[Aniuska1010]

I really like reading the feedback that is provided on this site, as I think it is often quite valuable and insightful. I was wondering if anyone has any insight about how to get over and move on from and unrequited love situation. No contact is, unforunately, not an option. Contact with this person is limited, but we do see each other. He is someone that I had a friendship once at one point, we do share a physical attraction, and we did sleep with one another once. I ended up falling in love, and he ended up falling in love with someone else, and is not withdrawing from our friendship because of his girlfriend. I don't know her, and she doesn't know about my history with him. And that is a good thing. I have been working truly hard at getting past my feelings for him and moving on... but I can't seem to be able to do it. I have been respectful and don't text him, or talk to him, like we used to, but I cannot lie... it is extremely HARD and eating me up inside! I thought it would get easier with time, but it is not. Has anyone gone through a similar experience, and can provide some insight regarding how to let go? I have done all of the "common sense" things... Like I said, my contact is as limited as can be, I work hard at pushing thoughts of him out of my mind, I have made mental and actual, written lists about why we would not be good together, I've tried to talk myself into believing that his girlfriend is the one for him and that I too will find the person of "my dreams" someday... I do go out, have friends, do everything to distract myself, but no one else has come along, and my feelings for him don't subside. Any help / insight would be valued! Thanks...

[sully123]

There is actually nothing you can do to change things now, he is with someone else. He made the decision to have another girlfriend, and just considers you a friend. As hard as it is, you have to move on, and respect his wishes that he has someone else. IF it doesn't work out with this girlfriend he has, well then, that's something different. You don't want to get mixed up in that scenario.

[Kitkat22]

It will get better.. I promise. Wait and it will be worth it. Blessings to you!

[Aniuska1010]

Even if they stop cheating?
Can someone keep their cheating history a secret, from the person that they cheated on forever? Even if they continue to date, get engaged, and get married? Even if when they cheated they were in a committed relationship with that person? What kind of a person can keep betrayal a secret from the person they supposedly love?

[I wish]

It's all about a person's level of conscience. Some people feel guilty more easily, some people don't.

So the answer is, it depends on the person.

Is this a general question or are you involved in a specific situation?

[Devorameira]

Some people can keep infidelity a secret for life. Some people feel guilty when they cheat, and some don't because they have no conscience.

[Ther4peuticH3at]

Not just some, but many people can keep infidelity a secret for a lifetime. Just look at how some people can stand and lie to your face even when they've been caught red handed. After having been exposed some people will continue to lie blatantly. I think part of it is that if they never admit it, they never have to take responsibility for their actions, they never have to be accountable.

Don't ever expect a cheater to grow a conscience. If they lacked the character and integrity to remain faithful, why would they all of a sudden have the composition to own up to their misdeeds?

[positiveparent]

Im not a cheater so I wouldn't really know however I would hate to live my life forever looking over my shoulder or forever wondering what if my partner were to meet up with the person I cheated with at some time.

In a totally innocent situation.

What if they became work colleagues and he brought him or her home to have dinner one day OMG...

I would say myself no I couldn't live that way it would always be there in the back of my mind, and I truly believe that whatever we do wrong at some time some where many years down the road, it will always come back and bite you on the bum.

I guess there are those who can blatantly deny this kind of deception, I would just hope I wasn't a person married to that type of creep.

It would mean my whole relationship was built upon a bed of lies and that means it would be worthless.

I hope you're not contemplating doing this really its not worth it, own up and be a real person.

It really isn't worth it , Im not saying you are doing this just that I don't recommend it.

[talaniman]

I don't know how but anything is possible I suppose.

[ISneezeFunny]

Not just infidelities, but spouses, life long friends, lovers, and even family have kept secrets from one another. It's just the way it is. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet...

[ISneezeFunny]

@Aniuska:

I agree. I think you would want your significant other to know the FULL you, however, there are certain secrets, facts, stories, that if they know, would put them in harm's way. Sometimes, you keep secrets to protect them.

[Aniuska1010]

I know where you are coming from, and YES, definitely there are some secrets with good intentions. But I debate whether there can ever be any good intentions in keeping betrayal a secret! Both the act of cheating and the secrets seem pretty selfish

[positiveparent]

Yes there are sometimes things we prefer not to tell others about, however when it comes to Marriage and Love issues, cheating is something we either don't do or we come clean about it.

Perhaps that's just me.

However Unconditional love means you accept each other for what you are and what you have done or will do, and if you do love in this way, you'll confess all and the other person then has a right to choose if that's something they can accept about you and still remain in a relationship.

The best way however is to not cheat to start with.

Loving with conditions is not true love in my opinion anyway, I still wouldn't cheat and not tell him though, I would take my chances, I would have known what I was risking when I cheated and owning up to it is being responsible. And considerate to the other persons right to be told about it...

Also what if by cheating you caught something, how would you get out of that...

I can say in all honesty I have no secrets of any kind that I keep from my partner and he with me, its how in my opinion a good solid foundation for a marriage or any long term involvement is based on, that way its got a much better chance of surviving any problems.

[redhed35]

If a person can justify cheating to themselves,then yes,I believe they can keep it a secret,and not a guilty one at that.

Some learn valuable lessons about themselves and their relationship and continue on in the relationship and never reveal the cheating.

I have spoken to people who have cheated,and some have been able to justify it and hide it easily,and never go on to cheat again.

I am in no way condoning cheating,or hiding it from a partner,only giving you an opinion based on some of the conversations I've had.

[Aurora_Bell]

I would have to say that if they had any sort of conscious, they would come clean. If they truly cared about that person, they would tell them the truth and leave it in their partners hands if they can forgive and forget.

For me personally I would have to tell. I don't think I could get past the first day with out breaking down and confessing. I have been on both ends of the stick. Where I was in a committed long term relationship and only after we ended did find out they cheated. I felt like such and idiot for trusting them for so long and not knowing or catching on. I have also been in a not so serious and short lived relationship where my partner cheated and told me right away. Either way it sucked.

[Aniuska1010]

Can someone say he has integrity and that he has changed for the better because he stopped cheating... eventhough he never told his long-term girlfriend, now fiancé, that he cheated on her after they had been in a relationship for several years?

Also, Why would someone say they are in a "perfect" relationship, and go on to cheat on that partner?

[Donnowhattodo]

That is a very difficult subject

First of all if he fiancées you, it's only for one reason. He loves you.

Maybe his curiosity of an other girl drove him mad and she played the game very well to get him.

I think you should be very assertive, give him a second chance but be very clear that he has broken your trust, and if he wants to go on he will have to regain that trust.

Everyone makes mistakes, maybe it was his wrong head thinking and now he's mad at himself for what he did. I'm not saying what he did was OK, not at all.

I don't want to be rude at all, but talk to him to see why he cheated on you.
And from there on you decide where to go.

This is the best I can come up with.

Be strong

[ISneezeFunny]

The million dollar question: Why people cheat... is for a number of reasons. One can say that their relationship is perfect, but does one actually exist? I have seen MANY relationships that have blossomed and turned into a wonderfully working relationship, but nothing is ever perfect.

People cheat because they want what they can't have. People cheat because they are missing/lacking something in their current relationship. People cheat because of the thrill. People cheat because they're jerks. It's a number of reasons.

[positiveparent]

I agree there no such thing as a perfect relationship, there are successful worked on and nurtured relationships but even they will have had teething problems, and issues along the way..

If your partner cheated on you, have you both had some counselling to enable you both to resolve the reason behind it?

As for why people cheat again, the answer to that could be one of any number of reasons, myself I think most do because they can, they also like the thrill of it, the cloak and dagger feel, or they just want to.

This is why I ask have you and your partner had counselling, unless you have and you've both worked your way through this then if not now at sometime in the future, it could happen again or be the cause of many other problems developing between you, get it dealt with professionally and the chances are your relationship will be on solid ground.

If someone's cheated on you, that's a sign of low integrity..

Or why cheat, integrity is partially being able to resist temptation...

Cheating is deceiving, lying to, and betraying your partners trust, and not respecting them..

[Starry nights]

The full you is not ONLY dirty secrets,right?It is ALSO dirty secrets.Nobody's perfect but that doesn't mean I only highlight those aspects of myself which I am not very proud of or embarrassed about,right?It's a given that we all have our own little secrets,our stories without which we wouldn't be who we are.

But it's a question of how much is NEEDED to be told in order to have a mature relationship with someone new.You only create a barrier when you deliberately lie or hide something of paramount importance in your new relationship,something that you know you SHOULD share because if you don't you aren't doing justice to the new person.Could be anything that you think needs to be shared.Otherwise it would end up hurting the person you love.

The full you,Aniuska1010,is a complete entity,a whole being full of good and bad.Present that BEST YOU to your partner,the YOU you love and are proud of,the you who has dirty secrets and admits that but doesn't feel the need to project all the time simply because she's gotten past all that and has taken her learnings from them.