[Homegirl 50]

Well we all hope our adult kids might do something differently, but the fact is, she is an adult and if she feels comfortable enough to go to his apartment for a meal that is her choice to make. She knows him better than you too do and that is how is should be and is anyway.

Welcome to the world of being a parent to adult kids. All you can do is let go and let God.

[justcurious55]

I think your husband is still missing the point that she is an adult. She's going over for dinner. She's not moving in. ask her to be home or call you by a certain time if you're really that concerned. Maybe he can pick her up from your house so you can meet him and talk to him first.

[Homegirl 50]

She does not need to do any of those things, she's grown! She could maybe call when she is on her way home.

Have you guys met the young man? The problem you're having is yours not hers, don't make it hers.
You and hubby go out to dinner and enjoy yourself, or I might suggest talking to other parents of adult kids.

[ohsohappy]

Ok, so I am suppose to let go, but then I have my husband telling me he is just trying to lure her in and is afraid for her; so I let her go and then I go out shopping for the night so I dont have to be tormented and more worried...I got two delemmas here.

I just wanted to point something out.
You don't LET or ALLOW her to do anything.
You don't have that say. She is an adult. Do a favor for her and yourself, stop trying to have that kind of say over things.

When she asks your opinion, and presses for answers, the best thing for you to say is

1) if you're concerned: "As a mother, I'm always worried about you, but I know I raised you right and I trust you'll be just fine"

Anything else tell her that you aren't the one making any decisions, if she wants to know what you think, make her tell you what she REALLY thinks before you even express an opinion. When you show her that you worry about everything, she thinks you don't trust her, so she wants you to approve. I'm getting the vibe that she gives you all of the details because she wants your approval. Thus she doesn't really try to think for herself. You need to tell her to stop depending on you, and you need to quit enabling her to behave like a child. She needs to make these decisions on her own, which means it's your job as a parent to know when it's time.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, but everything will be fine.
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your daughter, and we all know that it's very hard not to worry.

The hardest part is to stop showing constant anxiety over her. And make sure that she knows; no matter what happens you love her. Eventually she WILL learn the right things to do. She will gain more confidence in her decision making and, and you will worry less and less. It'll be hard for you to watch, but you need to.

You can do it. :)
Let her grow up. She is not at a healthy level of dependence for a 21-year-old woman.

[dontknownuthin]

You tell her to have a lovely time and to call if she'll be later than expected so you don't worry too much. If you worry anyway, sorry - that's on you! She still gets to have a life and you don't get to guilt her about it.

Consider that if she were away at college, you'd have no idea where she was, who she was with, how late, what she was doing. That's appropriate - she's an adult and just as your intimate life is none of her business, hers is not your business, either.

At this point she knows your values and clearly she told you where she's going and who with - she's not trying to sneak around or anything. She works full time and goes to college? This is not a girl you need to worry too much about. Trust her to have good judgement about herself, and the men she chooses to date.

[jmjoseph]

A few posts back the OP mentioned that the daughter was reading the posts here. I wonder, does she have an interest in this anxiety? Is it HER that has second thoughts about going over to this guy's place?

Or is she sitting there next to you, saying "See? They all want you to let me go"?

If I were the guy, then I would be the one having the second thoughts. What guy wants to go out with a girl so immature? And one who would most definitely share all of the events of the night, with her mother and HER husband.

No thanks.

God bless you and your family.

[Alty]

You can't keep her in a bubble her entire life. I'm sure that's not what you want for her. Is it?

We all make mistakes, we all date less then savory people, we all have to live and learn, otherwise we never move forward, we're just stuck.

She's an adult, a young adult, but an adult none the less. By the time I was her age I'd already been dating my husband for 2 years. Yes, we're still together, celebrating 15 years of marriage this Thursday, been together 20 years.

She's dated some bad eggs, but that doesn't mean every guy is cut from the same cloth. Give this guy a chance. Give your daughter a chance. Cut the apron strings.

Yes it's hard to let go, that's why it's the right thing to do. Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Let her grow up. Be there for her if things go wrong, but stop trying to protect her to the point where you're smothering her, otherwise she'll never grow up.

[Jake2008]

I find it interesting that as the OP's posts and information come to light, the daughter now has a disability, but has not answered as to how the disability affects her functioning.

Is it just beefing up the case to need to hang on? Or are there some limitations.

OP are you listening? Are there any problems from what you have described, that could keep this girl from being independent?

[Homegirl 50]

I understand the need to want to protect her, especially since she has had one bad experience, but you can't do that. It is not fair to her.
She has overcome so much and you guys want to hold her back keep her from falling, but what that does is stunt her growth.
Talk to some other parents of adult kids, see how they handle things.

[jmjoseph]

I have to confess the fact that I overlooked the impairment post. I didn't mean to be ugly. This makes a little more sense now.

Next time, give us the whole story first. Still, she needs to stand on her own two feet socially.

[ohsohappy]

I have to confess the fact that I overlooked the impairment post. I didn't mean to be ugly. This makes a little more sense now.

Next time, give us the whole story first. Still, she needs to stand on her own two feet socially.

Even if you didn't overlook it, the answers would probably still be quite similar. Hovering over people who are impared in some ways can sometimes be worse than hoving over a person who is not, no matter how good the intentions are. I know, I have an 18-year-old brother with Aspergers who isn't going to graduate high school because he felt smothered and stopped working entirely. Everyone [teachers and aids] hovered over him and did everything for him at school. By the time he wanted to do things on his own, he didn't know how.

[Alty]

works fulltime, goes to college part time

Sounds like she's doing well even with a disability.

[Wondergirl]

Have you ever had him over for dinner at YOUR house? Maybe the time has come for that.

[ohsohappy]

Have you ever had him over for dinner at YOUR house? Maybe the time has come for that.

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

[Alty]

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

He has to know how overprotective they are. I'm sure this isn't something new, something that just came up.

I think it speaks volumes for him that he's sticking around even with all the interference.

I do agree that it could go badly, especially in light of how protective the parents are. If they do invite him over, interrogate him, and he sticks around, well that's a big plus for him. I don't think he should have to go through that though.

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life. I would hope that by that time I've raised my children well enough to let them go out into the world. Will bad things happen? Probably, that's life. As a parent you can only go so far, protect them so much. Sooner or later you have to hope that you did the best you could do and that they're smart enough to make the right decisions, or learn from their mistakes.

[ohsohappy]

He has to know how overprotective they are. I'm sure this isn't something new, something that just came up.

I think it speaks volumes for him that he's sticking around even with all the interference.

I do agree that it could go badly, especially in light of how protective the parents are. If they do invite him over, interrogate him, and he sticks around, well that's a big plus for him. I don't think he should have to go through that though.

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life. I would hope that by that time I've raised my children well enough to let them go out into the world. Will bad things happen? Probably, that's life. As a parent you can only go so far, protect them so much. Sooner or later you have to hope that you did the best you could do and that they're smart enough to make the right decisions, or learn from their mistakes.

I know. I'll defintely give him props if he doesn't run for cover. (BTW, interrogate was the perfect word, I couldn't think of one)
I kind of want to protect him. :p
But he's a big boy, he'll be fine. :)

[Wondergirl]

I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life.

The mom did mention that her daughter was impaired somehow. Plus, the daughter has gotten herself into several pickles. I'm not one for overprotecting, but I'm somewhat with the mom on this one. I think there is some kind of middle ground so she doesn't scare away the guy (if he's a keeper), yet will allow her daughter to become increasingly more independent and make her own decisions.

[schnauzerlady]

I find it interesting that as the OP's posts and information come to light, the daughter now has a disability, but has not answered as to how the disability affects her functioning.

Is it just beefing up the case to need to hang on? Or are there some limitations.

OP are you listening? Are there any problems from what you have described, that could keep this girl from being independent?

No; I was asked of victims, etc and I just put on that she had a learning disability... the only thing keeping her from moving out is financial, we are working on that she is paying off credit cards and saving money to prepare for her apt. which will not be immediately but it's a goal for us both to get use to.

[schnauzerlady]

I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.

If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.

We are not as bad as you make us out to be, we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first.

[schnauzerlady]

I just wanted to point something out.
You don't LET or ALLOW her to do anything.
You don't have that say. She is an adult. Do a favor for her and yourself, stop trying to have that kind of say over things.

When she asks your opinion, and presses for answers, the best thing for you to say is

1) if you're concerned: "As a mother, I'm always worried about you, but I know I raised you right and I trust you'll be just fine"

Anything else tell her that you aren't the one making any decisions, if she wants to know what you think, make her tell you what she REALLY thinks before you even express an opinion. When you show her that you worry about everything, she thinks you don't trust her, so she wants you to approve. I'm getting the vibe that she gives you all of the details because she wants your approval. Thus she doesn't really try to think for herself. You need to tell her to stop depending on you, and you need to quit enabling her to behave like a child. She needs to make these decisions on her own, which means it's your job as a parent to know when it's time.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, but everything will be fine.
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your daughter, and we all know that it's very hard not to worry.

The hardest part is to stop showing constant anxiety over her. And make sure that she knows; no matter what happens you love her. Eventually she WILL learn the right things to do. She will gain more confidence in her decision making and, and you will worry less and less. it'll be hard for you to watch, but you need to.

you can do it. :)
Let her grow up. she is not at a healthy level of dependence for a 21-year-old woman.

Thank you, I really like your suggestions.