[symptomatic]

I have been in a good relationship for the last 5 months and other than a few 9 yr old daughter issues things have been going very well , but she has told me that she wants another baby :( I'm not sure if we have some doctors on this site but I have a few questions , 1 do we run the risk of having complications due to our age , 2 how long do we have before it is too late for us to conceive , as we are in a new relationship I have told her that we should wait at least 12 months so we can see if this relationship is going to last , as it is at the moment she complains when I use a condom and has told me that she won't go on the pill as it makes her gain weight , am I being selfish by wanting to wait ? If I wait will it be too late ?

[Lucky098]

I don't think you're being selfish wanting to wait to have a baby with this woman. I think she is selfish for wanting to make you have a baby with her.

The both of you are older. The chances of having a defective baby are very high up there.

Also, keep in mind that you will be dealing with another very young child while you're older. Do you really want to be changing diapers and cleaning up after a toddler when you should be enjoying the golden years of your life?

She is being selfish right now. She is pushing you into something you are unsure of. She is being out-right rude when you are using protection. This is your life. This will be your child. I think you have a say on whether you want to conceive a child with this woman. It is a big, life changing decision.

On top of it all, you haven't been together very long. How do you know tha she isn't just going to let you knock her up and then leave you and take your money in child support? Crazier things have happened!

All I know is... If I were 47... there would be no way in hell I'd have a baby!

Be careful... and good luck

[ohsohappy]

Just so you know, having a child at a later age can increase the chances of the child having downs syndrome. Not that it's a for sure thing, but it's more likely as I've heard many times. So if you two ever do decided to have a child, make sure you're very careful during the pregnancy and have very good prenatal care.

[Wondergirl]

if I wait will it be too late ?

My brother-in-law and his wife adopted their first baby girl when they were 40. Three years late they adopted another baby girl. The two parents looked like grandparents (wrinkles and gray hair) at PTA meetings and school conferences. They could not physically keep up with the children and play games with them. During Georgia's menopause, the girls were teenagers. Double anxiety! Both girls became single mothers, so now my retired bil and his wife are in their mid-60s, had looked forward to traveling during their golden years, but ended up caring for two toddlers while their mothers work.

Be careful. Wait. Your relationship is still in its early stages.

[BlackVY]

In my opinion, its quite late already, but then again, there are people having children at the age of 40 too.

My question is to do with the safety of woman. Having a kid quite late in life has a lot of health risks.

Also, think about the child here. Just say you have the child now, but when your child is 10, you will be nearly 60. I don't know if you will be able to keep up with a 10year old then. Even worse, you will be well into your 60s when the child is in their teens... scary

Have you asked her why she wants to have a child right now?

[aimee_tt]

My mum was 38 when she had me. Now I'm 21 she's 59.

She kept up with me just fine and I keep her young.

The only negative side I see is, I won't be read to have kids for close to 10 years! By then she will be close to 70. She hasn't got the best health record so I'm not expecting her to last forever.

My nan (her mum)died at 72... I was 2. I wish I could have had my nans and pops growing up but I was left with one pop who died 10 years ago.

I just giving you the child's view.

[J_9]

I am not an obstetrician, but I AM an obstetrical nurse.

You don't run into complications because of age, but your girlfriend and child would. You're girlfriend would risk Pregnancy Induced Hypertnsion, Gestational Diabetes to name a few, and the risk of Down's Syndrome is high.

Now for your risks... you risk forking out child support for the next 18 years. So at the age of 65 your child support would possibly be just ending. Sometimes support can go as far as age 21, which would put you at age 68.

You have only known this woman for 5 months. It's too early to be anywhere near even discussing having children.

[symptomatic]

Thank you all for your prompt replies , Wondergirl has brought up something I had not thought about and that is adoption , there is nothing to stop us from adopting a child the same age as her daughter , if things are still going well in 12 months then I think adoption would be the safest way to go , it sounds like my concerns have been well justified , I do not have a paternal bone in my body so I will not miss the 9 months of pregnancy :) I too thought about what happens if we had a kid and then the relationship was to end , I have no problem supporting my child but the thought of her bringing up two kids to two different fathers would bother me to be honest .

[J_9]

Keep in mind that most agencies will not allow an adoption until you have been married for at least 12 months.

[Alty]

I have to state that I have a feeling that this woman wants a baby because of her age, the fact that time may be running out.

I would talk to her, ask if she's thought everything through. Being pregnant with the baby, having a healthy child, is the smallest part of all of this, as far as I'm concerned. After the child is born is when the difficulty will begin, especially if the two of you don't stay together.

Is she prepared to raise this child, to start from the baby stage again?

I'm 39. I can't imagine having another child at this stage in my life. I have a 7 year old and an 11 year old, they can feed themselves, dress themselves, they sleep through the night. Best of all, I have a husband to help raise them.

I really don't think she's thinking the whole thing through. To me it sounds like a bit of a "the clock is ticking" nerves.

[Jake2008]

Consider all the things that have huge question marks.

- Your ages
- You have only known each other for five months
- If this wasn't an issue for her, to have a baby, would it even have crossed your mind?
- She won't go on the pill (don't trust her), and doesn't like you using condoms.
- You will be taking on a lifetime of more debt, instead of heading into financial security
- She doesn't seem to give an inch on even thinking that she will decide NOT to have one
- After only a short while with her, have you thought about maybe you were a good catch for her, for reasons she won't admit to?
- With an increased risk of problems for the baby, think about raising a handicapped child who will be dependend upon you long after you have 'gone'.

Those are just some things right off the top, but I think you get the picture.

She must be really pulling a number on you that you can't see the hardships to come and are even considering a baby at age 47.

Babies are not fashion accessories. Babies are not conceived after five month old relationships (or shouldn't be). With the relationship being so new, you are still learning who likes which salad dressing on their salad, and are nowhere near the commitment level that you can even be honest with yourself in my opinion.

You want it to work, obviously. But her plan includes a baby.

I hate to say it, and it is only my opinion, but if she's targeted you after five months to have a baby, that is the agenda.

[talaniman]

You are very wise to wait until you see if you both will stick around with each other over the long haul. I don't think that a 5 month relationship is an indication of future commitment, and the last thing you need is a teen age mistake with the life of an innocent child in the balance.

I would hold out for marriage and the whole nine yards rather than jump into something you are not ready for nor want at this time.

Making babies is not just a recreation, it's a life time commitment. Your both old enough to know that, and need a lot more planning and thought before you make that HUGE decision.

Its always been a big red flag when a female is talking babies so soon into a relationship. I would keep using the condoms for a while guy. For a long while.

You are already seeing things, and learning more about her from your other post, and I feel you have even more to discover, and think about, BEFORE you even consider such a move.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...ke-474082.html

[Wondergirl]

if things are still going well in 12 months then I think adoption would be the safest way to go

Not necessarily. When you adopt an older child, you could end up with disaster. That child has been through a broken home, foster families, maybe an orphanage or two, possibly abuse, plus all the associated problems in education, medical care, religious confusion -- all of which affect attitudes and behavior. Also, the two children might not mesh after all. If, as J_9 says, you have to be married for at least a year before you can adopt, there could be a long time that passes during the try-out period, having to start over looking for another child if one doesn't work out, and so on. And I'm not even considering undiscovered mental health or cognitive problems that can show up later.

[Wondergirl]

not all kids up for adoption are from broken homes

Then why are they up for adoption? Something got broken.

[J_9]

symptomatic agrees: if I thought for one minute that it could endanger her or the child then it would be a resounding NO

Then it should be a resounding NO. Your decision is clear. It could endanger, if not one, BOTH.

Wear your raincoat at all times with this woman.

[ZoeMarie]

This situation reminds me too much of my dad's. He had a vasectomy after My brother was born because he and my mom didn't want to get pregnant again (my mom had m.s.). After my mom passed away, my dad met a woman who was so quick to get married to him and have a baby (which he finally gave in and she went to a sperm bank). My dad adopted the little girl. A couple months later she was out of the picture. She took off while we were at church one morning. We later found out that she maxed out my dad's credit cards to afford furniture for her apartment that she had lined up too. What a mess. So now my dad pays child support for a little girl that, technically he doesn't really even know or see. It's a mess.

I'm not at all saying this is what will happen to you, but I've seen messy things and I wouldn't wish a similar catastrophe on anyone.

[symptomatic]

I owe it to her to be honest about how I feel on this so tonight I am going to talk to her , if she still want's to have a kid with me then I have no other option but to withdraw my services , I hope it does not come to that as I do have feelings for her and her daughter , but I do have some serious concerns as to why she want's a kid so soon .

[Jake2008]

I am happy you are going to get this all out in the open. You really need to know.

Have you considered a vasectomy? Might not be a bad idea.

Please post and let us all know how things are working out for you.

Good luck.

[symptomatic]

OK we I had a talk with her and things did not go too well :( she still want's a kid and she does not want to wait , I told her how I felt about it and that I did not want to father a kid so late in life , the fact that we would be putting herself and that of our unborn child at risk did not seem to faze her , so I told her that if she was dead set on getting pregnant then it would have to be with someone else , she is going to think about it this week then let me know .

[J_9]

Good for you!