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chosen1 · Dec 10, 2006, 09:33 PM

X and I broke up about six months ago after being together three yrs and living with each other for 2. Wasn't a bad break up and have still been good friends. She jumped in anotherr relationship after ours and just broke it off with him. Anywayz... she asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits(sleep with each other). I want this girl back and I have been giving her plenty of space and been dating a lot of others people. I still truly love and care about her. What do I do?

aptdwellers · Dec 10, 2006, 09:48 PM

I am speaking as a woman and as a person who has MANY TIMES been in the "friends with benefits" situation. You stated that you want this girl back. It is not beneficial to you to be a "friend with benefits" if you cannot emotionally handle the disattachment that comes with the role.

Have you countered her offer of being friend with benefits by asking her if she would like to pursue a 2nd chance at being in a romantic relationship?

Trust me when I say that "friends with benefits" is a very dangerous relationship to be in if you really love and care about a person. It's emotionally trying on YOU, not on the person who wants only the friendship with free sex.

In the end, of course, people do what their heart wants them to do without regard to what their head is telling them, but you will be much better off emotionally and in terms of your personal spiritual evolution if you refrain from her offer and think about what type of relationship would truly make you happy. If you are really searching for true love, 'friends with benefits' is poor tradeoff - you deserve more than that.

Good luck to you!

letmetellu · Dec 10, 2006, 09:48 PM

Friends with benefits is not a good thing... you are also having benefits with all the others that she may have had her benefits with

talaniman · Dec 10, 2006, 09:59 PM

Not a healthy relationship this FWB, in that you have an emotional attachment that will get your heart broken, no doubt. She will never come back, so instead leave her alone and heal yourself and build a healthy life doing the things you enjoy, and let her do her thing. Time to get real, and do your own thing with someone who can appreciate who you are, and return what you give to them.

Allheart · Dec 11, 2006, 01:55 AM

Oh Tal,

Had to spread the rep. BINGO!! Chosen, read Tal's advice several times!!

Hurty · Dec 11, 2006, 02:14 AM

Friends with benefits
z really a good thing to talk about...
but when we say frndz do we mean real frndz...
or just frndz to give sex...
to be honest I think some times we need this kind of frndship..
but I think we will need it also as a real meaning of frndz..
I know how much z dangerous to be in a relation like this but some people thinks when we know what we want nothing will happened but they don't know that sometimes our hearts let us down and make us full in love maybe for the 1st time or again with our (FWB)...
I really don't know how to solve such a prob. But I'm satying around to know more...

Wildcat21 · Dec 11, 2006, 09:01 AM

For get the friends with benefits - if you have feelinsg for this women it will NEVER work.

FWB is really unhealthy.

Saintas · Dec 11, 2006, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

For get the friends with benefits - if you have feelinsg for this women it will NEVER work.

FWB is really unhealthy.

100% agree .Well said .

Tuscany · Dec 11, 2006, 11:17 AM

Going into a FWB relationship with serious feelings is not a good thing. It is a pathway for disaster and heartache. Move on, see other people, be friends. Maybe after time you can be more then FWB.

Wildcat21 · Dec 11, 2006, 11:42 AM

Yep leave her alone for now. No contact is the best thing. You will also heal yourself.

Make her miss you. Don't give yourself away.

Allheart · Dec 11, 2006, 02:23 PM

The very first time I head the term "Friends with Benefits" was on this site. Don't think I quite get it at all. What is that mess? Is this something new?? What's next, I will marry you but don't get any crazy ideas that we will live together. Oh my. Sorry, that just struck me.

Chosen, I know this must be so difficult for you. And you will be okay, more than okay. I agree with those who say... do not have any contact with her... yes, it gives her space... but it gives you the space as well. You need the space, do so some serious thinking, heal from these difficulties, and to just free yourself from the sadness of this breakup. Maybe it would help to make a list of the things you like to do (without her), and try and do at least one of them a day, or a week. Chosen, do something for yourself.
Try and not think nor worry what she is doing or how she is doing. Put that energy on yourself.

I do wish you the very best.

s_cianci · Dec 11, 2006, 07:43 PM

In a "friends with benefits" situation, someone always ends up getting burned. In this case, given the way you still feel about her, that someone is going to be you if you go for it. I'd tell her that "friends with benefits" is not an option and it's either all or nothing. You may not like her response but you'll come away all the stronger for it and she'll respect you all the more for having conviction and standing by it.

Hurty · Dec 12, 2006, 12:16 AM

Hey
After what I saw and your words...
I think its true that In a "FWB"someone always ends up getting burned
As ((s_cianci)) said but when you love this guy or girl very much I think u`ll never c that you are burning in this relation...
So better for you to stay away from her as much as you can to not get hurt again...