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mandyeck · Apr 26, 2004, 08:01 PM

I am writing because I need some advice from people who don't know me. I am with the father of my child we have been together on and off for the last 8 years. He is the love of my life and I knew this from the moment I met him 8 years ago. We moved to a new city together 9 months ago. I left our home town for a new start, he left his home town to get away from bad crowds and he figured moving with me was the best thing since our daughter was coming with me. I knew when we got here he wasn't moving here for me, he was coming here for him but I thought maybe with time we could get back what he had years ago. Things have progressed a lot in 9 months, we are just like a married couple yet we are not married and the idea of that scares him to death which kind of hurts me but that's really not my issue. My issue is I feel like he doesn't love me. He says he does and if I asked him he will hug me and tell me he does but we are lacking something. I sit there and watch TV, watch my friends, watch couples in public and I see something that they have and I don't. You can just look at them sometimes and tell they love one another, when my boyfriend looks at me I don't see the same thing. I want to feel loved, I want passion. I don't know if he isn't capable of showing me what I need or he doesn't show me this because he doesn't love me as much as I love him. This gets me so bummed out that sometimes I just sit there and cry over something I can't have, it might sound silly and maybe it is but I really need some advice on this if at all possible...

mtybaldone · Apr 28, 2004, 03:54 PM

That's a tough one because there is really only one thing you can do if he does not love you, leave him.
I need some more background, though.
You say he left his hometown because of bad crowds, is he a party guy or was he getting into trouble? The reason I ask is because it doesn't matter where you are, you are there. So, most people who move from an area because they think it was the city or their friends, usually end up finding the same sort of people in the new city and find themselves back in the same trouble.
So, could you give a little more?

mandyeck · Apr 28, 2004, 06:48 PM

He wasn't getting into any trouble, he was hanging around a drug related crowd, lost his job and so on and things just weren't going well. His friends there that he hung around were friends he had known all his life so he just couldn't up and make new ones persay. Hes been here with me for almost 9 months now and I can say that he's clean and doing very well in that area. As far as leaving him, I really don't want to, I love him to death and have for 8 years now. He was raised in a loving family but they didn't express love to one another the way most people do so I wonder if this is the cause of him not being able to show me that attention, maybe he doesn't no how or is uncomfortable. I try to talk to him about what I need and he gets very defensive like I am attacking him about something but really that's not what I am trying to do at all. Did that answer everything?? If not let me know and thanks for replying, you're the only one that has so far!

mtybaldone · Apr 29, 2004, 05:37 AM

What drugs was he into? They may be affecting his moods, even if he is clean. I mean, depending on what he was doing, and for how long, he could still be suffering chemical imbalances. It sounds like he is suffering some level of depression which is causing him to disconect or not be able to feel.
He may have also been hiding behind drugs for so long, that he doesn't know how to feel or how to deal with his feelings now that they are not deadened by being high.
The other thing is that he could still be using and he is hidding it from you.

mandyeck · Apr 29, 2004, 02:11 PM

I know for a fact that he's not using as of now, I have known him for so long and seen him messed up enough I am one of the few people that can look at him and tell if he is high or not. Things that you said did make sense. I met him when he was doing drugs and his attitude now still seems a lot different then what it was then. Maybe its just me and its all in my head, maybe I am just asking too much from a person incapable of giving it??

mtybaldone · Apr 30, 2004, 08:10 AM

Its probably not all in your head. He is showing classic signs of having a lot of trouble dealing with not using. Depending on what is was he was using, his body is going through some major physiological changes which will affect his mental condition. If he was doing Cocaine or other amphetamines, for instance, his brain would've gotten used to the hightened levels of Dopamine and actually shut down its natural manufacture of these very important neurochemicals. As a result he will be in a serious funk for a lond time, until his brain realizes that it now need to start making it's own "Fell Good" chemicals.
Realistically, its almost impossible to get clean for any leangth of time by yourself. As he continues to spiral down into depression he WILL use again. He needs to get to some NA meetings or find some other help.
As far as what you need to do, you may want to confront him (in the most loving an nonconfrontational way possible) and find out how he is doing. You may want to ask him what his committmet to your relationship is, maybe you guys are just going into tow different directions.
And, most importatly, remember, what you see on TV and on movies is FANTASY, real relationships are not like that, and if they are, they don't last.