[crazylyn]

My DIL moved into our home at 17 from her foster parents home. They were so happy to get rid of her and had her belongings out at the front of the house and had a meeting with me to let me know just how unruley she was. Of course, I didn't listen because I saw something in her that I liked.
OMG, 13 years later and the whole family has been turned upside down by this girl. She constantly lies and is angry at the whole world and we get punished for it.
She started causing problems between my son and his brother and then through the years it escalated to trying to cause problems between my son and I.
She yells everyday about anything. My son came from a home that was level and happy most all the time and we respected each other very much.
He is kind of laid back and she screams at him for everything he does, checks his emails, and berates him anytime and anywhere.
Now they have two kids and she has verbally abused them since the 6 year old girl was 2. She screams at the kids every day of her life, she put her hand through the bedroom window because my son would not stay and argue with her, instead he left to go to work. Now she has barely any use of her hand and we all suffer for it.
This could be a book so I will make it as short as I can.
My son now is a very frustrated 33 year old man with a short fuse because of the constant battering that she does. (verbally)
I have treated her like a daughter all these years but I have come to the point where I am about to squash her big time. She disrespects me and everyone. Everything that happens (I laugh) even if a fly would land on her it would be my sons fault.
She makes my son leave the car every day so they have to get the kids up early to get my son to work, just because she won't walk one block to take my grandaughter to the school bus. She has no friends because nobody will put up with her rage and critism all the time. There has been so many instances, I couldn't possible go into them.
I worry about my son's and my grandkids mental health as I grew up in a similar situation with my father. My son was laid off as a welder and now is working minimum wage and trying to provide for the family but his anxiety his way high and he now has scoriasis because of the stress. They can't separate because my son does not want to be away from the kids (he loves them so much) and they cannot afford to be separate. Help, please before we all end up having strokes from the stress.

[twinkiedooter]

Does your son and his wife live with you or are they living elsewhere? Does the DIL hold a job?

From the description of her behavior it sounds like she would be a good candidate to be labeled a bipolar. I see a lot of bipolar behavior in her actions. They are very manipulative, demanding, and irrational at times.

[crazylyn]

Does your son and his wife live with you or are they living elsewhere? Does the DIL hold a job?

From the description of her behavior it sounds like she would be a good candidate to be labeled a bipolar. I see a lot of bipolar behavior in her actions. They are very manipulative, demanding, and irrational at times.

They live a block away and she does not work due to her putting her hand through the window. You could be right. Sometimes she can be an angel... sometimes.

[KBC]

OMG, 13 years later and the whole family has been turned upside down by this girl. She constantly lies and is angry at the whole world and we get punished for it.

I'm sorry it has taken this long for things to finally be addressed,but perhaps there is a solution.

I can only imagine your frustration.

I am bipolar,I do know what I put others through(once treated),not only the medications having to reach a therapeutic level(which takes a long time),but the therapy involved to educate ME much less those I offended(who didn't care to be educated as to the illness,in my case)

IF she is diagnosed as being bipolar,or any other possible disorders,, are you and your son still willing to see things through?

If you are,holding back because you are afraid you might be hurt will show like a beacon to her mind, you won't give all she would need for support, making her seem a pariah.(Of which it sounds as she feels already)

Her screams at others are screams for help.Are you willing to help,or have things finally gone on long enough?

[Jake2008]

I think it is in your son's best interest to do the right thing by his children. That seems to be protecting them from their mother.

I would begin documenting all that you have said, and all that you have not said, with regard to her aggressive personality, anger, manipulative, and abusive ways. Keep a close eye on the children and observe for signs that don't appear to be 'normal' such as withdrawal, depressive thoughts, eating problems, difficulty at school, etc.

Speak to your son about seeing a lawyer to establish custody of the children, in order to provide a safer environment for them. Their well being is at stake here, and will be as affected, or more affected, by their mother's behaviour, than he is.

He needs to know legally what he can do to secure interim custody, and what he can and cannot do.

If the situation were reversed, most would encourage the mother to flee for the safety of herself and her children. This is no different, except it is him that has to flee and protect his children.

If he chooses to stay with his abusive wife, knowing how damaging her behaviour is to himself and his children, there is nothing you can do. I suspect that the children will eventually be seen in school as having problems due to the home environment, and hopefully someone will recognize that they are in need of help.

I have no sympathy for his wife. There is nothing stopping her from taking positive action to change. She makes the choice not to, whether that means seeing her doctor for an evaluation of possible mental health problems, or taking medication and attending counselling to cope with whatever the diagnosis is. Obviously there is something wrong and she chooses not to address it.

[KBC]

I am from the other side of this Jake,I was the one with the problem,and I didn't even know I HAD a problem.

One has to be enlightened before they are shoved out the door.

It took me a separation,a week drunk,a broken hand,a cast over that hand,and then even more pain and suffering for me to even come to terms that it was ME with the problem,not everyone else.I would guess it took more than 6-9 months before the clouds began to disperse.

I am one to believe that staying together would be better on the kids... IF... she goes for the help she needs.

Breaking up is easy.

Running or avoiding problems as a unit is easy.

Facing them as a unit is tough,but can strengthen something which seems to already be there.

They have been together for the last 13 years after all.

[twinkiedooter]

KBC I know you have the bipolar condition but what you don't seem to fathom is the fact that when a bipolar is in an everyday rage against their family members the victims can suffer irreparable mental/emotional damage from such rages. Also, the family members become extremely timid and stressed out from continuously walking on eggs so as not to enrage the bipolar person.

Both my son and I were the victims of my bipolar boyfriend who was not only physically wrecking my home but physically and mentally wrecking my son and myself. How would you like to clean up the mess that a bipolar made while in one of his rages? Not fun, not fun, believe me. Also, bipolars impose ridiculous rules upon family members that can never be adhered to correctly according to the bipolar. And what I find most odd is most bipolar people are slobs and yet they insist that others be neatniks. Go figure.

Quite honestly I would not opt to just trying to cope with a bipolar who refuses to take meds or understand their condition. If it took KBC 9 months to "calm down" and start playing nice, who knows how long it will take the DIL to start playing nice and stop belittleing husband and kids.

I'm sorry if I sound a little strong here, but if I just tap danced around being a former bipolar victim and the hurt I endured I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I still have nightmares from this guy.

Someone who is a bipolar does not understand what havoc they can wreak upon another person mentally and emotionally that will effect that victim for years to come. The children who are victims do not understand what is happening to them.

May I suggest that your son and his children come to your home to live and let the DIL live in their home alone.

[twinkiedooter]

They have been together for the last 13 years after all.

Sorry to disagree with you but being in hell for 13 years is NOT fun for the victims - but lots of fun for the bipolar person.

[KBC]

Sorry to disagree with you but being in hell for 13 years is NOT fun for the victims - but lots of fun for the bipolar person.

I don't hand out reddies,but there you are totally off.If this is to infuriate me in some way,you failed.

[KBC]

KBC I know you have the bipolar condition but what you don't seem to fathom is the fact that when a bipolar is in an everyday rage against their family members the victims can suffer irreparable mental/emotional damage from such rages. Also, the family members become extremely timid and stressed out from continuously walking on eggs so as not to enrage the bipolar person.

And you generalize that ALL people with bipolar are as your situation was.:mad:

Both my son and I were the victims of my bipolar boyfriend who was not only physically wrecking my home but physically and mentally wrecking my son and myself. How would you like to clean up the mess that a bipolar made while in one of his rages? Not fun, not fun, believe me. Also, bipolars impose ridiculous rules upon family members that can never be adhered to correctly according to the bipolar. And what I find most odd is most bipolar people are slobs and yet they insist that others be neatniks. Go figure.

Again,this is a total generalization.. not a rational thought in the real world,where there are many different degrees of persecution/victim.

Quite honestly I would not opt to just trying to cope with a bipolar who refuses to take meds or understand their condition.

Where does this person state that there has been a diagnosis?

If it took KBC 9 months to "calm down" and start playing nice, who knows how long it will take the DIL to start playing nice and stop belittleing husband and kids.

Indeed,how long will it take?If ever.Or maybe,with LOVE AND CARING this can be addressed and a functional family can be made from it.. some people aren't quitters, that's why I stated the 13 years already invested.

I'm sorry if I sound a little strong here, but if I just tap danced around being a former bipolar victim and the hurt I endured I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I still have nightmares from this guy.

And I am sorry you had to go through that, but don't make your problem someone else's.

Someone who is a bipolar does not understand what havoc they can wreak upon another person mentally and emotionally that will effect that victim for years to come. The children who are victims do not understand what is happening to them.

And you understood and enlightened this past b/f of yours?It took how long?You are being seriously way too judgmental and generally prejudiced towards all people with bipolar,or ANY metal illness.

[crazylyn]

My DIL moved into our home at 17 from her foster parents home. They were so happy to get rid of her and had her belongings out at the front of the house and had a meeting with me to let me know just how unruley she was. Of course, I didn't listen because I saw something in her that I liked.
OMG, 13 years later and the whole family has been turned upside down by this girl. She constantly lies and is angry at the whole world and we get punished for it.
She started out causing problems between my son and his brother and then through the years it escalated to trying to cause problems between my son and I.
She yells everyday about anything. My son came from a home that was level and happy most all the time and we respected each other very much.
He is kind of laid back and she screams at him for everything he does, checks his emails, and berates him anytime and anywhere.
Now they have two kids and she has verbally abused them since the 6 year old girl was 2. She screams at the kids every day of her life, she put her hand through the bedroom window because my son would not stay and argue with her, instead he left to go to work. Now she has barely any use of her hand and we all suffer for it.
This could be a book so I will make it as short as I can.
My son now is a very frustrated 33 year old man with a short fuse because of the constant battering that she does. (verbally)
I have treated her like a daughter all these years but I have come to the point where I am about to squash her big time. She disrespects me and everyone. Everything that happens (I laugh) even if a fly would land on her it would be my sons fault.
She makes my son leave the car every day so they have to get the kids up early to get my son to work, just because she won't walk one block to take my grandaughter to the school bus. She has no friends because nobody will put up with her rage and critism all the time. There has been so many instances, I couldn't possible go into them.
I worry about my son's and my grandkids mental health as I grew up in a similar situation with my father. My son was laid off as a welder and now is working minimum wage and trying to provide for the family but his anxiety his way high and he now has scoriasis because of the stress. They can't seperate because my son does not want to be away from the kids (he loves them so much) and they cannot afford to be seperate. Help, please before we all end up having strokes from the stress.

My son is very confused and anxious because this is his first relationship and without money he doesn't know where to go from here. I have offered to take the kids for her to get help but she just doesn't budge.

[KBC]

My son is very confused and anxious because this is his first relationship and without money he doesn't know where to go from here. I have offered to take the kids for her to get help but she just doesn't budge.

If she is a danger to the kids,have them removed, by the father.

If he isn't willing to do this, ask yourself,, what is in this for him?How does he benefit from keeping the kids in this situation?

If it's her who needs the help,perhaps the state needs to investigate the welfare of the kids.

[twinkiedooter]

KBC I'm sorry to have "upset" you but quite frankly you NEVER lived with a bipolar person I HAVE. And yes, my former boyfriend was supposed to take meds but refused. After trashing out my home on several occasions I showed him the door.

And yes, I know several other bipolars who acted just like my former boyfriend. So my blanket statement in my mind proves otherwise.

Just because you had to have someone leave you, get drunk for a week, etc, etc, shows me you are just gut reacting to my statements and nothing more. Your righteous indignation falls on deaf ears here. Sorry.

And the OP needs to definitely keep the children's well being both mentally and emotionally in mind. The physical well being is obvious.

It's hard to deal with anyone who is a bipolar. Just because a formal diagnosis has not been made would it be wrong to say that someone has a broken leg because a bone is protruding from the skin and the person can't stand up? Of course. You don't need a doctor to determine a full blown diagnosis of a broken leg. You are getting way, way too defensive which is also a symptom of bipolar. Blame everything on the other person. I lived with the boyfriend for 1 1/2 years and he only got WORSE not better regardless of how patient and understanding I was. I bent over backwards for this guy and all he did was run over me with a steam roller demanding more and more impossible rules to be met.

[twinkiedooter]

My son is very confused and anxious because this is his first relationship and without money he doesn't know where to go from here. I have offered to take the kids for her to get help but she just doesn't budge.

Your son needs to leave the kids with you (even for a few weeks) while he sorts out his life. Take him to a mental health counselor or to an attorney to figure out what to do in his situation. This can't go on indefinitely as he will (and you too) will be so stressed out by her you both won't be able to think straight.

You need to sit down with your son and speak candidly about her to him and how he's just being afraid of taking any kind of action. After 13 years she has become more than a habit in his life and he's overlooking all of her faults. She does not act like a mother or wife so why stick around? Longevity in a relationship only breeds contempt on the part of one party. She's the contempt party in this situation.

His children will grow up thinking her erratic and damaging behavior is normal "mommy" behavior. It is not normal mommy behavior. Your son is a victim in this and needs to have his eyes opened fully.

[crazylyn]

KBC: I like your thinking and thank you for showing me how to answer.
This girl, has been given unconditional love from especially me and the family for all 13 years. I actually have enabled her by letting her disrespect me and this has stopped as of late.
We don't know if she has bi-polar but I really don't think so. She has no highs and lows. She had her jaw broken when she was 8 months old by her drug addicted father and was put in foster care where they tried to treat her kindly. She obviously has no intention of going for help as she listens to nothing I say. I am a very compassionate person and I love her I just don't like her. If she went for help, she would blame everything on my son and she would not tell the truth at all. Its all very frustrating.

[crazylyn]

She came to an outing on the weekend after fighting with my son, he brought his daughter to the outing. She showed up and tried to take my grandaughter and said she was packing.(She has nowhere to go) Then she turned on me and said thanks for not coming to me in my need. You are all in trouble and I see you all are on his side.
Late that night she IM me and said thanks mom for feeding and bathing my daughter... love you. Its like Jeckle and Hyde.

[twinkiedooter]

She came to an outing on the weekend after fighting with my son, he brought his daughter to the outing. She showed up and tried to take my grandaughter and said she was packing.(She has nowhere to go) Then she turned on me and said thanks for not coming to me in my need. You are all in trouble and I see you all are on his side.
Late that night she IM me and said thanks mom for feeding and bathing my daughter....love ya. Its like Jeckle and Hyde.

They are particularly adept at manipulation of other people. Quite common trait of a bipolar. They truly are Jeckle and Hyde. You hit it on the head quite nicely in your observation of her behavior. The other part about her packing up and leaving is quite common as well - even if they have nowhere else to go they will continually threaten with this type of hollow threat making the target person feel bad for upsetting them. I know all their little tricks and stunts and how they can twist things around to make it seem that they are the victim in ANY situation.

[crazylyn]

Yes, you are right Twinkiedooter, the kids will have to come and live here for awhile because I am afraid my son will snap at one point and then he will go to jail.
She does not physically abuse them but the yelling and anger all the time has already made the 6 year old disrespect her.

[KBC]

KBC: I like your thinking and thank you for showing me how to answer.
This girl, has been given unconditional love from especially me and the family for all 13 years. I actually have enabled her by letting her disrespect me and this has stopped as of late.
We don't know if she has bi-polar but I really don't think so. She has no highs and lows. She had her jaw broken when she was 8 months old by her drug addicted father and was put in foster care where they tried to treat her kindly. She obviously has no intention of going for help as she listens to nothing I say. I am a very compassionate person and I love her I just don't like her. If she went for help, she would blame everything on my son and she would not tell the truth at all. Its all very frustrating.

I really do understand your frustration and I'm sorry you are going through this.Perhaps there is a solution somewhere,maybe we can explore some possibilities.
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

This site is one I ask people to look into,it has helped many people in your situation.Setting clear boundaries for your own self,much less for the kids' would be a great way to get this burden you are carrying off your shoulders.It might also allow you to look at things with a new perspective.

My situation made it so I left my family,both blood relatives and the marriage,I left because I saw that I needed to find out just what I had become.For me,this was the right thing to do.

In other peoples lives,I don't really suggest this method as I simply rejected mental health(as I didn't really know what it was that I was suffering from)too many other things caused this to spiral out of control.I found a new way of living through isolation,geographic changes,and then medications/therapy.

If you can set more boundaries,letting go of the outcome(as the site suggests)then the burden is not on you,it is,however,on your son's shoulders,and his wife's.Some things we cannot change,namely other people,they have to change because they want to.

The hardest thing I have asked others to do in similar situations is to show tough love,to close off your feelings towards situations which for all the fretting you do,you aren't going to change.Accepting that this is the situation,the marriage is not yours to get in the middle of,might be the very hardest thing you ever have to do.

I would really like to hear your son's take on all this.You said in another post that he might snap, what does that mean?Is he angered by all this?How does he come across to you in these hard times?

The site I added also goes into co-dependency,enabling and many other areas most of us can relate to,not all of these are defects,just human behaviors( as long as they are in moderation,balanced,etc.)

I am wondering how he has reacted and LIVED like this for the past 13 years,my hat's off to him for sure.

[crazylyn]

KBC. When I say snap, I mean, he is such a (or always was) a gentle soul but I can see the change in him (frustration/anger) and there is a limit to what anyone can take and what if he knocked her out or something? I hate abuse, but in my mind, I wouldn't blame him. She was in a relationship before him and the guy pointed a gun at her. I just couldn't bare it if he ended up in jail because of her.
My father verbally and physicall abused my mother for years and years and one day she snapped and went after him with a knife. The result... she ended up having to go for mental health help. She withstood this misery for 53 years.