[elwoodb]

So glad I found this place, nice to see I'm not alone in my pradicament.

Here's my situation, we are coming up to our four year anniversery. I am in the military and have been undergoing training for about two and a half years. We had a distance relationship until we decided to move in together late 2008. Initially living together worked well however she became isolated socially by living in a country town and working from home. We thought that when we moved into our new location that the situation would change however that didn't happen. She had given up her career to come with me for me too follow my dream, but it eventually became too much for her. She went to Thailand with her friends and decided that she wanted to take up her old job and live in Sydney. I became very upset and thought it would be the end of our relationship, I foolishly said that I would breakup up with her if she left, it was so stupid and I regret saying that so much as I didn't mean it. That's when the relationship situation began to spiral out of control. She returned for five weeks however she felt it wasn't working and left back for Sydney where we continued long distance that was in march.

She hasn't seemed to get over the bitterness of the Christmas period, however I dearly wanted her to stay as I thought it was the best for us but she doesn't see it that way, she thought it was the last chance for us. I'm deeply in love with her and I want this too work but she doesn't feel the same way.

Here is the other problem, during August last year I received a text from her, she accidentally texted me instead of her American ex-Internet boyfriend, asking him to come and talk to her online. It has snowballed from there, they have been talking regularly online and texting each other. I was extremely uncofortable with this and told her so but she didn't seem to care, he was her friend nothing was going on etc. She decided she was going to America for a holiday, I asked her to delay it so I could go with her but she refused. She decided she wants to meet this guy, for a couple of days over summerfest in Milwaukee, with one of her mates. I begrudgingly agreed, because she said it was something 'she had to do', I later told her I was really uncomfortable with this and could I be there when they met, she refused and attacked me saying I didn't trust her. Well what could I do? I agreed... She told me it was only a couple of days. Before she left we had 'the talk' she said that because of everything she was in love with me but not the same way she used to be. That was devastating, she also admitted that she had been talking on the phone to her ex boyfriend in the last couple of months and had been hiding that from me. So she had been deceiving me regarding the person I consider to be her 'what if' guy. Anyway we decide to use the trip to do some thinking. Anyway I look at her itinerary, she is spending 7 days with the ex boyfriend! I confronted her on this and her reply was that I didn't ask and that 'i don't report to you' I feel itsvery inconsiderate and this now makes very upset that she's been lying to me about this, I sent her a text saying so. My trust in her has taken a major hit because of this. She has called me twice since then, huge fights have accured. After the first fight she said that she would probably breakup with me when she gets back in person, last night however she pretty much said that wanted to breakup over the phone before she met her ex so she 'wouldn't feel guilty' my reply was you only feel guilty if you are doing something wrong. She swears that it's only plutonic and that nothings going to happen but I can't help but be suspicious, why was there a need for deception? Sorry it gets even more complicated but I'll post more as I go along, I'm basically at the point where I'm refusing to communicate with her but she knows that I still consider us together so if it does happen as far as I'm concerned she's cheating on me...

This sucks, I'm in love with someone that doesn't think she feels it back and is spending our anniversery with another guy. Pretty heart breaking

[Imabadman]

All you can do in a situation like this is walk away. She obviously doesn't respect you based upon her actions. If you've got the mustard for it... don't say a word and just cut contact completely. She'll come sniffing around wondering why you're not pleading over her. Snub her. It'll be hard. But I tell you what, she'll damn sure know that you're not going to take her crap again.

Now, find yourself a real woman.

[positiveparent]

I had already typed out a reply to this however my p.c. is being temperamental and decided to eat it.

Hi elwoodb
Ive read through your post a couple of times now, from I can tell your g/f is not wanting to remain in a relationship with you, as you said she may be holding some resentment from back when she first decided to return to Sidney. Or when she first put her own plans on hold to follow you with yours. No matter what I do feel she wants out of the relationship, either to embark upon a new venture with the guy in the USA, or to just be a free agent again.

Something seems to have died in the relationship, or just the sheer distance between you both could have been enough for her to have a change of heart. However you aren't being given much consideration from her in any of this, and it would even seem she's got a total lack of regards for your role in her life.

Has she gone to America to meet this other male? If so when will she be coming back, and will she be going to your place or back to Sidney?

When you made the ultimatum to her about if she goes to Sidney then it would be over, it might be that she then lost respect for you or just decided to hell with him, it would appear something went wrong around that time. Your g/f lack of regards for your concerns at her going to the USA to meet a man she met online, is a huge red flag, then you discovering she's planning to stay with him for 7 days is another, then her telling you she`ll probably tell you in person that its over before meeting this other male in USA, 3 red flags in that alone.

It would to all intents and purposes imply she was considering making something more than a platonic relationship with him. However that's neither here nor there for the time being. What you need to do for now is if possible get together with your g/f and ask her straight what her intentions regarding her involvement with you are, it would ideally be better if you can do this in person, you can judge a lot more about a persons integrity in person, their body language gives away certain things if there is any dishonesty in what the person claims. You won't have that aspect or advantage on the phone, plus with phone calls or texts they can be misinterpreted and cut off or ignored, and she could tell you without hesitation that she's not been unfaithful to you, and you'd not be able to judge for yourself if she is lying to you.

Also if she has cheated, and you still want to pursue the relationship, then you'll have much to consider, however for now you need to find out where your relationship stands. I would though suggest you brace yourself for the worst.

[talaniman]

If a female had done to me what she has done to you over the past year or so, I would not consider us together, nor would ever have confronted her about anything.

I would however had disappeared from her life back after Christmas for good and been doing my thing since.

You had enough hints, and red flags to have known she wasn't interested a long time ago.

So what ever you thought you had, you didn't, just in your own fantasy. Reality says you took way to long to read the handwriting on the wall.

Sorry, but it happens.

[elwoodb]

Thanks guys,
She returns from the trip in two weeks, for some reason she seems to justifying seeing this guy because all of her friends said they would be fine with it. I said the fight that they must be liars because that's bs and that everyone I've talked too said that there was no way they would be fine with that... She then called them all my friends 'minions' who were obviously wrong! I have been struggling with this issue for a longtime, I fought long and hard for what I thought was right, whilst trying to be understanding of her need too finally meet a friend of nine years. I guess there's another red flag in the situation as well, he's always the rebound guy it seems they always get together after a previous relationship has ended, she's done it probably 3 or 4 times so it's pretty much a habit. Here's the real kicker for me, they were meant to meet up before she met me while she was in America working at a ski resort, this fell through because he cheated on her. This caused me a lot of heartache because of the trust issues this guy anda previous boyfriend had cheated on her so I had to work hard on the trust front. Yet she still wants to see him, I've been accused of ruining her trip etc because of this but I needed to tell her one last time that it wasn't right.

I figured this is over I hope that nothing happens with the guy in fact I hope he's a complete tool she ends up hiding from him for week. But I guess that's only hope, I'll always feel that she chose someone else over me from this point on. Her reply to that was I was being a drama queen and needed to grow up. She shows a complete disregard for my feelngs, even if she loves me but not the same way anymore then surely she would at least respect my feelings.

Thanks for reading guys, its our 4 annivesery today, and needless to say I'm really struggling with the fact she's spending it with him. I've gone into no contact mode, but unfortunately I can't undo the order of roses that I had arranged to go into her hotel room for our anniversery. She gets back in two weeks, I've decided not to meet her when she gets back I'm going to see my family instead.

The one thing I can't understand is why is she treating me like this? I know she's bitter about Xmas but still I've been a great person to her and treated her as well as I could.

Thanks for the help...

[Jake2008]

Although she has lied, probably cheated, and kept secret things that she shouldn't have been doing in the first place, she somehow manages to turn this around and make it your fault.

The arguments about you being unreasonable, is arrogant, to say the least.

While I believe you love her with all your heart, and you are hurting badly right now, try to realize that this is all about her. Her needs, her wants, her desires, her independence, her fun, her decisions. I cannot see where she has compromised even slightly in regard to your thoughts and feelings.

She is who she is, and that includes how she treats you, as well as her questionable motives and actions.

Try to consider that although you love her, there is nothing there that I can see, left to build upon to make the relationship work. She abandoned you, yet doesn't have the decency to fully end it.

I think you should.

[talaniman]

She wasn't the nice person you thought she was, and probably didn't deserve having a caring person like you who treated her well. Not your fault she didn't know any better.

[elwoodb]

Thanks for the replies again, I talked to my family at length about it for quite some time and they were very supportive. I found it very hard to tell my father that there was another guy involved, I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep her from going to another boy ( I use boy as I don't consider him a man). Dad was very understanding and said it wasn't my fault she went to another boy and that I gave it my all and that he was proud of me.

In hindsight Im still in love with the girl I knew a year ago, I guess I have accept that's she's changed. Occaisionally she let her old self out but it seems that's changed, the person I'm in love with wouldn't have done this. I'm still struggling to understand how this has happened and I may never know the full story.

I've cut off all communication with her, it's been a tough 36 hours but I feel that I have regained some personal control of the situation. I thought today our anniversery would be tougher, I do struggle with the thought of her with another boy on this day. But being able to talk to people who are independent of the situation is really very helpful and I appreciate it a huge amount!

[elwoodb]

Well she just tried to call me, it's midnight here, she sounded very weird in the message. I guess because she's not used to me not dropping everything for her, maybe it's because it's our anniversary. Who knows, she said she is going to call later, it's going to take a lot of self control not to answer and I'm wondering if I should? I think I need to protect myself so I probably shouldn't :/ feel so bloody torn on this!

[Jake2008]

It may not be enough just to ignore her calls.

When you said that she wasn't the woman you knew a year ago- that speaks volumes. She could very well have started sincere and honest, but what you see today in her, was always there. Just at bay.

It's good that you talked to your family; now you know that they too don't blame you for what has happened. There is no way you could have read her mind.

As to wondering what to do when she calls. My opinion is that you will have to tell her straight up that it is over. It shouldn't come as any surprise to her; it is a consequence of her own actions after all. Try to keep it as short and to the point as possible, and go back to that place where you feel some control.

There is no turning back the clock now, for either of you. Concentrate on getting stronger, and the more time that passes, the better you will feel.

I hope you keep on posting.

[elwoodb]

Well I've made almost 12 hours since the call, haven't spoken to her at all. This is the first time I've done anything like that before and I feel torn between wanting to text her and the urge for self presivation. I talked to my sister about it this morning, her opinion was that the call was probably an attempt by her to get me to validate her choices and to ease her guilt. I know my sister is probably on the money with this one. I guess I need time to think about this a whole lot more, and to try and gain some perspective before I talk to her again. Yesterday I was doing OK but the call is really mixing my emotions up a great deal, I guess it was the voice message and her tone really set off a reaction in me. I'm in love with her and it setoff this caring reaction in me, which over rides my own self preservation I guess. It's taking a lot of mental strength not to go to her at the moment. I'll probably keep posting for a long time yet, don't worry about that! Who knows this might help someone else out in a similar situation one day!

Cheers
Elwood

[BWK10]

Keep going, 12 hours is a good start. Now go for 12 days, 12 weeks, 12 months, 12 years.

[Jake2008]

You are doing very well, and I too agree with your sister. It's good you have people you can count on to help you get through this.

One thing I'd like to suggest is to get yourself a notebook, and start keeping a journal. Write in it whenever you can when something hits you. Any thought, or emotion, or idea, or question, anything at all to do with her, and your relationship together.

There is a lot of strength in words, and the more you write, the more clarity you will have, as well as a sort of confirmation that yes, you feel this way today. Then by next week, when you read things over, you will see that you have made progress, and have also gained some insight.

You have given so much of yourself, it will take time to reclaim yourself again.

I write quite a bit, in fact, I'm about to start yet another journal on a personal matter too, and I know it isn't easy, but, it really does help.

[elwoodb]

It's now up to 48 hours since I've talked to her, it seems to be taking a lot out of me. I feel in some ways that not talking to her shows that there are consequences for her actions and decisions, instead of my usual I love you and will always be there for you no matter what. I have always told her that if we break up I'll cut her out of my life completely, I've already gotten the friends line from her, I basically told her that it would be a form of mental torture and I couldn't do it. For some reason I feel she's got a bet each way at the moment, the I'll see what this guy is like but I can always go back to him. She blew up when I said that of course! The last call we had just made everything thing so much worse, she made huge hurtful insults towards me, almost like she wanted me to breakup with her so she could play the victim I guess.

I got a call from a withheld number (all international calls come up that way on my phone) wasn't her but I noticed my hands were shaking, I must be a very stressed individual at the moment. Thanks for all the support, means a lot, I'm hanging in there but today feels so much worse then yesterday.

[Jake2008]

Remember that it is no longer your worry what she thinks, or how she lives her life.

The only one that needs to change, is you.

I hope that you keep a little section in your diary where you can write out all the attributes that you will bring to the next relationship, and right beside it, what you expect of a partner in return.

And, I think too that when a relationship ends, or is ending, it is hard not to remember good times; it wasn't all bad. Some of it made up memories that you will remember fondly all of your life. You don't have to hate a person to let them go. They are sort of the sum of all that makes them who they are- good, bad, indifferent, they are human.

Love is one of those things that only makes up part of a relationship, and that part is the foundation. The solid ground that you build on, together. Without the commitment of love, and all that entails, you are left with nothing to build upon, and eventually, the foundation itself falls apart.

I'm glad you are doing a journal. :)

[Imabadman]

Elwood try to focus your attention elsewhere other than her. Yes, easier said than done I know. But honestly you should be mad about this, no, actually pissed!

Listen, this girl hasn't been treating you very good for some time. You're blinded by love and just not seeing it. In a year from now you're going to look back and actually feel a little embarrassed that you took such crap from that trollope!

Right now work on just sucking it up and getting day to day, then month to month, etc. I believe your sister was right on the money with her calling you looking for validation of her actions. She would have instigated a fight with you, you'd retaliate with hurt feelings, she of course would blame everything on you and then she feels better about herself. All this while she's with another guy in another country. Serously...

From here on out you need to ignore her attempts at contact. You no longer have time for her childish games. By ignoring her she will actually feel 'bad' about the whole situation, bad about herself. She'll sense what she's lost. And unfortunately, you're going to run into her sooner or later. My advice; smile, a quick hello followed with goodbye as move along. Don't act mad or bittter rather be unaffected by her. Elwood you no longer have time for her. No asking how she's doing, what she's up to or anything else for that matter. And for the love of GOD do not argue with her about what you thought was a relationship or why she did this or that to you! Since you have mutual friends don't bad mouth her and refrain from asking them about her. When these friends ask a simple, “I was ready to move on.” and leave it at that.

Hang tough. Not all women act like disrespectful skanks.

[elwoodb]

Well here's an update for everyone, haven't heard from her, which makes me feel a whole lot better as I didn't have to deal with a phone call in the middle of the night. To be honest I'm seething with anger about this which is why I haven't been helping on the fighting front, the best I feel I can do for both of us is to step back and calm down as much as I can.

I should explain a few more details on this complicated situation. She came back after Xmas in feb for 5 weeks and we lived together again, she had been doing some work in sydney and had been offered a job which was where most of the fighting began. We had been fighting a lot whilst apart and she thought that just coming back would be enough she didn't reallymake an effort to change our situation. I got deployed for work for two weeks, whilst on that she called me and said that work needed her in Sydney and she was leaving the week I got back. That was pretty devastating, I failed my course in the week that follows and lost my dream job 3 weeks after that. At the time I could deal with the failure because she was a very special part of my life, I used to think it could be worse I could have lost her too. So I got posted to a location within a 150km of where she lived so we could see each other on the weekends and rebuild our relationship. First weekend I saw her was great it seemed like she had let go of the bitterness and we could move forward. Then I saw her the weekend before the trip and had a very long talk about everything, this is where she spilled the beans about the phone calls to the ex, I was pretty upset about it needless to say and she thought I was over reacting. I asked why she didn't tell me her reply was 'you didn't ask'. I found out about the 7 days after I read through the itinerary, the othe thing that's odd is that she goes to Chicago then flies back to Milwaukee for the last night then la. Would have thought there would have been direct flights Chicago la that would have been cheaper. I haven't confronted her on this, really not worth the effort.

I am going to have to see her, I still have a house full of her stuff be it still in boxes only moved in 3 days ago, and god knows what to do about the dog. I'll just have to make the meeting on my terms, so much to sort out...

Other thing is I guess I dodged a bullet, I was meant to propose to her at Xmas but the timing didn't work out, I'd say I just saved myself 5 grand...

[positiveparent]

Hi Elwood

I agree you are going to have to see her in order to tie up any loose ends, to arrange for her to collect her belongings and the Dog ( it is her dog I assume ) when you do see her it would be better for you if you don't ask her about her trip to America, that I feel may end up hurting you even more. You've decided to let her go so let everything about that trip go too, her going on that trip has shown you how thoughtless she is about your role in her life and involvement with her, leave it at that.

She has shown her true colours in being how she has, you're better off out of a relationship that only serves to hurt you, it seems you were the only one making any effort to keep it going.

I wish you well and Im sure in time you'll look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about, there's a young lady out there with your name on her heart and in time you'll find each other.

You will have learned something from this relationship, you may not know what just yet but in time you will. You're doing the right thing for you.

[elwoodb]

I guess my brain is wanting to let go but my heart sure as hell isn't for some reason I'm holding out hope that she will realize that what she is doing is really hurting me. I feel like an idiot for feeling that way and I guess it's going to take a while to get through this. I guess the combination of the 'first love' and 'she's the one' isn't helping either.

We only really have one mutual friend (the one who set us up), I talked to her about what was going on and she told me to walk away. That I didn't deserve what was happening to me, she also explained a bit of what was happening before she met me with this other guy. She said she could never understand her relationship with him and neither could her other close friends. And that she really couldn't explain her actions now, except that she has a personality where when she gets something in her head she will do it no matter what. That sounds familiar!

Haven't heard from her for a while, which is making NC a bit easier, whenever I feel the urge to txt her I either come on here and read posts or txt and call my friends. I'm in a new location, and don't have any friends here so loneliness is a big factor as well. Trying to keep myself occupied, went flying yesterday for the first time since march, it was the first time in a long time that I hadn't thought about her for a 3 hour period. Other things I'm doing is a complete refusal to post anything on my fb page, I'm not blocking her but she can't keep tabs on what I'm doing if there's nothing there (I know her well enough to know she would check my page first instead of trying to contact me).

I'm trying to let go of this trip and what she is doing but I can't get it out of my head at the moment...

Again thanks for all the help, this place is a great outlet for me!

[talaniman]

You need a plan that gives you something to do when you are alone (a big difference than being lonely), or a nice routine that you enjoy.