[AlleyCat.DO02]

Ok, so last October I was contacted about adopting one teenager, a 14 year old girl, who's mother had recently died of cancer and who's father was arrested a week later for the rape and murder of a teenage girl. From the information I was given, I was expecting an easy and smooth adoption.

Was told, she has a very high IQ (Was taking high school courses in 8th grade, including calculus, and was straight A's), very athletic, extremely responsible (Doing all the grocery shopping and babysitting to bring in money when she wasn't in school. Took full care of her younger sister.), No behavior problems in or out of school. Didn't really figure these things would change.

So the first week or two with her was OK. She was quiet and didn't eat much, so I began to encourage her to eat. She would often just flat out refuse. She never behaved in church, (I'm catholic, she's Baptist) it wasn't her religion, and often caused quite a scene by refusing to pray to Virgin Mary and other things such as that. When this sort of thing happened I would just remove her from the church and send her to her room for the rest of the day.

That December, I decided to move her into an all girls catholic private school. I figured it might help her understand the religion and such better. So I went up to tell her during Christmas break, and she starts screaming at language (She speaks Norwegian, Spanish, and Chinese in addition to English).

After that things really turned for the worst, she was rude and refused to obey household rules or do chores. In the school, (She was back in 8th grade courses, also with no music or athletics) her teachers said that she was very smart, but was rude and disobedient, and often used inappropriate language. This resulted in several days of ISS in addition to detentions , etc. In public I am constantly embarrassed by her behavior. She's 14, but seems to be acting as if she's 2 (screaming and throwing fits in stores, refusing to cooperate). Got to the point where I tried getting a babysitter, but she constantly scared them off.

After that, I figured I had better find a punishment that works with her, since these things obviously aren't going to fix themselves. I've tried several things, washing her mouth out with soap for cursing, having her stand in the corner, grounding (not much I can take away, no computer, phone, etc.), early bedtimes, extra chores (which she doesn't do anyways).

Never before had she used an kind of physical force to resist me, but the other day in the super market she ran into and old friend, when I said it was time to go, I got a typical just a minute. I said, “No, now,” and grabbed her wrist. She proceeded to turn around slap my arm. She clearly wasn't using full strength, but it left quite a bruise. I took her home, grounded her to her room with an early bedtime, but I doubt that it will have an effect.

I'm running out of options, would it be wrong to try spanking her? If so, what else should I do?

[cdad]

For one thing you might try understanding what her feelings might be. Instead of pushing your religion at her you maybe should have tried to connect with her and visited a baptist church. Many have great youth programs. Also have you sat her down and just talked. The child has had an extremely tough time. If you make incentives for her rather then demands you might get farther. She has to be bright with knowing all the languages. So start by giving her credit. When you ask her things don't ask direct questions like interogation but ask open ended ones. It might not be the style your used to but you need to connect with this child and find out what's really going on. Was the child that was raped a friend of hers? Maybe a cellphone so long as chores are getting done. Or something. But you need to figure out to connect and have her confide in you rather then just the conflict. Its tearing the both of you apart.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well first, how dare you try and force your religion on her. And of course Catholics don't pray to Mary, they ask her to intercede to Jesus for them. So I may suggest learning some about your own faith.

And why not a Private school, not a Catholic school, sorry but at 14 she has her own religious faith that you did not respect.

Remember many baptist believe that Catholics are worshiping the devil, or are part of the anitchrist, so this is not something that will change, or change quickly anyway.

You are not giving her any respect to her beleifs, so why should she then respect anything you want.

Allow her to be picked up by a church bus to go to her faith, allow her a chance to go to a school where she is not taught her entire faith is wrong.

That is just the start

[give2me1lemons]

First, I'm 19, not a parent..

But from my perspective, I think you are being a little hard on her. It sounds like she was the provider and second in command if not head of household. Now she is playing the part of child, and while she is not an adult, she is not seven either. It's probably hard for her to step back on her responsibilties and let someone else control her life for the first time in who knows how long.

Also, I think some of your punishments are not age appropriate. I definitely would not recommend spanking her. Standing in the corner/time outs are more for young children, in my opinion. She seems a little old for a babysitter as well, unless she can't be trusted home alone (destroys the house, runs away, does illicit activities, etc). Washing her mouth out with soap just sounds cruel to me. I think it's a little outdated.

As far as her religion, maybe she strongly believes in Baptist teachings. Maybe she doesn't believe in anything. I don't know, but you can't make someone believe in something if they don't. Putting her in a Catholic school, without even consulting her or explaining your reasons to her, might have seriously offended her. She's young, but she's not so young as to not have her own beliefs and identity.

Maybe try talking to her more and hearing her opinion on matters. If you show her you are willing to respect her and compromise, she may be more mild mannered.

Lastly, her mom just died. Her dad is a rapist and murderer. She has been separated from her sister. Of course she is acting out. Her life is in shambles, and she doesn't know you yet. Give her some time.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, spanking a 14 year old, sorry I fee you had this perfect child idea, and really are trying to treat her like a much smaller child. Not a teenager and one nearly grown. Most of her character , most of her morals are set with just some ability to change things over longer periods.

Allow her to be who she is, not who you want to make her.

[J_9]

Unfortunately you took in a child with a TON of baggage. You cannot expect her to just throw her past out the window. I'm extremely surprised to hear that you expected this to be easy and smooth.

Is she in counseling? If not, she really needs to be. She most likely watched her mother suffer and die, then to top it off her father is a rapist and murderer. Now, she is in a completely new environment with new people and new rules.

She's a human, not a dog. She has feelings. Her life has been turned upside down and you expect perfection?

You all should really be in counseling if you are not already.

[Kitkat22]

Why did you adopt this child?
You thought you were getting a perfect child?

This girl has lost her mother and her father is in prison for a crime that is incomprehensible to me.
Did you not take into account that she might be traumatized by the events in her life?

Maybe you thought it would make you look good in the eyes of the church. I don't understand your way of thinking at all. You try to stuff your religion down the throat
Of a fourteen year old girl who was raised Baptist.

This girl needs to be in a Catholic Church like I need to be in a brothel. Put her in a private school or public school. Try loving her instead of criticizing.

Imagine how deeply she's hurting
And you standing her in a corner like a two year old isn't going to get you anywhere.

I'll guarantee some of your friends who are Catholic would have handled this with love and compassion. Try to be a mother.

[ronnieroo]

Firstly, let me say that I'm the child in question here, and that if you don't want me to know about things, don't leave them open on your desktop.

Let clear a few things up first, I never cussed at any of my teachers. I did argue with them regularly. What did you expect? I'm being stuck back in courses with information that I learned in 4th and 5th grade. I can't keep in touch with any friends, you won't let me play my instrument, I'm not allowed to run track or play volley ball.

I will never convert to catholic, do whatever you please to me, drag me to church every Sunday, but I will not become catholic. You refuse to listen to me when I try to explain that in my eyes, those things are sins.

Your household rules are unrealistic. In bed at 8pm, eat all your food (if I eat all the food you serve me, I will throw up. I can not go from eating no meat at all to eating two or three portions a day.), and if you told me what chores you want me to do, I might actually do them.

I do not need a babysitter, (Never destroyed anything, I have "ran away" a few times, but only for the sake of running, 5 years of running track doesn't fall easily.) I will not tolerate one, especially if they're only a year older then me.

You've done stupid and ridiculous things in attempt to get me to do things, and if you wish to continue, go right ahead. If you choose to spank me, I will warn you that my biological father would come home drunk and beat me and my mother, nothing you do will even phase me.

To the people reading this, I know I may seem bratty or obnoxious, and you have every right to view me as such, but before you judge, I would like you to try and understand my part of this story.

My average day before all of this was waking up at about four in the morning and finishing homework/studying. At six I would wake my sister up and if we were at someone elses' home their children as well (I babysat kids who's parents worked from 9pm to 6am). I got the kids ready for school, walked them to school, and walked to my school. School all day, and after school either rehearsals or practice for varying sports. Go home and do chores, study, or just take care of other things (groceries, dinner etc) until about 8:30, then me and my sister would walk to my clients' house. I would get the kids ready for bed and then study until about 11. Then it started over.

I used to be kind of disappointed that I never really got to hang out with my friends or do things that "normal" teens could do. It was looking like I would graduate from high school two years early and be able to apply for scholarships to go to college. Now I'm back in 8th grade courses, and have lost all of that.

If I had known what was coming, I never would've disliked it for a second. I miss my teachers, I miss the kids that I took care of, I miss being responsible, I miss my parents, I miss running track and playing oboe, I miss having to study hours on end to ace tests, most of all, I miss my little sister. I miss seeing her achieve things and hearing her laugh and smile. I miss walking her home from school and hearing her tell me all about her day. I know the adults reading this will think this sounds ridiculous, but she was like a child to me. And now I'm crying again. Sighs.

This has been a huge change for me, and I'm doing the best I can to try and deal with it. If you really don't want to deal with me, please just put me back up for adoption. I wouldn't mind being in a home with other kids or being bounced between foster homes.

[Kitkat22]

Firstly, let me say that I'm the child in question here, and that if you don't want me to know about things, don't leave them open on your desktop.

Let clear a few things up first, I never cussed at any of my teachers. I did argue with them regularly. What did you expect? I'm being stuck back in courses with information that I learned in 4th and 5th grade. I can't keep in touch with any friends, you won't let me play my instrument, I'm not allowed to run track or play volley ball.

I will never convert to catholic, do whatever you please to me, drag me to church every sunday, but I will not become catholic. You refuse to listen to me when I try to explain that in my eyes, those things are sins.

Your household rules are unrealistic. In bed at 8pm, eat all your food (if I eat all the food you serve me, I will throw up. I can not go from eating no meat at all to eating two or three portions a day.), and if you told me what chores you want me to do, I might actually do them.

I do not need a babysitter, (Never destroyed anything, I have "ran away" a few times, but only for the sake of running, 5 years of running track doesn't fall easily.) I will not tolerate one, especially if they're only a year older then me.

You've done stupid and ridiculous things in attempt to get me to do things, and if you wish to continue, go right ahead. If you choose to spank me, I will go ahead and warn you that my biological father would come home drunk and beat me and my mother, nothing you do will even phase me.

To the people reading this, I know I may seem bratty or obnoxious, and you have every right to view me as such, but before you judge, I would like you to try and understand my part of this story.

My average day before all of this was waking up at about four in the morning and finishing homework/studying. At six I would wake my sister up and if we were at someone elses' home their children as well (I babysat kids who's parents worked from 9pm to 6am). I got the kids ready for school, walked them to school, and walked to my school. School all day, and after school either rehearsals or practice for varying sports. Go home and do chores, study, or just take care of other things (groceries, dinner etc) until about 8:30, then me and my sister would walk to my clients' house. I would get the kids ready for bed and then study until about 11. Then it started over.

I used to be kind of dissappointed that I never really got to hang out with my friends or do things that "normal" teens could do. It was looking like I would graduate from high school two years early and be able to apply for scholarships to go to college. Now I'm back in 8th grade courses, and have lost all of that.

If I had known what was coming, I never would've disliked it for a second. I miss my teachers, I miss the kids that I took care of, I miss being responsible, I miss my parents, I miss running track and playing oboe, I miss having to study hours on end to ace tests, most of all, I miss my little sister. I miss seeing her achieve things and hearing her laugh and smile. I miss walking her home from school and hearing her tell me all about her day. I know the adults reading this will think this sounds ridiculous, but she was like a child to me. And now I'm crying again. Sighs.

This has been a huge change for me, and I'm doing the best I can to try and deal with it. If you really don't want to deal with me, please just put me back up for adoption. I wouldn't mind being in a home with other kids or being bounced between foster homes.

Listen Sweetie.. we understand and we are here for you. You hang in there and never let anyone try to take away your beliefs in your salvation or yourself. You are in my prayers and I'm so so very sorry you are going through this.

[cdad]

If you notice. The adults here support your opinions. Hope things work for the best.

[Fr_Chuck]

The parent and child posts were done on the same computer ( if anyone was wondering) they have the same IP address.

Something a little funny with the IP address, won't go into details but something seems off with them. Too late to keep playing with them

[Kitkat22]

The parent and child posts were done on the same computer ( if anyone was wondering) they have the same IP address.

She said the stepmon left it on her desk??

[Fr_Chuck]

Don't see the stepmom reference ?

[Alty]

Count me as another supporter. Your adoptive mother is in the wrong here. In fact, I'm biting my tongue very hard because there's so much I'd really love to say to her, but it's best not to.

You went through hell, and now it seems you're living in it permanently.

The good news is, you're 14. Four more years and you're an adult. You're a smart girl, so there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to move out when you're old enough.

I can only imagine how hard all of this is, but don't let this dictate your life. This is just a temporary situation. Do your best in school, don't give that up, it's a gift, and you have it, it's all yours, no one can take that from you. So ace school, get a scholarship, go to college, do your best to to avoid confrontation with your adopted mother (I know that's not easy, but try) and then leave when you're 18.

Think of this as a jail sentence, which is what it seems to be. You're out in 4 years. Do your time, then you're free.

Here's the truly scary part. Your step mom wrote her post thinking people would read it and tell her that she's a saint, that she did so much for you, that we all feel for her. That's the dream world she lives in. I'm sure she didn't even mention half the things she actually does to you. People tend to paint a pretty picture of themselves, but she still came out looking like a monster.

I feel so bad for you. You're too young to have suffered so much, to suffer more. I wish I could just pick you up, bring you to my place, let you be what you are, a 14 year child. I just can't understand why your step mom even adopted you to begin with. This woman should not have children.

Just my opinion. All I can do is wish you all the best.

[Fr_Chuck]

And of course if the new mother is not being realistic, go to the Texas Children services and see if they can help. There has to be home interviews, and surely they still have someone checking on the adoption ?

[Kitkat22]

And of course if the new mother is not being realistic, go to the Texas Children services and see if they can help. there has to be home interviews, and surely they still have someone checking on the adoption ?

Good for you Friar Chuck!

[Alty]

The parent and child posts were done on the same computer ( if anyone was wondering) they have the same IP address.

something alittle funny with the IP address, won't go into details but something seems off with them. too late to keep playing with them

The child did say that the OP left this up on her desktop. Same computer makes sense.

As for IP address, I don't know anything about that anyway. It may as well be arabic to me. ;)

[Kitkat22]

All of us are worried about you. Please don't stop posting.
We can help you work out your problems. Please let us help

[Kitkat22]

Please come back and at least let us know if you are all right! It isn't fair to get people all upset and then just stop posting.

[Alty]

Please come back and at least let us know if you are alright! It isn't fair to get people all upset and then just stop posting.

She may not have a choice Kit.

In the OP, the adopted mom said that the girl doesn't have a computer or anything else to take away as punishment.

The girl posted because she found the computer on and this thread was up. She may not have the chance to post again.

Also, it seems like she's a prisoner in that home, so even if she had access to a computer, she's probably not able to get away and post.