[iloveyoux206]

Ok, so I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months and I know I really love him and I know he really loves me. We have been through a hell of a lot. Long story short, I'm 17 and my parents don't want me to date until I'm out of college. So when they found out about him, they flipped and put a restraining order on him and said he abused and raped me. They finally took it off after a whole lot of drama. I was surprised he even stuck through it all for me. My parents still don't like him, so we have resorted to dating behind their back, because trust me, they don't like him, we can't even get them to give him a chance.

So the question is, should I move out with him when I'm 18? It's in 4 months. We both have jobs, and we will both have money for our own cars. So I can still go to school and work. There will be enough money for food and clothes. His mom is letting us live with her until we have enough money to pay for our own rent. She's not giving us a set time, just whenever we are ready. See its perfect right?

But there's still a part of me that will miss my family. I know if I move out with him, they will be very upset and angry with me and not want anything to do with me. Cause its not just my mom and dad, its everyone, like aunts and uncles. Because my parents blew it out of the park, when they found out I had a boyfriend. My family craves drama, you don't understand. They watch these drama shows, and think they're on them. But my parents have always been there with money, food, and a house. Everyone in my family is overprotective. My cousins are in their 20's, and they're still not allowed to leave the house. I guess they don't understand we're in america, and we grew up differently in different cultures and countries. My friends and cousin understand, but they don't. Even my friends' parents understand. I think it's because my parents and aunts and uncles grew up in a country that was more strict, or reserved, or whatever the word is.

& another thing, in a few months, my boyfriend and his family is moving a little bit farther away, so it will be harder to see each other. So there's another reason why this question is being asked.

& no, there is no time that I can move out and they would be happy. Because they don't like my boyfriend, at all. And no, I'm not going to find another boy, because I really do love him. We have been through a lot together, good and bad. It really does seem like he's my other half. & no, I'm not just some immature teen that is blinded by lust. I am actually very smart, and no matter what I am still going to continue my education.

So I'm torn, and I don't know what to do... help?

[redhed35]

Its going to make things very difficult if you move out without your parents consent or against their wishes,really your chossing your boyfriend over them,and families as bad as you think they are have loved and protected you for 17 years.

You don't say why they don't like him,however there may be a compromise,if you can meet somewhere in their wishes and what you want,how about staying at home and start dating your boyfriend from home,asking your parents to find some middle ground and try to get to know him.

I'm all for love,but I'm also all for respecting the wishes of parents.

If it's the great love you say it is,a year or so won't make a difference,he will wait and try to get to know your parents,and help find the compromise where everyone can be happy.

[iloveyoux206]

The thing is we have already tried to compromise with them. We have told them we will hang out whenever they want, wherever they want. Just as long as they allow us to date. They still didn't like it, because they don't want me to have a boyfriend unti after I graduate college. Which is at 22.

Well one of the reasons they don't like him is just the plain fact that he's my boyfriend. They are very against the fact of me having a boyfriend because they think it will disrupt my schooling. But let me tell you, I have had boyfriends for the past 5 years, and I got the highest gpa at school and I'm all about school. I dated a guy a for 2 years, and I got the highest honors at school. They were the ones that messed up my schooling. They kept me at home, just because they were mad at me and didn't want me to see my boyfriend. They were the ones that kept behind in class, when I was waaaay ahead before they interrupted. I was perfectly fine,heck more than fine! but they just don't get it. (sorrry I was venting right there)

And they also don't like him because of his background. Like my family is well off, and his was having trouble. And I don't know, not to be rude or sound immature about things, but they're stuck up.

My family has even gone to a counselor. And the counselor agreed with me. She saw how I was all about school, how determined I was to have a successful life. She didn't get why my parents wouldn't let me date if I was doing so well in school if that's what they were worried about.

Its not just that, I think because they caught him as my boyfriend, they just don't like him.

[BWK10]

You haven't even explained why they don't like him.

[redhed35]

There is a winning solution here,and that is do what they want, your boyfriend will wait for you.

The cons of moving out and in with your boyfriend far out weigh staying at home.

The cost ( your family) is to high a price to pay at 17,I'm by no means saying your immature,or not able to provide for yourself,but the fall out from this could have long lasting or even life long hurt for your family and you,and maybe even your children.

Instead of getting caught up in the romance and what you want,think about the future you,you 5 years from now,when you want a relationship with your family,but they still can't get over you moving out at 17.

I know my post sounds like I'm trying to persuade you to stay at home,all I'm trying to do is give you another perspective.

[Wondergirl]

Those cultural values run very thick through your family's blood. I'm guessing the culture is an Asian one? Your parents are very concerned that you be well-educated and finish your education, and have read and seen too much about Western culture where that can easily not happen because of a love relationship, a baby that comes too early, and broken dreams. Your family does not want that to happen to you.

If you've seen a counselor with them with no compromise or resolution, you're going to have to make a choice between the two -- boyfriend or family. Since your family will always be part of you somehow, I suggest you choose them and their way. You'll meet other guys in college, so I'm betting this boyfriend won't last for all of your college years anyway. Will it be worth throwing away your family for something that probably won't last? And if it's meant to be, it will last even through all of this "drama."

[Devorameira]

This is a sad situation. Choosing between the people you love means that everyone ends up losing.

* If you break up with your boyfriend, you will always wonder if you did the right thing and you will always harbor resentment toward your family.

* If you stay with your boyfriend, you lose your parents' approval and they lose your respect. Either way, your relationship with your parents suffers.

I think I would chose to do the right thing by your parents. Boyfriends come and go, but family is forever.

I'm sure your parents mean well - you know they love you and want what's best for you. Are their opinions based on any real evidence that your boyfriend might do anything other than bring you happiness? I get a feeling there are some actual reasons they seem to dislike him... could you share the reasons?

Are your parents truly reading your relationship incorrectly and projecting their own wishes and desires on you? Think long and hard about this before you blame them. They love you and want happiness for you. Choose carefully.

[iloveyoux206]

well they also have said they don't like because of where he came from.. like his mom was struggling financially at the time they met her.. but now she's doing very well.

It's so hard to even think about letting him go though. I feel like he understands how I act sometimes, and why I do things. And he has helped me out through so many problems. This whole situation just stresses me out. I just wish there a way I could have both in my life.

& yes I have an asian culture. & I mean I could wait until I'm out college, but I don't want it to be the same way it is with my cousin. He has had a girlfriend for 2 years and he's out of college, and his mom still doesn't want him to date her. And there's nothing wrong with her, I love her to death like she's my own cousin. She's nice and sweet. But somehow in her mind she thinks his girlfriend is the devil. & I don't want to be 25 and still have to go through those things. & I have a feeling my parents would act the same way because they have the same values.

& I don't know, I just wish they were more understanding of the environment and culture I grew up in, and we kids didn't grow up the same way they did.

[Wondergirl]

I dont want to be 25 and still have to go through those things. & i have a feeling my parents would act the same way because they have the same exact values.

I'm from a German heritage on both sides and was the obedient first child and first daughter. For nearly six years during part of high school and almost all of college, I dated a farmer's son from my home town. He and I had agreed that we would date others along the way, but we stuck together through thick and thin and planned to marry once I graduated from college (he already had). My parents didn't like his family and told me they did not approve. They wanted me to find someone else. I did at age 20, and I ended up marrying the new guy. Even though the one I married has been good to me, all these years I have kicked myself because I should have rebelled and married the guy I loved.

Forty-plus years have passed for me to think about it. If I could do it over again, I would graduate from college, live on my own for several years working in my career, and get to know myself. Chances are I would have eventually married the guy from home and possibly alienated my family, but when the first grandchild came along, I suspect my family would have mellowed..

Even though I said earlier in this thread that family is important, my own personal experience says otherwise when you butt family up against what might be a lasting love. Is yours a case of love that will endure? Are you two mature enough now to make that judgment?

[Cat1864]

What do your parents think about your cousin's situation? Have you explained to them that you are afraid you will end up in the same situation as him?

You have four months until you turn 18. What grade will you be in school?

My first suggestion is to stay in the family home until you are 18 or out of high school which ever would be longer. I think you need more time to think and I think IF you leave the home it should be to live in a dorm for college or a place of your own maybe with roommates (perhaps with a cousin) without your boyfriend as part of the furnishings.

IF you move in with your boyfriend are you expecting to have a sexual relationship and not get married? With sex comes the possibility of procreation. Contraceptives are not 100% effective. Pregnancies happen to those who least expect them.

I am concerned that you are forcing this decision now because of his moving. If he weren't moving, would you be as ready to leave home at this time?

[iloveyoux206]

Even though I said earlier in this thread that family is important, my own personal experience says otherwise when you butt family up against what might be a lasting love. Is yours a case of love that will endure? Are you two mature enough now to make that judgment?

See that's what I'm talking about, family IS important to me. But I really do deep down believe this is the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. And I know I'm only 17, trust me I have analyzed our relationship inside and out. & I really do want to be with him, and I know he does too as much as I do. We both have thought about our futures, and how we could fit each other in it, and deep down I know it's not just some "puppy love" or "lust".

I have thought about each situation and outcome, and either way I'm going to lose people. And it just plain sucks.

& I know it's normal for people around my age to want independence, and I really do. I have always wanted control over everything in my life. That's just the way I am, because I feel like I know what I can do and what is right for me.

Except this situation, I've never had to choose between anything so difficult.

[iloveyoux206]

What do your parents think about your cousin's situation? Have you explained to them that you are afraid you will end up in the same situation as him?

You have four months until you turn 18. What grade will you be in school?

I am concerned that you are forcing this decision now because of his moving. If he weren't moving, would you be as ready to leave home at this time?

Well my parents like the my cousins girlfriend, and don't see why his parents think she's the devil. And I have tried to explain to them that I am pretty much in the same situation. But they are so.. ilogical and hard-headed and think it is completely different, but its not.

By the time I move out, or plan to, I'd be a senior. Is there a law that says I have to graduate high school to move out even though I'm 18?

& no, my boyfriend and I have been thinking about this situation for a 4 months now, he has just told me his family is moving recently.

[james333]

Move out noww! If you want to find yourself and be happy with your own life I say you do it. Your parents will have to let go of you one day or another and believe me you might end up marrying someone you don't want to because of them.