[dolly_82]

Hello there,

I'm in need of wise advice badly because I seem to lack the discernment to make the right decision right now. :'(
There are two issues on my hand: I don't want to regret and I don't want to loose what could be the best thing. :-/

Here's my story:

I've been involved on and off in a long-distance relationship with a guy who I've met off the internet (we're both in different and far away countries however from the same mother country). We have been real intimate and so close that it's hard to believe that we haven't even met. Issues of trust are not a problem between us because we have gotten far, my cousin went out to see him and they've met personally. My parents know about him and his parents know about me. The thing is that we never got a chance to meet because I met him at a time when he had just graduated from univ and was looking for a job. Right now, after 3 years, he has saved up enough money to see me & even get married but it won't be up until next summer (2005). The reason why we've been on & off is because we consistently leave things to "fate" and say that time will tell if our love is there to last (personally for me it meant until he made a decision to come out and meet me). Another reason why we've been on & off is because it's tempting not to go out with someone around you when the other person is far... so we've both had our "hidden" relationships because of the distance & in order to satisfy our "needs". It wasn't up until recently that my cousin met him and his final decision to come out and see me was finally made.

The problem is this: I met a new guy close to home. He's really goodlooking and personality wise he's one of a kind. Of all the relationships I've previously had, I was always able to set some sort of a limit to my feelings (or simply didn't take them seriously) because I really believed in my long-distance love and how it would be a dream come true if he ever came out to meet me. However, for the 1st time... I'm starting to fall for this new guy and I'm afraid because right now, more than ever, my long-distance love has made a promise to come. The other problem is that this new guy is also falling for me, and it's the 1st time he's ever fallen in love for a girl.

Both guys don't know about each other. And as much as I try to let go of my long-dist. love I still want to hold on. One instance that really killed me was just yesterday when this new guy and I were making out (we had the radio on) and a special song that my long-distance love dedicated to me (when we first starting falling in love) came on and I just started crying. I broke down totally because this song is an old one for Usher and it rarily comes on the radio station we had on. The new guy was offended (I didn't tell him the real reason I was crying) because he felt I didn't want to kiss him (meaning I don't love him).

I'm afraid of what I'm feeling because I don't want to end what I've been holding on for 3 years. At the same time I'm afraid to let go of this new guy when there might be a possible chance things won't work out with my love (or he might not come) AND the fact that this new guy is really special and one of kind.

Concerning my feelings... I'm feeling something strong for this new guy, I'm afraid to fall in love and I seem to block love in. However, he feels there's something not right and we constantly argue about the issue of trust. We broke up once and the reason I gave was because it was hard to see him (using my parent's conservative views as an excuse)... however, during the time we were apart, I regreted what I did and I wanted him back badly. We're back now however my fears are settling in once again.

What should I do? If I were to break up with this new guy, what excuse should I use? Telling him the truth would only make his heart break & probably lead him to give up on the female race altogether. I can't tell him the truth (about my long distance love) and at the same time I can't tell him that I don't like him... because I really do.

I'm so confused :-[

Please help!?

Thank you.

[opal183]

Take a chance... and go with your gut.. if your really falling for the at home guy.. go for it..

It could be worth your while..

Besides, if things are meant to be with either one, they will be...

Good luck

[artistall]

Truth is the only answer for you! Not only for you but for all those people with whom you associate with now and in the future! You are compromising your own integrity as a person to consider living a lie! You are burning a candle at both ends and now you want to lie your way out of it! Lying is one of the worst paths to take in life! Don't insult people with lies! Instead remember that however much the truth hurts, people will always respect you more for telling it like it is! The Fact Is that if you would have been truthful awhile back you wouldn't be in this position today! Now! Let's look at the problem! It seems that you have waited some time to meet this distant love and he is willing to overcome insurmountable odds to come and meet you! Plus you feel that he might be the perfect person in your life! Your current lover is merely just that, a former convenience that has developed into something more serious! Even so you really don't know how much of your current relationship is True feelings and how much is Infatuation; meaning mainly good sex! The bottom line is this; you cannot have them both, you can't have your love travel to another country so you can decide to dump him, and your biggest fear is making the wrong decision!

The odds are greatly against the possibility that you will meet someone so distant to fall in love with again so that definitely will be a "chance of a lifetime" throw away if you don't let it happen! The odds are very high that you will have the chance to meet many men here and have the chance for a serious relationship again! SO I would suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your new lover and tell him that you have been keeping a secret from him for a long time! Your saving grace most likely will be that you never have had any sexual relations with the man you have waited so long for and have deep feelings for! It's not like you have been cheating on him sexually! Meet your distant love and spend time to get to know each other in person! He may be all that you expected; but if not then your problems are over! If your lover really has feelings for you he will come back to you without any reservation! Just ask him to give you this one chance!
Good Luck!
Write and tell us what you decide and maybe later we can confront your tendency to avoid telling the truth! :)

[Dreamer]

Hi Dolly,

Let me just start by saying that I have been in your situation so I know where you're coming from. I was in a LDR for 3.5 yrs. When I finally moved to be with the man that I "fell in love with." In the meantime, I had to leave behind a man locally that I had also fallen in love with. Thing is, 7 years later, I left my hubby because he became an abusive person and was not all that I thought he was cracked up to be.

So basically what I'm saying is that, in my opinion, right now is not the time to be making any rash decisions. You really do need to meet this long distance man & spend time with him. Sometimes people can altar their personalities online or on the phone to be someone they are definitely not. I am not by any means saying that your long distance love is a fake, and I hope that he's not, but the most important factor here is that you meet with him face to face, spend as much time as possible with him and really get a feel for how comfortable around him you are. At that point, you can then weigh out how you feel with your local sweetie as compared to the feelings you have for your long distance love.

Honestly, I feel that your fears are really getting in the way here & is blocking you from making a choice. If you give up your ldr for this local love, you might lose both. But let me say this - listen to yourself, listen to your heart because it is steering you in the right direction, I promise. Does your heart skip a beat when you are with your local sweetie? Do you feel more "in love" with him than you do with your boyfriend? Really take the time to feel out your emotions. Make a list of pros and cons to their personalities and begin to truly weigh out (without bias) who would be better for you in the long run. The answer is there waiting... you just have to give it a little more time and a little more thought.

So basically in a nutshell, be honest with yourself, meet this long distance love, spend time with him and see how he makes you feel. Do you feel more comfortable and more secure with one more so than the other? These answers will give you the final answer that you seek.

I hope that my advice has helped you in some way. If you need to speak further, I'm here... feel free to send me a message. My best wishes are with you!

[Maki]

Well, Dolly, I'm in a similar situation where I have been w/ my fiancée for a year and a half, all of it a LDR, like yours, and we met online one night, like you. From the first time we talked on the telephone, I knew that she was the right one for me, and I'm pretty sure she was the same way. The first few months we talked for hours at a time, sometimes all night. There've been times when she was so tired but she didn't want to get off the phone with me, so I let her sleep while we were still on the phone. After 10 months of never meeting and always talking, we finally got to meet the day before Valentines Day this year, and the four days we got together made it well worth the waiting. During the later part of those first 10 months, we began talking about getting married and children, so when I got to see her, I asked her, and here we are today, engaged. In August, we got to be together again during my sisters wedding, but it was just for 2 days, which again was completely worth it.

We've had our ups and downs, but never anything major, the biggest thing being me whining cause I want to be closer to her, but that's about it. I've even done the same thing by coming on here and talking about my own problems, which people have given advice on, but all it took for us was to sit her down and have a good healthy long talk with her about how I feel and how she feels.

During the time when I was having a lot of trouble being away from her, I sort of started feeling something for somebody close to home, but after I realized that nothing in this world could change how I feel about my fiancée, I quickly realized that all I was seeking in the closer girl was companionship from being alone for so long. I wasn't looking for a closer relationship, I was looking for somebody to fill the void of not having someone to cuddle up to at night, to hug and kiss each morning, to ask how their day had been. I also realized that just by having the closer girl as a companion, I risked having my fiancée think I was trying to get out of our relationship, and that's just not worth it. The distance, the waiting, all of it, is worth it, because in the end, we will be together.

I can't tell you one way or the other if you're trying to do the same by filling a void of no companionship, or if your feelings for the closer guy may be true love, that's all up to you and your heart. I wouldn't let anybody else decide for you, because what they decide may not be what your heart feels. Trust yourself. The other people that have replied to your problem offer great advice, but in the end it's still going to be up to you and only you. All I can say is good luck in your decisions and always remember that you have to live with your choice, so make sure it's the right one.

Maki

[GreenX]

Just tell the truth, and do what's best for you.

You could end up with no-one if you can't work it out.

If I were you, I'd meet this internet guy and not tell the other guy, kind of have both of them going at once, and compare the two, then make your choice!