[positive reinforcement]

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My 23 year old son is not very motivated. In the past few years I have bent over backwards for him. He made a mistake two years ago when he stole money from his work in the tune of $1500. I hired a lawyer which cost $2200 which totally put me behind on my bills for two months. I did this so he wouldn't have a felony on his record for the rest of his life. Because of the lawyer it was reduced to misdemeanor. I don't regret this, as he hasn't gotten into any more trouble. Problem is, he can't get a job anywhere. Even at places where they don't do background checks he still can't get hired. He is a great cook and I offered to send him to culinary school in Va Beach, Va, a couple of hours away and he didn't seem too excited. Meanwhile, he scours cookbooks and online recipes and makes lovely meals. He is not a bad kid, just unmotivated. My sister, who lives in Va Beach offered to give him her spare room while he gets a job and maybe can then pay $200 a month to her. She says everyone there has criminal records and no one does background checks. He says he doesn't want to live in the ghetto. She doesn't live in the ghetto, it's just an older neighborhood of townhouses. His excuse for not wanting to go to culinary school is that he isn't good at school. He graduated high school, but it was by the skin of his teeth, although he is excellent at reading and math and is very articulate. He's just lazy. How can I get him to go to Va Beach, either to live with my sister or go to cooking school? There is nothing for him here in northern va. He has applied everywhere.

[ballengerb1]

Start by charging him monthly rent. You are helping him stay lazy by allowing him to sit on his butt and live off you. At 23 he should be long gone from under your roof. Convicts can find jobs and so can he, he just doesn't sound like he wants a job.

[Jake2008]

There comes a time when we all have to take responsibility for the direction our lives go in. It is actually in your son's best interest to develop interests, and skills that will allow him his independence. That is a vital stage of development in which he learns how to be responsible, pay bills, make mistakes, have successes, etc. I think he needs a push a little bit.

You have given him a wonderful opportunity to go to your sister's place, and to attend culinary school. For him to become a chef would allow him the independence he needs. All the while it is a gentle start, with your sister watching over him until he is on his own.

Bottom line is he has to make some personal changes. He may find excuses not to go, but I think it boils down to the fact that he is happy and content where he is.

You would be giving him the greatest gift of all to allow him the opportunity to live his life- even if you have to push him to start. If he remains as it is, before you know it he'll be 30 years old, and still trying to make up his mind what he wants to do.

I would have a serious talk with him if it were my son, and tell him you expect that he either accepts the offer of culinary school, or he comes up with another plan before the end of the summer. Make it clear that he will be moving out, either way.

You're doing the right thing by cutting those apron strings that he's hanging on to.

[Fr_Chuck]

Don't ask him any more. Tell him, give him 60 days to have a job where you are at, or be out of the house

[QLP]

Maybe he has lost his confidence since he went off the path somewhat. It also sounds like he is more of a hands on person than a keen book-learner so perhaps he is daunted at the thought of that side of education. He also has everything he needs at home with you so little reason to force himself out of his comfort zone.

Can you tell him that whilst you understand he is having difficulty getting a job he needs to contribute more in other ways, both at home, and in his community. See if you can get him to do some kind of voluntary work, cooking in something like a soup-kitchen springs to mind. This would help him get some confidence and look more employable if he does a good job with them.

Don't make life at home too easy. So he enjoys cooking but what about other jobs that need doing that perhaps aren't so much fun? Cleaning, fixing the roof, raking leaves... Tell him that you absolutely need him to find a way to contribute financially, even if it's only very small sums that he can earn by cleaning neighbours cars or something. Don't give him cash or material stuff he doesn't absolutely need - only the bare basics, no treats - he has to find a way to earn those for himself. Don't do his laundry or anything else that he can do for himself. It's not enough that he does the things he likes he has to learn that we all have to do things that aren't much fun.

Basically do whatever you can to make work look more appealing and the set-up he had now less so.

Good luck.