[viking]

Sounds suspicious to me. If she has so little time and she is in love with you then why would she go to her friends house and not even talk to you that night and takl to you for a while? Long distances kill romance. I recommend closing the distance as soon as possible.

[Maki]

Thanks for your advice Viking, I'm trying very hard to close the distance as fast as I can. If she won't be able to move here, then I'm thinking about just packin up everything and going to her. As far as her not liking where she lives, when she's ready, we'll both move elsewhere. Thanks again for your help.

[Dreamer]

Hey Maki,

What a tough situation you're in. Long distance relationships are a handfull. I was in one for about 3.5 years. I can tell you that every long distance relationship does come to a point where the distance will no longer work and a move is required to make things happen. However, both parties have to want this. Something isn't quite right when you mention to her that you'll move there and she comes up with a reply to you of, "I don't want to stay here." I know this is very very hard to think about, but just make sure that you are protecting yourself from getting hurt as well. Since the phone, e-mail, computer, and occasional visits are the only long distance relationship communication, you have to be careful. I am not implying that she would do such a thing as cheat (please understand this), but there is, like Viking said, a little suspicion here.

Best advice I can think of is to talk to her about you moving to where she is, very seriously. If she keeps turning you down, I would really think about what's going on. Why would someone who adores the person they're with and want to spend the rest of their life with, turn down a chance to no longer be at distance from them?

Best wishes to you. I sincerely hope all goes well for you both!

[Maki]

Thank you for your advice, and I understand exactly what you were talking about. I have thought that maybe there is something going on but most times I just think my mind is playing tricks on me, so I just quit thinking about it. I hate to ask her if she's cheating or if she's ever cheated on me, because I'm worried that maybe she'll think I don't trust her and I don't want her to think that at all. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt by not worrying about it, so who knows. I really want us to work out, cause I love her so very much and I just can't stand to think of losing her. Since we've been together, we've both promised each other we wouldn't hurt one another, so hopefully, she's just really busy w/ work and there's nothing to worry about. Of course, I know how that can work, because I just had a friend who was dumped by the love of his life for the girlfriend's ex-husband, after she told him the very same thing. I don't know what to do really, but I really appreciate your advice.

Maki

[Dreamer]

Maki,

I understand your pain perfectly. Bringing up an issue like cheating is one of the most difficult things to do in a relationship, especially when the whole idea of a long distance relationship is to trust. However, one has to question it every now and then. The only problem is, she is not going to give you an honest answer until she is ready to share that information with you. I am sure she is a wonderful person & hopefully she would not string you along while she is off living her own life. I can only hope that is not the case, as I'm sure you do too.

Unfortunately, these talks about hard issues do become necessary at some point or another. It can either make or break the relationship. However, if she loves you like she claims to, she will understand and will be willing to talk about these things with you. I know how much you must love her & I know that just makes things all the more complicated. Hopefully she respects you enough to realize that and be 100% honest with you. Like you mentioned, people get screwed over by their "loved ones" too often, like your friend did. Just be careful is all I'm saying. I know that you will be.

Also, please don't be naïve... if your heart is telling you something is wrong, the best thing you can do is listen to it. It usually does not lead you wrong. Ok?

[Maki]

Yeah I understand completely what you're saying. There for a while I followed my heart when I liked what it was saying, you know? But then I realized that it's also telling me stuff that I don't really want to hear but I need to know. I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I think it does. We have always had a very open relationship. As far as I know, we don't have any secrets between us, or anything like that. But sometimes I get a weird feeling like she's wanting to tell me something but she can't, or maybe she can but she doesn't want to.

One of the reasons I don't think she is cheating on me is because for the last few months, she's been talking about how she's wanting us to have a baby, which I'm all for, but I just don't see how she wants to do that if we can't be together. I'm not just going to go see her, try and get pregnant, and come home, that's not my idea of having a baby. I want to be there through every minute of it, I want to go to the doctor for the check-ups w/ her, I want to go to the birthing classes, and I definitely want to be there for the delivery. We've even come up w/ a couple of names.

I'm just so confused on what to do anymore. I'm about half tempted to go for a surprise visit for a few days, just so we can sit down and have a serious conversation. If she has cheated on me before, I'm willing to give her a second chance, just because I love her, but it would really take a lot of time for her to earn my trust again.

Thanks again for your advice.

Maki

[Dreamer]

You're welcome for my advice. I hope that in some way it has helped you or comforted you.

You know, I must give you much recognition for being such a gentleman. Your idea of being a father is definitely the proper way. I can only imagine how much it would tear you apart to hear how much pain she's in during pregnancy and you can't be there for it. That to me also just does not seem right. Good for you for wanting to do things the right way.

A surprise visit might be a great idea. Not only will you get to see her facial expressions and her body language, which will tell you everything you need to know, but you can, like you said, get in to a serious heartfelt conversation about what's going on. You can never go wrong with some quality time together - especially not in your situation.

I can understand your reasonings for giving her a second chance *if* she did in fact cheat on you. However, like you said, take it slow and let her earn your trust back. That is very considerate of you. It definitely shows how much you love this woman. Good for you.

And yes, I completely understand what you mean about following your heart only when it tells you something that you want to hear. Most of us at some point or another have been guilty of only listening to what we want to hear and not what we need to hear. It's completely understandable and normal. Just don't get mislead. You're a smart guy and I'm sure you know what's best for you. :)

[Maki]

Really I think one of my major problems is that I haven't been able to get my situation out in the open, like talking about it now. Figuring out what I need to do is easier if I can talk things out and decide how and when to say something about it. If it's OK w/ everybody, I'm just going to go through it all, just to get it all off my chest. It may look like my first post in this topic, but I just have to go through it again. Here goes. When we started dating a year ago, I was the most shy guy you could ever meet, I mean I would turn red over the smallest things. She changed that because she was the most open person I have ever met. She talked to me about everything. So I just sort of got used to it and started being more open too. I wasn't too sure how long our relationship would last because at the very beginning, I had already fallen for her, and I wasn't sure how she felt about me, and we were both new at the long distance relationship thing. But when she said I love you, it changed everything. We talked for hours the first few months, and I just could not stand to go without talking to her. It got to the point where we'd let the other sleep on the phone for a little while, just for each other's company since we're so far apart, and then we'd wake the other up and go to bed. I have always thought we have a truly one-of-a-kind relationship. We've never actually had an argument about anything. There were some "friends" that tried to break us up by saying that I was cheating and that she didn't love me or whatever, but we worked through that. We have always been there for each other, no matter what time of day or night, because we realize that being away from the one you love is one of the hardest situations to be in. We had been talking about getting married for a few months, so when I went to see her for Valentine's Day, I asked her and made it official. Leaving her after that trip was the hardest thing I have ever done. I did my best to keep from crying while we walked our separate ways, but shhh, it didn't work. We went for several weeks talking every night for hours, but when she started her new job, it all went downhill from there. Talks decreased to 5-10 minutes because when we talked she would be so exhausted that she'd fall asleep listening to me. Then she started her second job, and now it's down to a couple of days a week. I can understand that she needs the money so she can get a car, but I worry constantly that she's going to work herself sick. Before she worked, she was taking care of a 9 month old baby girl, and now, she doesn't see her much at all, which I know she really really hates. So I offered to give her enough money so she wouldn't have to work the second job so she could watch the baby again. But she is so stubborn headed, she wants to be independent when it comes to making money. She's never borrowed money from her parents or friends, and the only time she took money from me is because the people she used to babysit for didn't pay her when they were supposed to. I even offered to buy her a car, just so she wouldn't have anything to worry about, but she would hear nothing of the sort. A couple of months ago I began having severe headaches and other medical problems and I've had to have some tests and ct scans and we don't have the results back until Wednesday, and I know that's putting even more stress on her. I guess why I'm confused in what to do is because we both have a lot going on and it's really hard to find time for much of anything, including thinking. That and I'm really a big worrier when I think that there is a possibility that I'm going to lose my babydoll. So, shooo, that's a long story, but it's finally over. It really does help calm me when I can talk about everything, even if I'm just talking to myself. But thanks everybody for puttin up w/ that long story if you read it, and Thanks to all of you who posted or will post replies or advice.

[jackie]

:) Hey Maki, You don't mention how far apart you are both living from each other & how often that you saw your loved 1, maybe then we can give you an "honest" reply ! ;)

[mtybaldone]

Hey Maki,
Dude, time for a reality check.
You think she's the ONE because she is the one who pulled you out of your shell and said "I love you". Now you're ready to SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER! But, instead of moving forward towards a wedding, you guys are going backwards and you're going insane. Whoa there Budy. Take a breath here. You've got a lot of life left to live.
You're going to tell us all that this is IT and she's the ONE and blah blah blah, but you need to realize that at 19, everything feels that way. I went through four girls I thought were THE ONE and every time if felt like there was no question, this was IT! Finally, at age 30, I found a woman who I can spend the rest of my life with, and believe me, it didn't feel anything like those other relationships, but it works.
We spent the first four months of our relationship doing the long-distance thing. I was in California and she was in New Hampshire. We did all the same things you've talked about, but when it came time to make the shift, she said goodbye to her friends and family and moved to Ohio where I had taken a new job. That's when the real fun started!
The point is, you're young and though this feels like it is the most real thing in the universe (don't get me wrong it may be, but only time will tell) if she doesn't respect you or want to move forward towards getting married, then maybe you are rushing things. Remember, long distance relationships get boring. There's only so much you can get out of a phone call no matter how much you love the person on the other end. So, maybe she's just bored, but maybe not, so you need to find out.
It's time to stop farting around and get to the point with this girl. You need to ask her, "Do you still love me and do you still want to marry me?" if she says No, then the relationship is done, but if she says YES, then you need to ask her if she is cheating on you. Stop playing games and making yourself go crazy. She might go balistic, but at least you'll know. You need to let her know that this is what is going through your head when she doesn't call you. You just can't understand why she would break her word and not call when she said she would. Trust is EARNED not given.
Dude, really, I could go on all day with advice, but the bottom line, is that you need to get to the point with this girl. Stop losing sleep and ask her. Hell, get on plane and show up at her front door. You'll know real quick if she loves you or if she is stringing you along.
Just remember to breathe!

[Maki]

To answer your question Jackie, we are about 600 miles apart and I've gotten to see her for 5 days out of 12 months together. Mtybaldone, you're perfectly right, I really don't know if she is the ONE for me, but I'm still confident that she is. The thing you said that I find the most interesting is the part about long distance relationships becoming boring. I think that may be the problem. We have gotten all we can from talking on the phone so we sort of slack off it. I have actually thought a lot about doing like you said and showing up on her doorstep, and it is still an option. I've sort of started to do other things spontaneously like I've sent her flowers at work and I'll send her little care packages w/ different things in them. What's the going rate on shipping a 200 lb man 600 miles in a cardboard box? Lol. But seriously, thanks to everyone for all of the advice, and I'll definitely be doing some serious thinking for a few days.