[godslilgurl91]

Don't get me wrong, I am a very nice person which is why I need help on this.

So back in Novemeber I started dating this guy. I have known him for a while (but not all that well). Actually to tell you the truth I don't think I ever talked to him when he was in high school. I kind of got the hint he liked me last year. He was a senior and I was a junior at the time. I noticed that he always looked at me whenever I bothered to see him. Anyway, both of us have this same friend and he set us up on a date. From that first date, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, I'm not sure about him. He told me he loved me even before our first date. Can you say love is so overused? I sure can. I didn't say it back for a while and he got so worried over that even though I told him I wouldn't say it until I meant it. Anyway, the relationship has gotten a little more serious. It just happened...

So we text more than we talk face to face. I'm pretty sure that isn't a good sign. But he doesn't talk to me much even in a text. When I need someone to talk to, there is no advice from him. Only an OK or yeah knowing he was listening but beyond that nothing else. We don't even have conversations and he always winds up saying I love you when he has nothing to say. I don't know what to do because I need someone to talk to. I am not just looking for a guy to be with. I want a friend and someone who will help guid me the right direction too.

He is a year out of high school. He is not going to college and he doesn't have a job. I am going to college next year and every time I bring that up, it is like he puts this guilt trip on me for leaving him behind. He is so afriad that I will break up with him once I leave and sometimes I think I will. I even have a job and he doesn't understand that I have a life and I'm busy. My top priority is going to college and becoming an artist and I know he doesn't like it but he does try to hide it.

He tells me every little problem he has that really isn't a big deal. Like his stomach hurts or he has a headache or something. He is always saying tell me how to make it better. Or his bad dreams, I hear those a lot and he tells me he is scared. Honestly, to me, those don't really matter. Unless you are really suffering or dying then in my opinion your fine. He just doesn't get it. And I don't know what to do or what to tell him.

To put a picture in your head, I feel like I'm dating a 15 year old. Anyway, If you have anything to say at all, please tell me. I am so stuck and advice would help.

Thanks.

[Clough]

Hi, godslilgurl91!

He sounds like a really needy person who isn't willing to give much in a relationship. If I were you, I would keep your options open for going out with more than one person. There are lots of "fish in the sea" and some are good catches while the others need to be thrown back.

When I was in college, I dated lots of women. Most of the women who I dated also dated other men. That was a common thing back when I was in college.

You have aspirations and goals. He doesn't seem to, according to what you've written. If I were in a relationship with someone like you, I would do everything that I could to help to enable you to achieve those things for which you dream of doing and becoming. I would presume, because of the way that you've written what you have, that you would do the same for me.

True love is giving, not taking...

Would there be a problem with you going out with more than one man?

I also would like to know about what you would like to do as an artist, please?

Hopefully, others will also come along to address your concerns.

Thanks!

[hallie78]

Hey,
If he's immature and doesn't listen to you, I advise you to dump him! Im 14 so Im still a little immature but anyway your going to college! And he's not and has no job. If you have a future he won't be able to support you and possibly a family. And college boys are hott! You'll have a lot of nice guys there that can probably bring more to the table! Sorry if this advice sucks you don't have to listen to it but anyway good luck!

[Clough]

I think that you're correct, that someone else probably would bring "more to the table", hallie78!

[godslilgurl91]

Clough, Thanks for the advice. It is not a problem to date other guys, just I would have to do the breaking up part and I hate to be the one to break his heart. I know it is a need to him to have me. And I have asked him why it was such a need and he never gave me an answer. I din't want to be with someone when all it is to them is a need like a life or death situation.

I'm not sure what I would like to do as an artist. I have always enjoyed art. For the past couple of years I have been introduced to a lot of new things in art that I never knew about so my options are still pretty open since I have liked it all so far. But whatever it is, I am sure going to love it. So far I have been leaning more towards illustrating children's book.


And I feel like such a bad person for putting my goals and dreams ahead of him. I just want to be able to follow my heart without hurting anyone.

Thanks.

Hallie78, Love the attitude and advice. :)

[Clough]

Well, maybe indicating to him that you would like to be open to dating others, in addition to him, would be something to tell him?

If you do that, it wouldn't be like you're just coldly breaking up with him. Just that you don't really feel that it's right for either of you to be going steady with each other.

Has he had many other girlfriends?

[godslilgurl91]

See what's frustrating is that his mom is expecting us to be together forever. She already calls me daughter in law. His mom also thinks we are perfect for each other. Well, more like I'm perfect for him. It's like she forgets how I feel about the relationship.

Not that I know of because he doesn't say a whole lot to me. So I have no idea how many girlfriends if any and who. He doesn't talk about anything like that. Or anything about the past. It's like he is stuck in the present and future. All he says that it's in the past and that's where it is going to stay. I ask questions but I get no answers.

[Clough]

So now, another person figures into the equation here...

Have you sat down with his mom to discuss with her exactly how you feel about the relationship with him?

By the way, being an illustrator of some kind would be a more sure way of being able to make some money.

If it's like he's stuck in the present and the future, then I would think that he would be open to help create and nurture that which might happen in the future.

Frankly, with that guy, you don't have much to hold onto - not for the present or for the future. Love is about giving, not taking. He's doing a lot of taking without giving.

How about insisting that the two of you don't text each other anymore until he is able to have a decent conversation in person with you?

Have you ever had your heart broken by someone? Sure, breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it just has to be done.

A question to ask yourself - Will I be able to live up to the full potential that I can be if I continue with the present relationship with this guy the way that it is now?

Thanks!

[godslilgurl91]

No I have not sat dowto talk. I just don't know what to say or how to... I have thought about the no texting things just to see how it goes but I have not yet attempted to do it.

Yeah the art... so undecided.

[Clough]

Sooner or later, you're going to need to be making the motions to have serious talks with both his mother and him. If you don't, it doesn't look like things are going to change without you being the one to do something.

It's very evident that you really care about both of them. I wouldn't want to hurt and/or to disappoint anyone either.

You could start a conversation with either one of them with words like, "I've really got a challenge that I'm trying to solve (or, need help with). You are the person who can help me with this challenge. Would you be willing to help me?"

Doing it like that, would be doing so in a non-threatening or blaming way that should cause either of them to feel good, because they'll then think that they are the one who can help you to solve your problem.

You could then lay things out about the way that you're feeling about certain things in the relationships, also without blaming either one of them. "I appreciate (name of what one of them does or the way that they do something), but I really feel that I'm having difficulty moving forward with my life so that I can feel as though I'm accomplishing being the best person that I can be with the skills that I have and that I would like to have."

The sooner that you do that, the better, so that things don't get any deeper than they are now. The deeper that things get, the more that things will hurt.

[SimpleguyJoe]

I didn't bother to read the rest of the answers so it may and probably already has been said but it sounds like you two are on two totally different pages in life.

He doesn't seem to be as emotionally deep or developed as you yet and it might take along while before he is as good of a partner as you want.

I wouldn't jeopardize my future (college) for a shot with a unsatisfactory relationship but that's just me.

[godslilgurl91]

OK I will try

[Homegirl 50]

It appears he has problems relating to people and feels comfortable with you, but he is not your responsibility. If you are not feeling him, if you feel there is nothing there for you, leave the relationship.
Maybe talk to his mom and tell her you are going to break up with him because things are not working so she can be there for him when you tell him.
But do it soon. No point in letting things go longer.

[Clough]

ok i will try

You can do this, godslilgurl91! You've got a level head on your shoulders! Also, I believe in you and your abilities!

Thanks!

[Jake2008]

So in six months of dating this guy, what have you learned.

Even before you went on your first date, he said he was in love with you. Flag #1.

He is very needy, shallow, unable to communicate well, no plans for his future, and is unemployed.

He has become dependent on you to be there for him, but you cannot depend on him to be there for you.

This guy is not relationship material.

It is good that you are questioning this relationship now, because it is pretty obvious that as your life moves forward, he remains where he is, intellectually, emotionally, and otherwise.

Think about being in college and trying to maintain this with him. It just won't work.

You are in charge of your own life. Sometimes you have to make decisions that may seem selfish, but really aren't in the long run. He is holding you down, while you need to go forward. It is a sad fact of life that people get hurt when relationships break up, but that is something you cannot afford dwell on, because that also holds you back. Why allow yourself to be tied to this guy when clearly it isn't going to work out.

I think his mother likes you, because maybe you will motivate him, and get him out of her hair.

I would not involve his mother. The relationship is between you and him.

While it may be hard to get the actual words out to him, it is the best thing. Just tell him straight and simple that you no longer have feelings for him, and the relationship is over. If you complicate it at all, and show any sort of inclination that you may reconsider, he will never let go.

And remember, he doesn't love you, he needs you. Very different things.

[positiveparent]

You need to live your life for YOU no one else, you're young and the worlds your oyster so I would tell him you aren't ready for a long term relationship, and that you have dreams and you aim to achieve them and leave it at that.

Don't let yourself get dragged down you're not selfish you sound level headed and in touch with reality.

You're only young once so make the most of it, worry about relationships in a few years time there's no rush.

[Homegirl 50]

I agree with jake2008. This sounds like need, not love.