[itsonlymee]

We're about to move into a bigger house with a plan to start our own family. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 19, she lives with her mum and stays with us one night a week. The new house has two large bedrooms and a third small bedroom just big enough for a single bed. I mentioned in a recent discussion about my step-daughter having the smaller bedroom if we did have a baby and my husband got a little annoyed about this. He says it doesn't matter how often his daughter stays with us but that the larger room will be her bedroom for as long as she needs it. I do agree if she was younger or lived with us on a more regular basis but she doesn't use her current room anyway, she only goes in it to go to bed and she doesn't keep any clothes here anymore either. I just didn't think it seemed fair if we do have a child soon (who will obviously live with us full time) to put them in a room too small for anything other than a bed, when there is a bigger one that will be empty almost all of the time and my stepdaughter will be almost 20 by then.
I might be wrong and my husband says I don't understand as I don't have children but that he needs to provide his daughter with a stable home and not 'kick' her out of her new room when we have a child.
I would appreciate other peoples opinions on this as I don't want to be unfair to my husband about something I may not understand.
Thank you!

[JudyKayTee]

I appreciate both side of this - I'm a stepmother. I have no children. My husband has three.

It is important that you do nothing to interfere with your husband's relationship with his daughter. I wouldn't have approached this subject with HER until it was necessary because you put your husband right between you.

I also appreciate that your stepdaughter will feel she is being assigned to the less preferable bedroom when YOUR child is born.

I don't see how fair enters into this - before you get pregnant you and your husband should resolve this and all issues involving children from a previous marriage. You are also discussing a situation which has not occurred.

It is very possible that when you have a child your stepdaughter will the advantages to YOUR child (and "they" seldom consider a new child of a new marriage other than YOUR child at first) and offer to take the smaller room.

In the meantime I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and I wouldn't in any way come between your husband and his daughter.

I see the bigger problem as you discussing this matter with your stepdaughter BEFORE you move and BEFORE you are pregnant and (I think) BEFORE you discussed it with your husband.

And there are many times I bite my lips - believe me.

[hheath541]

Being 19, I'm SURE she would understand that a baby would need more room than she does, seeing as she only stays over once a week.

Point out to your husband that you'll need room for a crib, changing table, dresser, and a chair for you to sit in while you feed the baby. Add, that within the first year of the child's life you will also have to have room for a toy box. By the time the child is 2-3, you'll have to replace the crib with a toddler bed, which will need replaced with a twin bed a couple years after that.

Whereas, his adult daughter will only need a bed to sleep in and somewhere to put an overnight bag. If there's room, you could add a small table or desk where she could do homework or use a laptop.

[Fr_Chuck]

I think the 19 year old should be part of the discussion

[JudyKayTee]

being 19, I'm SURE she would understand that a baby would need more room than she does, seeing as she only stays over once a week.

point out to your husband that you'll need room for a crib, changing table, dresser, and a chair for you to sit in while you feed the baby. add, that within the first year of the child's life you will also have to have room for a toy box. by the time the child is 2-3, you'll have to replace the crib with a toddler bed, which will need replaced with a twin bed a couple years after that.

whereas, his adult daughter will only need a bed to sleep in and somewhere to put an overnight bag. if there's room, you could add a small table or desk where she could do homework or use a laptop.

Are you a step parent or a stepchild?

I think this entire discussion and all the arrangements are very premature. OP is not living in the new house, OP is not pregnant.

Perhaps stepchild will understand and perhaps stepchild won't. I wouldn't really be so sure about anything.

I don't see this as a "point out to your husband" discussion. Husband already has children and already knows. I think this is a discussion by a married couple who then discuss it with the stepchild.

I don't see that the stepmother discusses it with the stepchild.

These relationships are tricky and I see the stepdaughter feeling pushed out of her father's life.

[itsonlymee]

Thank you for the very quick responses, it certainly helps to get an insight from other people. I didn't think it necessary to discuss this situation in detail with my husband as obviously we may not be able to have children so therefore totally hypothetical, it was simply a passing comment that highlighted our difference of opinion. I'm not about to cause any upset towards my step daughter or make anything difficult for my husband over this. I am just interested to see what most people thought would be fair in this particular situation and also if it is because I am not a parent that leads me to not fully understand my husbands point of view.

[hheath541]

Then what you can do is set up the bigger bedroom as a guest room. Worry about turning it into a nursery when you get pregnant. It may very well be that he sees no reason to reserve a room for a child that isn't even conceived yet.

[JudyKayTee]

then what you can do is set up the bigger bedroom as a guest room. worry about turning it into a nursery when you get pregnant. it may very well be that he sees no reason to reserve a room for a child that isn't even conceived yet.

The husband already said that the larger bedroom will "belong" to his daughter for as long as she needs it.

He apparently is not in favor of the "bigger guest bedroom" theory (at least at this time).

I believe I already said (several times) that I find this whole conversation with the stepdaughter to be premature.

And to the OP - I have no children. I have two stepchildren from my marriage to my late husband and three from my current marriage. It's very difficult sometimes for me to understand where my stepchildren and/or husband are coming from, what they are thinking, because I spent a lot of years taking care of myself, supporting myself, not worrying about kids and stepkids. It's a dicey road but you learn to walk it with the support of your husband.

I mention NOTHING about ANYTHING of importance to my stepchildren until I have discussed the situation with my husband and we are in agreement.

[Homegirl 50]

Does your husband want anymore kids? Maybe that is where this kind of IMO stubbornness comes from.
The girl is 19 not 12. By the time you have a child, she may not even be wanting to stay over every weekend. When they get older that kind of slows down. My stepson stayed with us every summer when he was young, by the time he hit his teens he would only stay a couple of weeks out of the summer. He stayed in the guest room and he was around almost 5 years before our daughter came along. Where he would sleep was never an issue.
I agree with the idea of making it a guest room. Worry about the nursery when the time comes.

[ZoeMarie]

Ok, I guess I'm going to go a different direction on this one. If it does come down to bringing a baby into the picture, why not let his daughter have the bigger room until she's got a place of her own? After all, she's 19, I can't imagine she would live at home a whole lot longer. Then after she's out on her own the baby could move to a bigger room. That's more or less what we did when my dad and his ex had a baby. The baby really didn't need that big of a room anyway. All she had in there was a crib and her dresser.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm honestly not understanding the husban's respose. It seems to be a bit over the top to me.
This young lady is almost grown.
How long have you two been married?

[Synnen]

Judy--I'm not seeing that she DID discuss it with the stepdaughter. I see it as a discussion ABOUT the stepdaughter WITH the husband.

Am I missing something that you read?

Either way--set the bigger bedroom up as a guest room, whether for the stepdaughter or any other guest.

Frankly, if my husband were that stubborn about who got the smaller bedroom, HE would be sleeping in the single bed and I'd move the baby into the master bedroom with me.

[mawtom]

There is something more to this. There is a reason you feel it even necessary to discuss this prior to moving, prior to even having a baby. It is a ploy to get your husband to choose you and your wants FIRST over his daughter. It is a type of jealousy (may seem odd) but his daughter was conceived from a previous relationship. You are his life now and you want to be #1. To confirm this in your own mind, you want your husband to put his daughter in the smaller room and leave the larger room available for your unconceived child. Should he agree to this you WON. Right? Better grow up before you decide to raise a child my dear.

[Homegirl 50]

They are moving into a new home and she is setting up rooms in her mind. That's kind of what people do when they move into another home.
She says they are planning on having a baby so she is thinking ahead about where the baby will sleep.
Right or wrong, I see nothing that suggest jealousy of the daughter.
I do think the husband's reaction a little over the top. This girl is 19. How often is she going to be there.

[mawtom]

True. My comment is certainly a viable one, as yours is whether right or wrong. Some may agree... some won't. Perhaps jealousy is the wrong word. Just as you saw nothing that suggested jealousy... I did clear as day. I've seen it in reverse where the "daughter" is jealous of the new wife and tries to gain control. Such a vicious circle is it not? Now, if we were in fact a friend of this person, knew the husband, new the husbands daughter our speculations may turn out to be ALL wrong. Sigh!

[mydogquestion]

Having just married a man with kids(I have none) that are in college and come back for small visits during summer and xmas breaks I think you should look at a house that gives room for the current daughter and for future children. We bought a house with a bedroom for each child . Even if they will not spend much time here the have there own room. I think it is important to remember that his child will always be his child. When you marry someone with children you do not become more important than his kids.You become as important .Even if she does not spend much time there when she does she should not feel like a guest. Having her own room is important in feeling like a family member not someone who is visiting there dad and his new family. If you do have a child I think the realationship between her and this new child will be much better if she does not feel like a guest.