[tommyboy14]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my girl for about a year and a half. We met in college through the same organization we joined and were friends for about 6 months before with some flirting here and there. We finally started going out and it was wonderful. At first I may have been less committed and still wanted to keep my options open, but realized I really liked her after a few months. She says she was initially attracted to me because of my outgoing, fun personality and my looks. I told her I love you after about 2 months (maybe too fast) and we grew closer. She basically moved into my house after a while and things were great. We were madly in love. We even had a puppy together that I surprised her with because she wanted one more than anything and we kept it at my house (part of the reason she was always over). June came and I graduated and she remained in college since she still had 2 years. Summer was tough on her because she had summer school and missed me. I visited often and when I had to go back home (about 70 miles away) she'd become really sad and cry. When summer school ended we vacationed for about a week and it was amazing. The school year began and I was back at home working. We'd talk on the phone every night for hours and text a lot and tell each other about our days and so on and would both look forward to it. Shed talk a lot about the organization events and about all our mutual friends in the organization. We'd see each other on weekends and it was magical when we were together - both emotionally and physically.

We would also have our fights about numerous things. After the fights it felt like we were making progress in our relationship though. Our fights would also occur at big events too (concerts, retreats, theme parks) and would ruin the event for us. One day she told me she had a big crush on a mutual friend from the organization and didn't know why she felt this way. I was absolutely shcoked because things were going great for the most part. I understood she was telling me because she was confused and wanted to let me know. It hurt, but after this she also grew less affectionate in the coming months. About 4 months after she tried to break up for numerous reasons. One of the reasons was that I was always sad about my current work situtation and would always complain. Therefore I wasn't that confident outoging guy back in college. I told her about my problems because I trust her and need someone to confide in, but realize I just sounded like a downer and this was a big turn off. She also wanted to experience "the college life" more because she had been with me for a long time and had pushed some friends away. Now with me gone and those friends from the organization still there, she had lost that connection and was having trouble reconnecting. She felt that because everyone she hangs out with in the organization are also friends with me, that she couldn't be herself in respect to me, especially around the guys. The guys probably would flirt with her less also because they're friends with me too. Another reason was because she was so busy with work (she just got an internship that will go until the end of august), school, the organization, and didn't have as much time for me. Another big reason is that her parents are strict asian parents and didn't even want to meet me. They know nothing about me really. Im not asian and she says her parents expect her to meet someone of the same race. She doesn't want to dissapoint them because they're old and she's an only child. They have also basically been separated since she was born but live together in the same house in separate rooms to avoid bringing shame to themselves and so they could raise her. They would also use her against each other in their fights. Anyway her upbrining is a little messed up, she doesn't have siblings, and that might be why she has commitment issues. She had 6 boyfriends before me and her parents have known about none. Only 2 others were serious and I am the longest relationship she has ever had. This is my first relationship.

Anyway, we talked over the relaitonhip and was about ready to leave her house, when I told her I didn't want it to end like this and we could make it work. We decided to keep it going and see if it improves. Ive felt brokenhearted ever since she told me she liked the other guy 4 months ago, but tried my best to be a better boyfriend and she told me I had been really loving since then. The recent near breakup left me hearbroken even more this time. She is still not very affectinate. Never says I love you anymore and is less talkative about her life. I kind of stopped feeling and accepted that it might be very near the end, but am still trying very hard to keep it going. Were going on a Vegas trip in a week to try and rekindle it. Part of me wants to sweep her off her feet and part of me wants to cancel the reservation and save myself time, money, and more heartache. Im trying so hard, but she's just focusing on her other stuff and avoiding the situation as much as possible.

I know this is just me blabbing and misspelling alota words. I don't know if anybodys really going to understand this, but basically am I holding on to her for no reason? Is she already gone?? I had so much belief in our relationship and it was so strong and my world has been turned upside down. Is this worth it?

Thanks for any input

- Tom

[roxypox]

Hi Tom!

To be quit frank with you I feel that you might be better of by letting go, cause in someways this relationship is on a wrong track. You are already heartbroken, she is talking less about her life (read: exlucding you in a way!) and I can fully understand that hearing your GF say that she has a crush on someone else is painful.

From the way you describe the situation it seems that she really has a foot out the door allready! and in my experience that never really leads to anything good.

I also reacted to the situation where she has told you that she can't be herself around the guys in the org the two of you were/are involved with... why wouldn't she be able to be herself around them... because she has a BF.

Maybe its time for you to let go of her and move on?

[Jake2008]

It's always easier to be on the outside looking in, especially when you are clearly in love with her.

Relationships don't always see two people heading in the same direction, and when one is wanting and needing other people and experiences in life, and begins to exclude the other, it is time to really seriously evaluate where the relationship is going. For you.

She has made it painfully clear that she needs to go off on her own. For whatever reasons she has decided to do this, you can't change how she thinks, or change what she's going to do, or turn her back into a loving partner who only wants you. She wants more.

With her family background, whether she admits it or not, being so heavily influenced by her parents, in the long run, that would cause a lot of problems for you, and you would likely end up in the same place as you are now. Just like the other six boyfriends she has had.

There may not be any concrete reasons for the way she feels, or those reasons may seem petty and that she will come around. Case in point- the trip you are providing. This will not change anything. Things are what they are, regardless of the way you feel, and what you are willing to do for her.

Think about how it was in the beginning, and realize where you have ended up. While you wanted, with all your heart, to keep going and develop the relationship, she has essentially bailed on you because she does not want the same.

For practical reasons, I would cancel the trip, or go with a buddy and consider it a healing weekend. Have some fun and relaxation with somebody else.

As to your question, I do think you are hanging on to her, and a dream, that will never happen.

[Homegirl 50]

I think there are just too many factors that play against you two and she has already stated she wants out.
Cancel the trip and move one. It will be painful for a while, but in the long run, I'd say it's for the best.

[realman71]

This is a very difficult situation but from what you are saying things are not going in the direction of a loving relationship. It is essentially going in the opposite direction and when things happen like this and people change their emotions for someone there is really not much you can do if you just sit and watch it happen. It will slowly sink more and more like a ship filling with water. It sounds very harsh to hear all this I'm sure but take it from me I have seen it firsthand and you may never get the girl you had in the beginning back. My advice is to let her go before she lets you go. If you sit around and let the ship sink she is going to jump off without you and you will be left on deck with a broken heart. Do yourself a favor and except reality for what it is. You know the answer already but you just don't want to except it because of your emotions for her. She is slowly letting go emotionally and maybe you are as well but she is there more than you are and no woman who loves you would EVER say she likes some other dude man. If she is giving you the clear signs (which she is) let it go and beat her to the punch or you will have a huge whole in your heart just because you didn't except the signs you have seen. Good luck hope this helps.

[talaniman]

Time to let go, and move on. The other posters have covered this really well, and as you can see its downhill because she is distancing herself from you any way. It was fun while it lasted, but its time to look ahead to better times.

[throwaway]

I know exactly how you feel, I was there 2 weeks ago. If you break it off with her now she migjht be the one starting to regret re-evalute the entire relationship. I started to let go first but styed with her because it was comfortable. She then started to let go and break it off, and then I was the one in a mess.