[britishlover]

Oh goodness, I don’t even know where to start. I just need to say that I am lost. Now I know why people stay together for their kids, because I feel that’s why I’m still here.
Just to give you a little background, my husband and I met and dated in high school and fell in love right away. He was my guy, and I was head over heals in love with him. We ended up breaking up because I was young (15) and he wanted to get married right away. It scared me, as it would with any 15 year old.
Well we went our separate ways he ended up getting married right out of high school, she ended up cheating on him and leaving, then he got married again and had two kids.
So, to make a long story short we met up again after all those years and he was going through a divorce and he had full custody of his kids.

We got married and from that day on I have been a full time mom, wife, student and I work for a very respected company and am the supporter of our family.

My problem is that, my husband has since been very distant, not sexually available, not emotionally, anything. He says that he is depressed all the time, however I feel its an excuse. He is always depressed when I need him to step up and help. I need him to be supportive and a provider (not financially, but at emotionally). I feel like I am a single mother and he just married me to have someone take care of his kids. The kids mother is not in the picture but every other weekend, that is if she shows up. So I feel that I am just being used.

I am 25, almost 26 and have this whole beautiful life ahead of me and I feel that I am wasting it. My husband recently stated that he was not in love with me anymore, and didn’t want to have kids with me, and that broke my heart. He has gone back and said that he was just angry and depressed when he said those things, but now I can’t get over them.
There are some things you can say and ask for forgiveness and some you can not, and those things you can not.

What do I do? Do I work on my marriage or do I get out while I can? Any type of feedback is nice, please and thank you.

[twinkiedooter]

We got married and from that day on I have been a full time mom, wife, student and I work for a very respected company and am the supporter of our family.

If he is not working then just what does he do all day long? Play?

Sounds like you are being used. Plus his outburst of he does not want to have kids with you is probably the straw that broke the camel's back for sure. A remark like that will stick in your craw for years to come.

If he is sexually remote and is depressed all the time it is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. He wanted those kids or he would not have had them. It's time for him to grow up and act like a man. Have him look for employment and get a job as you are defintely done supporting him and his kids.

You need to remember you are young and can start another fulfilling life with another man who DOES want you to have his children. Right now it sounds like you made a mistake. You need to seriously think about what do YOU want for your future? Do you want to continue with the farce you are now living or would you like to move on and seek a fulfilling life with someone else?

He obviously has major problems dealing with his current life choices. You need to make your own life choices preferably without him.

At least this is what I would tell my daughter if I had one. I have a grown son instead.

[britishlover]

Thank you so much, I am trying to get as much 'outside' opinions as I can. My family and friends all tell me the same, but I feel like they have to tell me that. So I appreciate your honesty. Thank you!

[Jake2008]

So you met up with him, while he was going through a divorce from his second wife.

That may have been a predictor of at least some of the problems you are having now.

What I mean by that is, he was still married when you met him, and had not had time to be on his own, divorced, and able to establish being the parent he needed to be to his children. Essentially providing for them, what you stepped in, and do now.

He has not had to learn from his past mistakes, and reflect on what went wrong, and go through the process of dealing with a divorce on his own. It takes a great deal of time to work through all the emotional upset, and prepare and then nurture the children after it has happened. Providing a routine and structure and stability with them, should have been established before the two of you got involved.

So when you stepped into the picture, you picked up the slack of being an instant mother to these children, and they have come to rely on you as well. Between him, and the children, you are lost somewhere between a new life, and replacing what he already had with his second wife.

I think from what you have said, everybody was better off with you in the picture, as their mother was not exactly ideal, and doesn't even regularly see them.

But what I'm trying to point out is, where do you fit into all of this.

If you stay, you are expecting changes, but how can he change if he has never had enough distance and time between his second wife, and you. How is he supposed to be a different person. And is he really the same person with the same traits as he was before he got divorced?

I understand why you say you feel like a replacement, I would too.

It sounds like you took on a great deal of baggage. So much baggage, that the suitcases couldn't even close. His life seems to have just taken on another chapter, but it is the same theme.

How does he respond when you say you are unhappy, and don't like the way things are going. Does he try to accommodate you, and step up to help out, or is he digging in his heels knowing that you will take care of everything.

You say your husband is not intimate with you, he's distant and depressed. What has caused this, and is it possible that there is another woman in the picture? He says he doesn't love you one minute, the next he says he never meant what he said, but does he show love? Are you suspicious at all?

I feel bad for you that things are not going the way they should be. It is possible that with marriage counselling, the two of you can forge a path together- if there is enough love there to fight the good fight.

If there isn't, and he makes it clear that he is not willing to change, and in so doing is pretty much saying that this is the best it's ever going to be, then I think that you would be further ahead on your own.

[britishlover]

Thank you for your input. I do tell him how I feel and he does seem supportive at first. Then within a month its right back to where we were. I feel that I am just a person to fill whatever void is there, and be a babysitter and provider for him and the kids. I am trying so hard, but I feel I am at my last straw.
I have asked him if he was cheating, and to be honest I don't feel that he is at all. I think its not that easy. If it was just that, it would make it easy for me to leave. Does that make sense?

[Cat1864]

Thank you so much, I am trying to get as much 'outside' opinions as I can. My family and friends all tell me the same, but I feel like they have to tell me that. So I appreciate your honesty. Thank you!

I fully agree with everything Twinkiedooter said. It is what I would tell either one of my children (son and daughter) as well as any of their friends in the same situation.

I think you are learning now how much of a mess you dodged at 15 years of age.

Good luck.

[Jake2008]

Thank you for your input. I do tell him how I feel and he does seem supportive at first. Then within a month its right back to where we were. I feel that I am just a person to fill whatever void is there, and be a babysitter and provider for him and the kids. I am trying so hard, but I feel I am at my last straw.
I have asked him if he was cheating, and to be honest I dont feel that he is at all. I think its not that easy. If it was just that, it would make it easy for me to leave. Does that make sense?

Yes, I know what you mean. A cold hard fact, such as an affair, is something concrete that would end the marriage.

On the other hand, you are dealing with his emotions, and his distance, and reluctance to be a better father, and a better husband to you.

It is telling that he can show support, it just doesn't last more than a month. So he's making a choice there, and it is a selfish one.

[jmjoseph]

This right here says it all to me: "I am 25, almost 26 and have this whole beautiful life ahead of me and I feel that I am wasting it."

And then :"My husband recently stated that he was not in love with me anymore, and didn’t want to have kids with me, and that broke my heart."

You are to be commended for being there for HIS children.

But sometimes you have to just call it a big mistake.

God bless you. I'm sure you are a sweet person.

You must be.

[britishlover]

I feel that you all are so understanding and nice. Its hard having a road block in life such as this one. And I appreciate all of your expert advice.
I can't help but think that maybe I have alrady answered my questions. Just by feeling that I may never feel the same way again for my husband after he has stated the hurtful statements that he has comes to show that I deep down know what is right for my life.
jmjoseph and Jake2008, thank you.

[jmjoseph]

Pssst... I'm not really an expert on relationships. My wife laughs at that one too. Who is? No man especially, is going to master what it is that a woman truly wants and needs. AND visa versa. But anyone can see that if he is relying on YOU to take care of HIS children, and HIM too... without giving anything in return. Nothing, That in itself is not right. But for him to say hateful things to you too?

He's your third adopted child.

How about your relationship with the children? That has to be a consideration that's kept you there so long.

[britishlover]

I feel that they are not 'his' children. I love them like my own. And they call me mom, I'm there for everything. Every fever, upset tummy, every story, and meal. I was thereduring our youngest first steps, not their bio parents.
It breaks my heart to think about leaving/loosing them. I would not know what to do.
So yes, I would like to say that the kids have kept me there...

[Jake2008]

That doesn't surprise me in the least that you are that kind of person.

When decisions are made, and if you decide to go, there are ways to prepare the children, and if he is willing, you can maintain regular contact with them, particularly on their birthdays and Christmas.

And I think I know what you mean when you get the opinions of others, and it is reassuring in a way that it confirms to a degree, what you have already been thinking.

When you are in the thick of it, it is hard to know what to think of the thoughts you have, let alone what to do with them.

Please keep posting, I for one would like to keep an eye on you.

[britishlover]

I will keep you posted, thank you.

[JoeCanada76]

Normally if a marriage is not working I suggest some form of counseling. There are things he needs to work at to become a better person. Whether the depression is an excuse or not is remained to be seen.

If he is telling you that he does not love you, and your still sticking around in a loveless marriage. There is no point to continue, is there?

I would also like to point out that if you make the decision to leave. That does not necessarily mean you have to leave the relationships that you have developed with his children.

You can still be there for them in some way or form if you would like and they would consider it?

I agree, with Jmjoseph. It seems to me that your taking care of three children. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to end that type of relationship and the more resentful everyone will be.

[britishlover]

Well for anyone who has read my previous post you know what my situation is, and you know what I have done to try to make my marriage and my family work out.
I am a step mom of two gorgeous, beautiful kids, 5 and 7. They are amazing and I love them more then life! They have not had a steady mother figure in their lives and I am pretty much their mother.
Well, I want kids of my own as well. (I know most will say that I am a mom, and I am, I just want my own children for the completion of me.) This has been an on going argument between my husband and myself for years. He has promised then taken it back, he has said that he didn't love me, then he wanted a divorce, then he took it back. His verbal abuse seems to just be getting worse over time, and he is starting to get physically threatening as well. (he has NEVER hit me or the kids, just walls and stupid stuff like that)
We have not had a good relationship for a very long time! I am tired of being taken advantage of and not being appreciated. I am a good catch and in the beginning I thought I was the lucky one. Now as time goes on, I am having a tough time realizing that I should have never married him. I know that sounds terrible...
I am torn, I feel that this is how a marriage should be and that you work on things, on the other hand I feel that I am young and that I should move on. I am done raising the kids on my own, I am not being satisfied in multiple areas (if you know what I mean?), and I am just down right not in love or happy anymore.
We have been going to marriage counseling and counseling individually and I am just coming to the realization that I am just not in this marriage anymore.
Now on the other hand, I feel like I need them, and that the kids are my everything. I worry about them and how their father is going to support them and take care of them without me. Am I supposed to stay and work on this? Am I being selfish? AH! What do I do?

If you have any questions please feel free to look at previous questions that I have posted, or just ask:)
Thank you for your input!
!

[beachloverjohn]

It's time to call it quits. You are married to a selfish unappreciative, abusive man that doesn't deserve you and you admit you no longer love. The kids are his, so you will have to work something out to be able to keep seeing them. You owe it to yourself to be with someone that you can love and respect and that treats you like the special person that you are. You have tried everything, and it is better to be alone then to be with the wrong man. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness, so give yourself that chance and end this marriage from hell.

[Fr_Chuck]

The issue with counseling is that too many people think it is just to make it work, that is far from the truth, Real Counseling merely makes you look seriously at where you are at, and where everything is going. Often the choice is to call it quits.

[Devorameira]

Don't allow him to control and manipulate you. He may not hit you, but he is selfish, unappreciative, violent (hits other things), and verbally abusive. If you stay with him he will eventually destroy every ounce of self confidence/self worth that you have.

It's obvious that you love his kids, but they are his kids and you need to put yourself first in this situation.

Rarely does an abuser change for the better - they almost always get worse and worse.

There is never an excuse for abuse, so run while you can!

[britishlover]

Thanks all! When I look at these answers it hurts me to think that this is what I have to do... Im hoping that I will find it in my heart and soul to do what I know is right! Thank you again for your words of advice!

[ann50]

I know it is hard, but staying in a relationship for the wrong reason will only hurt more as the years go by I did it, now he is finally leaving and I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I am making a list of all the things I could never do, like read a book, not have to cook after work, being my own self and taking control of my life. May be I will take a cruise. Peace finally I will have it.