that you may not have close friends or family that can lend support and advice, of a personal nature, someone you really trust? Some times we try to make big changes and can become overwhelmed by the enormity of it all but when we break it down to smaller more manageable steps its a lot easier and our confidence grows. You have your paper work, so now all you need is the means to take care of yourself which could involve classes or vocational training to be qualified for getting paid someday. The best jobs are those you like, so start there and make a list of the things you would like to do and get paid for, and then see what it takes to be qualified. Just check it out and see what you come up with. There is no hurry for anything so remember, small steps.

Yes, thanks, I got 3 vocational quals last year, and am still looking for a higher income. I'm doing all I can. I have to stop being weak, I just have to find out how to cure that first. Small steps is a good way, too.

[talaniman]

I really believe you are stronger than you think as you already have a plan and have taken steps to make that plan work, that's not the signs of weak. Stop telling yourself that you are weak, and tell that person in the mirror how much you love them and soon they will be free. Do this twice a day and you will at least stop being your worst enemy. No excuses, that's a sign of weakness.

[Kiddybaby]

My point is not that there are people out there worst off than you. My point is that anything is possible once you make a choice to improve your life situation. Our worst enemy is our own inner fear. Stop telling yourself that you can't and just know you can. There is nothing that we can't do, or there is nothing that is impossible. I guess it is just easier to stay with someone who has no respect for your feelings than to believe in who you are and stand on your own 2 feet. Because he supports you do you think that is good reason for him to treat you like this. Do you feel unworthy because you are not independent? I have been dependent on others for things and still never allowed them to treat me badly because I have always been aware of my potential. I am in a better situation now but no matter what the situation I will never allow anyone to treat me like garbage.

[roogirl]

An update. Over the past year, I've been dogged with guilt, irrational fear, anxiety, depression, helplessness just to name a few. I came across this website called In Touch Ministries. I read some stuff about some of the things I mentioned, and followed the instructions, and guess what all the bad stuff is gone - just like that. I also watched a sermon online and it taught you how to give your problems to God to fix, because I sure as hell can't fix them. I found inner peace that has eluded me for so long. My head is clear now, and I am able to enjoy rational thinking, and my decision making abilities have returned. Hubby came home for a week on leave, we talked, he doesn't want me to leave, but I said no I got to go. I just have to take the physical steps and actually do what I said I would do, I don't quite know how, but I think it will happen soon. Thing is, I'm not scared anymore, whatever the outcome, God's in control now.

[Allheart]

Roo,

I am so glad you were able to find some internal peace. I was taught that many years ago, that we do need to hand things over to God. To have faith, believe and trust Him.

We of course have to do what we can with the abilities he has blessed us with. I forget so many times to do just what you have shared and to turn and give our worries, our fears to Him.

There is a peace that is achieved when you do this. Praying helps as well. Someone once shared that when you pray, you can talk to God, just like he is your father. He is are father, but it helps to not make the prayer so formal. You can just open your heart to Him and let it pour all out.

Oh I wish you the best Roogirl and will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for reminding me who is actually in charge ;)

[Geoffersonairplane]

Roo,

I am so glad you were able to find some internal peace. I was taught that many years ago, that we do need to hand things over to God. To have faith, believe and trust Him.

We of course have to do what we can with the abilities he has blessed us with. I forget so many times to do just what you have shared and to turn and give our worries, our fears to Him.

There is a peace that is achieved when you do this. Praying helps as well. Someone once shared that when you pray, you can talk to God, just like he is your father. He is are father, but it helps to not make the prayer so formal. You can just open your heart to Him and let it pour all out.

Oh I wish you the best Roogirl and will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you for reminding me who is actually in charge ;)

A good friend once told me...

If you take 2 steps back away from God, God takes one step forward to you,
If you take two steps forward to God, God takes a thousand steps forward to you.

[Allheart]

God is always there for us. He will never turn his back on us. It is we who turn our back on him.

I do it all the time. I don't mean to, but you get so caught up with life, and forget.

I remember in school they told us, it is so easy to pray for those we love, we need to pray for those who cause us the most pain. Well, I really try and do that, but then sometimes I forget that too. But it really does help. For instance, if someone upset me, or there was some strain, I would sit and stoo, but then I would remember to pray for them, and honestly, once I saw that person again, the strain was completely gone.

Sorry, think I have a bit of banging on syndrome going on:D

Thanks Geoff for sharing that.