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stbmrsd · Jun 17, 2010, 12:19 PM

I was to get married to this Sat we were sort of eloping but our friends knew and was going to be there ,Got the license ,outfits and rings .Ready to roll then my big mouth said we should tell our kids mine are young 8 and 11 but his daughter is 18 . My children will be leaving everything they know home,family, friends,school and when I ask them what they thought they said if I was happy they would be happy .
Well the daughter said NO she didn't want us to move in and if we did it wouldn't be like home to her anymore .She is leaving for collage in a few months and will only be here on the weekends if that. I understand she is a Daddy's girls and has had him all to herself for 5 years but she should know he would never marry someone that would stop a relationship between them I would NEVRE do that . As for the house I would like to make it our home . I love him and I want to marry him but he called the wedding off for now to give his daughter time to adjust to it all. I understand that but the reason we were going to move now is so my children could get settled in to the community and not have to change school in the middle of the year or whatever . I don't know what to do . He wants me to get to know her better and all that but I email her and tried to call. We live 1 and half away so its not like I an pop in and say hello lets hit the mall .I invited her to meet me and the boys half way at the pool to spend the day together she doesn't work so it's poss able I just feel helpless and I feel like an 18 year old is calling the shoots of our life .How do I help them how do I make him see she is being selfish and his and our happiness is on the line ?

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2010, 12:29 PM

How long have you been going with this man? Have you had opportunities to be with the daughter and get to know her?

LearningAsIGo · Jun 17, 2010, 12:32 PM

I'm sorry but I agree that you should wait.

Your happiness is not on the line to rush into marrying this man.

ALL of the children should get to know the both of you and each other before becoming family. Your children want you to be happy, of course, but they're too young to realize exactly how big a deal marriage can be. Would you really expect them to tell their Mommy "No"? Of course not! They want to make you happy! Its up to the both of you to take the kids interests to heart - even the 18 yr old.

The wedding is postponed - that doesn't mean the relationship is over. In time, I think you'll see that its probably best that you're taking the time to get to know each other first. Getting married like that sounds to me like you're putting the cart before the horse.

Consider exchanging text with his daughter as well as emails. You can swap photos of your kids, etc. and start a relationship at a distance... it might be a little less intimidating to both of you.

Good luck!

P.S. Involve your husband-to-be as well. He should take an active part in getting all of you to bond.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 17, 2010, 12:38 PM

How long were you seeing this man?
Have you had no relationship with his daughter prior to this and why had he not talked this over with his daughter before you two made wedding plans.

Sounds a bit funny to me.

stbmrsd · Jun 17, 2010, 12:54 PM

We have dated for 5 months I know not long But we want this ,Heck we are not getting younger lol I have been single for 5 years to his 11 . I have been around his daughter about every weekend but she is very very quiet a loner of sorts I like her when she does talk and I would Im her on Facebook from time to time but seems she has bocked me when she is on . I know this is hard for her and I am all about making her comfortable . I guess since she went off on her dad he has felt really bad and is really bending over backwards for her and blowing me off . I tried to talk to him about it but he gets upset .I agree the kids need to get to know each other and my boys do want to make mom happy I understand all that . My thing is the reason we decided to move faster is because of the up coming school year and I am between jobs at the moment it just made sense to us to do it now we were anyway at some point.
Shouldn't sound funny we are adults and she is a young adult starting her own life we just wanted to state ours now nothing funny about it .

LearningAsIGo · Jun 17, 2010, 12:58 PM

5 months!! Wow - I'm 31 and it would bother me if my mom married that quickly.

I know you're both adults, but its not that simple when kids are involved. In a way, you should be glad he loves his daughter and is willing to listen to her viewpoint. A lot of men might not care what his children think. Take your time and enjoy getting to know them both better. Your kids deserve that too - not just his.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 17, 2010, 01:02 PM

5 Months is not a very long time.
How is he with your kids? It was not really fair to spring this on his daughter and it would have really been unfair to do it behind your kids back. Their lives will be affected by this as well.

Take your time to get to know each other, for your kids to get to know each other. Sounds like he has realized this was not such a smart thing to do.

Kitkat22 · Jun 17, 2010, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

5 Months is not a very long time.
How is he with your kids? It was not really fair to spring this on his daughter and it would have really been unfair to do it behind your kids back. Their lives will be affected by this as well.

Take your time to get to know each other, for your kids to get to know each other. Sounds like he has realized this was not such a smart thing to do.

Have you ever thought this might be the best thing that ever happened to you? I know it doesn't seem like it now and I would be furious. Think about it... if she doesn't like you and there are going to be problems in the marriage it's better to find out now. Suppose you had married him and your children were in such a hostile atmosphere, what would you do?

It may work out and it may not, but whatever happens it was meant to be.. . Good Luck

Fr_Chuck · Jun 17, 2010, 01:29 PM

I would run from this man, if he is allowing his kids to run his life, now, he will latter after marriage also.

He has made a choice of who is more important, and you lost.

Take this as a lesson learned.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 17, 2010, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I would run from this man, if he is allowing his kids to run his life, now, he will latter after marriage also.

He has made a choice of who is more important, and you lost.

Take this as a lesson learned.

I think he gave it more thought and he should have before hand
She and he have only known each other for 5 months. They were going to sneak and get married do it without telling the kids.
When you have minor children at home, a marriage to someone is not just about you especially if the children don't really know that person. I think that would have been unfair to all of the kids.

5 months. They don't even know each other. I would not bring a man I have only known for 5 months into the home with my kids, and it is not fair to think his daughter would be overjoyed over him bringing a basic stranger into their house without warning.
Now if they had been dating say a year and there has been talk of marriage that becomes a different story.
Seems to me the 18 year old had more sense than the adults.
__________________
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

Kitkat22 · Jun 17, 2010, 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think he gave it more thought and he should have before hand
She and he have only known each other for 5 months. They were going to sneak and get married do it without telling the kids.
When you have minor children at home, a marriage to someone is not just about you especially if the children don't really know that person. I think that would have been unfair to all of the kids.

5 months. They don't even know each other. I would not bring a man I have only known for 5 months into the home with my kids, and it is not fair to think his daughter would be overjoyed over him bringing a basic stranger into their house without warning.
Now if they had been dating say a year and there has been talk of marriage that becomes a different story.
Seems to me the 18 year old had more sense than the adults.
__________________
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...

stbmrsd · Jun 17, 2010, 05:50 PM

QUOTE by Kitkat"
It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...

No I know what's best for my family and I would never put them in a spot where I thought it would harm them in anyway .He is wonderful with my boys and I totally respect his daughters feelings ,But She also has to respect the fact we are adults and we are moving on with the life we planned but we are also giving her time to adjust (oh so grown up arnt we) It's like this I am 36 he is 45 it's not a game it's not some 18 year olds begging their parents .She doesn't know better then us and that's the simple fact . But respect her wishes is something WE are willing to do . We will be married in due time .I love this man he loves me and I want to share the rest of my life with him and I will not run from him ,If I did where is the love and trust in that . When he ask me to marry him I said Yes I meant it . Sure we ran with the marriage we are in love and it's not like our children don't know each other and its not like we all don't get along .So sure it was fast... So we will work on it from here thanks for the advice

Kitkat22 · Jun 17, 2010, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...[/QUOTE

No I know what's best for my family and I would never put them in a spot where I thought it would harm them in anyway .He is wonderful with my boys and i totally respect his daughters feelings ,But She also has to respect the fact we are adults and we are moving on with the life we planed but we are also giving her time to adjust (oh so grown up arnt we) It's like this I am 36 he is 45 it's not a game it's not some 18 year olds begging their parents .She doesnt know better then us and thats the simple fact . But respect her wishes is something WE are willing to do . We will be married in due time .I love this man he loves me and i want to share the rest of my life with him and I will not run from him ,If I did where is the love and trust in that . When he ask me to marry him I said Yes I meant it . Sure we ran with the marraige we are in love and it's not like our children dont know eachother and its not like we all dont get along .So sure it was fast ....So we will work on it from here thanks for the advice

I really hope you two have a wonderful life together.. . Kit

Homegirl 50 · Jun 17, 2010, 10:16 PM

Well it's good that you're giving her time and your kids too.
You two are adults who love each other but your kids have to live with your decision too so their feelings should be considered.
5 months is quick, that is hardly anytime at all. You really owe yourselves and your kids more time.

Alty · Jun 17, 2010, 10:23 PM

I just have to say that I'm shocked.

You were going to get married this Saturday and you didn't tell your kids?

They're not that young. Mine are 7 and 11, and believe me, they would be shocked if I just up and got married (even though I already am) without telling them, and to a man you've only known for 5 months.

There's no hurry. What's another year, or 2, in order to get to know each other? Not just you and him, but involve the kids too. This isn't only your decision, it effects everyone in the family. Eloping on a whim is best done by people without responsibilities.

ZoeMarie · Jun 17, 2010, 10:34 PM

I do agree that it's best to wait and everyone should get to know each other in the meantime.

Also... I'm kind of putting myself in his daughter's shoes, trying to understand why she is against it because my dad got married very quick after my mom passed away. Is her mom in the picture? How long has her dad been single? I know you said that she had him all to herself for a while, but did they get divorced or did something else happen?

Could be a reason that she's a loner too. Maybe she's going through something that you don't know about.

stbmrsd · Jun 18, 2010, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I do agree that it's best to wait and everyone should get to know each other in the meantime.

Also... I'm kinda putting myself in his daughter's shoes, trying to understand why she is against it because my dad got married very quick after my mom passed away. Is her mom in the picture? How long has her dad been single? I know you said that she had him all to herself for a while, but did they get divorced or did something else happen?

Could be a reason that she's a loner too. Maybe she's going through something that you don't know about.

They broke up when she was 3 so she doesn't even remember them being marrried . I know she felt abandoned by her mother 3 years ago when her mother got married but the fact she wasn't . But I can't fix the way she feels . We use to chat and everything but now she ignores any attempt I make but I love her dad and I will work with her on it hopefully when she See's how happy her dad is she will understands . I don't know that's why I posted here. Now I feel like this Horrible women trying to steal a father from his daughter and that's sort of not normal . Anyway hope all has a great weekend going to go spend it with Mr.Wonderful himself :)

Homegirl 50 · Jun 18, 2010, 07:45 AM

No one has accused you of stealing a father from his daughter. We have questioned why the hurry (after dating for 5 months) to run off and get married without telling the kids first and giving the kids time to get to know one another.

Marrying someone after 5 months is fast, and if it is just you that's cool, it only affects the two of you. But when you bring kids in the mix, it becomes in my opinion a bit selfish and irresponsible.

J_9 · Jun 18, 2010, 08:02 AM

5 months does not a relationship make. At 5 months you are only scratching the surface of quirks.

I have been on this earth a mere 46 years and my limited time in existence has taught me that it takes time to build a relationship that does NOT include children. 5 months is not that long.

Now, when you throw children in the mix, you have to extend that time. Not only do the two of you have to get to know each other, but now you are expecting children to acclimate to a new lifestyle. This is not easy for children of any age.

If you want this relationship to survive, you need to slow it way down. Bring each family together for at LEAST a year. Let everyone get to know each other on mane different levels before you try to blend them all together.

Kitkat22 · Jun 18, 2010, 10:13 AM

We don't try to hurt you or anyone else... but children should have a say when a parent remarries. Get to know each other... I think the daughters concern may have been the short
Romance... rushing to marry.

She wants her Dad to be happy and if it's meant to be you will.