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Saker · Aug 9, 2004, 04:07 PM

Does everyone get scared of the transition of moving in with their other half? Is there any right/wrong way of going about it, or a way to allay these fears? Is it a learning process to live with someone else, or should you be able to just do it? My other half is worried that it might wreak things instead of making things better as we hope and he will have left things behind for nothing. It's not like I'm not nervous too, but I believe that it would be good for both of us in the long run. However, I only want to ease his nerves not push him to my way of thinking, that would defeat the object of a relationship.

We have sort of lived together before for about 8 months. Well, it was more of a me living in his room, not sharing a bed, in a shared house with three others. Less than ideal conditions, and it was years ago when I was very very naïve and didn't know what living together meant so was very clingy and overpowering, I've learnt the hard way since then, but he doesn't quite believe me. The experience of then has left him worried that he'll not be able to live with me, he doesn't seem to think that it was mainly down to the situation and me being very bery inexperienced at the whole relationship business.

Any advice on soothing his nerves or the whole moving in together thing would be appreciated!

Thanks all!

sarah1010 · Aug 10, 2004, 02:26 AM

Sounds like you've got somewhat of a tough situation on your hands. One of my very good friends is going through the same situation as you are, but I don't think she has matured enough in her relationship to see the whole "moving in" together stage as you do. She was and is still very clingy and won'y give him enough personal space, resulting in him being super afraid to move in with her. My advice is give him space hun, guys need their space no matter how much they care about you. If he is ready and willing to move in with you, and you're sure you want to take that step than just make sure that you take things slowly. Nothing is worse than scaring your man away by trying to control his every movements now that you'll be roomies.I'm sure what scares him is just knowing that you will be there his every waking moment and before he goes to sleep. As romantic as that seems to us girls, thinking of that can send guys running for the hills because it means hardcore commitment. But relax, He obviously cares about you very much if you plan on moving in together, just take it slowly and show him that you're not in any rush and that you just want to be able to spend time with him. Godd luck :) xox

artistall · Aug 10, 2004, 07:00 AM

It seems that the real issue here is getting him to realize that you have grown and understand the former issues that created his apprehensive outlook towards living together. Also, there is the strong posibility of a underlying fear on his part to make a comitment to you in regards to a relationship which in this situation is characterized as living together. While marriage is not an issue, many aspects of living together coincide with married life and essentially have a great impact on the emotional side of co-habitation. He may want to have more time to play the field before settling down into a live together relationship. This of course is an issue that you should confront him with and try to find some resolve. You don't want him to have other affairs once you move in together should he decide to change his mind. As for yourself, make sure that you know what it is you want and that this is not just another offshoot of previous needs or emotional insecurities. Have a heart to heart talk with yourself and be firm in your beliefs. As you put it, it is a learning process to live with someone else. Many people have had long term relationships that ended in divorce court after they married and moved in together. Are you or have you considered moving into an apartment on your own? I hope that I have helped you in some way! Feel free to write me!

Saker · Aug 10, 2004, 07:49 AM

Thanks all, you're a great help, really you are.

It's true artistall, that is what I'm having most difficulty with, and I really don't know how to prove it to him. I have considered moving away on my own, then if he wants to he can join me later, and if needs be then that's what I'll do. It may be something to do with it that he has been engaged before (about four years ago) and was dumped the next day, but we've talked through that before and I think he's come to terms with it.

artistall · Aug 10, 2004, 11:38 AM

If you move out on your own it will demonstate your confidence and ability to be independent. This may in fact bolster his confidence in you. He most likey experienced a great deal of pain with his engagement termination and wouldn't want to experience anything even remotely close to that again. You should admire his sensitivity in the fact that he is not willing to just jump into a relationship without giving it some serious thought. I think it will work out for the best! Sometimes things just fall into place without us trying to force them to! Thanks For writing Back!

Saker · Aug 10, 2004, 01:46 PM

No problem, it's good to get these kind of worries out in the open, this kind of situation is new to me as it is! I do admire him a lot, we've somehow managed to get through some very difficult times and now we want to make things as we want them. We met at University, he graduated a year before me and got a job, I've just graduated this year and am looking for work so he's had to wait for me and put up with seeing each other only every few weeks. We've been together for almost three years and now we want some time and space just to us. Even that's proving more difficult that we expected, but he still wants to and I'm more determined than ever. I really do hope it works out after all we've been through!

artistall · Aug 10, 2004, 05:38 PM

So I guess you are over the serious "Depression" you posted on July 31 in another category? I responded to that post too late I suppose but I just became a member yesterday! Just now realized that it was the same person, however you wouldn't know it the way you have bounced back! Good going! You sound much more upbeat now and reassured! Good luck and feel free to write anytime

Jahiem28 · Aug 10, 2004, 08:59 PM

Hi When ever in doubt about moving in together you should get a place by yourself and in time your partner will learn to be comfortable enough to share the joy of living under the same roof with you. Good luck take care

Saker · Aug 11, 2004, 02:48 AM

So I guess you are over the serious "Depression" you posted on July 31 in another category? I responded to that post too late I suppose but I just became a member yesterday! Just now realized that it was the same person, however you wouldn't know it the way you have bounced back! Good going! You sound much more upbeat now and reassured! Good luck and feel free to write anytime

Ah, yes, I wondered if anyone would link them, was kind of hoping not. Yes, we were both having a bit of a rough time, both got very worked up and it all started turning a bit weird. Hopefully we're through that now though with the help of my man, my dad, and various very supportive good friends of mine, but I did go through a patch of real bad depression, wasn't nice. It's all part of the learning for me, as I said, I'm rather new to most of these kind of situations! :)