[tomriddle4u]

I think that my wife is considering an affair with an ex-boyfriend of hers, so I am hoping for opinions on what to do.

The back story... I apologize for this being to slow long; I'm trying not to leave out any details.

My wife and I met almost a decade ago. She had had a serious relationship with this guy (let's call him "Bob"), but they broke up because he moved far away for his job. I was the second guy that she semi-seriously dated after her relationship ended with Bob. We got married after dating for 2 years.

We had our first child a little more than 4 years ago and our second child three years ago. In the process of juggling two small children, two jobs, etc. we had a rough couple of years. We argued a lot and we discussed both going to marriage counseling and getting divorced. We never did anything, though. I felt like I was her lowest priority in life, so when anything could be put off... it was me.

Late last year, I spent a weekend alone while she visited her parents with the kids. I thought a lot about our marriage and I concluded that I had some major issues that I needed to get past -- mostly I was resentful that she continually felt like I was something that could be taken for granted. When she returned, we had a long, healthy talk and since then I thought that things were better. Literally, a week ago I told a friend that the last six months had been the best six months of our marriage.

Then, I bought us new cell phones and a new cell phone package that included unlimited data usage. She spent an entire night texting with Bob. Initially, this didn't bother me, as I trusted her and he lives several states away. I eventually went to bed, but couldn't sleep... and so I went downstairs to ask her when she was coming to bed... and she starting hiding her cell phone as if she had something to hide. I didn't confront her immediately (again, I trusted her).

The next morning, after not sleeping much, I checked her cell phone and she had deleted all of her text messages with him (she left all of her other texts from other people). At that time (~6am), I asked her about it and she said that nothing was going on and that she deleted the messages because there were so many (Bob is now married... she claimed that they were only talking about kids, houses, etc). She sent me a text (while I was in the house) stating that she loved her family and that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

Later that morning, I decided to sneak a peak at her emails... and in the trash, I found a notification from her Facebook page. There, I found a conversation in which she said "I can't believe how much you have gotten into my thoughts lately. I have amazing dreams. Now I just have to not talk in my sleep". Later on, they discussed meeting next April on a trip that she was planning... and she said something about "April being too far; I want you to myself right now".

After reading all of this, I confronted her and asked her what was going on. She basically claimed that she was being stupid and that she was eliminating Bob as a Facebook friend and as a contact on her cell phone. We again talked about divorce and counseling, but we probably won't do anything. We talked about a couple of other issues and I think made some progress.

I told her that I would have serious trust issues after this entire incident, which unfortunately is true. I am incredibly worried about the two of them planning something for August while I will be traveling. I'd like to trust her, but yet I can't. I'd like to install some spy software on our computer to see if she is still e-mailing him, but I am worried that if I get caught doing that... that I will cause more harm than good.

Do you think that I should keep digging for evidence that they are planning something? Should I trust her? Should I try the spy software? Does it work?

[redhed35]

Don't go the spy route,your trying to trust her again,not make it worse.

I strongly suggest this time you both go to marriage councilling,she has put your relationship at risk and needs to make a concerted effort to get things back on track.

You can't make her want to stay,she has to do these things because she wants too.

I won't say the trust has been broken but it has been seriously battered.

You both can come back from this,but its going to take a lot of effort from both of you.

[Jake2008]

It is highly suspicious that she deleted all of his texts, but nobody else's. It is also suspect as far as the nature of the conversations and possible contact planning with the other man.

That she is 'only texting', so far, I would nip this in the bud, before anything happens past what alreay has.

Anybody can put a key logger program on a computer, but it really crosses the line in my opinion, and regardless of what you think might be going on, she is entitled to her privacy, and not to be spied upon for 'evidence', by you, or anybody else.

You have no right to snoop in her email, or her phone either. Although you found reason or justification for checking, it proves nothing, and continuing to do so won't change the course of whatever history is going to be made. She can use a pay phone, and go to the library to use the internet.

If you are convinced, beyond a reasonable doubt, that something has, or is about to happen with this other man, then stand up for yourself, and don't ask, but tell her you want the truth. If she opposes any disclosure, and you are still convinced that she is hiding something, then arrange couples or marriage counselling to get to the truth.

If after you have tried all you can, and you are still not sure of her fidelity or honesty, then the writing is pretty much on the wall. If you cannot communicate to each other and deal with issues, or solve problems with a professional, then why stay married.

[talaniman]

Tough situation you have going on. While I am not about spying, and such, you did the right thing by confronting her with what you had found, instead of hiding it, but fact is, you are not reassured by her responses.


You better do your own digging about this fellow, get some facts, and go from there. I think I would have pushed for more facts, and let her know that its inappropriate to be in touch with an ex in this manner. Totally inappropriate because that's just how you feel, and she better do a better job of convincing you that ain't nothing happening. I would be downright upset, had I found what you found, and would take no ones word for a darn thing, show me the facts, and let me talk to him, and his wife, or you can get the freak out yesterday. This is not a matter of trust, but crossing the lines of good behavior staying in contact with an ex. That should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.

The only thing that would appease me at this point where you are, is standing over her shoulder while she called him, and ended this contact once and for all, either she do it, or I would, and you can bet I would have his number just in case he was hiding things from his wife the same way she did, by erasing text messages.

I am not an insecure untrusting male at all, and can understand having male friends, no problem, but if you have to hide things (or delete them), that in my book is not the honest way to go, and it would NOT be tolerated, or debated. Get the facts though, before you raise all kinds of hell, on her, or her "friend".

Later that morning, I decided to sneak a peak at her emails... and in the trash, I found a notification from her Facebook page. There, I found a conversation in which she said "I can't believe how much you have gotten into my thoughts lately. I have amazing dreams. Now I just have to not talk in my sleep". Later on, they discussed meeting next April on a trip that she was planning... and she said something about "April being too far; I want you to myself right now".

You are a better man than me, as me and him would have something to talk about, "Stay away from my wife, or me and your wife, will kick your azz!!" If he is indeed married, but I would know that rather quickly, and she would know, also rather quickly, what I was doing, and why!

I don't have to tell you to pay attention, and be ready to do what you got to do.