[gingerbill]

Hi all, I'm new to all this but after some friendly advice please... I will try to be succinct and not ramble too much, so here goes...

I have been seeing a guy for 6 months. We are both 39 and he is in the Army but is UK based now having completed all his tours of duty (non front-line) and is due for release in 2/3 months. He was left by his wife of 6 six years 2 years ago and is still going through a messy divorice and is still trying to sort out his finances etc. I am the first person he has seen/started a relationship with after said divorce. We have generally seen each other every weekend or every other weekend at the very least and generally speak every evening on the phone. We have lots in common and when we see each other it is everything you could want from a relationship. So much so that at the 3 month period, I told him I loved him, his reaction was to immediately call off the relationship saying he wasn't ready for all that, that he didn't feel the same and that me saying I love him made him feel bad. Anyway, the next day I texted asking if we could talk and he agreed yes so he rang but was still adamant it was over. We decided however on a chat the next day where in the middle of a general conversation he said listen do you still want to do something this weekend. So we did. It was great. No reference was made about the break-up. We are now a further 3 months down the line and sadly the same thing has happened again. I said I love you. He legged it. We were both very drunk and I not recall all that was said but I know I wasn't nasty or heavy. He now will not answer any calls or texts even though I have virtually begged for a closure message of "its over" he doesn't seem to want to send it. Why? I am in absolute bits, not eating/sleeping and all that. I just need to know so that I can TRY and deal with this. I love him. Pure and simple. What shall I do. I need to know for sure if its over? Can you help?

[Imabadman]

From his actions you have to assume it's over. He apparently is not as invested in this relationship as you are. Nor does it appear that he wants to be. If I was in your shoes I would take a serious look at where this is going. Every time you put yourself out there he bolts. Is that really what you want?

I realize it hurts and while you think you're looking for closure you may actually just be looking for reasons to open up a dialog with him. Just accept that he can't give you the relationship you want right now. Then, let go. Yes, that means no contact. Realize all the begging, pleading, and rather stalkerish behavior does nothing more than justify his actions and push him further away. He may come back to you, he may not. If he does, wait and think. Are you sure you want to do this? Then let him know what you're ultimately looking for in a this relationship. If he can't, won't, or just ain't feeling it there no sense banging your head (heart) against the wall again.

Good luck.

[gingerbill]

Thanks for your informed clearly intelligent answer. I agree with all you say re do I want this etc but right now I just cannot understand why he will not just tell me its over when last time he was able to say those things face to face. Until he does, I will not be able to move on or accept its over. He's a "nice" guy I cannot believe he's putting me through this cruelty.

[ZoeMarie]

It's easier for some people to just avoid a person when it's over rather than telling the person. I'm not saying that's the way it should be, but sadly it seems like that's the way a lot of people go about it these days.

On the other hand, his actions/lack of actions are saying pretty much exactly what should be saying to you, that it's over. It's time to pick up the pieces and move on. After all, you could meet someone who feels the same way about you that you do about him.

[Imabadman]

I understand. That's the thing, he may not want to say it, say "it's over", because he feels that that would be cruel. It's hard to say what's going through his mind and ultimately he's the only one who knows.

As I stated I understand your point with seeking answers, however; my advice then would be to back off at least a week or so. All these emotions need to settle down and let you both gather some rational thought.

[kctiger]

You sound like an extremely smart and put together young woman. You put your heart out there, which is the most anyone can every ask for you. Unfortunately, the feelings weren't the same with him. Maybe he just isn't ready and I'm sure he is still hurt from the divorce. Either way, I think actions tell you that right now it just isn't meant to be. Good luck and for goodness sakes, start eating and enjoying life!! No one can ever say you didn't try or care. You live with no regrets and you put yourself out there, and that is a very admirable quality.

[gingerbill]

Thank you all for your responses. Here's a bit of plagiarism but it sums up what I think. Remember in all this, I am 39 not a kid, I have been here before but nothing like what I am feeling now... Here goes with the plagiarism bit... It was strange really, how one person could have so much impact on your life. You didn't even know they existed for years, then one day you met them, and that was it. Your whole life would be changed overnight, you suddenly found you needed someone so much you couldn't imagine your life without them. Yet you had lived without them for years and years, you had gone to work, laughed, cried, gone on holiday, and all that time you had never even dreamed of them, heard of them, seen them, or even smelled them. Then, one day you crossed paths with them and your life, the life you had loved, had come to enjoy, wasn't good enough anymore. Without that person you felt alone, unloved, unwanted.

[talaniman]

Not to state the obvious again but he was quite clear the first time he left. That you would allow him to come back and agree to dating with out being clear was a real disaster.

I think that maybe you were hopeful that he changed his mind and went along with his program. So really he is doing nothing to you by breaking contact, AGAIN, and its you who have to accept that it is over without further actions from him. Oh sure, we all would like to hear the words to finally wrap our heads around the END. Maybe then we give up and turn around. But it's a lot better to tell that to yourself, and not torture you heart any longer with false hope, since he obviously has said all he is going to.

Acceptance that its over=closure.

[Homegirl 50]

It is a hurtful thing to hear, but your loving someone does not guarantee they will love you.
He made it clear to you that he was not ready for love, that he is not there with you and you chose to put your heart out there again with him, and he is letting you know again he is not there.

He has been honest with you but you have not been able to accept his honesty.
You need to decide if you are willing to just be what you are with him. This is really your choice, your heart at stake.

[gingerbill]

Thanks all. The pliagrism was Martina Cole would you believe. I'm going to take all your advice and try and move on. Not sure how, but I'm sure I'll get there. X

[Jake2008]

I think he has a lot on his plate right now. He is only 24 months out of a six year marriage. This past two years have been stressful as you said, because he is going through what sounds like a messy divorce. His finances are still a mess.

Are there children involved here as well?

Because he is living with the on-going mess, emotionally and otherwise, with his ex, in a daily way, he may not think of himself as a 'free' man.

While he continues to spend (likely) a lot of money sorting out the finances with his ex, he is uncertain as to what the result would be.

He is starting with a dump truck full of baggage in other words. He could also be harboring lingering questions, and be emotionally attached to his wife, and in a state of denial. Or at least confusion.

To be in love with another person at this point in his life with all that has gone on, and is still going on with his ex, may just be too much for him. He invested six years in his marriage, and his wife left. He is likely still dealing with that.

Maybe he doesn't want to involve anybody else in his business until he has it over and done with, and only then can he think of a new relationship.

I would think that he must have given you some pretty strong signals for you to fall in love with him. His knee-jerk reaction probably happened because when you said those words, it meant that he had to acknowledge them in some way.

Flight is what he chose. Likely based on fear of his own feelings, and he is just not able to go down that path right now.

Why not leave things as they are, don't call, text etc. and give him time. He has much to sort out about his life for the past six years, none of which you could understand on an emotional level with him.

And, it would be far better to have him free first, and ready, than for you to be on second base with all of this. Being the rebound is not a secure place to be in a new relationship.

It may not be that he doesn't love you, it may all mean that he cannot love you.

[gingerbill]

Jesus Jake. Do you know him! Or are you psychic! There is so much I didn't put in my original message for fear of rambling but ALL that you have said is true. His life right now is a nightmare. He is forever at the solicitor trying to sort stuff out. It continues to cost him 1000s of pounds. He is trying to get a house near me (his hometown, which is how we met) but he can't until all this is sorted. No, they had no kids together although she had 2 boys of ages 6 and 8 when they got together. He still misses them and still sees the younger one who is now 16. In fact, the last time he saw him he invited me along but I said no, that was his special time with ****** and not my place to intrude. He is also coming out of the army after 23 years which I know is frightening him. He has been in there 23 years and its like a family for him. He is also, in his words, "important" in the army and fears he is going to be a "nobody" when he comes out. I have told him continually that he will never be a "nobody" to me but I can still appreciate how he is feeling and I have listened and advised him through ALL of this over the last 6 months. Its not been easy for me, but he is worth it. When we first met he was very "I hate all women, I will never trust any of you again" yet I thought over the last 6 months being with me that he had started to see that we are not all the same. He had started to make reference to things for us in the future i.e. a holiday in autumn etc which is why I felt able to say those now fateful words last Sat. I just don't know why he started this relationship if he wasn't ready. It would have been so easy after the first meeting to say "sorry, I'm not ready" yet he says he let me in because I ticked all the boxes for him. I just don't know what to do now. This is my 6th day on the lash (beer) and I know this cannot continue but it's the only way I can sleep and stop thinking of him. I love him. I want to be there to help him through leaving the army and everything else but he won't let me in. What shall I do Jake? Continue with the NC for a while? I have written a letter but not sent it... PS I am a mature woman of 39. I have had my share of breakups over the last 20 years but what I feel for **** is well,. special... profound even... Help me see the sense in this, please!

[Jake2008]

I think that what he may have taken out of your relationship with him, is support, encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, someone to put a little happiness in an otherwise stressful time in his life. His needs were met- you were all those things to him, and more.

Sometimes to a person who is so needy, the relationship is very much one sided in that, they are not in a position to offer of themselves, what they have come to accept, and expect from you.

While you were going in the direction (naturally) of developing feelings for him, and him implying the same, the future had more meaning to you, than him, because he is not yet out of his past.

You met his needs very well, you were really there for him, and at some point when his troubles are over, he will realize just how much your support helped him.

But he is not in the same place as you are. He is still stuck on that one road, that, while leading him closer to his freedom, has still not come to an end.

You did nothing wrong, and I think that he would likely say eventually, that what scared him, was getting involved again. He would have recognized the signs and feelings, and while surprised when you said, "I love you", he reacted with fear, because he is fearful of the unknown. It is hard to go through a long relationship with someone, and continue to go through having to deal with them, and at the same time allow for love again.

He may be afraid to even try at this point in his life, and even if he does love you, he is not able to be a loving, equal partner.

The plus side of this, is that you won't be the rebound girl. If he does come around, it will be with a clear head, and a grip on his life again as a single man. That is a much better position for you to be in to receive love, as much as you give love.

If you do write him a letter I would keep it light, and no pressure. Let him know that you will be there for him if he needs you, and when he is ready for a relationship again, you hope that he might call. If he is settled with the fact that you won't be pressuring him to give you something he cannot give right now, I doubt that he will forget your words.

In the meanwhile, keep busy, and try your best to get back to your normal routine. Get out with your girlfriends and have some fun. Try not to think of this as the end of the road, because maybe it is just the end of a chapter for now. But it would be a shame if you waited and didn't live your life to the fullest.

No man is worth that sacrifice I don't think.

[gingerbill]

I woke up this morning with a sense of anger, that he could treat me this way and think its acceptable. He has, after all, suffered a break up himself so surely he knows what I am going through. I appreciate, that you can't compare his 6 years to our 6months, but I was in a relationship for 10 years before this and THIS is worse ending by far, as my 10 year one ended relatively mutually and answers/questions as to why, were given and received on both sides. Hence, we've both been able to move on. Anyway, the anger continued until about lunch when I started thinking about * and all that we had shared, and how much I love him and I have just gone down hill since. I'm back to the melancholic, weeping stage. Its been 10 days now, past experience tells me I should be past this stage now and looking forward. I'm not. Its crazy, how one person can have such a hold over you. I've decided to take Jakes' advice, a calm, reasoned e-mail a week from now. No pressure. No declarations of love. No expectation of an answer. Just so he knows, that I am there and that I hope once his life is sorted, that he may think fondly of me and get in touch. I am NOT, putting my life on hold but it feels like the correct path to tread at the present moment in time Agree/disagree? I can't begin to tell you how much this site has helped me. Not only reading the answers to me somewhat desperate ramblings but also the other posts too... help me, please, before I go totally crazy.

[Imabadman]

Wondering how that last ditch effort went?

There are several ways of looking at your actions of saying, “Hey when you get your poop in a group I’ll be here waiting.” In my opinion you’re just acknowledging that your accepting of his previous actions and are ready, willing, and awaiting more.

[gingerbill]

Well, I sent the e-mail last Friday evening. On Saturday he turns up as "on-line" on Facebook. A couple of minutes later, he changes his status from *** "is in a complicated relationship" to *** "is single". I bite the bullet and send a private chat asking if that is reference to me, or has his divorce come through. He surprinsgly aswers back saying "the divorce came through yesterday". I ask how he is and his answer is "drunk" I then ask if he has read the e-mail I sent and he immediately goes off-line. Even as I am typing this, I am realising how pathetic how I sound but I CANNOT MOVE ON. I NEED to be told in black and white "its over". Yes, you can say his actions of no contact for 3 weeks pretty much tell me that but this is how I am. I'm not healing. I'm not getting better. I am miserable of feeling miserable all the time. His sister rang me 2 days ago to ask if I had heard from him as he is not returning/answering any of her calls either and then normally speak once a week. Perhaps I am looking for excuses for his bad behaviour but I'm starting to wonder if he is depressed. Please help me understand and deal with this. I NEED to move forward but don't know how

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you really want to. If he called you and said "I'm done, I don't want you anymore" would that be enough?
I don't think so. I think you are still hoping and that is why you can't let go.
It is obvious that he is gone. I know you are hurt, but you need to learn from this and let go. It's over.

[bella99]

Sounds like its over, you just don't want to believe it. I dated a guy who was recently divorced and he was very much the same. He never really cared about anyone except himself. He was wonderful and kind sometimes, but ultimately not ready for another relationship and didn't pay me the type of attention that I know I deserve.

Sounds pretty similar. You need to just let him go. You don't need to be with someone who isn't there for you and doesn't reciprocate your feelings - he also needs to learn to be on his own.

Its tough but eventually you will feel better.

[liz28]

You got some good answers and I love Jake ansewer. He is going through a divorce and a messy one at that. His hands are tied and it seems like he didn't have the guts to tell you what he isn't ready for. I already go by the person actions rather then their words because after all actions seak louder than words.

I know you will survive this and wish you luck in the future but whatever you do don't sit around waiting for him.

[gingerbill]

Update: 8 weeks after leaving me, and just as I was starting to heal and get my life back together again, he came back. We bumped into each other when he was back in town visiting his Sister. We got chatting and decided we'd give things another go.

He is now out of the Army, has a new job, his divorcée etc is finalised and he was in a better place.

We've seen each other every weekend for the last 2 months and things were going well. For the first time, I thought we were on the same path and moving forward together.

Last weekend, he suggested a long weekend away in Vegas (his treat) and said lets try and see a bit more of each other (we live 35miles apart).

Thursday - I ring to finalise our plans for the weekend and he is quiet. Alarm bells started ringing and after about 20 minutes on the phone he says he's sorry but he wants to end things as he's just not "feeling it". Oh my god, I am completely devastated and can't believe he has torn my heart out agan. I REALLY thought that this time, with all the positive things he was saying, that we were getting there and perhaps had a future together.

I just don't understand any of this. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be greatly appreciated.

I love him, more than I've ever loved before