[zeardrea]

Everyone seems to have problems after their honeymoon stage but I don't think we ever had one. Im so confused. I think he loves me at least I know he did. We have been married for 11 months now and it been really difficult. Sometimes he acts like he loves me sometimes he acts like he couldn't care less. What I mean is my husband is good to me as far as making sure I'm taken care of food, essentials, etc and he even is sometimes sweet telling me that he loves me and that I'm the greatest thing that ever happen to him but there are time when he acts differently. We fight at least every other day or maybe well have a good week than a bad one. He complains that I'm lazy when the house in not completely clean. He makes a big deal out of it. He acts like I do nothing all day even though I go to school full time and I struggle to try and make good grades. He also holds the fact that he pays the bills and I do not so that mean its his way or the highway. He says its his house he can do whatever he want, I cannot type of thing. I know I've made mistakes (quit my job because I did not feel it was right for me, and I'm no the perfect house cleanner but that doesn't mean I don't try. I do try but its like its not good enough no matter what I do). He treats me like a child. He is currently " grounded me for two weeks" because I tried to leave him because I know he doesn't treat me right. He orders me around like a maid. And blames me when the house is a mess when he's the one that makes the mess. If I threaten to leave he acts as if he would not care. I don't want to leave I love him but I don't want to go through life being jealous of every happy looking couple. He even been a bit rough not abusive but he's left bruises when we were having pretty bad arguments. He just resently started smoking pot again and he knows I have a problem with it. The sad thing is though I think I treats me better stoned then sober. I mean I know he's really stressed out with two jobs and never a day off but it doesn't mean treating me like this is right.
He is very controlling. Like I said he can be sweet sometimes. I mean we still have sex and I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating on me, and I know he thinks I'm beautiful because he tells me so but we have these problems and I don't know what to do. He wants me to be submissive and I don't mind being submissive except it feels like he only have his best interests at heart. I'm so confused please help me. I don't know what is wrong.

[Jake2008]

To answer your question, he probably does in his own way.

But, it is how he shows his love (or lack of) that has me questioning the marriage.

You say you don't mind being submissive- red flag. He leaves bruises on you- red flag. He 'grounds' you as punishment for not living up to his expectations- red flag.

I have to ask you, why are you okay with all of that?

What was he like before you married him. If you've only been married not quite a year, surely he displayed some of these traits prior to marriage?

Somehow he thinks he owns you. He is leading you to believe that your very life is dependent upon him. Your food, shelter, freedom, are all at his discretion. It is his home, but he 'lets' you live in it. He is critical of how you conduct yourself in his home, right down to you not picking up his messes.

There has likely been a gradual control thing over the past several months, at least since you've been with him. He saw a good candidate to control, and this serves his needs. He does not feel in control, unless he is in control of you.

Sometimes this is motivated by fear- his own jealousy, his own insecurities, his lack of ability to trust someone. So the best way for him to feel in control of his own life, is to make sure he takes away anything you have as an independent person, in order that his fear is under control.

These things do not tend to ease up over time, nor does fighting do any good because they are fiercely territorial, and will win at all cost. And the cost is your freedom.

The harder you try to please him with being grounded for example, will only result in more reasons to justify even more control. Tackling yourself esteem results in you getting further and further beaten down and controlled.

In other words, your actions and behaviour will not likely result in him ever being happy, because he will find more 'fault', to justify his own behaviour.

Try to see your way to counselling and address all that you have said here. Get a professional opinion on how this is affecting your life, and your future.

You have much to lose, and you are surely on a very slippery slope.

[jmjoseph]

Relationships like this one end up on "Lifetime", as movie of the week.

What I am trying to say is that if he is bruising you NOW, he will be breaking bones within a year. And then what? When will he stop? When will he ever be satisfied with what you do and don't do?

Never let yourself be treated in such a manner.

"Grounded"?? I don't think so.

You are a housekeeping slave who has sex with the master.

This is not love.

Please seek the help that Jake mentioned.

May God keep you safe.

[slapshot_oi]

That ain't love, that's abuse.

Leave him.

[talaniman]

You leave, and hide in a safe place, away from his abuse, as he is a nut job, and his actions are abusive.

You also should have someone to talk to you in person, who understands your dilemma, and can guide you to a better path than the one you are on now.