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SHARON77 · May 23, 2010, 02:04 AM

My 16 year old daughter is dating a 22 year old man he lives next door and he is a bum he has no job and doesn't even leave his house only to sign on to get his benefits she was dating him when she was 15 and I thought I put a stop to it and as soon as she went 16 in April this year they got back together she has been very sly I found out by coming home early and catching them kissing

QLP · May 23, 2010, 02:59 AM

I think the fact that it is not allowed is probably part of the incentive. Since it is proving very difficult to stop her seeing him, and she only does so in secret if you try to prevent it, I would take the opposite tack. Invite him round for tea. Be friendly and welcome him into your home. Get the relationship right under your nose so you have a better chance of having some control over what goes on. Don't make him the forbidden fruit that she has to sneekily have.

Try and get her on side and have some responsible chats about sexual activity and it's unwanted consequences.

You need to find out how much of this is about her actual feelings about him and how much is just teenage rebellion. Make it clear that you expect them both to behave responsibly in this relationship, so that she feels you are treating her like an adult rather than a kid and just maybe the allure will diminish.

Good luck.

ScottGem · May 23, 2010, 04:24 AM

So what is your question? I'm unclear as to what you need help with?

talaniman · May 23, 2010, 07:13 AM

need help with a 16 year old daughter dating a 22 year old man

You tell him straight to his face you will be reporting him to authorities if he continues seeing your daughter, and then report him, if it continues.

Fr_Chuck · May 23, 2010, 07:51 AM

So never leave the 16 year old unsupervised

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 11:57 AM

Yes it is wrong. This young man would be in serious trouble with the law.
In fact he would be in serious trouble with me. He has no business dating your daughter.
I and her dad would be having a serious talk with him.

justcurious55 · May 24, 2010, 11:59 AM

Simple, short answer: wrong.

What is "dating" for her? At her age it should be something along the lines of hand holding and going to the movies. What have her and this 21 year old been up to?

How did she even meet him?

A 21 year old really has no business being interested in a 16 year old. She's still in high school. He is hopefully part way through college. They should be at totally different places in their lives and there's a huge maturity gap. Not to mention the legal side of things.

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 12:18 PM

Not only is it wrong, it's illegal

dontknownuthin · May 24, 2010, 12:34 PM

I would report this to the police. Your daughter will be mad but too bad - this man is a sexual predator. If you want to be "nice" (I wouldn't), I'd make it clear to both of them that all contact is to be over immediately and if you see any indication that either of them is doing anything at all to maintain contact, you will contact the police. They knew it was wrong which is why they lied to you and hid it from you. The difference is that your daughter is a child who can be easily manipulated - this is entirely the guy's fault.

ohsohappy · May 24, 2010, 12:39 PM

Put your foot down on this RIGHT AWAY. You daughter can be as angry as she wants with you, that's fine, she will get over it. Do whatever it takes to protect her.

Do you know anything else about this man?

justcurious55 · May 24, 2010, 12:58 PM

The reason I asked what they've been up to and what she meant by dating is because, dating in and of itself isn't necessarily illegal. There's no laws that a 21 year old can't date a 16 year old. There are laws on sexual contact though. There may be nothing to report just yet, we weren't given enough details. For sure the relationship needs to end and if it's made clear to this creep that he'd better not come around this girl anymore and he continues to, then the police should definitely become involved. Or if they've already had any sort of sexual contact, the police should become involved. But the OP hasn't given us enough details to know that anything illegal has happened yet.

Kitkat22 · May 24, 2010, 01:16 PM

I like some of the others agree.. Call the police. If she gets mad.. Tough. If she insisted on hiding this from you she already knows she's wrong.

You are the parent... Nail him and let the authorities know what's been going on. Good Luck

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

the reason i asked what they've been up to and what she meant by dating is because, dating in and of itself isn't necessarily illegal. there's no laws that a 21 year old can't date a 16 year old. there are laws on sexual contact though. there may be nothing to report just yet, we weren't given enough details. for sure the relationship needs to end and if it's made clear to this creep that he'd better not come around this girl anymore and he continues to, then the police should definitely become involved. or if they've already had any sort of sexual contact, the police should become involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details to know that anything illegal has happened yet.

Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?

Kitkat22 · May 24, 2010, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?

Homegirl have to spread the love.. but I'm just wondering how far this relationship has gone. If there were sexual encounters then this man could go to prison. He is old enough to know better than to mess around with a youngster.

I would like to know how this is going to play out. If I were the mother I would be after him with a rope. The fifteen year old is not blameless either. She apparently didn't care enough about her mother to let her know what she was doing. What a mess

justcurious55 · May 24, 2010, 01:39 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Doesn't matter.
I would not stand for a 21 year old dating my 15 year old, I don't care if they are holding hands. There is no reason for a 21 year old to be passing time with a 15 year old. That's just asking for trouble. What would he even have in common with her?

I wouldn't stand for it either. I already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. But what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? If he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. But the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. So what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?

Kitkat22 · May 24, 2010, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

i wouldn't stand for it either. i already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. but what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? if he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. so what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?

A fifteen year old dating a twenty-one year old for a year... I think there will be more to it than just holding hands... That's only my opinion and you are right... we won't know anything unless the mom posts again. I hope she does.

justcurious55 · May 24, 2010, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

A fifteen year old dating a twenty-one year old for a year...I think there will be more to it than just holding hands...That's only my opinion and you are right...we won't know anything unless the mom posts again. I hope she does.

Still, the OP did not give us a lot of details. We don't know if they have been dating sine she turned 15. Or maybe days before she turned 16. And we don't even know how close they are physically. When I was in high school my friend was "dating" a guy in Boston. They'd met at a party were we lived in CA, kept in touch through myspace and texts, and began "dating" months after they'd met. There was never any sexual contact. They had plans to meet again as soon as she turned 18. I don't even remember how old he was. I think around 21 when she was 16 too, something close to that. I thought it was stupid and unhealthy, but not illegal. We really can't help the OP anymore until she comes back and gives us more details

Kitkat22 · May 24, 2010, 02:04 PM

I do hope you come back Sharon and let us try to help you! The good thing about this site is you are anonymous and so is your child.

I do hope we can help you!

Homegirl 50 · May 24, 2010, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

i wouldn't stand for it either. i already said that they shouldn't have anything in common and that the relationship needs to be ended. but what can the police do if he hasn't broken any laws yet? if he has broken a law, then yes, the police should get involved. but the OP hasn't given us enough details yet. so what is she supposed to be reporting to the police?

I'm not talking about reporting to the police, I'm talking about the fact that this man has no business dating this girl. As a parent I would definitely be having a chat with him.
No we don't have anymore details but based on what she said. He has been dating her. Be it a week or a year it should not have and should not be happening.

ohsohappy · May 24, 2010, 02:22 PM

The main point here is that this man does not need to be anywhere near a 15-year-old girl. This girl is young and naïve, and this man is more than likely just manipulating this girl because it's easy and he knows she will fall for it. I don't think he wants to put the effort in that it takes to actually have a REAL relationship with anyone. If he respected this young girl he would have left her alone, or been decent enough not to lie in the first place. I don't trust him. Break it off by any means you need to, be it talking to him directly or calling the police. The thing is, is if they haven't had sex yet, chances are they will soon. So nip this in the bud sooner than later.