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This is the place to vent, rant, and examine yourself, as we have all been through the trauma that break ups cause. |
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'I wish', I am definitely trying to distract myself as much as possible, but it's hard to feel any happiness or hop, and also hard because I don't want to feel like I'm doing enjoyable things when I know he's so sad and upset about it all. I feel guilty. Also, now that all these emotions are coming out, I'm beginning to find it so hard to remember the reasons I broke up with him the first place. I tell myself, maybe it wasn't that bad sometimes.. I know deep down it was that bad really, but the strong negative feelings about it I had last week that made me make the final decision seem to have faded away now that I'm on my own. Like we had cancelled a holiday together due to unforseen reasons and so instead of re-booking it with him I booked it with a girlfriend instead - last week that seemed like the best idea in the world as a holiday together would have been a nightmare, but today I can't stop thinking about "what if we went on holiday.. what if we actually had fun and he didn't spend the whole time telling me what to wear"... Oh I don't know. It's like a rollercoaster. It keeps going up, and down, and up and down... what if this never ends Talaniman - Your quotes are really true and though-provoking; I would love to become wise enough or self-sufficient enough one day to feel like I don't need a relationship to keep me happy. |
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It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture? Have you read the NC related threads in my signature? The up and down feelings is a natural part in the healing process. The pain can get worse, but once it's reached it's highest point, it will only get easier from there. But if you give in to the pain, then you're going to reset the progress and restart the healing process. Dragging out the pain can be dreadful. Therefore, keep taking steps to better yourself and do things that make you happy, i.e. the list of things to do to help distract yourself. The more happy things you do for yourself, the less attention you will give to this break, and the easier it will be to move on. |
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 Originally Posted by eveamee09
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Just keep on posting evamee and we'll help all we can. You are among friends here and we will try to help you through this... OK? |
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Hi everyone, thanks very much, it's nice to know that some people are listening and understand what I'm going through.
Originally Posted by prowaker
'I wish' is so right. This comment: "It's not only about the reasons you broke up. You also have to look ahead. Think about it this way, even if you got back together, if things aren't fixed, then the relationship will blow up again. Why put yourself through that torture?" is so true. I know it would never "fix" itself, and I can only carry on with the hope that one day things will get better. Between now and then, I am barely functioning, but the positive and hopeful words from people are making it seem more possible. Thank you again. And thank you KitKat, you are helping more than you know. |
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Originally Posted by eveamee09
Call me Kit... You're my friend. Wow.. I am so glad to read what you wrote to the other who is going through something similar. You are a very, very strong young lady. I don't think you realize that. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you know when a relationship is bad? You really intend to stick to your guns and that is something I don't hear very often. Don't listen to sad music... it only makes it worse. Put on "I Will Survive" and dance and you scream and cry and laugh at the same time. You are a survivor. It does make me feel like I am needed when you say I'm helping. I just hope I can get you through this and when you meet the right guy you can name your first child after me:D You will meet that person and he will respect you and love you and not try to dominate you. Keep doing what your doing and come on this site and look for other women or men who are going through what you are now. Your advice to someone here.. could help someone who may be thinking of ending a relationship just like yours and don't know how to do it. You gave great words of wisdom to the guy on this site. Think of how many more you could help. Hugs to you... |
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eveamee09 Today I was not bad I kept really busy hung out with my family. How are you? Now I'm not mad at my "girlfriend" I'm more confused. I have not slept properly over the past few days nor been eating properly. I'm more concerned that I will be kicked out her life and she will immediately jump into another relationship (which I replied on my other post) so I'm hoping she won't knowing her very well. I believe she might have felt the way you did. To be completely honest I was some what over protected as times, but not as much to tell her she could not be in a bikini. I recently found out that her parents don't want me around their daughter anymore and her not to have anything to do with me or my family. So that is very hurtful. I don't know if I can take another day of NC, before everyone yells at me and tells me not to. She is the type of girl that will talk/text back. She understands me and knows what's going on more than I do. If her parents didn't dislike me so much it might be a little easier to fix our break up or at least give me a chance to talk to her. I really hope she does still like me even the slightest bit, but if she doesn't being friends for me would still be amazing. |
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Originally Posted by Kitkat22
I keep reminding myself all the time of the fact that he was dominating, that I couldn't be my true self, and had to walk on eggshells around him most of the time in case I said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing and made him angry. I KNOW that is not healthy, and to be honest, the whole 2 years we have been together has been a CONSTANT stress, a constant worry and a constant feeling of pain. I don't want to go through that forever. I know that that would never end if I stayed in that relationship, but coming out of it, there is a strong chance that one day I will feel some sort of happiness again, and perhaps find someone who made me feel like it was okay to be myself and have the opinions that I want to have, not that he wants me to have. So at the moment, that's all that's keeping me going really. I was saying to prowaker in his other thread that one of the hardest parts is knowing that he's going through a huge amount of pain, is most likely sitting wallowing in his flat, and not revising one bit for his major exams that are coming up at the end of this week and all next week. He said to me that he's not going to bother anymore, because he was only doing it all for me anyway, and he doesn't even care about his big boxing match anymore that he's been looking forward to. Not to mention the fact that he's definitely not sleeping, or eating. Now that is just so hard, it's so hard to even TRY to move on when you know what your actions have caused somebody else to go through. I keep trying to tell myself that it's not my fault he's like that, it's just the way it happened, but I feel SO guilty and so much like I want to help him, but I don't know how? At the moment I'm just trying my hardest not to contact him so as to let him sort himself out as best he can. Although his Mum has been texting me (I like her we get on really well) and said we could have a chat today or tomorrow. Do you think it's a good idea to talk to his Mum about it? He doesn't live with her by the way, so it's not like he'll be listening too or anything, but is it a good idea? Just wondered what you thought! Hi prowaker, like I said in my other post on your thread, I hope you're getting through the day okay and coping all right. That's nice that you have a supportive family there, they will always be there to help you. It must be tough knowing that her parents might've influenced her decision. But at the end of the day, like we said, if she's not going to be with you and be fully happy about it due to unconditional love and commitment, then is that really what you'd want anyway? Also, you said about the not being able to talk on the phone thing... my gosh that has been one of the hardest things for me too. Almost unbearable, actually. Because like you we both would talk every night without fail, and that was what got me through some hard nights and made me feel relaxed and able to sleep. We'd tell each other how much we loved each other, talk about our day... talk about the future sometimes... knowing that he's not here anymore to care or support me is so heartbreaking, often that's what gets me down the most. It's like the one person who means the world to you has gone, and can never be fully replaced. So I think we both just need to stay strong and try to think positively, and know that each day can only get better from here on! Best of luck guys. And sorry for the extra long post, my University course is all about writing essays so maybe I'm applying that too much to this too! |
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I have a feeling if you go talk with his mother, he'll show up and you'll be back at square one. I also think he is using the exam thing as an excuse to make you feel guilty. He has lost his little puppet and he knows you're getting stronger and he can't stand it. I think you're doing great and he knows that and he will manipulate as much as he can, and it will set you back. Don't let him do it! Keep posting... Kit |
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Thanks Kit, you know I think you might be right about the exam thing, he did say he wouldn't take them very near to when I told him it was over so it's likely it was an attempt at a bit of a win-back technique. His Mum actually rang me in the end and we chatted about the whole thing. I told her my reasons and feelings and she was very supportive and understood. We have both decided that it's probably best (because both of us have really important exams over the next 3 weeks) to cut contact for 3 weeks and make the whole thing more official afterwards. This also gives me time to get used to being on my own and not talking to him before I take the last big step and sever it completely. It's really quite tough at the moment as I miss him IMMENSELY but I am trying my best. Will I stop missing him and longing for him one day? Having him hold me and hug me is all I can really think about at the moment. In my fantasy world it would make all my problems go away.. unfortunately in reality that would only make them worse :( |
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Today has been a really bad day. I feel like I am having a break-down. I cannot stop crying/panicking/feeling really sorry for myself and negative.. I have written out a huge email of questions to him that I am so tempted to send but I don't think I should. I actually feel the lowest I've ever felt and don't know what to do with myself. My family aren't being very supportive at all because they are all so busy with themselves and their own problems.. I just can't handle this anymore. I have such a desire to tell him how I'm feeling and get him to understand... I hate that he thinks it's all my fault when he doesn't have a clue of the pain he's put me through over the past few months and of how much I am hurting right now. I don't know what to do. |
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Yes you do. You know exactly what to do. Make some coffee and look forward to a great day. And thank God for being able to enjoy it. Well its morning here, and that's the way we start the day at my house. What time is it where you are? |
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I'm sorry to here that eveamme. You can do it, you and will pull through together! I haven't felt that down yet, which is good and bad I guess. I really wish I could just hug it out with her and make everything the way it used to be or go back in time and just don't do what happened for this to end like this. The night is worst for me all I dream about is her and I when we were happy and joyful. So right now I'm good but come another 10 hours or so it will hit again. |
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Take a deep breath and calm down. This is exactly how he wants you to react. You owe him nothing! Any man who emotionally abuses a woman and that's what he's done isn't deserving of anything. Don't fall back into his trap, that's exactly what he wants you to do. He's a big baby who wants you to feel guilty about leaving him. Well I say, Hooray for you for finally finding your backbone again and getting out of Dodge. So what if he doesn't take his exams? It isn't your fault. He is waiting like a big old tiger for you to come and ask him all these things and when you do, you'll be right back under his power again. He sounds like a Mommas boy and if his mom has let her husband dictate and mentally abuse her all these years, lets just say about your ex, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I wouldn't care to bet you if they were able, they would have you all walking three steps behind them and bowing when they came through the door. Tough words , but this guy is going to try to ruin your life one way or another.. He has lost his Little woman and knows you are getting over it. Don't go back... change your number or block him from evrything... Please... |
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Originally Posted by eveamee09
Reading the stickies, venting on here, listening to the advice and trying new things (such as running 3 miles every night) have really helped me move on. My situation was a mess and it still hits me every now and then. If I'm having a really bad day, I come on here and just read what other people are going through. It helps to know you're not alone. |
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Eveamee.. please keep posting. I'm worried about you. Just let us know your okay.. Kit |
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Thank you everybody for your support. I am feeling better now, it just comes in waves and like you said Crichton it really does just hit you sometimes and you find yourself breaking down a little bit, but thankfully I seem to be able to pick myself up again after a good cry and use distractions to carry on! Kit, you are lovely, and many of your tough words are unfortunately true. However I really genuinely know he's not a bad person or a weak person - I think he's just been brought up this way so that's how he is, and he doesn't quite realise the extent to what he's put me though. And his family are really nice, his Mum divorced his Dad in her mid-twenties, and when I spoke to her on the phone she actually seemed to agree with me which was a bit bizarre and hint that getting out now before we were married with children was definitely the right decision to make, if I felt that there was no way I could conform fully to Islamic beliefs. And his family aren't that bad, they're not the type to want you to walk behind and bow, but there definitely is a huge element of the man being in control, and the woman just conforming. Which I can't. I've got to stop kidding myself - I KNOW that is not what I want, or what would make me happy, heck if it's what I wanted I wouldn't have been in tears practically every other night for the last 2 years. I am just trying so hard to take everyone's advice on board and however hard it is, keep strong, so thank you : ) I did make a bit of a big mistake today by sending him one really really angry text, telling him how hurt I was by what he's done to me, how he's controlled me etc etc... then I realised how silly it was and CERTAINLY won't be doing that again. He then tried to ring me, but instead of giving in and answering I didn't and instead sent him a last text saying that the original text was a mistake, I need to learn to control my emotions better and that we shouldn't contact each other until after exams. He sent one back agreeing and asking me not to make a mistake like that again. I do regret sending it but I know now that it was wrong and not necessary and that no matter how angry I feel, telling him it all AGAIN won't make things any better. I am beginning to feel a bit guilty as a few of the things I said in the text aren't really true, they were just me blowing things out of proportion, and I know it must have hurt his feelings as not only have I dumped him, but I also sent him a nasty demeaning text. But anyway, for now trying not to think about his feelings too much and focus on going to sleep. I am clinging onto the hope that one day this will all get better, just like you all keep saying! Talaniman, my last above post was sent at 1.42pm and now it's 23.10pm in England. What time is it where you are? And I've been thinking about taking up Salsa dancing - I've always loved it but I've never been "allowed" as obviously you have to dance with lots of other men... but now I can make my own decisions so I'd love to do it! And I've been belly dancing for years now but never been allowed to perform in shows if men are watching, but I think now I might just try and get into a show! These are positive things that are coming out of it. |
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Gosh... I'm glad you posted again. Sorry if I was a bit rough with my words. I'm not putting down Muslims.. there are some good people who are Muslim. I also am glad to hear you told him what you thought . You are getting stronger and I'm happy you are. I think his mother must be a unique woman and I also believe she has your best interest at heart.She must be a very strong and good person. Salsa dancing sounds great. I'm so sure you're going to be totally over him in a while. If two people can't agree on how to raise children or anything else it isn't going to work. The thing is there are a lot of men in this world who treat their wives and girlfriends that way. You had the courage to leave... and that makes you a very strong woman. Hugs to you... Kit |
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Hi Kit, yes I agree with you, we would definitely never agree on how to raise children... that would be a nightmare and would cause SO much stress. I am realising more and more how lucky I would be to get out now, and to avoid much more further heartache, for both of us. When I think about the summer ahead I feel down though.. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself for 3 months of being here in this house whilst my family are away on holiday and knowing that he is just around the corner and probably free, and that we could go for a nice walk or something. Perhaps these next three weeks of exams will help to take my mind off it and make me learn to cope on my own without him, and then I won't even WANT to meet him for a walk as going down that whole route again. And yes, I see his Mum as quite inspirational to me, the fact that she went through pretty much the same thing as me and then ended up divorcing him just shows that Western women and strong Islamic cultures don't really mix. Although, I do wonder if I'll ever find anyone who truly suits me? I don't drink alcohol or go clubbing or anything like that really, through my own choice (I was this way long before I met my boyfriend), and finding a guy who is similar might be quite hard. I want to know what will happen in the future now and get rid of all this waiting!! |
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