[steckj45]

I am a male and have occasionally joked with a female coworker over the years and she has initiated and joke with me as well in a very mild sexual way from time to time. Recently her husband found the IM's on her computer and then found my name and number and called me on my office line to tell me he was going to our HR dept to complain and for me to never talk to his wife again. Can I be fired for this??

[JudyKayTee]

Yes, of course, if it rises to a level of sexual harassment. In some States you can also be sued, as can your employer.

[steckj45]

Thanks for the info, I just wanted to add that we are friends and it has always been in a joking way, never in any way harassment. Dumb I realize but always thought to be just joking, she has never made any comments otherwise and on many occasions, initiated the comments to me.

[Curlyben]

You could very well be in breach of your companies IT and communications policy concerning this type of activity.
That alone could be grounds for Gross Misconduct.

[J_9]

It really does not matter that it's joking. Many companies these days have sexual harassment policies. Anything of any sexual nature can be considered harassment and can be grounds for dismissal.

[JudyKayTee]

Apparently your idea of joking (and what is appropriate) and her husband's idea of joking (and what is appropriate) are two different things.

I stand by my earlier advice. Unfortunately sexual harassment/inappropriate conversations are a landmind right now.

If the messages had been sent to your wife, would you have been offended?

[ScottGem]

In my opinion, I don't think sexual harassment comes into play here. From your description, this was a mutual thing and your co-worker is not making a complaint. Her husband has no real standing in the company to make a complaint. I would think that HR would not react to the complaints from a third party.

Where I think your real vulnerability is, is from violating corporate policy on the use of computing resources. This will be taken more seriously if there is, in fact a violation of corporate policy.

[steckj45]

I told my wife all about them and showed them to her, she knows my sense of humor and also knows that I am completely and totally in love with her and that joking at work is something I have been doing my whole life. I never go to the extent that it would be harmful or harassment in any way whatsoever and if I was told that I was by another individual it would stop immediately. I just can't live in a world that is business-like that joking is taken so seriously. If I could take to her husband I would sincerely apologize and tell him it will NEVER happen again and that I am very happily married and consider his wife a friend and coworker ONLY.

[steckj45]

Thank you everyone for the feedback and info. Thank you ScottGem as well, from everything I have found online about sexual harassment, this does not fall into that category. And yes, I am much more concerned about the corporate policy regarding the use of company PCs and technology. I can only hope that my 9 year track record of being an exceptional employee will outweigh any poor judgement I have used in regard to communication tools. Again, how stupid on my part after being in IT for over 17 years, I know the audit trails and all about how electronic info is backed up and kept for long periods. Dumb dumb dumb, I feel horrible and I guess I should.

[asking]

I just took a three hour course on sexual harassment as part of a hiring process.

First of all, ScottGem is right that this might violate your company's IT policy as a misuse of company resources--at least if you spent any significant time doing it. If it's just a minute here or there, they are not likely to object.

As for sexual harassment, it isn't necessary for the object of your jokes to complain, as sometimes the victims of harassment are afraid to offend. If others are exposed to the sexual jokes, then they can object. Even if no one objects, it is still wrong. If you are in a position of any authority over this woman, then that makes your comments more damaging to you. But these issues are not limited to what happens to people inside the company. For example, it's not okay to make sexual or personal comments to clients or suppliers, nor should they make personal comments to people within the company.

In general, I would say that if you are so funny, it should not be difficult for you to find things to joke about other than sex. People can be extremely funny on all kinds of topics that are not personal, not put downs, not racial, and not sexual. Go for it!

Given that you have upset your friend's husband, I think you should apologize to him thoroughly and quickly. Call him up and either apologize on the phone or ask to meet with him in person, if he's willing. Don't put this off!

[JudyKayTee]

Agree - a complaint of sexual harassment does NOT have to come from "offended" party. I can hear you harassing someone and make a complaint, as can her husband.

What your wife finds funny may not be funny to my husband - that's the problem here.

I agree - whatever you are going to do I would do it quickly.

Also if sexual harassment disrupts the workplace it is "usually" grounds for dismissal.

[ScottGem]

I also agree that a complain does not have to come from the other party. But I think it would have to come from an employee.

What I would do in this case, is ask the woman to explain to her husband and offer to have him talk to you so you can apologize and tell him it won't happen again.

[asking]

I actually don't agree with Scott this time. I think it would be braver to go to the husband directly, with hat in hand as it were. This is going to work a lot better than talking to his wife some more! He may be angry at first, but just showing up and apologizing and not making excuses will diffuse the situation more than drawing it out by using the wife as an intermediary.

He is probably angry with her too, but let them work that out separately. (Why for example was the husband checking her IMs?)

[ScottGem]

I don't disagree with trying to con tact the husband directly, but I get the impression the OP is not in direct contact. And, while it may be brave it may also be foolhardy. One should never approach someone you know is angry with you, without laying some groundwork.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm walking a middle line here - I can see a face-to-face conversation turning nasty and over the phone being rebuffed. I think I would lay low and HOPE the husband blew off enough steam to calm down. Hopefully the wife who received the messages also doesn't want to be embarrassed - I get the impression that the "joking" MIGHT have gone in both directions.