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MeeDee23 · Dec 13, 2006, 06:55 AM

I am not in this position yet, but if I do get there, I'd like to know how to handle it... and I'm sure a lot of other people would too.

What if your ex or soon-to-be ex drops one of these bombs on you:
"Let's be friends"
"I couldn't stand to lose you as a friend"
"I still need you in my life"

Blah blah blah... no one really ever wants to be on the receiving end of one of these remarks.

I know it is best for one's personal growth if they go to No Contact and move on with their own lives... thereby becoming stronger. But if you are in this situation and someone tells you the "Friend" statement, what do you say to them at that moment? I mean, if deep down you still really want to be with them, what do you say? I know any type of possible reconciliation process would be really slow, and that your personal growth is way more important. Also keep in mind, if someone actually goes through with being that friend after they were dumped... it can be VERY detrimental to any progress they have made.

I was thinking you should leave them hanging or just tell them flat out no, and let them dwell on that. For instance you might say:
"Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you?"
OR
"I don't think that's possible."

I'd like to hear people's opinions of how they would handle this situation... especially the right way to go about it in keeping possibility for the future alive (but also keeping your control and dignity in this situation).

shygrneyzs · Dec 13, 2006, 07:08 AM

I like the answer "Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you".

When someone says that they still want you to be in their life as a friend, etc. what are they really saying? Are they wanting to keep that door open just in case the next relationship does not work out? Then you would be the soft shoulder to cry on?

Sometimes being the friend after a break up is possible, with definite boundaries set. If, for nothing else, for your own emotional protection.

MeeDee23 · Dec 13, 2006, 07:17 AM

Good point shy. Maybe they want to make sure you don't totally leave out of their life just in case after more time has gone by, they decide that it was truly a better life with you around. This could be a reason for wanting to be friends.

I am more partial to the idea of "Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you?" The reason for this is because it shows that you are strong willed and can live without them but also does not completely shut the door emphatically by saying NO I won't be your friend/leave me alone. It leaves room for interpretation on their part and will probably leave them thinking more about the situation.

Another approach might be to agree to be friends with them (giving that other person peace)... but not be a proactive sort of friend. For instance, you can be there for them whenever they reach out to you. But do not reach out to them first in ANY situation... as you show you are just fine without them.

wap · Dec 13, 2006, 07:30 AM

When my ex finished it with me, he said I will still be your friend, but he had also mentioned a clean break? He didn't know what he wanted.

I said to him, I can't be friends, no. I think it hurts far too much being friends with an ex. It is hard for someone to go from being very close with someone to being one of their 'mates'. Also, I think when people say they want to be your friend, it just means that they won't ignore if they see you in the street or something. It's not like they are going to all of a sudden have you as a friend that they would invite out to places etc.I guess people have different sutuations though.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 13, 2006, 07:58 AM

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

I know any type of possible reconciliation process would be really slow

And how do you know this? I am sincere in this... where have we seen any ex's reconciling after breaking up who can verify that this is really how it goes?

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

I'd like to hear ....especially the right way to go about it in keeping possibility for the future alive (but also keeping your control and dignity in this situation).

There is no way to keep the "future alive" since the relationship ended back there and not facing that fact will not only cause harm but it will interfere with dignity too. No one feels more foolish than the one who discovers they fooled themselves. If anything at all is to happen again, it will have to begin again as something new. And since the real life odds of that occurring are so phenomenally remote, it explains why we aren't hearing about how coming apart and coming together again actually works.

At the risk of belaboring this point too much, I think its really unkind to hold out false hope to hurting people thinking there is some magic way to get their ex back if "you will only do this or that or something else". Truth speaks volumes here. You can correct me if I am wrong (and please do) but no one is posting how it works to restore a very damaged relationship from their own personal experiences except me, no offense. And my experience did not include breaking up... although it came damn close with the arranged separation. I believe that 99% of ex's, barring no extreme stuff like abuse, willl place their ex in a category that is like a slightly uncomfortable relative and that is what they mean when they call you "friend." They simply want assurance you are not enemies, that's all.

So in all fairness, even though this has been asked before and remained unanswered then... I am all ears for anyone who would care to say how it works to get back together after you've broken up since that is essentially what is being asked here too.

rol · Dec 13, 2006, 08:01 AM

Interesting topic, I had posted something similar on my update.

If you say do you realize how much that you are asking of me etc etc.. /.it sounds a bit dramatic and needy to me.

<<Another approach might be to agree to be friends with them (giving that other person peace)... but not be a proactive sort of friend. For instance, you can be there for them whenever they reach out to you. But do not reach out to them first in ANY situation... as you show you are just fine without them.>>

This is more like it I think...
If a girl tells you id like to stay friends I think to say "NO" will get you out of her life right away..
I think this is actually the best approach. Tell her "ok so lets be just friends" and wait for her to initiate all contact.
The idea is to appear strong.

rol · Dec 13, 2006, 08:04 AM

<<So in all fairness, I am all ears for anyone who would care to say how it works to get back together after you've broken up...
>>

I'm all ears also!:)
Didn't you do such a thing Wildcat?

Tuscany · Dec 13, 2006, 08:10 AM

I think getting back together with someone after a break up can work. IF the original issues for the break up have been worked through. However, if issues have not been addressed the chances of that relationship working is slim.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 13, 2006, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Tuscany

I think getting back together with someone after a break up can work. IF the original issues for the break up have been worked through. However, if issues have not been addressed the chances of that relationship working is slim.

I agree very much with you Tuscany. You only need look in the real world to see celebrities divorce and remarry the same person, only to divorce again--- to know how common it is that those original issues were not dealt with even with all those chances!

The only way it works for ex's to rejoin successfully falls in between breaking it off completely forever and doing the break up again and again, never dealing with the issues---- and that is to arrange some kind of "hold" on the relationship whilst the issues are worked out. Now I ask you once someone is out of a relationship, why would they want to return to a relationship only to face that? And there really isn't any way to do an "end run" around all that work-it-out part either. Here is how you can know how true this is-- if there was an "end run" way possible, people would be DOING IT!! And we would all know about it too because they would be talking about it, everywhere!

SouthernBelle06 · Dec 13, 2006, 09:59 AM

Although I miss talking to my ex about things, I simply cannot do the "friends" thing with him. During our breakup, he asked me to be friends, but our breakup occurred because he met another girl and left me for her. I was very, very hurt by this. This breakup came out of nowhere for me too.

How was I supposed to be his friend after such a thing? I mean, my pre-existing "friends" and I discuss relationships, who we date, etc. Was I honestly expected to be my ex's friend and listen to the gory details of his relationship with the girl he dumped me for? According to him, apparently! A little salt in my wound was nothing in his mind. I think he honestly expected me to come over and hang out with him and the girl he dumped me for as "friends".

I think that if a breakup has been mutual and no one was really hurt in the process or wronged, a friendship may be possible after a while. But if either party has been hurt, it's more complicated... the dumper may just be keeping in touch and being nice to the dumpee to alleviate his or her guilt, even thinking they may want to keep the ex on the back burner " just in case", while the dumpee feels the hurt and rejection over and over again with each contact from the dumper. If there are still romantic feelings on the part of the dumpee, they can also hold out hope for a reconcilliation, feeling let down over and over on top of pre-existing pain. Not sure how this type of "friendship" can work. I couldn't do it, but if anyone else can, three cheers. :confused:

kp2171 · Dec 13, 2006, 10:15 AM

You say soon to be ex... which means it hasn't happened but you see the signs... as if it is inevitable. Maybe this warrants another thread, but what is the deal? Maybe the best way to avert the "friends" topic is to not ever get there in the first place. Just curious about what's going on. If you'd rather not go there, that's your prerogative.

I tried, with my first deep love, to just be friends. It sort of "worked" it seemed, for a time. But the "friends" position kept me emotionally tied up in a relationship for 1-2 years longer than I needed to be... which then delayed my getting over her phase... even though I was frustrated and upset during the "friends" phase, I still had not dealt with living without her.

Yes, I think no contact or very, very limited is usually best. In the end you want to know the truth. Does she want to be with you? By the time she figures this out do you still want to be with her? Well, again, time to move on.

You've had some good suggestions about how to limit contact but not burn bridges. Its not about punishing anyone. You can let her know that. Its about seeing reality. What is it like to be without the other person. You can let her know you might be able to be present in her life sometime later perhaps, no guarantees, but now is the time to learn what its like to live apart. There's really nothing she can say, if she is trying to understand what is right for her. If you both decide you need each other while you are apart, then great. If one of you changes your mind, you know it wasn't the right time.

You know you are only responsible for your happiness here. So no guilt trips allowed for closing her out if you need to do that for a time.

I know its easier said than done. We can give the best advice to our friends... clearly know when their judgement is clouded... tell them flat out when they are being blind or not acting in their interest... but its hard to apply that same logic to ourselves.

chuff · Dec 13, 2006, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by MeeDee23

What if your ex or soon-to-be ex drops one of these bombs on you:
"Let's be friends"
"I couldn't stand to lose you as a friend"
"I still need you in my life"

Here's a couple
1. I need friends in my life that I can trust, and you've proven that you can't be trusted so I appreciate he offer but no thanks.

2. Actually, with you out of my life I'm going to start focusing on some things I've been putting off so I'm not sure if I'll have time for you.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 13, 2006, 10:19 AM

Friendship is a hard thing to achieve with an ex, especially if it was not mutual. Personally, speaking as a very hurt dumpee (like so many others here) I could not do the friendship thing. I can't really see myself being able to ever achieve that. I know rol says she can do it and I applaud her for being such a strong person. I think in the majority of cases, friendship is a bad hand to play after a break-up unless both of you made a mutual decision to end the relationship. Even then, there are feelings involved and the difficulty of dealing with the ex finding a new partner eventually. Even after an acceptable period of being apart, trying to form a friendship after this acceptable period apart may just conjure up old feelings because of all the history between the two individuals.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 13, 2006, 10:27 AM

You also need to figure out the ex's motivations for wanting to retain a friendship. If they are saying this just to make themselves feel less guilty, then it really is best to shut the door on them completely because they don't really want you as a friend anyway.

If they say it because they want to keep the line of communication open so that if things do not work out with what they are doing, then again, I would reject their suggestion of friendship. My ex kind of did this to me by saying "I think we should just leave it for a while" but there was no chance of friendship. She will never understand that this hurt me more, the fact that she valued me less by hinting that I could be some kind of doormat or revolving door for her if things did not work out for her decision to walk the wild side.

To conclude, my opinion is that the idea of friendship should be considered after careful thought.

You don't want to end up getting hurt again after all.. uggggggghhhhhh

valinors_sorrow · Dec 13, 2006, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Friendship is a hard thing to achieve with an ex, especially if it was not mutual. Personally, speaking as a very hurt dumpee (like so many others here) I could not do the friendship thing. I can't really see myself being able to ever achieve that. I know rol says she can do it and I applaud her for being such a strong person. I think in the majority of cases, friendship is a bad hand to play after a break-up unless both of you made a mutual decision to end the relationship. Even then, there are feelings involved and the difficulty of dealing with the ex finding a new partner eventually. Even after an acceptable period of being apart, trying to form a friendship after this acceptable period of time apart may just conjure up old feelings because of all the history between the two individuals.

I agree with all this and have only this to add. If someone I was just beginning to have serious feelings for introduced me to their ex as a "friend", albeit a casual one, I would be so impressed that they managed to stay friends in the face of so many people failing at that I would want to know more. Or I would be slightly suspicious and want to know more. Either way, I would likely befriend the ex. Over time it would either show up as bs or I would learn a very valuable thing about friendship. And if there is to be bs, I would want to know sooner rather than later. That is one of the bigger risks involved with maintaining relations with an ex, causal or otherwise, which is why I asked Rol on another thread if she would do anything to prevent the new partner from befriending the ex.

Wildcat21 · Dec 13, 2006, 11:11 AM

Chuff - right on!

A lot of that friend stuff is alibi's. Can you handle her seeing someone else?

You can handle the friends thing if you do not have feelings for her.

Don't ever be plan B.

Getting gback together involves TONS of communication, compromise, and the ability to change.

rol · Dec 13, 2006, 11:18 AM

<<which is why I asked Rol on another thread if she would do anything to prevent the new partner from befriending the ex.
>>

No I would have no problem at all!

<<Gettin gback together involves TONS of communication, compromise, and the ability to change.
>>

And how are you going to do that if you are not in casual contact? I think this is where I am confused!! Many definiteions of "friends"!!

talaniman · Dec 13, 2006, 11:43 AM

Just me, once you have gotten to that healthy place don't look back. Not all of our relationships are the deep earth shaking kind, but when feelings are deeply bruised then the best course is be polite, but be gone. The last thing you want is a lot of drama, or an ex who messes in your new life. Or being accused of messing in an exes life. You may think your mature and are, but is everyone around you mature?

Wildcat21 · Dec 13, 2006, 11:57 AM

He's going to meet with her - just on his terms more than hers.

He's in no contact now because she asked for it and to help him heal, change, and figure out what he wants.

Skell · Dec 13, 2006, 03:08 PM

"We will always be friends. i never want to lose that"... Hahahahahahahahaha

I heard this bull before. And that's exactly what it is! Bull! They don't want to be your friend! Why would they? They are breaking up with you. Meaning they don't want to have anything do with you.

It might be OK if you were dating the person for a few months or so. But not after a full blown relationship. Very hard to maintain a friendship in my opinion. And that's all it is!

What's your go here Meedee?

You haven't met the girl yet? You have met her? Your hoping she asks you to be her friend? Your hoping she asks you to start the relationship fresh? You going to dump her?

No one asks hypothetical questions here in the relationships board. They ask them so they can apply the answers to themselves.

So what's the go here? Did you get the answers you wanted to apply to yourself?