[GV70]

(quote) GV70 disagrees : sorry... (end quote)
Family courts tend....

I am sorry-that evaluation was for the post above.I cannot see a button "Delete agree or disagree."

[Seeker2010]

Do California mediators make recommendations to Judge if parents cannot reach an agreement in mediation? If so, will the child be questioned prior to recommendation? When is it appropriate to ask for a complete evaluation? How likely is court to grant temporary visitation in a case where an eleven year old child does not know the father and there is not a custody order in place, and the father is attempting to enter the child's life for the first time.

I would like to adequately prepare my child for any possibility in the near future without adding any unnecessary burdens.

[cdad]

You have the right to ask for a parental evaluation and they can be expensive. But also it could resolve a lot of issues at the same time. With mediation they may or may not make recommendations. They might only state what has been agreed upon.

[Seeker2010]

Do children meet with mediators?

[cdad]

No they do not. In an evaluation they do but not in mediation. That is between the parents only.

[Seeker2010]

The death of another child.

[cdad]

The death of another child.

Then its no surprise that he wants to be involved now. That is one of the hardest things anyone can experience. And Im sure it has changed his attitude completely.

[Seeker2010]

Then its no suprise that he wants to be involved now. That is one of the hardest things anyone can experience.

I agree, but the loss of a sibling is equally traumatic and the best interest of the surviving child should take priority, specially since the child doesn't know the father (by his own choice).

At what point does the court determine that the child has enough to deal with? The timing is most questionable here.

[ScottGem]

Yes, I agree that losing one child can spur a person to dealing with other children. I also think this will influence the courts to provide visitation. But I still doubt if it would be enough for a change in custody.

[Seeker2010]

I agree, but the loss of a sibling is equally traumatic and the best interest of the surviving child should take priority, specially since the child doesn't know the father (by his own choice).

At what point does the court determine that the child has enough to deal with? The timing is most questionable here.

[asking]

At what point does the court determine that the child has enough to deal with? The timing is most questionable here.

I agree with you that the timing is awful. If I were the judge, I'd side with you. But it's hard to say what a judge will say. Every judge is different and this isn't cut and dried.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you have substantial personal support for yourself.

[Seeker2010]

Would it be appropriate to bring anything from the child counselor to the mediation appointment, or anything, for that matter?

[Seeker2010]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you have substantial personal support for yourself.

Thank you, we just do the best we can. Losing a child is difficult enough without worrying about the other's well-being. Words cannot describe it, nor would I wish it on anyone.

Thanks to all for all your responses.

[cdad]

Not really. Your better served waiting. You can bring it up if needed and then if its requested you can offer it. But I wouldn't bring it in with intent. Its boarderline parental alienation in a mediators eyes.

[ScottGem]

Ya know, I'm getting a little tired of people who want help yet withhold pertinent details and throw those details out piecemeal.

The fact that the father lost another child would explain why the sudden interest in another child. But this becomes less explanatory when it turns out this is a sibling who presumably was ignored just as much as the child in question.

After dropping these bits of info bit by bit, I'm not sure I believe much of your story any more. But the bottom line is it will be up to a judge, who will, hopefully, have the full story and be able to make an educated decision.

[Seeker2010]

Ya know, I'm getting a little tired of people who want help yet withhold pertinent details and throw those details out piecemeal.

Scott, my apologies for the piecemeal of information. I can't speak for other posters, but in my case it's difficult to provide specific questions without identifying myself. I suspect other might feel the same. Also, keep in mind those of us who seek help are not as well versed in these matters some of the poster on this board, which is why I asked the questions in generalities and likelihoods.

turns out this is a sibling who presumably was ignored just as much as the child in question.

This is correct.

After dropping these bits of info bit by bit, I'm not sure I believe much of your story any more.

If it sounds like something out of a movie, all I can say is-- I wish it was. Look at my second post in this thread. Like another poster stated, this is not cut and dry and giving too many specifics would reveal the identities of the people involved. I ask merely out of desperation.

Regards,

[asking]

Seeker,
I think you are more anonymous than you realize. As long as you do not identify yourself to anyone here or give your place of work or anything like that, the chances that someone will be able (or even want to) identify you are slight. For example, you can create a new email address for the purposes of signing up here, so that you aren't giving your own regular email.

I also hope you will consult an attorney soon if you haven't already. Sometimes a lawyer seems too expensive, but compared to your child's mental health, a debt might seem a reasonable thing to take on.

The other thing to consider is the possibility that although difficult for you and your child in the short term, the father's involvement could be a good thing in the long run--or at least a mix of good and bad. I'm not arguing that, but you really should at least consider the possibility.

My ex is far from a perfect father but he IS an interested adult in my kids' lives. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me, and he is sometimes emotionally abusive to my kids. This was very hard when they were little, but they have had a place to retreat to when he is impossible--my house. And because they have the power to leave when he is difficult, it's taught him to treat them with more respect. In short, he has become a tolerable father through more practice and limits set by both the kids and by me. I do not think this ever could have happened if he had remained in the house and none of us had a place to flee to. Nowadays, my kids are nearly adult and have turned out well and their father contributes to their well being ( as well as causing all kinds of small dramas... but they are SMALL dramas!)

Good luck.

[asking]

I want to recommend the book Always My Brother, by Jean Reagan.
It's about losing a sibling and it's written for children. Even if your child is a bit older, it might help.

[ScottGem]

First, I understand the feeling that you don't want to identify yourself too much. But unless this is a celebrity case that is very much in the news (and I don't recognize it so far), its unlikely someone is going to identify you. And, if it is such a celebrity case, then I would assume you have a well-established law form advising you which means you don't really need us. Finally, if you are really concerned about you being identified, then why drop the little bits at all?

As for being well-versed in the use of this medium, askers are well served by browsing around a bit before jumping in and posting. There is a knack to asking questions on a site like this, and reviewing other questions and the answers can help you get the best help you can.

I also ask you to put yourself in our shoes. The fact that a loss of a child spurred the father in this case to want to become close to a surviving child is key and definitely affects our answers. But when it turns out the lost child was a sibling who was ignored just as much as the surviving that changes the situation yet again. It becomes very frustrating to spend time answering a question, only to find out your answer was based on a false premise because you were misled by the asker. Finally, we have dealt with people here who like to make up situations to see what reactions they will get. Such times it often typical for such posters to throw out info to counteract the advice being given.

So to sum up. You've been told so far that

a) there is no need to petition for paternity since paternity has already been established
b) there is little likelihood of a change in physical custody unless the mother can be proven unfit
c) there is a strong probability the court will grant visitation, possibly supervised at first

I still feel that nothing more you can say will change that.

[Seeker2010]

Asking, thank you. I will look into it.

Scott, I imagine it's frustrating to answer a question only to find there was pertinent piece of information missing, so thank you for continuing to provide help. When this is all said and done, I will post the results as it may help others in the future. Then you will see the full story and why I had to tread lightly.

Wish us luck, and pray that my child comes out of this unscathed.