[passivetime]

I have for many years doubted all that I have seen and heard. Recently I have been diagnosed with bipolar and mania. I really don't think these things are just in my head! I have others in my family and friends that confirm different aspects of my experiences. It seems to be more intense on the property where I grew up. I had to move back here after my divorce with great hesitation. It was the only option I had at the time and still continue to be forced to stay here. I have since been in a relationship with a man who lives here with me as well. He blows things off that he has witnessed himself. I don't always have a paranoid feeling about certain areas of my house but when I do it is always the same two areas. Also, there is an area in the woods that I avoid at all costs, it seems to be almost a circle of older trees. I only noticed the circle formation recently after 20 years off and on of living here.

I am a very strong christian but have had my moments of falling backward, mostly due to these prominent events in my life. I was brought up to not believe in such things. Although all of my family has had these happenings. My mother won't admit to any of it either, she avoids my questions like a disease. My two brothers have both heard and seen things too. Some of the events have been in direct relation to a horrible accident or small mishap in another sibling's life. Almost a psychic relationship? I had this connection with my father as well, he described it being like a brick wall hitting him. A small example would be me noticing his wallet that he left behind and him calling five minutes later about it saying he knew I had found it.

He passed away 13 years ago and things have only gotten worse for me. The thing I once thought was neat to have I dread every second happening. I honestly hate everything about this and wish it would go away! I don't want to accept any of it, I want to feel peace and happiness. The main issue I am dealing with now is the relationship I am in is turning into the exact type of relationship I have always been in. The guy starts caring and kind but after being with me turns angry and bitter. It's not the guys either, it is whatever is around me. Because once they aren't with me anymore they turn back into the men they once were. Being with me they do and say things they would never have done before or since.

When I get stressed I go through phases that I have no control over. I become very angry and hostile shutting myself down to outside influences. Then I become very alone and worthless feeling even if someone is in the room with me. I usually try to seclude myself in a closet, the same closet every time. I curl up into a ball and cry until I pass out. Usually I wake up and walk around in a trance where I don't care what is happening around me, all I can think of is hurting myself. It is never about hurting anyone around me, only myself.

I have in the past hung myself twice on this property, both times the cord I used has broken and I have fallen to the ground. I have hung long enough to have flashes of things I will never discuss and while I am seeing what I see, something trips me during the flashes as I try to turn and walk away. That's when I have fallen and hit my head on the ground hard enough to leave an indentation on it. I have also cut my wrist in a bathtub of hot water, they stopped bleeding on their own. This whatever it is takes over and torments me past the point I have any control but also keeps me alive?

It really doesn't matter if anyone believes me anymore. I really just want to be at peace like I said. My head feels like a vice grip is on it from the speed my mind goes. I know I don't want to die, I myself when these events are happening feel ashamed and stupid for the actions that happen. In the ER every doctor has talked to me and just let me go home after I talk to them about how I feel. Why would they ever let me go if something was truly wrong with me? I also have a 6th sense of when people have done something to hurt me. I know the instant I am lied to etc. When this happens I force myself to allow the lie to just be, not wanting to confront it. The sick feeling grows inside of my chest until sometimes days later I can't handle it and confront whomever it involves. Every time I have been called crazy or have had to show them the proof I have, which is always revealed to me too, before the lie is admitted to. Has it ever been wrong when that feeling is there... no. I wish. I wish that like I said my heart and soul was at peace. I want to be happy, I am a fun loving person at heart. I laugh and play with my children and friends. I have many health issues that would label me disabled but I still find the strength to do everything I love and cherish. These clouds come and consume me and then leave me. I really don't understand why I can't just live my life without this nonsense! Thank you for reading this if you do. I want to know I am not alone, but on the otherhand I really hope I am and that nobody else has to deal with the things I do.

[TUT317]

Hello Passivetime,

I have a combination of questions and observations.

Are you on medication for bipolar?

After an attempted suicide you say that you were admitted to an E R where the doctors talked to you and then let you go.

If this was the case then what ongoing support were you offered by way of medical and non-medical intervention?

Regards

Tut

[passivetime]

In the past I have been put on antidepression meds, which intensified things. As of right now I have been given lamictal, Klonapen, and trazadone. All this has done has given me a permanent migraine and severe stress when I am around loud noises. After each attempt suicide I have been spoken to by psychiatrist who have deemed me not to be an immediate danger to myself, ha! They themselves did not prescribed me these meds, I went out and did the footwork. No ongoing support other than releasing me to family and having them sign a waiver being responsible for me. Not one time have they ever attempted to contact me to see how I was doing afterward. At one ER episode they wanted me to self admit to a psychiatric ward for treatment. I heard that there is a mixture of people from homicidal, to suicidal at those places with no separation, verifying that info was one of the psychiatrist I've seen. All that does is add more stress to me and I would do far worse in that type of situation. The most recent episode was strange by no doctor being present in the ER. A table was wheeled in with a monitor and webcam. Freaking me out even more with seeing myself on the monitor in a small box to the left of that "doctor". Yet, even though I was completely honest I was given the okay to walk right back out the doors. I don't want to die, it is quite the opposite. I actually have had to fight for my life... all of my life. I have lived through cancer as a child and deal with MANY things such as my heart and lungs etc. now. I really don't understand what takes over at those certain times and causes me to go to a place I know I would never really be able to see myself at times like now.

[Clough]

Hi, passivetime!

What do you normally do during the times that you're awake, please?

Thanks!

[passivetime]

I am your a-typical stay at home mother most of the time. I am 33 and have two children ages 9 and 2. I went through so much physically to have them being told never to have children, and that I never would. When I have time for myself AND I am physically able to I write and draw. I have hands that are affected from severe rhuematoid arthritis(13 years) so it is quite difficult to be creative, but somehow I still force myself to express these things within my heart.

[Clough]

But, you can still type okay. Correct?

Also, what kind of things do you like to draw, please?

Thanks!

[passivetime]

Correct, I can still type okay. I have to use just a couple fingers though and am not very fast. When my fingers start to cramp up, which is often I just come back to it later. When I draw it really depends on my mood what comes out of me. I've done mostly fantasy types of things like dragons and fairies. Mostly I use charcoal as it is easier because I don't have to press as hard for shading.

[Clough]

I'm sorry! I just now noticed your post here!

Did you used to be able to use all of your fingers in order to type, please?

[TUT317]

Hi Passivetime,

You say that after each attempt at suicide you have been spoken to by a psychiatrist who concluded that you are not an immediate danger to yourself.

I am not a doctor and I have had no training in psychology but it would be clear to just about anyone that you are not getting enough emotional support.

Firstly
One would think that with the combination of drugs you have been prescribed that it would be important to be seeing a medical doctor on a regular basis to monitor your physical progress.

Secondly
In my NON-PROFESSIONAL opinion in the majority of cases a management of psychological conditions doesn't involve just medication.
You should have access to a variety of cognitive and behavioral therapists on a regular basis.

Based on what you have outlined anything less is unacceptable.


Regards


Tut

[passivetime]

I have always had issues with staying on track with any of my doctor appointments to be honest. Something will happen and I get discouraged which sets me back. I get to the point where I feel like I really will never be understood and always labeled with something that has nothing to do with what is really going on. The fact that I am not the only one who has dealt with the things I have here proves this even further. I do have a follow up appointment due to being on the meds in a few days with a doctor I found on my own. I will post what he has to say about how I have reacted to these newer meds.

Clough- Is there a rhyme to this reason? I'm starting to really question if I should answer what you are asking any further. Yes, I was able to use all of my fingers at one point. What is that supposed to mean? I'm not trying tobe rude, I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are getting at, thanks.

[TUT317]

I have always had issues with staying on track with any of my doctor appointments to be honest. Something will happen and I get discouraged which sets me back. I get to the point where I feel like I really will never be understood and always labeled with something that has nothing to do with what is really going on. The fact that I am not the only one who has dealt with the things I have here proves this even further. I do have a follow up appointment due to being on the meds in a few days with a doctor I found on my own. I will post what he has to say about how I have reacted to these newer meds.

Hello Passivetime,

As stated before my advice is of a non-professional nature.

I think that it is important that you feel comfortable with the professionals you are dealing with. If you are unhappy with the professionals that you have been to in the past then it is important to let you doctor know of your past history. However, do not reject previous professional help of the basis that no progress is being made or that they don't really understand your problem.

The only way to make such a judgment is after regular therapy sessions.
On the basis of what you have said so far I would image that you need to stick with it for the long term. Don't underestimate the ability of professional in this area. I am sure they would tell you that in the long term your condition can be managed.

Regards

Tut

[Clough]

I have always had issues with staying on track with any of my doctor appointments to be honest. Something will happen and I get discouraged which sets me back. I get to the point where I feel like I really will never be understood and always labeled with something that has nothing to do with what is really going on. The fact that I am not the only one who has dealt with the things I have here proves this even further. I do have a follow up appointment due to being on the meds in a few days with a doctor I found on my own. I will post what he has to say about how I have reacted to these newer meds.

Clough- Is there a rhyme to this reason? I'm starting to really question if I should answer what you are asking any further. Yes, I was able to use all of my fingers at one point. What is that supposed to mean? I'm not trying tobe rude, I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are getting at, thanks.

I'm just trying to find out the things in which you're interested and what you're able to do. That being so that further dialogue can continue so that you might be able to feel better about yourself.

Thanks!

[fielmie]

First of all I'm pretty sure that you are a very high sensitive person ; hsp.
Hsp do intensly feell energy's. Energy's of people,energy's op places etc...
Please read and learn about hsp. I recommend books of elaine aron.

Its also possible that you have entity's around you ''aura lifters'' ,
They suck your energy away and talks to you,to your sub consiousness,manipulating your emotions etc.
This entity's can also manipulate the people who are close with you.
Please do aura-cleansing,ask a blessing to a priest,look out for people who can help you with this , ask God to send help , I'm sure you will
Get help.