[jmjoseph]

Your husband needs to snap the heck out of this funk that he is in. He needs to KNOW that you suspect he is seeing another woman. He cannot be married, and be a good father, and DATE.

I wonder who is at the other end of that phone number? And if that person knows that your husband is actually a married man? It's hard to say if you should call it or not. You say that you don't want to upset him. Well, if it's nothing, then it's nothing. But if it's a woman, and it sure sounds like it is, then he should be held to task for infidelity. He is cheating on you, AND your children. You have the right to know what it is in your husband's life that is making him question his self as a husband and father. This is your family, and you should fight for it. Maybe it is just a midlife crisis, or maybe even a crush. But for him to be cold and distant, secretive, and mysterious, then you are due some sort of explanation. From a man who has the BALLS to tell the truth.

I know this is preying your heart and mind. And for that I truly feel for you. But he should come clean at all costs. To he! With walking on eggshells, and washing his clothes, and cooking his meals, and whatever else you are doing for him.

He needs to man up and show some spine.

I truly hope you both can get into therapy.

God bless you.

[clearlyconfused]

That is so true. He's cheating not only on me but my kids. Last night after work, I got home and he was finishing a course online so we didn't talk for a while, I ate dinner by myself with my kids. Later on we talked about his day and what he learned today. We are both in our thirties. He has changed careers several times, and unfortunately has not worked for five months, he decided to finish his real state, and I supported him on his decision, again. I've been supporting our family which I don't mind, but to find all this calls while I'm working for our kids. I don't think is fair. I didn't bring anything up last night since he acts like nothing is going on, he is still distant, but he has always been. He has a hard time showing his feelings. I knew this, but now it seems like he finds an excuse to be mean so that I keep my distance from him. It's working! Last night I was trying to cuddle with him and he moved away so I didn't try anymore, I just moved over to my side of the bed and went to bed. When I woke up this morning he acted as if nothing ever happened, but I caught myself being more angry than normal. He had his list of things to do for today and the last thing on there was "call a friend", so I was going to ask him after he got done working out but decided not to take it personal. I thought to myself maybe he's just speaking in general. If not I will find out anyway. I will bring it up, but I want to wait for the right time. Part of me wants to confront him so bad, so that he knows that I'm no stupid that I've known about all this calls, by the way I googled that number and it is a girl's cell phone, I am trying to find out his "first love's name" to compare it. Once I confront him, I will call just so that she knows what is going on, if it is his ex, she knows according to him that he's married, and obviously if she doesn't care to break a family that tell you what type of person she is. Every day I notice how I am getting more furious and upset about the whole thing, but that is giving me courage to do what I need to do. I'm going to miss him. We had so many plans together, but again I can't force someone to be with me. I need to be loved. I deserve to be loved. We had talked about therapy awhile back and he said he was willing to go, but then ordered some sort of dvd from the internet for marriage therapy, then he decided he didn't want them. We never even watched them. When I bring up counseling he changes the subject immediately, so we'll see. I'll try again tonight. I'm sure I'll be back later depending on how my day goes. Thank you all!

[jmjoseph]

You have every right to be upset. He is your husband. He promised, possibly before God, to be faithful to you. To love, and HONOR you.

This is disrespectful behavior.

He needs to talk to you, and let you know what's going on in his head.

I wish you the best.

[Homegirl 50]

Don't let yourself get so worked up with anger that you cannot be rational when you talk to him.
You know what you're dealing with now. Let him know that youlove him but not enough to be played with.
He needs to pee or get off the pot.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

[talaniman]

We are both in our thirties. He has changed careers several times, and unfortunately has not worked for five months, he decided to finish his real state, and I supported him on his decision, again. I've been supporting our family which I don't mind, but to find all this calls while I'm working for our kids. I don't think is fair.

Before you accuse and assume, back up, and get facts, as I think getting carried away with suspicions, will only have you driving a wedge between you. I think most guys who have had a lot of personal failures, and are trying to regroup, will be distant, and moody. The sad part to me is you take it all so personally, which I feel distracts you from the real issues, as you try and find strategies to "fix" things, and return them to what they were before. All of this in the name of being FAIR to you and the children.

That's why I have repeatedly suggested you to back up, and place your attentions to other areas of the relationship, and family life to help you deal better with your own frustrations in this marriage, and give him space to work through his. Pushing him is not the answer, nor is confrontation, as I really think you are getting carried away by your own feelings and need to take a back seat and deal with YOURSELF, and your fears, and not make them the basis for impulsive thoughts, or actions.

An unemployed father and husband needs the space to prove himself, to himself, and regain his self esteem, as its tied to his identity as a provider, and head of his household. I think if you step back and pay attention to this circumstance in an OBJECTIVE way, and not a emotional, or personal way, you will see exactly what I have been talking about. At least I hope so.

Give it some thought, before you take actions that have no basis in facts, or get to carried away that you cannot be objective. Got any close trusted friends?

[clearlyconfused]

The sad part to me is you take it all so personally, which I feel distracts you from the real issues, as you try and find strategies to "fix" things

You are right! I do take things personal. When I woke up this morning like I said before I felt different, which I was happy about. I didn't know if it was anger or just that I was getting used to him being so distant, but as the day goes by, and after reading all of these wonderful and helpful posts, I am starting to see things clear. I do have self-esteem problems. I have put all of my energy on him and I am pushing him away instead of bringing him closer. I found myself not wanting to text him or call him every second. I am not even wondering if he is even talking or if he's talked to her. (again, I don't even know who it is, I am just assuming, since he is so secretive about those calls) I am not going to worry about it for now. I do agree! I know he feels that he failed as a provider, father and husband, and I am going to just give him his space, but it just bugs me to think that he's talking to someone else, but again, I am just going to worry about building my self-esteem back and getting myself busy. I do have some close friends, but I don't really agree with their life styles. In a way I'm still old fashion. The only advise I get all the time is to go out and have a drink, when in reality I have kids to be responsible for, and I don't want to set up that type of example for them. I will keep myself busy though, with my kids, maybe going to the Zoo, park or shopping which I haven't done in a while. I will learn not to take anything personal. I just keep making the same mistake over and over again, I do it even at work! My concern is that one of my goals was to work out after work everyday, but again, I haven't since I felt that if I left the house I was losing time to talk to him, since we already don't talk as much. But again I need to love myself first so that he can love me.

[Homegirl 50]

Yeah you need to love yourself and I hope he is not cheating. I agree with talaniman but you also need to know whether he is or not. You want to make sure that if he is, he is not bringing something home to you.
You can be kind and loving but you need to be smart as well. Have that conversation with him for your own peace of mine.
If he won't do counseling with you, go yourself but don't let this linger to the point that this distance becomes an acceptable way of life for you two.
I wish you well.

[clearlyconfused]

This is what is weird. I know he is not seen anybody at least in person. He is home most of the time. When he is not he is in class. Let ma back up a little. About a month ago he went out of the country for a week, when he came back, is when all of this started, he started drinking heavly and decided to bring up his first love, which at the time he said he had no idea of where she lived or if she was married or anything. He stated that he hasn't love anyone like he loved her and that he has never been happy with me although we were married in the church. Anyhow, a week after that he said he somehow run into his ex's cousin, which is weird but I gues it can happened, he ran into her out of the country and they talked. I didn't get into the details of what was said or exchanged. All I asked him was if she(ex's cousin) knew that he was married, and he was very short and said YES, I told him that I wasn't going to bring it up again, because I wanted to work on us. Then the following week is when the calls started happening, I had no idea at the time, until the following week 5/25 when I noticed how protective of his phone he was, so I searched into our phone bill, then is when I noticed 5 calls to that number. 2 were very short, almost as if he didn't get a hold of anyone, 2 were like 5 and 6 min. long. The calls were made 5/17-5/19. Then we had a great weekend (weekend 5/21-5/23), so I figured it was before we talked and things were sort of working out. Then on The 27th I noticed he call that number really early in the day and again those calls are out of state, no where near where he could go during the day. As I'm typing this I am just getting all worked up since he was going to "call a friend" as he stated on his list at about this time. I just hate this.

[Homegirl 50]

He could be emotionally cheating. Talking to her on the phone. Whatever it is, he needs to talk to you and he needs to be more respectful in the way he treats the family. The longer this goes on it will become the way your family functions and trying to get things back to the way they should be will be hard. Ask him about the phone calls then suggest you two do some counseling.

I know how sensitive this his, he may be going through something different, but you can't let the family be destroyed because he does not want to talk about it. At some point he is going to have to do something.
Get counseling for yourself, it will help with your anxiety too.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you. I will bring it up, I just want to find the right timing, when we bring up the bills or something so that he doesn't get all defensive about it. I need to work up to this too.

[talaniman]

The reason I have not addressed this cheating thing, is because there are NO facts, one way or the other. Not even for emotional cheating.

But your idea is logical, and thoughtful, as the timing and method of getting the truth is the best way to go. That's better than a full court press of confrontation, and emotional assault.

That's a good start, thinking before you act.

[clearlyconfused]

Well, it was an OK evening. I got home with an open mind and a great attitude, and I did notice a difference. We actually ate dinner all together as a family. He said he had some errands to do, so I figure he will be leaving soon. I cleaned up the kitchen and was going to take my kids to the park, but instead he wanted us to come along, on the way, we were listening to a motivational CD which he had already heard but wanted me to hear. When we got home, we put our kids to bed and still talked until 11:30 p.m, which I was very thrilled about. I blew it though, it is really hard for me to hold back when I have him so close, and to smell his body, so I was trying to rest my head on his chest and was leaning to kiss him, when he pushed me away so hard. He was so upset, so I just moved to my side of the bed and cried myself to sleep. This morning I was so hurt but I tried to hide my pain, so I smiled and pretended that nothing ever happened last night just like he does all the time. We'll see how things go the rest of the day.

[talaniman]

Stop right there young lady. While I understand he, and you have been having problems, no way do you take such blatant disrespect for any reason over a simple gesture of love.

Time to tell him in no uncertain terms, sh1t or get off the pot, as you should be very angry at what he did, and in my book, for no reason. So what if it blows up, and he decides to leave. He needs to.

There can be no free pass on this one. Sorry, no more Miss Good girl.

[Homegirl 50]

If I remember correctly, this is not the first time he has dome this to you. He is way out of line and that is cruel.
Make the time to have a talk with his man.
It's time he be held accountable and not coddled.

[clearlyconfused]

I Know I need to. This is what bothers me the most. I know he needs his space but I have such a hard time holding back when he is so close. We havent' had sex for a week now and when we did I initiated it. And to think that he might be so nice to talk to someone else its just painful. Trust me I'm not trying to find any excused for me, but he's been a little nicer lately until we go to bed. He doesn't want me anywhere near or wants nothing to do with me. I was trying to be a better wife and fulfill his needs so that he doesn't look elsewhere but obviously he is not in need.

[talaniman]

Clearly its time to stop walking on eggshells and trying to be a better wife, and stand up for yourself even if that means someone sleeps on the couch. You have done your part and I think we are at the point that he does his.

Save your tears, and fears for after you have handled the business to be done. Its time for cards on the table, get facts, and clear the air with the truth, the whole truth, and settle for nothing less.

[clearlyconfused]

Tal, Thank you again. You give me the strength that I need. You are great at what you do. I was trying to wait until the next phone bill so that I can check on the calls, since he has been nice, I want to confirm that he is maybe trying to cover it up, but if I tell him now since the phone bill in under his name, he can change or delete my access to the account once I talk to him. As bad as it sound I think down deep inside of me I am just buying time so that I don't have to do this, even though I know I need to. I just get so sick thinking about it. Wish me good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

This is not going to go away. He is causing harm to you and the family.
It's time to take a deep breath and confront this thing.
He's got some explaining to do.
I wish you well.

[clearlyconfused]

This is not going to go away. He is causing harm to you and the family.
It's time to take a deep breath and confront this thing.

You are right! This is not going away, but I'm such a chicken and I'm just dreading this. I can't help it.
Last night we went for a walk with our kids after dinner, it was really quite at first, he was really quite all day, even before I got home from work. He didn't text me at all and when we went to dinner, we hardly talked, so when we were walking I was a little nervous because I knew that he was in a bad mood, but we actually talked a lot. I had told myself not to expect anything anymore, so by the time we got home, I took a shower and went downstairs to clean the kitchen, by the time I got upstairs he was already asleep, luckily I wasn't expecting anything but I was still bother. Today has been the same no texts, he was extremely quite this morning, he didn't even say good bye when I left the house and to make it worse we have his sister's graduation party, so we'll see how that goes. Wish me Luck. I get nervous just to think about how he is going to act in front of the family. I miss being with him, I miss his touch, I miss having our conversations. I just miss it all. I am so upset at myself for not taking care of the problem, but I know I need to. When? I don't know! I know I will. :(

[Homegirl 50]

You will do what you need to do at the right time. You will hit that point and when you do, you'll deal with it.
I wish you well, I sincerely do.