[schnauzerlady]

I know. I'll defintely give him props if he doesn't run for cover. (BTW, interrogate was the perfect word, i couldn't think of one)
I kind of want to protect him. :p
But he's a big boy, he'll be fine. :)

Sorry guys, but we don't interrogate!!

[schnauzerlady]

I must thank you for your posts some where very helpful where others came across very rude; this has been a very hard time for me especially, dd has never given me any grief we have always talked things out and worked things out, normal relationship maybe not, friends yes, we have gone through having my son live on the streets and almost dying of an od, he is a success story now and helping others to come clean.

So pain is no stranger to my heart; but a medaling mother no I am not, my daughter and I talk and we voice our opinions.

We had a family meeting last night and I took when spoke to my heart from this blog and shared it with my dd and dh. We shared our concerns with her about this event and told her she would need to decide what was best, we were not going to forbid her to go, as some other fathers we spoke to suggested.

We also shared how we want to incourage her independence and asked what she needed from us.

For us to let go more, she would need to be more responsible around the house and not expect us to pick up after her, etc...

So again thank you, I definitely am learning to do more listening; dd and I went out shopping late last night and I did bite my togue a lot, it will be a step by step process.

Some of you definitely need to work on your bedside manner, some of you seem to be spiritual but where is your love for others try putting yourself in their hearts position and feel their pain, not just book knowledge.

[Jake2008]

The quality and quantity of answers will depend upon the information you provide in your question.

Until you posted as to the issue of a disability, none of us were aware if this was perhaps part of the problem in allowing for more independence. To know to what degree she was disabled, would change the picture, and the answers from members.

You say that the only issue now, is financial. Fair enough. But that was not the impression from what you wrote.

To me, I think the fact that we have drawn out some important issues and impressions, means that collectively, our answers have helped, even a little bit, in helping you move in the direction of her independence, as well as helped you in realizing that it is far more important to allow her to live her own life, and to back off a bit from being so involved in the decisions she makes.

I know it isn't easy, and obviously what you have gone through with your son is history you don't want to repeat in any way, with your daughter. It is wonderful that he turned his life around and is helping others.

Congrats on the progress with the family meeting.

Getting it all out on the table and discussing all points of view will only lead to good outcomes.

Best of luck.

[Alty]

If you felt any of us were being rude, I do apologize. I can only speak for myself, but I don't believe in sugar coating things. I call it as I see it, and I based my answers on what you wrote and the fact that I'm also a mom.

My kids aren't adults yet, but already they're very independent for their ages. I love them, but I'm not their friend, never will be. I'm their mom, that's the role I play in their lives. I'm there to comfort, to advise, to teach, to love unconditionally, to be there when they need help, to help them grow up to become mature responsible people. Being a buddy to them would take away the role of mother, and I think that may be part of what's going on with you and your daughter.

In the end, it's up to you to choose which advice you will follow and which advice you won't. I can only wish you and your daughter the best and hope that you can both become more independent of each other.

Good luck.

[Wondergirl]

I was coming at this from the perspective of a mother with a adult son who is high-functioning autistic. He lives with us and is a contributing member of the family. He works at a real job, does many chores both inside and outside our house, has learned to handle his checking account and credit cards responsibly, and is being groomed to take over this house once we are out of it. He will never drive a car (but everything he needs is within easy walking distance), and he may never marry, but I am doing my utmost to make sure he will be independent and be able to survive on his own someday. That's all that most parents want to do for their kids -- teach them how to survive in this world, to have good judgment, to not fall for every scheme presented, how to protect their privacy.

[ohsohappy]

Thank you, I really like your suggestions.

I'm glad I can help a bit. If I came off as a bit rude in some of my other posts I do apologize. I have a brother with Aspergers, so I know how hard it can be to just let someone alone that you care about. I'm the oldest and I've had to back off a TON.

[dontknownuthin]

What is the impairment?

[Jake2008]

From a previous post,

"she was born with a disability of being perceptionally impaired so a slow learner"

This falls into a category of a learning disorder of some type.

OP did not provide any details as to what impairment, or type of disability her daughter has, other than 'slow learner'.

[dontknownuthin]

Thanks for the info Jake - I guess my advice would stand but perhaps the parents might ask to meet the guy, invite him to dinner and make a concerted effort to be supportive - in that way they are more apt to be able to have a positive influence on the couple.

[Wondergirl]

perhaps the parents might ask to meet the guy, invite him to dinner and make a concerted effort to be supportive - in that way they are more apt to be able to have a positive influence on the couple.

It really does help to read the thread: "we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, [but] short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first."

[Homegirl 50]

I spoke as the mother of an adult daughter, so I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, I do it quite often. That is what you do as the mother of an adult. Although there will be times when you need to say something.

We all gave answers based on the information given and a lot of it was changed as more info was given, that is really the all we can do.
It did inspire dialogue and so in that respect I think or at least hope we did pretty good.
I wish you well.

[jmjoseph]

I spoke as the mother of an adult daughter, so I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, I do it quite often. That is what you do as the mother of an adult. Although there will be times when you need to say something.

We all gave answers based on the information given and a lot of it was changed as more info was given, that is really the all we can do.
It did inspire dialogue and so in that respect I think or at least hope we did pretty good.
I wish you well.

I agree with this. When you post something like this, and then right in the middle of it, someone is "challenged" somehow... it changes the previous answers. They cannot THEN be labeled as "rude", or "uncaring". When stories "morph" into something unfortunate, it changes things.

The advice was given based on the original thread.

And questioning someone's Christianity because you were not completely open from the beginning is unnecessary.

We are not paid here. The advice was free.

It's not the "bedside manner" that needs improvement. It the disclosure and honesty, that needs work.

Good luck. That's all you'll get from me.

[schnauzerlady]

Thank you all for your posts, they have been helpful, it has been a very emotional time. Sorry if I offended anyone with my honesty.
Thank you all again.

[schnauzerlady]

I should share, that I and my husband have moved from advising to sharing our concern and leaving decisions up to dd. She actually was shocked and when I state no I can't do that for you, you're 21, it did take her back a little, but with a laugh, we are know moving forward and treating each other with mutal respect... I did need to hear all these comments even though I didn't want to. Thank you and God Bless.

[jmjoseph]

Sorry if I offended anyone with my honesty.
.

Same here. Glad it's starting. Good luck to you all.

[J_9]

Sometimes the best advice is the advice we don't want to hear. It's hard, and it comes as a slap in the face, but that just shows that we are in denial.

I am the mother of 2 grown sons and a teen daughter.

One of my sons wanted to marry prior to leaving for Iraq. The rest of the family did not really care for the gal he wanted to marry, but he was grown. We could not make that choice for him, he has to learn on his own, and we have to trust that we taught them well. Fast forward, it's been a year now. He's been to Iraq and returned. In that year we have learned just how much this gal loves our son and what a beautiful couple they are together.

You see, while we know our children, they know their likes and dislikes much better than we do. We have to let them make their choices and support whatever decision they make, no matter what we as parents believe.

It's hard to let them go, it's hard to bite your tongue. But in the long run you will have a much better relationship with your daughter if you let her think for herself.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are on the right road and I wish you continued success.

[Alty]

I should share, that I and my husband have moved from advising to sharing our concern and leaving decisions up to dd. She actually was shocked and when I state no I can't do that for you, you're 21, it did take her back a little, but with a laugh, we are know moving forward and treating each other with mutal respect.....I did need to hear all these comments even though I didnt want to. Thank you and God Bless.

Good for you. I'm glad that changes are being made, it's all for her best interest, and yours too.

I wish you the best of luck.